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Friday, January 30, 2009

BAD BANK? NO THANKS I ALREADY HAVE ONE

BUSINESS NEWS
The economists in the government have proposed that a "bad bank" be created to cure the problems in the economy. Another bad bank? I already have a bad bank. For instance: When my checking account fell to a $20.00 balance, and my bank took out $25.00 for having less than $100.00 in my checking account,I thought,"this is a bad bank". When my bank charged my checking account another $25.00 for having an overdraft on my checking account because the $25.00 they took out for having less than a $100.00 balance gave me a -$5.00 balance, I thought, "this is a bad bank". When my bank sent me a letter marked urgent which, stated that my bank had accidentally sold all my personal information to someone named Smiley in a nation called Wescrewustan I thought, this is a really bad bank. So, please no more bad banks. I already have one.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
It has been reported that a couple in California have had their late pet, a dog,cloned for a cost of over $100,000. Well tape long fluffy ears on my head and pin a tale on my backside and, I will go "bow wow" for $100,000. Heck, I'd go" bow wow" for $10.00.

POLITICS
Well it's official. Governor Blagojovich is no longer Governor. He was thrown out by the Illinois state senate. When Blag was asked what he is going to do next he replied "I'm going to Disney World".

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
The Steelers will win the Super Bowl by eight points and, why do they use Roman numerals when most people have trouble with American numerals? Isn't there supposed to be a difference between numbers and letters? Let's get it together folks. Finally, the Lions didn't loose this week. Hopefully they can carry on this new tradition

FASHION AND CELEBRITY NEWS
Sergorny Weaver is still one great looking lady. So is Linda Hamilton. The exclusive photo on the left shows MS Weaver in a beautiful silver dress that she recently wore exclusively for this publication.

Friday, January 23, 2009

BUSH LEGACY/OBAMA SAYS NO WAY

This week President Obama took the oath of office twice because everyone partied so hard no one remembered if he had been sworn in as President or was given the boy scout pledge to recite.

Once sworn in, President Obama immediately started rescinding President Bush's orders for keeping prisoners at Gitmo and other places. Obama also amended the rules on torture but, did not totally rule them out. Prisoners can no longer be water boarded but, they might have to spend an hour on national TV talking to Dr. Phil about their traumatic child hoods.

Several Bush officials are staying behind at Homeland Security. They actually lost their jobs there but, now have no where else to go. That's right, several former Department of Homeland Security officials are homeless.

On the other hand, at the Department of Justice all but one Bush appointee has had to leave. One Bush appointee later remarked that "the handcuffs were a little bit tight" but, all are now out on bail and wearing a very comfortable tether while awaiting trial.

President Obama like President Bush before him, was allowed to keep one item he felt he needed to perform the office of the Presidency. President Obama was allowed to keep his Blackberry and President Bush was allowed to keep his water pipe.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
In sports I care about: the red wings lead the Central Division of the Western Conference with 68 points. The Blackhawks follow with 58 points (They will never catch up to the Wings!!! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Oh, and the Lions suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OTHER NEWS
In other news, everyone was interested in how Michelle Obama would dress the night of the Inauguration. To the right is an exclusive picture of the First Lady in her beautiful silver dress.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

OBAMA ON TRACK TO WASHINGTON PARTIES

There was much news coverage today over President-elected months ago, Obama's train ride down the East Coast to his new home (called The White House), in a very nice area of Washington D.C. It is rumored by his staff that he will be staying in his new digs for the next four years and, for perhaps four more years if the President is able to renegotiate the lease. The house Mr. Obama will be staying in was recently sold to an undisclosed party by Secretary of State Condelezza Rice (She has a real estate licence in the capital city and, Say's she sold every listing she has gotten in the Washington area). She also sold a little piece of oil rich real estate called Alaska, to billionaire financier and philanthropist, Vice President Dick Cheney. The undisclosed third party to the White House deal is rumored to be either: China, Abudabi or Australia's favorite son, Rupert Murdoch. Terms are said to be a thirty year fixed mortgage through FHA.

In related news, the other 350 billion dollars of tarp money has been asked for to help lending institutions like FHA, find it easier to make mortgage loans to unqualified customers.

It is hopeful the new President doesn't try to take a drink as he is toasted at the dozens of different parties he will be attending. President Bush warns that consuming too much alcohol can cause permanent brain damage and delusions. President Bush also warns all those youngsters out there that, too much nose candy in the oval office can cause you to garble your words. At least I guess that's what he said.

NASA said today that "there must be life on mars (oh, what the heck), intelligent life on planet mars due to the massive amounts of methane gas in the atmosphere." NASA further speculated that because we have not seen the Martians above ground that, the Martians must be living underground. NASA believes that the massive amounts of methane detected means the Martian diet must be made up of beans, weenies, sauerkraut and spam. "Spam makes me bam, bam" one NASA scientist observed.

In international news, somebody is mad at somebody else and the Irish eat potatoes. In short, who really cares? We've got enough problems.

In Sports, the Detroit Lions are not a very good team and the Detroit Red wings keep getting bigger and bigger bonuses as they keep knocking out more peoples teeth to put under their pillows. Soon the Detroit Tigers baseball team will be playing and then the Detroit Lions football team won't look like they had a loosing record at all. Perhaps the problem is that the players and coaches of the two teams should just switch sports. The team records couldn't get any worse especially for the Lions. Sports teams outside my home state of Michigan are difficult to deal with at this time because of some very emotional problems I'm having after the Lions last season (I smashed my @$## TV).

Finally, yesterday a question that has plagued man since the dawn of air travel was answered: Yes you can land a large Air Bus plane in the Hudson River but, it will not take off from the Hudson River. It is obvious more training will be needed in the future so that anyone who lands an Air Bus in the Hudson River is able to turn it back around and take back off from the river.
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