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Friday, December 18, 2009

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!!!

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
World leaders have been meeting all week to decide on how much Americans should pay for gas and heating oil in order to fix global warming. It seems that if our utility bills are greatly increased then the temperature outside will rise by 10 degrees Fahrenheit every 1,000 years. It is only 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside right now in Northern Michigan. If in 7,000 years the temperature rises up 70 degrees which will make it 72 degrees outside. I’ll be able to grow a garden and eat on a regular basis. It may get a little toasty for all the rich people in Southern California but, who cares?

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market keeps seesawing up and down. The economy must be in great shape because bankers on Wall Street are getting multimillion dollar bonuses. How do you get those jobs? I guess you have to go to colleges like Harvard or Yale. Of course if I could afford to go to one of those schools I wouldn’t need any job.

It looks like the health insurance industry and congress have finally hammered out a bill to reform health insurance. The White House and Senators who have been working long hours said that the bill will help insurance companies by making consumers healthier which will then drive down costs. It seems the unlimited amounts of money insurance companies will be able to charge government forced customers, will keep people from having money to buy food and will thereby curtail the problem with overweight individuals which is currently costing  the insurance companies a lot of money. And of course, if people should happen to starve to death on the streets and not die of natural old age causes then, this too will sharply drive down the health care burden those insurance companies are suffering.  Personally, I'm going to control my weight by going on a liquid diet. I won't keep any food at home and  I'll consume all my meals at The Big Liver Lounge.  I hang out there most of the time anyway.  My new diet will most likely get me the cheapest health insurance rate. 

Overall, the health care bill seems to be a victory for everyone. Now everyone will be forced to buy health insurance coverage at  prices set by the insurance industry. No one can be denied health insurance and would only have to pay 3x the regular rate if the insurance companies can find something wrong with you. (If you are over 50 years old then you have something really wrong with you.). On the positive side, the White House points out that no one can be denied being sold a health care policy and it will be up to the insurance industry to decide what treatments they will pay for. And, if you die because your insurance company denied your treatment then, your relatives will find it virtually impossible to sue the insurance company because the company works with the federal government. This last point will truly drive down costs all across the industry.  Everyone must pay into a plan and insurance companies will cover nothing.  This legislation has been named in honor of  the famous wall street wizard, Bernie Madoff.  It will be called the Bernie Madoff insurance reform legislation. 

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well the Tigers and the Lions have bit the dust this year. Now only the Detroit Pistons or the Red Wings can hold Detroit together. With a reported 50% unemployment rate I feel sorry for Detroit. But, we in Northern Michigan have our local minor league baseball teams like the Midland Loons and the Traverse City Beach Bums. Maybe our Bums and Loons might be a match up with the Tigers. Based on last season I would say they would not. But, who knows.

Speaking of Tigers, how about that Tiger Woods. My goodness. Tiger Woods is a real Tiger after all. (Roar!!!). I’ve never really respected golfers as athletes but, with all the girlfriends Tiger has well, Dog Gone! Like Bill Clinton in his second term, I’m starting to have respect for the man. It seems Tiger was much better at playing horizontal doubles than straight up and down singles matches. Now, many people are worried because Tiger has lost so many endorsement sponsors. The truth is Tiger is losing all his athletic and business endorsements but, now he can get all those more lucrative endorsements from pharmaceutical companies for their little pills, air pumps and, lotions.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
Well, January is coming next month. At that time it will be January and time to sweep out the old cobwebs out of my Petoskey Stones. I like to clean house during January so I can find all the places I put my bottles of apricot brandy while I was in a trance. Sometimes when I trance out I forget where I put things. I go all through my trailers every year. I also clean everything out and find all sorts of things that are stuffed in every crack and crevice.

Now, I predict that not only will I find stuff in all sorts of places in my trailer in January but, I also predict that the stock market will go up along with the price of oil. I also predict that the woman’s rest room at the Big Liver Lounge will get a new coat of paint in January. They really need to clean the place or flush the toilet or something. But, the owner is really lazy and it is always easier to just paint over stuff than to actually clean it up. The fresh paint will make it smell better anyway.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, if you want to see rockets being sent up in the air in the U.S. then you had best show up for the 4th of July fireworks display. NASA is still going to be getting a huge budget every year but, the money will be spent on things that do not relate to space and or technology. They will instead be spending all their money on having expensive entertainment at climate change conferences that will be held around the world. It costs a lot of money for caviar and champagne at climate change conferences. Eating well and getting drunk is a lot more fun than doing science stuff. I tried to tell my high school teachers that when I was a kid but, they said I was wrong. Well, look who says they were all wrong; none other than our very own government science guys. So there!!!

ENTERTAINMENT
By Mike Colin
Avatar is opening this weekend at most theaters. I and every guy I know are going to see this movie. It has the two things in a movie that every guy loves: senseless violence and Sigourney Weaver. The code words of guys for senseless violence are “action adventure” The code words for really intense senseless violence are “science fiction” and this film looks to be full of “science fiction”.

Although this might not be a movie classified as a “chick flick”, it has one of the hottest chicks in moviedom staring in it. That chick is Sigourney Weaver. She may be getting more mature in age but, to guys Sigourney Weaver is looked at in the same way that women look at Sean Connery or Hugh Grant. We guys all grew up watching this hot chick defeating these really nasty aliens. In our eyes she never ages. She looks nice and you want to have someone like that to get your back in a bar fight.

Friday, November 27, 2009

PSYCHIC IS VISITED BY SAM WALTON

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
It seems the nation of Dubai has gone broke. Dubai has been touted as one of the great financial and cultural centers in the world. Dubai is a member of the United Arab Emirates and was founded by popular group of 1960’s pop stars known as the Doobie Brothers.   The Brothers know how to throw a party but evidently, like many performers they have trouble hiring the right people to manage their money.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
As the dollar weakens the value of gold continues to set new record highs. The Treasury Department, in order to insure that the dollar is eventually still worth something, has begun printing paper currency on softer, triple ply paper. “Softer than Charmin” is the new motto which is planed to be printed on the one dollar bill.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have won two games this season. It seems the Lions have gotten their “pride” back and are functionally like a family again. I’m not from Detroit but, overall I can tell you that Michiganders have a restored since of confidence and of pride in their Lions. I’ve even started wearing my Lions cap and sweatshirt at the local sports bars. I used to get booed and threats when I came in. Now, now one mocks me. They simply stand aside when I enter the bar with my Lions clothing. Even if the Lions win no more games this season, the hope of a string of wins next year will keep loyal Lions fans buying everything Lions.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
Today I rubbed my Petoskey stones together and ended up in a trance talking to Sam Walton, founder of the Wal-mart stores. He told me that when he first had cheap jewelry made in China he had someone just like me in mind as his ultimate customer. He also said that my trailer could be a showroom of low cost furnishings and accessories purchased from his Arkansas store 30 years ago. I guess I made him mad when I told him that most of my stuff was purchased at K-mart, because Sam just stormed off and disappeared. I’m glad I didn’t tell him the truth that most of my stuff was really bought at the pawn shop.

OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I set up a turkey fryer too close to the siding at my parent’s house and dropped a frozen turkey into the boiling grease. Well, the house caught on fire and burned completely up. Now my parents are going to be staying at my place for a while until their insurance money comes in. So, turkey day wasn’t so good for me and with my parents hanging around I doubt I’ll be having too merry of an X-Mass party this year.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

PSYCHIC PREDICTS DISASTER IN 2012

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
In order to eliminate overcrowding in our Michigan public schools our local state senator has introduced legislation to allow hand guns in high schools and on college campuses. This should make football season much more interesting. Footballs thrown by the opposing team might be shot down like skeet. Something tells me that there might have to be some changes in the football rule book. I used to hate to go into the deer woods during rifle season but, going out in the woods and being shot at by half lit hunters might be less dangerous than going on a campus and ducking bullets launched by completely lit college students.

It seems that after many months of debate health care in this country may be reformed if there is just a few more months of debates and rewrites. I guess our representatives in Washington must be perfectionist. They are making sure everything is just right before voting anything into law. Or, perhaps the people in congress are just waiting, like Clint Eastwood, for “A Few Dollars More.” A few dollars more in special interest bribes no doubt. Like most Americans I do not complain about the bribes our public officials take. I’m just jealous because I never get any bribes.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
With all the ups and downs on Wall Street many traders feel like fishermen on “Deadliest Catch”. The problem is that although they go fishing for lobster they are ending up catching crawdads. The guys that are able to stick with this market must have ice cubes in their underwear. A lot of people are driving the price of gold to record levels around $1,100 dollars per ounce. Every time I talk to any of my relatives I try to get a count of the gold dental work. Hey, if something happens to one of them its better I get their stash of gold rather than have the undertaker claim his bonus. Of course I have to volunteer to sit in the hospital with any of my golden age relatives that are in intensive care. That way I can spend a few moments alone with the dearly departed so I can collect a few keep sakes to remember them.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Red Wings currently have 10 wins and 5 losses while the Pistons have 5 wins and four losses. Clearly, although it is early on in both the hockey and basketball season, the above teams will need to in the words of Emeril Eglasiis, “Kick It Up A Notch”.

The Detroit Tigers will have to wait until next year to see if the big cat finally comes out of the jungle. The Detroit Lions have won their game for the year. We’ll just have to wait until next season to see if the Lions can match or exceed their winning average for this season.

The CMU Chips football team has eight wins and only two losses this season. They certainly are a bright spot in Michigan pro or college football this season. I wonder if they still have block parties at that school. All I remember about Mt. Pleasant (home of CMU) is that their jail cells are really crowed on the weekends after a football game or concert.

PSYCHIC NEWS
THE 2012 PREDICTION
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
People need to start getting ready for the year 2012. 2012 is the year the Mayans, ancient Hebrews, Hindus and some others I can’t remember, said that the world would be in big trouble. It seems the planets will be lining up in such a way that the earth will be devastated by cosmic forces beyond the control of human beings.

I have consorted with the spirits of good and evil and rubbed my mystical Petoskey stones until they are smooth and polished. I think I can sell them on EBay now. I should be able t get about $30.00 a piece out of them. That will pay my cable bill so I won’t be cut off. Anyway, the calamity of 2012 will occur when five giant ships loaded with tons of merchandise destined for Wall Mart Stores around the world, collide in mid ocean and sink. When all that merchandise sinks to the ocean floor, so will the world economy. The hopes and dreams of every person on earth will drown in the sudsy brine and, forever sleep with the fishes.

Earth will change that day. We cannot stop our destiny from happening no more than we can wear adult diapers and not get wet. However, we will try unsuccessfully, to prepare ourselves mentally for the day the earth will stand still. We will attempt to brace ourselves for the day our forbidden planet no longer offers the hope of living a fulfilling life of non-stop shopping and mounting credit card debt. It will be difficult for us to accept the fact that one day a creature from a black lagoon will be wearing the cubic zirconium jewelry which we had hoped to be wearing and showing off to our friends and neighbors. The tragedy will leave our minds lost in space. Our hearts will be heavy like a big blob. One day we will be forced to accept as the Mayans foretold, that our humanity will die when all our stuff takes a voyage to the bottom of the sea.

TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
I raise rats to sell to companies that use them as guinea pigs. They use them to tests the affects of makeup on skin. Humans and rats have very similar skin. The problem companies have with using rats for make-up experiments is that the rat has to have the hair shaved off its face before stuff like lipstick and eye liner can be applied. I of course decided to find a new technology that would eliminate the problem of having to shave the rat before applying make-up. I invented the hairless (bald) rat.

My new rats look just like a Mexican hairless dog with bobbed ears. In fact one lady offered to buy a puppy for $200.00. I of course refused. I know Mexican hairless puppies go for at least $500.00 each. She gave in and paid me the $500.00. I told her it was a miniature Mexican hairless and would never get any bigger. I said that it was specially bred so its vocal chords would not allow it to bark loudly and instead it would only make an “eking” sound. She told me that was great because she lived in an apartment and did not want to disturb her neighbors. She said she knew a lot of women who would want one of my special puppies. I think I’m going to like breeding puppies.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
The new Star Trek movie DVD is coming out just in time for the holidays for all you people who have trekie fans to shop for. My brother Tim has a complete collection of Star Trek X-mass tree ornaments. I won’t repeat what I used to say about his collecting X-mass tree ornaments because I don’t want my hair and face washed in the toilet bowl again, especially the one here. No one has ever cleaned it. I dumped a cup of bleach down it a week ago and it started to smoke. I hope no one throws a cigarette in it.

I’m not sure if I’m going to see the movie “2012”. It’s one of those “end of the world” sci-fi flicks and I guess we’re supposed to be serious journalists at this blog. At least that’s why my brother says he won’t pay to send me to any good movies to review. He told me if I wait until 2014 the movie will be on TV anyway.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

BAROK OBAMA WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE THEN, NUKES THE MOON MEN

IN THE NEWS NEWS OCT 11
By Ted Colin
Well someone had to win. Why not give it to someone with a cool sounding name. He has improved America’s image in the world. He’s nice to people and drinks beer. Still, even with all these qualities, the president has ordered an unprovoked attack upon an ancient civilization that lives beneath the surface of the moon. According to our source, on Friday NASA launched a nuclear strike upon an area of the moon where according to our source; an anti-matter enrichment program was taking place. Anti-matter is the stuff that powers starships on Star Trek. It is the most powerful energy known to man. By taking just a small amount of anti-matter and colliding it with matter a massive explosion would occur.

Our source for this story is a CIA general who works at the Pentagon. Our operative has worked at the pentagon for more than thirty years. He wishes to be called anonymous. I was lucky to find General Anonymous sleeping on a railroad track in Frederick Michigan not far from a bar that Hemingway visited. This CIA operative was a true genius at his trade. He was obviously a deep cover agent since he was dressed in green camouflage rags and smelled like my uncle’s pig farm. Like a real tramp, this agent even asked me for a $10.00 handout. He said $10.00 was all that he needed to find nourishment for a day. I agreed to his terms as I helped him off the railroad tracks and over to the bar. It was early morning. The CIA agent told me he felt he had never left the place.

The agent shook uncontrollably until he had drank his first morning shot of bourbon. He still could not talk coherently until he downed half a bottle. Then he told me about the attack on the moon. It seems that the first astronauts sent back a garbled message which sounded like “One small leap for man. One giant leap for mankind.” This message was intentionally garbled by NASA. The real message was “One little Leap is as big as a man. One giant Leap could destroy mankind.” Hence life was discovered on the moon and the astronauts were there to begin negotiations with the moon creatures. Things went bad after the astronauts took off leaving garbage and waste water behind. Subsequent missions were no better so, the Leap banned Americans from the moon. That is the real reason we never returned.

Now, the Leap have been working to create enough anti-matter on the moon to fuel a new weapon. The Leap intends to turn the moon into a death star capable of destroying any planet in our solar system. NASA’s attack on the moon was a preemptive strike to neutralize the lab that was working to create anti-matter.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks ended the week higher with the DJIA ending at 9864.94. Gold has been hitting new highs recently as the world awaits the response of the Giant Leap to our attack. Other commodity prices are also heading higher as individuals and governments hoard items that could be used to rebuild civilization should the Giant Leap kill everyone and everything on our planet. Many governments were informed two years ago about the upcoming attack upon the moon. That is why the price of oil has skyrocketed and the U.S. currency continues to tank. Most nations feel since America was the aggressor in this case, America will fell the brunt of the retaliation.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
In professional football the Detroit Lions will host Pittsburgh at 1 p.m. Sunday. The Lions have 1 win and 3 losses. The Detroit Tigers lost to the Minnesota Twins and finished second in their division with 86 wins and 77 losses. The Twins have 87 wins and 76 losses.

In Big 10 College football Michigan State is ranked #5 and the U of M is ranked #8. Over in the MAC conference CMU is kicking some serious footballs. They beat Michigan State this year and are #1 in the MAC Conference West with an overall 5 wins and 1 loss. They also have the highest number of total wins of anyone in the MAC conference. Outstanding football from a small college in Mid-Michigan. CMU is located in Mt. Pleasant Michigan and I bet the entire college and town is feeling pleasant enough with the success of the CMU football team.

OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I went down to the “U Steel We Fence” pawn shop to see what local reaction is to the attack upon the Leap. The guy behind the counter said that because of the president he was selling more guns than ever. He must have met that people are getting ready to defend themselves in case the Leap invade. I noticed the guy had a tattoo that was similar to a medal my grandfather took off a Nazi he shot during World War II. I mentioned it to the guy and he would not talk to me anymore. Go figure.
No matter what happens I think that people that hunt and fish in the outdoors will have no problem surviving an invasion by the moon monsters. They may have super weapons but, we have lawn jarts and I know every place on the body that bleeds when hit by a jart. I have the emergency room bills to prove it.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
As my part of the war effort, in order to find out exactly how anti-matter worked and to pass on this information to my government, I tried contacting Mr. Scott who was chief engineer on the starship Enterprise. He told me that in order to get the real science behind anti-matter or death stars; I needed to contact Mr. Spook, the science officer. I tried all night to contact Mr. Spook but, I had no luck. So I called those two twin Star Trek girls, Laurie and Carrie, and they told me that Mr. Spook was still alive. They also said that he was just an actor and had no real scientific training. Who new?

My prediction about the war with the moon creatures is that there will not be one. Instead, the moon monsters are already destroying us by encouraging the Chinese to flood the U.S. with cheap plastic junk which will fill up our landfills and pollute our water and soil. The Leap already killed us while we were sleeping. That reminds me. I need to put my garbage out next week. I have a whole bunch of plastic nick knacks I’m getting rid of so I can up grade to better stuff.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Zombieland is number one at the box office. I’d like to see a movie made about the zombie brain eating flying squirrel outbreak we just had in Northern Michigan. Of course they never make movies about real zombies because people would get too scared. The Bruce Willis movie Surrogates was # 4 and local boy Michael Moore’s movie Capitalism: A Love Story was number 8 this week.

SPECIAL REPORT ON LOCAL VAMPIRES
By Mike Colin
I fell in love with the wrong girl again. This one was rich, had a big house and, a black Jaguar (Car not Cat). She gave me a place to stay (I was living under a bridge) and dressed me in nice clothes. She took me to fine restaurants and got me into one of the most exclusive night clubs in Traverse City. The only problem was that she happened to be a vampire.

Now I know many of you are thinking that I should not be so prejudiced. I know that society has become much more accepting of vampires recently and they are often portrayed as heroes on TV and in the movies. But, many times vampires are portrayed as being very violent. I personally do not believe that vampires are violent. My girlfriend (Stephanie was her name) never made any attempt to kill me or anyone else in my presence.

The first time I met Stephanie was inside an exclusive club I had been trying to get into every time I went bar hopping downtown. One night Stephanie got the bouncer to let me in so I went inside and introduced myself. We got to talking until almost dawn. Then she drove me back to her place. It was a fantastic house with black draperies and weird pictures hung all over the place. Stephanie told me that she would be my girlfriend if I’d move into her house. She told me that because of her religion she would stay in the basement and I would have to stay in the rest of the house. I also had to stay on the main floor during the day to make sure no one went down into the basement to bother her.

Now Stephanie was a real knock out with long flowing hair. She wore all black like she was really into the Goth lifestyle. Everything went well for a few weeks although, I never saw her in the daytime. I thought that must be when she was getting her beauty sleep because she went out every single night and never returned until just before dawn. I always went home by no latter than 1 o’clock. I just could not keep up with her night life.

One day my psychic friend Madam Misty told me that Stephanie was actually a vampire. Madam Misty said that Stephanie was just using me to guard her while she was dormant during the daytime. This seemed to make sense because when I sneaked down into the basement the only thing there was a box full of dirt.

I went to the club to confront Stephanie and she freely admitted that she was a 300 year old vampire. We went outside the club and she gave me a kiss. It was a kiss goodbye. She told me I could keep the house and the Jaguar along with a large stash of cash which was hidden under her box. She then turned away from me, sprouted wings and flew off into the night. I was amazed to see her join up with a bunch of other vampires all flying south in a “V” formation like they were geese flying south for the winter.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

DOCTOR STEIN FRANKEN ADMITS TO MAKING OTHER MONSTERS

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The stock market has been in the crapper lately and prices for groceries keep going up. Everyone is losing their homes, cars and, other belonging to the bank vampires and the warlocks on Wall Street. With all the economic ills in the world, Americans have come up with a novel idea to combat poverty, despair and, starvation. Americans are raising chickens. A friend of mine who has no life, said she was listening to NPR radio the other day and they spent an entire hour talking about raising chickens in the backyard.

I would have thought this was just another story that talk radio would use to fill up air time but, low and behold, someone in our own downtown Traverse City has been allowed to have some hen chickens inside the city. It was said that roosters crow too much in the morning and would wake people up. Personally, I think the ban on roosters is just a case of pure discrimination against males. Maybe the city will ban males of other species from the city. Maybe even human males will be banned from town. I think we need to defend our fellow males against discrimination even if those males are part of a different species. I’m going to e-mail my Congressman informing him that banning males of any species from any area is just plain wrong.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Lions have broken their two year losing streak. They are still ranked last in the National Conference North. Detroit will play Chicago in football on Sunday. Even with their dismal record, I have to shut-up about the past two years. I must look to the future of Lions football and not dwell on the past or I will jinx them. Many people think I am the person who jinxed the Lions because of my negative commentary. The problem is I’ve only been doing commentary since January 2009.

In the rest of the sports that I care about, the Tigers seem assured of clinching the American League Central Title. Detroit will finish the season with a three-game series against Chicago. The game will be played at home but, I don’t care since I can’t afford a ticket or the gas to get there. Good luck Tigers!!!!

Saturday is the big game between Michigan and Michigan State. Michigan should win but, the whole state will be in turmoil if Michigan State wins. Michigan State lost to Central Michigan University. If Michigan State wins then Central would be the number one college football team in Michigan. This is like a Davey and Goliath Claymation cartoon. If a tiny University in Mid-Michigan is better at football than two of the largest Universities in the country then, those bigger schools need to review their priorities. All high schools and colleges are evaluated strictly on the basis of their football team. If you want a good job, forget learning anything. You have to go to a school with an awesome football team or you’ll end up managing the third shift at a fast food restaurant love fast food after midnight.

It seems that Oprah, President Obama and, others were unsuccessful at getting the Olympic Committee to pick Chicago as the future host of the Olympic Games. Some people are blaming the President for the failure of Chicago to secure the Olympic torch. I, on the other hand, blame Oprah. Oprah should have made sure that the members of the Olympic Committee understood that if Chicago were to get the Olympic Games then, each committee member could find a set of keys to a new car under their chairs.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Due to the bad economy, I predict that a lot more adults will be gong trick or treating for candy this year. The trailer park I live in is supposed to have an apple bobbing contest. The only thing that you get for grabbing an apple with just your mouth without the help of your hands is the apple. I think I will pass on the contest. I’m afraid those apples might get slobbered on quite a bit before someone grabs one out. I’ll most likely go to my friend Opals’ house on Halloween. She has the best parties because she is a real witch. She is even certified. I guess you have to be certified as a witch before you can buy the wand, broom and black pot that witches need for their magical spells.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Doctor Stein Franken has admitted today that he indeed sewed together the dying body parts of a human, a tiger and, a moose. This story has been covered a lot and that’s why the editor (Tim) is burying the story in the science and technology section. Tim knows that no one will ever read it.

There is one new admission that Dr. Franken has made which is news. It seems that Dr. Franken has sewn other creatures together thus; creating other hideous monsters that may still inhabit the woods and farmlands of Michigan. Dr. Franken said he was forced to work on building beasts for the government. The doctor was evidently kidnapped and taken below some sand dunes. Evidently, there is some secret base there called Area 91. Dr. Franken described the people who kidnapped him to be dressed in black suits and that they drove a black limo. It sounds like Dr. Franken was kidnapped by the Blues Brothers. Now, Dr. Franken, who is a German immigrant (someone should check on this nuts status), is known to spend a lot of time at the beer tent during Oktoberfest. So, did he create other monsters for the government or, is his story just the beer and bratwurst talking?

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
My friend Mike Colin is on special assignment for the month of October so I and others will be writing this column. I guess Mike was wrong last week about the Michael Moore movie called “Capitalism: A Love Story”. It was explained to me by the editor of this publication (the jerk named Tim), that the movie was just a satire (whatever the heck that means). Tim said the movie was not about a love story set in the nation’s capital. Capitalist and capital are two different things I was told but, I think the guys that own the capital are the ones that practice capitalism. The guys that practice capitalism have the capital to buy the politicians in the nation’s capital. That’s just my opinion and does not reflect the views of this publication. It also does not make any sense. I wish I hadn't written it but, I'm having problems with my keyboard and can't backspace to delete the crap I just wrote. If Tim wasn't so lazy he'd edit this blog instead of just hitting the send button.

One thing Tim Colin (the editor) does not understand is that he (Tim) was born the same day as one of my heroes, Charleston Heston. They were both born on October 4 which is this coming Sunday.Charlton Heston and Michael Moore once had a big argument over gun rights. There are still lots of people taking pot shots at me when I’m out in the woods so, guess who won the gun argument?

Unlike how I feel about Tim, I really like the late Charlton Heston. He was great in the movies “Soylent Green” and,” The Omega Man”. He was pretty good in the two “Planet of the Apes”, movies he did. The only problem I had was in the movie “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”. In that movie, Mr. Heston fought against the really cool psychic, psycho deformed humans. These humans only wanted to protect their bomb from the apes and Charlton blew them all to Heck. Just because someone is a freak, does not mean that they are bad. Take myself for instance. I am 27years old and raise rats in my mother’s basement for a living. Some people (Tim) keep calling me “rat boy” behind my back. But, I think I am the most normal person in Northern Michigan.

INTERVIEWS WITH VAMPIRES
MY GIRLFRIEND BITES
By Mike Colin
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve) I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite.  Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee . It seems my girlfriend is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of fangs on them with drips of blood tattoos running down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool. Next week I'll tell you the rest of the story about my girlfriend the vamp lady.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

HEIRESS EATEN BY GREAT WHITE SHARK IN LAKE MICHIGAN

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Colonel Moa mar Gadaffi pitched his tent at Donald Trumps place and road a camel over to the United Nations. General Colin Powell was waiting for the colonel and our great general gave the colonel quite a tongue lashing for wearing boots covered with camel dung. General Powell made the colonel clean the dung from his boots. Then, General Powell made Colonel Gadaffi give him 100 push-ups. General Powell will now be awarded a medal from the UN General Assembly for taking some of the wind out of what would have been a 4 hour speech. As for Donald Trump, as soon as Colonel Gadaffi left his tent, The Donald began to renovate the tent into a casino. The new casino, which will open Tuesday, will be known as the Triple E Palms. The U.S. Marine Corp. Marching Band will perform at the grand opening. Or will they be in Tripoli Libya on Tuesday, like in their fight song?

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The DJIA has been floundering under 10,000 this month while gold has run up past the $1,000 per ounce price. Oil has declined below $70.00 per barrel bid on the open markets.

A brand new anti-smoking product may be coming to grocery and liquor stores across the nation (for many Americans liquor stores are our grocery stores). This device is a long sugar based flavored candy which has the shape of a cigarette. These “candy cigarettes” have been approved by the FDA and will not need a prescription. It is hoped that this new item will eliminate the need for any type of national health insurance. If everyone just sucked on “candy cigarettes” all day then they would not be ingesting deadly tobacco products. However, according the FDA, Dental insurance coverage might be much harder to get. The price for these new cigarette substitutes will start at about $35.00 per pack.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Tigers are still winning games. They just beat the Twins 6-2 and still lead the American League Central Division with 79 games.
The Detroit Lions are not doing so well, losing to the Minnesota Vikings 13-27. The next game will be with the Redskins on September 27. After 19 strait losses since 2007, maybe the best thing the Lions could do is, like a low rated TV show that network executives like, go on hiatus for the rest of this season. The Lions management, owners and players need to just kick back for this season and watch other football teams and see, how the game is played. By watching other professional football teams, college teams, high school and pee wee football teams, the Lions might gain some pointers. Some might argue that paying players to just observe other teams would be paying them to do nothing. Well, I think the big oval egg on the scoreboard at the end of every single game, pretty much signifies the same thing.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Tim Colin
A great white shark has swallowed famed heiress to the Bitter Boy Candy Company, Barbara [Bitter] Butter. According to Bernard Butter, Barbara Butters’ Husband and Becky Baker, Bernard’s’ personal business buddy, Barbara Butter was last seen swimming off the beach just south of Frankfurt Michigan. According to the couple, they both watched in horror as the great white shark sped toward the heiress and rose up underneath the poor lady with its mouth wide open. Bernard and Becky had to heroically hold each other back from the deadly waters as Barbara’s body was tossed into the air and then slipped into the jaws of the great white shark. Mr. Butter said it was just like in the movie “Jaws”, which he had watched the night before.
The coast guard and local authorities have initiated a round the clock search for any trace of the body or the shark. Bernard Butter said that the body was never going to be found in Lake Michigan. Mr. Butter went on to say that they had just com from the nearby Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. “You know,’’ he said, “The sand is so soft and light at the dunes that your body can sink right into it. You could dig a hole there six feet deep in no time and then fill it in and no one would ever know you dug it’”.

Barbara Butter was 43 years old and was preceded in death by two sons from a previous marriage, Basil and Benson Berger. The sons died tragically while camping in Montana with their loving stepfather when, they were eaten by alligators. Bernard Butter is the soul heir to 15 billion dollars. All other heirs died as a result of being eaten by various animals thus, leaving no trace of the bodies. It seems the luck of the Bitter Boy Candy heirs is bitter indeed. The tragic death of his wife but, the, huge inheritance, has made Mr. Butters’ life bitter sweet. He and his personal business buddy Becky have announced they are getting married in order to dull the pain caused by that monster of the deep, the Michigan great white shark

.PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
The following are my predictions for November. The great spirits of the north have told me that the Great Lakes Region will be really chilled when the “gales of November come early” Just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, the ship called the “Edmond Fitzgerald will be remembered again this year. Everyone will think of the fated ship when they see sheets of ice flying down their streets and wondering if they put the cat or dog in before the ice storm hit. People also wonder if they might have to share the cat and dog food if they happen to get iced in.

A couple of UFO’s will be sighted heading across the North American skies. They will be landing near Grand Traverse Bay. They will be seeking some wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard. They won’t be drinking it but, just want a few bottles as pricey souvenirs to sell on some galactic form of eBay called Galaxybay. Instead of using UPS to deliver their packages: these aliens teleport their items using their brains.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Local Mancelona film maker Michael Moore has a new film out called “Capitalism: A love story”. Because this film has the words “love story”, in the title, I think it must be some sort of chick flick. In addition, the word “Capitalism” in the title implies it is set in Washington D.C. (or maybe Lansing MI). So, we have a love chick flick film set at the capital. It must be about affairs by senators and congressmen. Or maybe, it’s about affairs between senators and congressmen (they always have those closed door sessions). At any rate, I most likely won’t go to see a chick flick film unless I’m dragged to it. I like action/adventure films. The best films have very little talking in them. The best written scripts are all about snappy lines like Arnold Swartzenager uses for example “Stick around” from “Predator” or, “I’ll be back” from “The Terminator”.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
Scientists have announced that they think they have found a cure for aids. I’ve been wearing a hearing aid since I was five years old. The one I have now is barely noticeable but, other people still bring it up in conversation between themselves. I know that because I can hear them make remarks like “Rat boy is deaf. He can’t possibly be listening to us talk about him”. Well, I’m not deaf. I’m only impaired and, raising rats is the family business I inherited from my father when he ran away. I am not a rat boy. Besides, mom says someday some girl will be lucky to marry me and become the wife of a rich rat baron, tycoon.
Until then, I’ll just live with my rats in my mom’s basement. I’ve got it nice down there. I’ve got a cot to sleep on and, a TV and a hot plate and a little refrigerator for my condiments and cheese. There, I am the king of my domain. All I am missing is a queen to rule it with.

Friday, September 25, 2009

MICHIGAN GREAT WHITE SHARK EATS HEIRESS

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Colonel Moa mar Gadaffi pitched his tent at Donald Trumps place and road a camel over to the United Nations. General Colin Powell was waiting for the colonel and our great general gave the colonel quite a tongue lashing for wearing boots covered with camel dung. General Powell made the colonel clean the dung from his boots. Then, General Powell made Colonel Gadaffi give him 100 push-ups. General Powell will now be awarded a medal from the UN General Assembly for taking some of the wind out of what would have been a 4 hour speech. As for Donald Trump, as soon as Colonel Gadaffi left his tent, The Donald began to renovate the tent into a casino. The new casino, which will open Tuesday, will be known as the Triple E Palms. The U.S. Marine Corp. Marching Band will perform at the grand opening. Or will they be in Tripoli Libya on Tuesday, like in their fight song?

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The DJIA has been floundering under 10,000 this month while gold has run up past the $1,000 per ounce price. Oil has declined below $70.00 per barrel bid on the open markets.
A brand new anti-smoking product may be coming to grocery and liquor stores across the nation (for many Americans liquor stores are our grocery stores). This device is a long sugar based flavored candy which has the shape of a cigarette. These “candy cigarettes” have been approved by the FDA and will not need a prescription. It is hoped that this new item will eliminate the need for any type of national health insurance. If everyone just sucked on “candy cigarettes” all day then they would not be ingesting deadly tobacco products. However, according the FDA, Dental insurance coverage might be much harder to get. The price for these new cigarette substitutes will start at about $35.00 per pack.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Tigers are still winning games. They just beat the Twins 6-2 and still lead the American League Central Division with 79 games.

The Detroit Lions are not doing so well, losing to the Minnesota Vikings 13-27. The next game will be with the Redskins on September 27. After 19 strait losses since 2007, maybe the best thing the Lions could do is, like a low rated TV show that network executives like, go on hiatus for the rest of this season. The Lions management, owners and players need to just kick back for this season and watch other football teams and see, how the game is played. By watching other professional football teams, college teams, high school and pee wee football teams, the Lions might gain some pointers. Some might argue that paying players to just observe other teams would be paying them to do nothing. Well, I think the big oval egg on the scoreboard at the end of every single game, pretty much signifies the same thing.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Tim Colin
A great white shark has swallowed famed heiress to the Bitter Boy Candy Company, Barbara [Bitter] Butter. According to Bernard Butter, Barbara Butters’ Husband and Becky Baker, Bernard’s’ personal business buddy, Barbara Butter was last seen swimming off the beach just south of Frankfurt Michigan. According to the couple, they both watched in horror as the great white shark sped toward the heiress and rose up underneath the poor lady with its mouth wide open. Bernard and Becky had to heroically hold each other back from the deadly waters as Barbara’s body was tossed into the air and then slipped into the jaws of the great white shark. Mr. Butter said it was just like in the movie “Jaws”, which he had watched the night before.

The coast guard and local authorities have initiated a round the clock search for any trace of the body or the shark. Bernard Butter said that the body was never going to be found in Lake Michigan. Mr. Butter went on to say that they had just com from the nearby Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. “You know,’’ he said, “The sand is so soft and light at the dunes that your body can sink right into it. You could dig a hole there six feet deep in no time and then fill it in and no one would ever know you dug it’”.

Barbara Butter was 43 years old and was preceded in death by two sons from a previous marriage, Basil and Benson Berger. The sons died tragically while camping in Montana with their loving stepfather when, they were eaten by alligators. Bernard Butter is the soul heir to 15 billion dollars. All other heirs died as a result of being eaten by various animals thus, leaving no trace of the bodies. It seems the luck of the Bitter Boy Candy heirs is bitter indeed. The tragic death of his wife but, the, huge inheritance, has made Mr. Butters’ life bitter sweet. He and his personal business buddy Becky have announced they are getting married in order to dull the pain caused by that monster of the deep, the Michigan great white shark.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
The following are my predictions for November. The great spirits of the north have told me that the Great Lakes Region will be really chilled when the “gales of November come early” Just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, the ship called the “Edmond Fitzgerald will be remembered again this year. Everyone will think of the fated ship when they see sheets of ice flying down their streets and wondering if they put the cat or dog in before the ice storm hit. People also wonder if they might have to share the cat and dog food if they happen to get iced in.

A couple of UFO’s will be sighted heading across the North American skies. They will be landing near Grand Traverse Bay. They will be seeking some wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard. They won’t be drinking it but, just want a few bottles as pricey souvenirs to sell on some galactic form of eBay called Galaxybay. Instead of using UPS to deliver their packages: these aliens teleport their items using their brains.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Local Mancelona film maker Michael Moore has a new film out called “Capitalism: A love story”. Because this film has the words “love story”, in the title, I think it must be some sort of chick flick. In addition, the word “Capitalism” in the title implies it is set in Washington D.C. (or maybe Lansing MI). So, we have a love chick flick film set at the capital. It must be about affairs by senators and congressmen. Or maybe, it’s about affairs between senators and congressmen (they always have those closed door sessions). At any rate, I most likely won’t go to see a chick flick film unless I’m dragged to it. I like action/adventure films. The best films have very little talking in them. The best written scripts are all about snappy lines like Arnold Swartzenager uses for example “Stick around” from “Predator” or, “I’ll be back” from “The Terminator”.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
Scientists have announced that they think they have found a cure for aids. I’ve been wearing a hearing aid since I was five years old. The one I have now is barely noticeable but, other people still bring it up in conversation between themselves. I know that because I can hear them make remarks like “Rat boy is deaf. He can’t possibly be listening to us talk about him”. Well, I’m not deaf. I’m only impaired and, raising rats is the family business I inherited from my father when he ran away. I am not a rat boy. Besides, mom says someday some girl will be lucky to marry me and become the wife of a rich rat baron, tycoon.

Until then, I’ll just live with my rats in my mom’s basement. I’ve got it nice down there. I’ve got a cot to sleep on and, a TV and a hot plate and a little refrigerator for my condiments and cheese. There, I am the king of my domain. All I am missing is a queen to rule it with.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

21 YEARS AFTER THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER ATTACKED

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin

This week the Obama administration announced that it was moving its proposed missile shield from Eastern Europe out to mobile ships at sea. The shield is not really a shield at all, like a force field in Star Trek or Star Wars. It is instead made up of thousands of tiny rocket ships that are supposed to hit and destroy any missiles coming out of Iran or Iraq or some other country that has a name starting with the pronoun “I”. Next, we’ll have to invade Iceland. Maybe we should go after the Ipod community. During the Clinton years we attacked Yugoslavia which starts with the pronoun “You”. I see a pattern here. I hope the next nation on the list isn’t Italy.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin

Well my brother was partly right about the MSU and CMU game last weekend. He thought it would be a good game but, MSU would win in the end. Well, it was a pretty messy game in terms of funky plays but, CMU ended up winning. I had a little too much beer bong to remember the details but, I remember thinking at the time “what in the heck are you people from Mid-Michigan doing?” Well, it worked.

I might not be as great a davenport potato sports watcher as my brother Tim but, I’m going to be joining a dart league to play this winter. I’m a great athlete when it comes to darts and lawn jarts. I would have formed a lawn jart league this summer but, my brother Mike kept having to be taken to the emergency room. It seems he believes he should try to block the incoming lawn jarts. He does the same thing when we play horse shoes.

In pro sports, the Lions lost to New Orleans 27-45. They will play Minnesota on September 20th. The Tigers are still up by about 4 games in their division. They will play a triple header with Minnesota on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Mike Colin

My brother Tim is sick this week so the rest of us have to do more work to get this blog published. I don’t know anything about Wall Street so I’m not going to mention it. Oops, I guess I just mentioned it (ha, ha, LOL).

I did start a tour guide business in order to make some quick cash. I’ve been taking people around to see sights like Old Skeggy, the Skegmog Lake Monster, the Sand Dunes and the quicksand holes that my brother and I found a couple of weeks ago. I charge $10.00 each for the entire tour which, I think is real reasonable. I have gas expense plus, I have to buy a bucket of Chicken from KFC in order to get Old Skeggy to appear. I did learn early on that I needed to collect my money before I gave the tour and not wait until it was over. It seems everyone just takes off and disappears when we get to the quicksand holes. I guess they are just board but, I don’t know how they make it back to town. I always wait around at the van but, no one ever shows up so I go home having banked some quick bucks. Maybe, if I get some repeat business and through word of mouth; my tour guide business might grow and become a way for me to make a living.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Ted Colin

Today is the 21st anniversary of the creation of the Frankenmoose monster. Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leapt out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human, Teamster driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.

A Dr. Stein Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. The doctor had just retuned from a beer festival in Frankenmuth and still had his lederhosen on. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slams into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival. The resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of a human being. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.

Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. The creature escaped the barn the doctor had it in and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chewing on any grass fans brought with them into the stadium.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful narcotic into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game. The monster was taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Suttons Bay Michigan.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.
I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard

Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.

In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin

Halle Barry allowed herself to an interview on the new Jay Leno show. Jay was lucky to get a great actress on his show. The first night of his new show Jay Leno had Seinfeld on. My mom loves Jerry Seinfeld. I relate more to Neumann myself.

Talk about action actors I relate to, Bruce Willis is coming out with a new Sci-fi flick called Surrogates. It is something to do with humans living out their lives through androids. It should be pretty good. Bruce Willis movies usually move along real fast and they are not full of a bunch of guys trying to get in touch with their inner emotions. That is unless your inner emotions cause you to want to kick the crap out of bad guys. I doubt I get a date for this movie.

Friday, September 11, 2009

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
President Obama gave his health care speech last Wednesday. Most people were very disappointed. No where in his speech did he say anything about hiring one million more single female nurses. Many of us guys are looking for professional women who can support us financially and, take care of us like a mother (or kind nurse) when we get sick. Furthermore, in terms of cutting health care costs, if everyone married a nurse, health care costs could be cut by half or more. At least that’s what the guys said last night while we were playing cards. The nurse/wife could take care of all the minor accidents like getting stabbed while playing lawn jarts or cutting off your toes while playing lumber jack with the electric hedge trimmer. The savings from eliminating emergency room care would be fantastic. There are hundreds of tasks a wife/nurse could perform that would save millions in doctor’s visits. So, instead of requiring everyone in America to buy expensive insurance they can’t afford, everyone should be forced to marry a nurse, doctor or, some other health care worker.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
To quote Steve Martin the stock market has been “one wild and crazy guy”. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is up this week but, it has been bouncing frantically up and down in a 700 point range for several weeks now. The pundits all say the economy is improving and I guess they’re right. I’m finding fewer people are picking up beer cans downtown on Saturday morning so, I have a lot more weekend play money than I did earlier this year. The armature canners must be feeling wealthier and not bothering to go canning.

It was announced this week that Disney is buying Marvel Entertainment for 4 billion dollars. Disney has changed a great deal over the last several years. It has gone from being a Mickey Mouse outfit to a high school, Hanna Montana musical business. Marvel Entertainment has brought us such hits as The Fantastic Four, Iron Man and The Incredible hulk. I didn’t know The Hulk could sing or that Iron Man could break dance. Disney has announced that High School Musical Fantastic Four will be available for sale by Christmas.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
I’m not sure if I’ll watch the Lions play the Saints on Monday. Last year every time I watched the Lions play I thought I jinxed them since, they always lost. Of course when I didn’t watch the Lions play I also thought I jinxed them into loosing. I guess I’ll flip a coin. Anyway, Stafford has finally been picked to be the starting QB. It’s about time a decision was made on who would be the starting QB. Some years the Lions wait until the season is over and then decide who they should have picked as QB. Well, I had better shut up. This year I know they will do better. If the Lions do as well as the Tigers this year I’ll think about deleting all the negative press I’ve given them over last years program.

In upcoming games:
The Lions play the Saints on Monday,
The Tigers play the Blue Jays on Friday, Saturday and, Sunday.
One college game that might be interesting is the game between Central Michigan University and Michigan State. MSU will most likely win but, sometimes CMU pulls off a fast one on old MSU.

THE OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
A Brief Swim in Quicksand
By Tim Colin
I have seen a lot of movies where either the bad guy or the monster drowns in quick sand. I thought it would be interesting to find some quick sand to see first hand what the stuff was really made of. A warning to the public: QUICK SAND IS VERY DANGERROUS SO, IF YOU WANT TO GO SWIMMING IN IT YOU HAD BEST NOT GO ALONE. I was able to get my brother Mike to come along with me on this trip. I promised him he could keep all the cans and bottles we found so he could turn them in for the deposit money.

We picked a fast moving river that ran through a swamp. It had been raining for over a week so the river was about three times deeper and moved much faster than usual. We each wore waders since sometimes the water went up to the crack under your knee caps. We waded down stream from where we were parked for over an hour but, we did not find any quick sand. Finally, we had a little action. My brother had wandered off down river about a hundred feet or so when he lost his footing and was grabbed by the current and rushed down river over sharp rocks, sharp sticks and logs as hard as concrete. I smirked a little when he fell in but, when I saw his head bobble away down the rapids I decided I would be expected to at least go look for his body.

Just as I was moving along the river bank trying to figure out how I would explain my brothers demise to my parents and his new girlfriend, wouldn’t you know it, I stepped into some quick sand and was up to my waste in liquid earth. I immediately yelled for my brother Mike to come and save me in the off chance he had managed to save himself and could thus, save me. I yelled several times but, he never showed up so I knew I was on my own. I decided as I sank that I was not going to give up. I wanted to live to inherit some money from my parents one day. With my brother Mike and myself gone, my brother Ted would get everything. I just could not stand that thought. I had to find a way out.

The problem with quick sand is that the more you struggle the more you sink. I was already up to my belly button and I knew I would not last long. I would have done something based on science but, I flunked chemistry in high school and took mostly PE and Wood Shop classes for electives.

Finally, I had some luck. An overhanging branch from a spruce tree was just in reach of my finger tips. Gradually, I worked my entire hand up the branch then; I grabbed the branch with my other hand and pulled my body up, out of my waders and safely onto muddy, but stable ground. I sat there a couple of minutes covered with mud. My shoes and waders were long gone so I would have to make my way back to the car with just my wet socks on. When I got to the car, my brother Mike was there. He had a lot of cuts and bruises but, he was still alive. He told me that the river wound around back up towards the pull off where the car was parked. Mike said that as he sailed past our car he grabbed onto a piece of brush hanging out over the river.

I told Mike that as I rushed to save him, I fell into quick sand and almost died I then asked him why he didn’t come when I hollered for him .He claimed he didn’t hear me scream. He said the rush of the river was so loud that my calls for help must have been drowned out.

In conclusion, you should be careful when looking for quick sand along Michigan’s rivers, lakes and, streams. If you do fall into quick sand hopefully there is a low hanging branch near by so that you can pull yourself out. You see in the woods of Northern Michigan, if you get into trouble, one can hear you scream.


PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Like most psychics, I use a number of methods and tools to predict the future. Taro cards, rare magical stones, crystal balls and various personal possessions of the dearly or even nearly departed. Today I used a wee gee board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I went into my predictive trance but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got snockered on her own corn liquor. Then, she fell asleep smoking a cigar on a hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to all put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.

Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2009. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!

During the year 2009 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what’s inside that counts; it’s what your face looks like.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
I like Kate Beckinale. She plays a U.S. Marshal in a Movie called “White Out”. In the movie, Kate tries to track down a killer in Antarctica. It’s rated R because it has so much violent action in it. I might ask my mother if she would loan me the money so I can go see this movie. I expect to make a lot of money selling the rats I raise to college psychology classes this fall but, so far I haven’t received any orders so my cash funds are kind of low.

Tyler Perry has another Madea film out. What can I say? It’s another Madea film. There are usually some hot chicks in his movies but, this one is about kids so I think I will pass.

I will also pass on the Disney flick “High School Musical Fantastic Four”. I like the Incredible Hulk better than the four space mutant guys. I don’t like dancing or musicals anyway. They bring back some bad memories about marching band. I was always getting yelled at for being out of step and ending up in the wrong spot on the football field. I was also looked down on by the other kids since I was the only kid that played the accordion in marching band. What’s worse, even though I was the only accordion player, the band leader never made me first chair. It’s humiliating to be the second chair accordion player when I was the only one that played the accordion. That met I never got to do a solo.

Friday, August 14, 2009

WE WILL BE BACK

EDITORIAL
By Tim Collin
Editor

After a long summer of vacations and adventures, we will be back in two weeks. We have made many new friends and several enimies whom we thrwated in their efforts to destroy mankind. With enimies like that who needs friends.

I, along with my brothers Ted and Mike and our friends, we will give you the news you need to survive in a world where everyone and everyething is out to get you. We will also report on sports, entertainment and, give you advice on how to live so that you can be as succesful as we are. I exclude my brother Mike from examples of success since, he lives under a bridge like a troll. But, aside from troll boy, we can help you through this pulication. We even have a phschic who correctly predicted that the stock market would rise above 9200 in August. It is now almost 9300.

In two weeks we will feature a debate on health care. We are divided in our politics here at this publication therefor, I am not sure how our health care debate will turn out so, stay tuned in. I end by saying, until we meet again, be afraid. Be very afraid. There all types of monsters and space aliens out there that want to get you.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

HUMOR NEWS NUTS ON SUMMER SHUT DOWN

Because of the onset of tourist season here in Traverse City Michigan, "Humor News Nuts" will be shutting down through the fourth of July holiday. When we come back, we will be even newsier and better spellers and gramitarians than what we are presently. Good luck and God's Speed through the summer months of chaos and debauchery. Your friends at "Humor News Nuts".

Friday, March 6, 2009

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

The record cold weather this year has wreaked havoc across the United States this year. This has put a crimp in the annual Skinny Dipping Day festivities out on Grand Traverse Bay here in Northern Michigan. The entire bay is frozen over so a dip is out of the question. It is probably a good thing. No one wants to see a bunch of future contestants on “The Biggest Looser”, program in the buff. Middle aged men that are 5 feet 9 inches tall and weigh in excess of 300 pounds tend to be looking a bit unattractive when they are not wearing anything but skin. And, the problem with cold water is, the shrinkage it causes is limited to only one area.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Collin

Unemployment crept up to over 8% according to February numbers. About one in every 10 mortgages is in foreclosure and, if my brother Mike doesn’t pay me backs the money he owes me for bailing him out of jail, I’m going to kick him in the Jolly Rogers. I’ve got a date tonight and I need the money. This is the first date I’ve had this year and the first date I’ve had in 9 months that wasn’t’ with a relative.

In other business news, the Dow took a nose bleed dive this week falling to lows not seen since the middle of the last decade. Rush Limbaugh was so mad about the economy he challenged President Obama to a debate. Instead they played an awesome game of tether ball but Obama just beat that ball around the tethered poll well beyond Rush’s reach until, the ball was fully wrapped up and Rush lost. Rush then declared the game was fixed and that next time they would play either four squares or jump rope.

HEALTH CARE NEWS
By Deek Williams

I don’t know much about health care except for the sports injuries I seen on ESPN at the bar I work at but, some of my really boring customers want to watch the news on FOX or CNN so I kinda knows about the health care debatables . I for one believe anyone should get good health care at a cheap price. I for one have some tattoos in some places saying some stuff I ain’t too proud of. I’d love to have them removed but, I don't got the stash being a bartender down the block and working at this joint where they ain’t yet said what I’d be making.

Health care is something everyone needs but, nobody wants to pay for especially, my customers that watch Fox News. But, if they had tattoos in all the wrong places maybe they might not feel that way. Only universal health care is gonna get that image of Donald Duck off my backside

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Tim Collin

The "Mars Society recently had a meeting. This is a group of earth people that want to colonize the planet mars. Are they nuts? Don’t they know this colonization thing goes both ways? With every group of people we send to the planet mars the Marsmen will send another group back to colonize us. Be afraid, be very afraid my fellow earthlicans. Just because they make great candy bars does not mean that Marsmen are not a bunch of psychopathic intergalactic monsters with two eyes and heads that swivel around on a thing called a neck. So beware of Marsmen. If a two eyed thing looks at you really funny, don’t run or show panic, just slink away. And of course never fall asleep because the marsmen have a pod with your name on it so they can grow your replacement. Good luck to my surviving human beings. Just watch your step and NAN NU NAN NU.”

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Collin

The Detroit Red Wings are still kicking rear since they are still number one in the Western Conference of the Central Division with 43 wins. The runner up is Chicago with 36 wins. I love the Red Wings!!!! The Pistons are doing so, so with a second place perch in the Eastern Conference Southwestern division.

My brother Ted is a real jerk. I went on assignment for him out to find Jason Voorhees who, stared in the recently released movie “Friday the Thirteenth,” out at Crystal Lake. I have low blood sugar so I broke into a couple of summer cabins to try to find some sustenance to maintain my sugar levels I was almost 200 feet from the nearest town so I did not have any choice. The last cabin I broke into was owned by the local sheriff. I was saved and sentenced at the same time. I knew this whole deal was a bad idea. God I hate my brother Ted.

PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty

Today is fish people days or the day of Pisces. I don’t know anything about psychology or nuclear physics so, I’m going to fake it till I make it. Fish people should not eat fish during the month of Pisces. If they do then they are going to either get weird nightmares about being eaten by fish people zombies.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Ted Collin

With all that goes on in Hollywood it is easy to believe that most men really want to see more films starring Sigourney Weaver or Zena, The Princess Warrior. Many also like Linda Hamilton from her brilliant dramatic work in the Terminator series. I love these gorgeous actresses. I hope the Marsmen do also so when they take over more Hamilton, Zena and Weaver movies are made in Hollywood.

SPECIAL EDITORIAL: MEET THE STAFF

Here at "Humor News Nuts", we strive to bring up to date reporting on events as we see them unfold. Because of the speed at which news is distributed and changes, many of our writing staff tend to cut corners in order to meet the 6:00 p.m. Friday publication deadline. These cut corners result in many errors in grammar, spelling, facts and, conclusions. In order to protect our writers from the shear embarrassment which are their articles; there are no Hemingway's amongst this bunch, we never give a by line to any article.

Unfortunately, our writers do not see themselves as being "less than good" in the field of journalism and have, given this publication an ultimatum. It seems they want their names to be attached to their articles so that they, the individual writer can get the credit that they deserve. The writers have said they would go on strike unless the publication meets their demands. Management pointed out to these writers that if they were any good they would not be here in the first place. Still, "Humor News Nuts" of course, granted their demands and from now on you will have someone to blame for some really poor journalism.

The writing staff consists of the following people: Ted Collin, Mike Collin, Tim Collin, Deek Williams and Madam Misty. Ted Collin is the only one with any real talent for journalism. He deserves high praise for his ability to get the others to settle down and write a 25-200 word article each week.

Mike Collin is my younger brother and has a real problem with alcohol; he can't afford to buy it so he constantly tries to bum drinks off of me. I'd like to get rid of him but, mom says I can't so I'm stuck with him for now.

Tim Collin is my geeky older brother. He has another job and some friends so he stays away from here. He is brilliant but, he did a little too much nose candy as a student so he tends to hallucinate a great deal. His stories still sound pretty good and he writes more coherently then the rest of these people.

Deek Williams works as a fry cook and bartender at "THE HANG OUT BAR" three buildings down from ours. He's not well educated but, he knows a lot about mood swings amongst the population. He has a shoulder to cry on when you feel broken hearted and a baseball bat to crack your skull open if your feeling a little feisty. He is truly a man who has looked at life from both sides now.

Madam Misty is a fortune teller we hired just yesterday. My brother Mike met her when they were both signing up for a work release program from the jail attached to the city offices next door. Madam Misty runs her own business just on the other side of the city building. She located there because she thought it would be more convenient to be next to the jail so she could bail her girls out when they were picked up. Madam Misty also thought she might get some wealthy clients from the city offices. Madam Misty believed it would be best not to put her own business down for her work release program so she got with Mike who put her on staff. Being an internet physic is certainly an honest vocation.

Now that our staff has been introduced, a name and history can be placed with each article you read. It is hoped that each writer for "The Humor News Nuts", will write with a sense of pride as they see each article has their name in the by line.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Friday, February 27, 2009

DOW 6000 BY JUNE, HECK JUST MAKE IT AN EVEN ZERO

After months of deliberation and debate, the greatest financial minds in the world have come up with a way to finally get the Dow Jones Industrial Average to stop going down and start going up: Just drop the whole thing down to zero and start all over. “It can’t go below zero,” one Yale Economist said.

“Well, theoretically it can,” one MIT Economist chimed in.

“If it does go into negative numbers then we are all, royally phooey sticked in the shoot that poops,” observed a Harvard Economics Professor, “that would mean the stock market was giving people money not to buy shares of stock”. There is a novel behavior called “saving money” which is akin to receiving money according to Ben Franklin. For example: “a penny saved is a penny earned” or, “a dollar spent is a dollar burned” or, “an eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth” or “ skunky beer gives you a belly ache” and so on.

Although there is no consensus amongst Economists regarding where the Dow is headed, all agreed that once it hit rock bottom, (theoretical rock bottom) it would have no where to go but up. Stock traders think that zero is a good place to start the market. “Coke started over with Zero Coke,” one trader commented, “and it didn’t end up so bad”. So when the Dow hits zero it will be time to break open your piggy bank and buy, buy, buy.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT

TIGER IS BACK, NOW HE'S GONE
Tiger Woods, after returning back to golf from his latest injury, was knocked out of his latest match but, it is still great to see him back. He will no doubt return to being his gifted self on the greens. Tiger woods has a distant cousin who also plays golf, named Lion Irons. Lion has never come close to qualifying to play in any professional match. Just like in Detroit, the Tigers usually win a lot more than the lions.

The Detroit Red Wings beat the Ducks 5-2 and retain their lead in the Central Division of the Western Conference. The Detroit Pistons lost to the CAVS 98-78 are a distant second behind Chicago in their conference. Woe is me. What do I care? I didn't bet on them.

CELEBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

BATMAN BEATS OUT CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, AGAIN!!!

It seems the late Keith Ledger won an Oscar for best actor for his portrayal of the Joker in the latest Batman movie. Keith won this Oscar posthumously (that means he died before he picked up his statue). This brings to mind the terrible injustice done to the late actor Jim Varney who should have received the best actor Oscar award for what is truly the greatest movie ever made “Earnest Saves Christmas”. This masterpiece of a motion picture has never gotten the critical acclaim it deserved. The only reason this picture and its actors, director, writers etc. did not win Oscars, is because “Earnest Saves Christmas” was a docudrama, based on actual events.

The movie was great and the event it documented, the saving of Christmas, was so very important that it is too bad it has been forgotten. If Earnest hadn’t saved Christmas, just ponder on what the heck we would do every December 25th when all those obnoxious relatives show up on the door step. An Easter egg hunt has already been taken. Halloween has the dress-up holiday pretty much locked up and Thanks Giving has the pig out and watch football day sewn up. Setting off fire crackers, 4th of July. Getting loaded and passing out on the bathroom floor, New Years Eve. The only holiday fun left to entertain those relatives is passing out presents.

POLITICAL NEWS

POLITICIANS ARE NOT WHO THEY SEEM TO BE

Many conservative online sites have been saying that President Barok Obama was not born in the United States. In order to get to the bottom of this assertion, we at “Humor News Nuts” contacted the local community college to see if they had anyone on staff that could confirm or deny the origins of our President.

After e-mailing the faculty at the local community college we received a reply from someone who claimed to know the real identity of President Obama. The mans name was Duncan Dipwater. Duncan Dipwater asserted that “after careful examination of President Obama during his speech, it was evident from his flawless logic, clarity of mind and inability to show emotion, that Mr. Obama is actually from the planet Vulcan. His ears also seem just a little bit pointy, like they were really pointy once and they were filed down to make it look like he was from earth. Of course President Obama isn’t the first alien in Washington. Vice President Dick Cheney is a Ferengi from the planet Ferenginar. Donald Rumsfeld is an Android with a positronic brain. Nancy Pelosi is a Time Lord from the planet Galafrey. John Kerry was a Wookie until he lost his hair. Barney Frank and Sarah Palin both dated Darth Vader, at the same time. Darth is a two timer you know. After all he is pure evil. They say ‘he’s more machine than man now' …”

Well, it seems we actually e-mailed an in-treatment patient at the local community mental health hospital instead of the faculty at the local community college but, we are not retracting our story and expect it will be repeated all over the internet in the way befitting all factual information found on web sites. Live long and prosper.

Friday, February 13, 2009

NAUGHTY BANKERS AND NASTY CONGRESSMEN DO WASHINGTON

BUSINESS NEWS
The stock market ended lower this week with the Dow Jones Industrial Average ending the week at 7849.13, down 83 points for the day. Betting on stocks this week was more painful than betting on which jars of peanut butter would cause food poisoning.

This week the leaders of the nations 8 largest banks faced off against Congress in sometimes heated exchanges about stuff no one really understood. The bankers insisted that they were not crooks and, relative to the Congressional leaders the bankers were testifying in front of, the bankers had a point. After watching the performance of both Congress and the banking moguls who are together, supposed to save the country from financial meltdown, my brother went down to the U STEEL WE FENCE pawn shop and, bought 10 lbs of gold coins for fifteen bucks.

Tim Geitner, the new Secretary of the Treasury, received a C- on his oral report he delivered on "How To Save The Universe From Economic Oblivion". President Obama is now making the Treasury Secretary give another report on next Wednesday for extra credit. This will allow the Secretary to bump his grade up a notch to an overall B-.

MEDIA NEWS
Both Martha Stewart and Howard Stern may have to take a big pay cut since their employer, Sirius Satellite, has filed for bankruptcy. Both Martha and Howard have an open invitation to apply here at "HUMOR NEWS NUTS" as contributors. Martha could write a weekly column on picking stocks using her insider tips. Howard could be our community and religious commentator but, he has to cut his hair. Our conservative mid-western patrons do not want to read stuff written by hippies. Howard's dad, Imus, is also welcomed to apply but, Imus can't write comments regarding women's basketball.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
Although the Red Wings were down three key players, they still melted the ice by beating Minnesota 4-2. This keeps Detroit's wins at 37 in the Central Division of the Western Conference; a full seven games ahead of Chicago. In basketball, the Pistons are in second place in the Central division of the Eastern Conference. So what the heck is wrong with the Detroit Lions? Just win one game next season guys. I have jerseys and hats with your logo on them. People point at me and ridicule me. I'm fairly sure it's because of my cloths. I am however, a bit unkempt. Some call me a slob. Well, my girlfriend does anyway. But, I still don't need any more emotional baggage to carry around when I go out in public. So just win one game next season.


CELEBRITY NEWS
Angelina Jolee is so absolutely beautiful that, a mother of 14 has been trying in vain to look like the gorgeous film diva. Of course, Angelina does look a lot like Mrs. Peel from the 1960's British TV series, "The Avengers". The black leather and high kicks were something to marvel at even way back in the last century. This brings up the question: When is Angelina going to make another black leather, kick boxing, kung fu, type movie? Furthermore, whatever happened to Xena, princess warrior. Did Xena go the way of Zimma, the fruity flavored beer? I hope not.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Well, America's voyage into space is coming to an end soon. The space shuttle is to be sent to spaceship heaven. Fire crackers and bottle rockets will replace space ships for the next several years. But, although the current space program of actually going into outer space is shutting down, NASA has already picked its new team of astronauts. The picture below shows the next American space crew, set to blast off in the year 2163.

Friday, February 6, 2009

UNEMPLOYMENT SOARS AND THE STOCK MARKET ROARS

TODAY'S BUSINESS
Today it was reported that nearly six hundred thousand people filed for first time jobless benefits, the highest in 34 years. Unemployment swelled to 7.60%. This news was greeted by Wall Street with a major rally of just over 217 points with the Dow Jones Industrial Average ending at 8312.37. Many on Wall Street believe the recession is now over. "Major unemployment is a hopeful sign," remarked one Wall Street economist. "If everyone in the country were unemployed, except people on Wall Street of course, the Dow would soar to over a million points". The explanation for this complex economic phenomena is so simple it's scary. Happy hour on Wall Street starts at 9 o'clock in the morning.

MEDIA NEWS
Rupert Murdock's News Corp. reported a 6.4 billion dollar loss in the last quarter of last year. Of course, if Rupert needs a job there is always one here for him at "Humor News Nuts". We need an interpreter to translate foreign news from Aussie speak to American English. As long as Rupert doesn't bring his billow bong to work with him, he will fit in just fine. Our office is next to a police station and we don't want any trouble.(Maybe Rupert can get us an interview with Michael Phelps).


SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
It seems that the new digital TV roll out for rabbit eared televisions is sort of floppy eared. As in flopped. The government has reported that they are several million special, secret device coupons short and, that stations would have until June 17, 2009 to go to total digital TV. The government has issued a statement saying that people that do not have a digital device to receive the new signals need to go and buy up several rolls of aluminum foil. The picture still won't come in but, it can be great family fun twisting and turning the aluminum foil into various shapes while listening to the gentle hiss of static on the flickering television. People shouldn't really complain. Why do they think that giant 120 inch TV was only $69.00 at Walmart last year?

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
Well the Super Bowl is over and the Steelers won by 4 points (predicted 8 points here last week), with a final score of Pittsburgh 27 and Atlanta 23. I guess it was a great game with James Harrison's interception and 100 yard return being, the longest in Super Bowl History. Unfortunately, I was watching the Super Bowl on the floor with my eyes closed since, my brother and I had been playing Foosball for shots all afternoon. When I got up off the floor on Tuesday, I wondered how many Super Bowl games had passed since I was last conscious.

In hockey, Detroit still leads the central division of the western conference with 32wins and 11 loses. Red Wings are still a bright spot for Michigan professional sports. Now in basketball,the Detroit Pistons are a distant second in their conference so, I don't care.

CELEBRITY NEWS
In celebrity news, the Goverator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is sending out IOU's instead of payments to some bill collectors for the state of California. The governor said his situation was just like when he was living off the residuals from his hitfilm ,"Kindergarten Cop".

Friday, January 30, 2009

BAD BANK? NO THANKS I ALREADY HAVE ONE

BUSINESS NEWS
The economists in the government have proposed that a "bad bank" be created to cure the problems in the economy. Another bad bank? I already have a bad bank. For instance: When my checking account fell to a $20.00 balance, and my bank took out $25.00 for having less than $100.00 in my checking account,I thought,"this is a bad bank". When my bank charged my checking account another $25.00 for having an overdraft on my checking account because the $25.00 they took out for having less than a $100.00 balance gave me a -$5.00 balance, I thought, "this is a bad bank". When my bank sent me a letter marked urgent which, stated that my bank had accidentally sold all my personal information to someone named Smiley in a nation called Wescrewustan I thought, this is a really bad bank. So, please no more bad banks. I already have one.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
It has been reported that a couple in California have had their late pet, a dog,cloned for a cost of over $100,000. Well tape long fluffy ears on my head and pin a tale on my backside and, I will go "bow wow" for $100,000. Heck, I'd go" bow wow" for $10.00.

POLITICS
Well it's official. Governor Blagojovich is no longer Governor. He was thrown out by the Illinois state senate. When Blag was asked what he is going to do next he replied "I'm going to Disney World".

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
The Steelers will win the Super Bowl by eight points and, why do they use Roman numerals when most people have trouble with American numerals? Isn't there supposed to be a difference between numbers and letters? Let's get it together folks. Finally, the Lions didn't loose this week. Hopefully they can carry on this new tradition

FASHION AND CELEBRITY NEWS
Sergorny Weaver is still one great looking lady. So is Linda Hamilton. The exclusive photo on the left shows MS Weaver in a beautiful silver dress that she recently wore exclusively for this publication.

Friday, January 23, 2009

BUSH LEGACY/OBAMA SAYS NO WAY

This week President Obama took the oath of office twice because everyone partied so hard no one remembered if he had been sworn in as President or was given the boy scout pledge to recite.

Once sworn in, President Obama immediately started rescinding President Bush's orders for keeping prisoners at Gitmo and other places. Obama also amended the rules on torture but, did not totally rule them out. Prisoners can no longer be water boarded but, they might have to spend an hour on national TV talking to Dr. Phil about their traumatic child hoods.

Several Bush officials are staying behind at Homeland Security. They actually lost their jobs there but, now have no where else to go. That's right, several former Department of Homeland Security officials are homeless.

On the other hand, at the Department of Justice all but one Bush appointee has had to leave. One Bush appointee later remarked that "the handcuffs were a little bit tight" but, all are now out on bail and wearing a very comfortable tether while awaiting trial.

President Obama like President Bush before him, was allowed to keep one item he felt he needed to perform the office of the Presidency. President Obama was allowed to keep his Blackberry and President Bush was allowed to keep his water pipe.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
In sports I care about: the red wings lead the Central Division of the Western Conference with 68 points. The Blackhawks follow with 58 points (They will never catch up to the Wings!!! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Oh, and the Lions suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OTHER NEWS
In other news, everyone was interested in how Michelle Obama would dress the night of the Inauguration. To the right is an exclusive picture of the First Lady in her beautiful silver dress.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

OBAMA ON TRACK TO WASHINGTON PARTIES

There was much news coverage today over President-elected months ago, Obama's train ride down the East Coast to his new home (called The White House), in a very nice area of Washington D.C. It is rumored by his staff that he will be staying in his new digs for the next four years and, for perhaps four more years if the President is able to renegotiate the lease. The house Mr. Obama will be staying in was recently sold to an undisclosed party by Secretary of State Condelezza Rice (She has a real estate licence in the capital city and, Say's she sold every listing she has gotten in the Washington area). She also sold a little piece of oil rich real estate called Alaska, to billionaire financier and philanthropist, Vice President Dick Cheney. The undisclosed third party to the White House deal is rumored to be either: China, Abudabi or Australia's favorite son, Rupert Murdoch. Terms are said to be a thirty year fixed mortgage through FHA.

In related news, the other 350 billion dollars of tarp money has been asked for to help lending institutions like FHA, find it easier to make mortgage loans to unqualified customers.

It is hopeful the new President doesn't try to take a drink as he is toasted at the dozens of different parties he will be attending. President Bush warns that consuming too much alcohol can cause permanent brain damage and delusions. President Bush also warns all those youngsters out there that, too much nose candy in the oval office can cause you to garble your words. At least I guess that's what he said.

NASA said today that "there must be life on mars (oh, what the heck), intelligent life on planet mars due to the massive amounts of methane gas in the atmosphere." NASA further speculated that because we have not seen the Martians above ground that, the Martians must be living underground. NASA believes that the massive amounts of methane detected means the Martian diet must be made up of beans, weenies, sauerkraut and spam. "Spam makes me bam, bam" one NASA scientist observed.

In international news, somebody is mad at somebody else and the Irish eat potatoes. In short, who really cares? We've got enough problems.

In Sports, the Detroit Lions are not a very good team and the Detroit Red wings keep getting bigger and bigger bonuses as they keep knocking out more peoples teeth to put under their pillows. Soon the Detroit Tigers baseball team will be playing and then the Detroit Lions football team won't look like they had a loosing record at all. Perhaps the problem is that the players and coaches of the two teams should just switch sports. The team records couldn't get any worse especially for the Lions. Sports teams outside my home state of Michigan are difficult to deal with at this time because of some very emotional problems I'm having after the Lions last season (I smashed my @$## TV).

Finally, yesterday a question that has plagued man since the dawn of air travel was answered: Yes you can land a large Air Bus plane in the Hudson River but, it will not take off from the Hudson River. It is obvious more training will be needed in the future so that anyone who lands an Air Bus in the Hudson River is able to turn it back around and take back off from the river.
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