IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
World leaders have been meeting all week to decide on how much Americans should pay for gas and heating oil in order to fix global warming. It seems that if our utility bills are greatly increased then the temperature outside will rise by 10 degrees Fahrenheit every 1,000 years. It is only 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside right now in Northern Michigan. If in 7,000 years the temperature rises up 70 degrees which will make it 72 degrees outside. I’ll be able to grow a garden and eat on a regular basis. It may get a little toasty for all the rich people in Southern California but, who cares?
By Tim Colin
The stock market keeps seesawing up and down. The economy must be in great shape because bankers on Wall Street are getting multimillion dollar bonuses. How do you get those jobs? I guess you have to go to colleges like Harvard or Yale. Of course if I could afford to go to one of those schools I wouldn’t need any job.
It looks like the health insurance industry and congress have finally hammered out a bill to reform health insurance. The White House and Senators who have been working long hours said that the bill will help insurance companies by making consumers healthier which will then drive down costs. It seems the unlimited amounts of money insurance companies will be able to charge government forced customers, will keep people from having money to buy food and will thereby curtail the problem with overweight individuals which is currently costing the insurance companies a lot of money. And of course, if people should happen to starve to death on the streets and not die of natural old age causes then, this too will sharply drive down the health care burden those insurance companies are suffering. Personally, I'm going to control my weight by going on a liquid diet. I won't keep any food at home and I'll consume all my meals at The Big Liver Lounge. I hang out there most of the time anyway. My new diet will most likely get me the cheapest health insurance rate.
Overall, the health care bill seems to be a victory for everyone. Now everyone will be forced to buy health insurance coverage at prices set by the insurance industry. No one can be denied health insurance and would only have to pay 3x the regular rate if the insurance companies can find something wrong with you. (If you are over 50 years old then you have something really wrong with you.). On the positive side, the White House points out that no one can be denied being sold a health care policy and it will be up to the insurance industry to decide what treatments they will pay for. And, if you die because your insurance company denied your treatment then, your relatives will find it virtually impossible to sue the insurance company because the company works with the federal government. This last point will truly drive down costs all across the industry. Everyone must pay into a plan and insurance companies will cover nothing. This legislation has been named in honor of the famous wall street wizard, Bernie Madoff. It will be called the Bernie Madoff insurance reform legislation.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well the Tigers and the Lions have bit the dust this year. Now only the Detroit Pistons or the Red Wings can hold Detroit together. With a reported 50% unemployment rate I feel sorry for Detroit. But, we in Northern Michigan have our local minor league baseball teams like the Midland Loons and the Traverse City Beach Bums. Maybe our Bums and Loons might be a match up with the Tigers. Based on last season I would say they would not. But, who knows.
Speaking of Tigers, how about that Tiger Woods. My goodness. Tiger Woods is a real Tiger after all. (Roar!!!). I’ve never really respected golfers as athletes but, with all the girlfriends Tiger has well, Dog Gone! Like Bill Clinton in his second term, I’m starting to have respect for the man. It seems Tiger was much better at playing horizontal doubles than straight up and down singles matches. Now, many people are worried because Tiger has lost so many endorsement sponsors. The truth is Tiger is losing all his athletic and business endorsements but, now he can get all those more lucrative endorsements from pharmaceutical companies for their little pills, air pumps and, lotions.
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
Well, January is coming next month. At that time it will be January and time to sweep out the old cobwebs out of my Petoskey Stones. I like to clean house during January so I can find all the places I put my bottles of apricot brandy while I was in a trance. Sometimes when I trance out I forget where I put things. I go all through my trailers every year. I also clean everything out and find all sorts of things that are stuffed in every crack and crevice.
Now, I predict that not only will I find stuff in all sorts of places in my trailer in January but, I also predict that the stock market will go up along with the price of oil. I also predict that the woman’s rest room at the Big Liver Lounge will get a new coat of paint in January. They really need to clean the place or flush the toilet or something. But, the owner is really lazy and it is always easier to just paint over stuff than to actually clean it up. The fresh paint will make it smell better anyway.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Well, if you want to see rockets being sent up in the air in the U.S. then you had best show up for the 4th of July fireworks display. NASA is still going to be getting a huge budget every year but, the money will be spent on things that do not relate to space and or technology. They will instead be spending all their money on having expensive entertainment at climate change conferences that will be held around the world. It costs a lot of money for caviar and champagne at climate change conferences. Eating well and getting drunk is a lot more fun than doing science stuff. I tried to tell my high school teachers that when I was a kid but, they said I was wrong. Well, look who says they were all wrong; none other than our very own government science guys. So there!!!
By Mike Colin
Avatar is opening this weekend at most theaters. I and every guy I know are going to see this movie. It has the two things in a movie that every guy loves: senseless violence and Sigourney Weaver. The code words of guys for senseless violence are “action adventure” The code words for really intense senseless violence are “science fiction” and this film looks to be full of “science fiction”.
Although this might not be a movie classified as a “chick flick”, it has one of the hottest chicks in moviedom staring in it. That chick is Sigourney Weaver. She may be getting more mature in age but, to guys Sigourney Weaver is looked at in the same way that women look at Sean Connery or Hugh Grant. We guys all grew up watching this hot chick defeating these really nasty aliens. In our eyes she never ages. She looks nice and you want to have someone like that to get your back in a bar fight.