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Friday, February 10, 2012

OBSERVATION CONFIRMS: CATS REALLY DON’T HAVE NINE LIVES

HUMOR NEWS NUTS 2012 FEBRUARY IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin

According to all the 2012 presidential candidates, we are going back to the moon. In fact, we will have a permanent colony established there by 2020 and perhaps the moon will become a state. If the moon does become a state several futurists have come up with some new names for this state. By futurists I mean of course my friends at the bar. One futurist I know thought the new lunar state should be called Lunaria. I and the other futurists thought that that name was stupid so the Lunaria guy shut up for the rest of the night. I think he was mad or something. Another futurist who was born in Texas thought the new lunar state should be called Texmoonous. That really did not sound too bad but I thought my idea of naming the moon Moonishigan sounded better but, nobody else thought so. Finally, the name Looneymoon was settled upon as the best name for our new 51st state in the union. BUSINESS NEWS By Tim Colin After listening to the presidential debates it is obvious that by 2020 the moon will replace china as the new number one powerhouse of economic growth. After all, there are at least 7 billion moon men and none of them have products like the Nphone, Nintendo Wii or, any kind of Ronco gadgets. And, how could they have ever heard of cubic zirconium or diamondniques when they probably don’t have access to the Home Shopping channel. Of course they might have satellite TV so maybe they can buy stuff but, who in the world (literally who in the world) is going to deliver the stuff. My point being is that these moon men are going to want a lot of our stuff so the market there will be tremendous. I am also pretty sure that the labor there is really cheap. Maybe we could sneak some of these moon creatures onto our world to work as domestics and gardeners. Although, from what I’ve seen through the telescope I don’t think any of them has a green thumb for gardening. The moon seems like kind of a dusty place so there might be a bit of retraining to do for lunar immigrants when it comes to house cleaning. SPORTS NEWS By Tim Colin Since we will for sure be going back to the moon and have a colony there by 2020, I would like to begin now franchising golf courses designed specifically to take into account the very special attributes of the moons surface and lack of gravity. Let’s face it, “Putt, Putt Golf” on the moon would have to be as large an area as an 18 hole golf course if you take into account how far a golf ball just putted on the moon will go. Of course windmills would be out on such courses because there is no wind. Regular golf courses might be as large as the state of Wisconsin with pools of mercury substituting for water ponds. Of course with such large courses renting golf carts by the mile would be the sensible thing for any businessman to do. And, setting up air stations every few miles with very high air rental fees would also be something a prudent businessman would design into his lunar golf course. A very high air deposit fee might also be given to a golf patron with of course the deposit refunded should the patron hold his breath all the way across the fairway and then return the air unused. I feel it is always good to give a customer an optional way to save some money. MICHIGAN OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS By Mike Colin Well, February in Michigan is a lot like January in Michigan excerpt you don’t have any more Christmas presents left to return to the store in order to have some cash to hang out with. Picking up road kill for dinner is slim pickings in Michigan during the month of February because the critters don’t move around much so the pickings are slim and the seagulls are out at the crack of dawn visiting the roadways for carrion. Seagulls are like the top of the chair for road kill carnivores with man coming in a distant second or maybe third or fourth. It is hard to face but if evolution and the survival of the fittest were really true then we’d all be taking orders from those noble chickens of the sea known as gulls. PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel When I looked into my crystal ball this month to see how February was going to turn out, all I saw was white stuff. I thought we were going to be in for some really bad snow storms but then, I saw my girlfriend Pam who was sitting on the opposite side of the table from me had gone to use the bathroom and had left her cigarette smoldering in her empty coffee cup just behind my ball. Once Pam had come back from the bathroom and reclaimed her cigarette then the white stuff disappeared and I saw clear cold skies as the future for the month of February. SCIENCE NEWS By Gerrard I have always heard from people that cats have nine lives. Well, my cat Tigger proved to me last week that cats do not have nine lives even though Tigger, in human terms, lived to be 110 years old. Well, 110 seems like a lot of years however, many more people today are living to be 100 years old or even older. So, for Tigger to have nine lives he would have to live to be close to 1,000 years old (in cat years). Of course maybe he would have if he had not been playing in the street after I had told him for the last 110 cat years of his life that he should stay in the yard and never go out in the street.
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