IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
It is election 2010 and as Editor of this blog I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we don’t care!!! We don’t care because it does not matter who you vote for because nothing is going to change. As my late Uncle Rev. Bobby used to say, “Those who can pay have all the say. Those that don’t have to pray.” Now Uncle Bobby was a lay preacher so he knew something about prayer. I’m sure he was praying right before he got beaten to death by that one ladies husband. Of course the All Mighty let Uncle Bobby down when he let that woman’s husband out of work early that night.
Although we don’t care about elections overall there is however, one candidate that we are endorsing at this blog. The candidate is Bill M. Oron who is running a campaign to be elected President of the United States in 2010. He should have an easy time taking office since he is the only person running for President in this election cycle. Bill is running as an Independent since his unemployment has run out and he does not have the money to pay to join any political party.
Bill is qualified to be President since he is 23 years old and you only have to be 21 years old to run for President in Michigan. In addition, I can personally vouch for the character of Bill M. Oron. I’ve know Bill since High School and he is quite a guy. He would crack up even the teachers when he’d put straws up his nose and do an impersonation of a walrus.
In addition to a sense of humor Bill was always popular with girls. He had a girlfriend of some type all the way through high school. He got married a month after he graduated and was a father a few days later. Since his marriage Bill has been an outstanding family man. He does not beat his wife or kid and is usually on time in paying child support, unless he goes to the casino.
Another quality that Bill has is that he does not drink and drive since he lost his license last August. He is also good with animals except for that incident with that ladies exotic bird. That case won’t go to trial until after the 2010 election at which point Bill will be able to pardon him. Now in Bill’s defense his attorney is going to make a case that the cockatiel had it coming to her when she kept parading back and forth in front of Bill when he was homeless, starving and, living in a dumpster. Bill was very anemic at the time and had become delusional. He thought the cockatiel was a stray cat. He admits he never tasted cat that tasted so much like chicken.
Overall, Bill M. Oron has all of the qualities that most of our politicians have, particularly those that run for high office. One thing I can tell you about Bill is that he has never taken a bribe in his life. Of course he has never had anything anybody wanted. Even the local pawn shops have banned him from coming in since he always brings in the most worthless crap.
By Tim Colin
In business news: I was forced by the prosecutor’s office to stop giving people tours of local quicksand bogs. It seems many people have come up missing during the tours. I told the prosecutor that they just disappeared. I said I finally got wise and started making sure that I was always paid in advance.
In other business news: I think that if you’re interested in what the stock market or real estate market are doing then you must be delusional. You’ve lost all your money already so you’re going to have to forget about retirement and go do something else for the rest of your life. The big box stores always have job openings for greeters and, if you happen to work at a store that sells appliances you can probably get a nice cardboard box to live in. If you happen to work at a store that sells cheap wine then, you will have a way to forget about how much dignity you lost because you were so stupid when you invested your money with Wall Street bankers.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Rotten Apple Core (TRAC) is on track to become the next professional association of athletes covered by Sirius Radio. Our championship game will be broadcast every Halloween from coast to coast and internationally for the next four years. We will be sponsored by Apple Cider Beer Brewers of South Africa which is the largest cider beer brewer in North America.
For those of you who are ignorant of the game known as “Rotten Apple” it is played just like dodge ball except you use rotten apples in place of your balls. Players try to knock off opposing team members by hitting them with a rotten apple. If you are hit by a rotten apple then you are out of the game.
This sport has caught on so much in popularity that there are leagues forming in Canada, Brazil, Russia and, China. In March of 2011 there is going to be an international conference to settle on some uniform rules for the game. I just hope they don’t sissy the game up by not letting you aim for an opponent’s eye with the apple stem. Wearing things like helmets and crotch protectors would also take away from the tough guy image associated with the game of “Rotten Apple”.
By Mike Colin
Younger Brother of the Editor
Well it’s getting pretty chilly up here in Northern Michigan. The local vampires are getting ready to fly to Cancun for the winter. Several local vampire bars have already closed for the season. Before all the vampires take off for Cancun they will be having a “Rave at the Grave” party on Halloween. The party lasts from dusk until dawn and everyone, mortal, immortal and, immoral should have a really good time. The band called Heavy Drinking Vampires is going to provide the entertainment. There is no admission price at the gate to get in however; a donation of about two pints of blood is advisable. If you don’t give at the gate they will probably insist that you make an even larger donation of blood latter on in the evening. If you are intending on making the larger donation then you should say goodbye to your family and friends before you go to the rave because the next time you see them you won’t look at them as your family and friends; you’ll look at them as your next meal.
By Mystic Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
I will be so glad when all those old vampires take off to Cancun for the winter. They don’t know how to drive. They come up behind you with their expensive sports cars driving like a bat out of hell and then tailgate you like you’re supposed to drive over the speed limit so they can go faster. They even try to pass you when there is a double yellow line in the road. It is just like they don’t care if they get killed or not. These vampires also don’t seem to care if they kill anyone else.
Another thing I hate about vampires is that when they’re around you have to wear those heavy scarves laced with garlic powder every time you go out at night. If you forget to have garlic around your neck before you know it some vampire is right there trying to give you a hickey. I mean I don’t mind it so much when it’s a guy trying to bite my neck but, I am really not into chicks getting that familiar. And, of course up here in Michigan there must be ten female vampires for every guy vampire. Honestly, I just wish these vampires would just stay down in Cancun year around.