HUMOR NEWS NUTS
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Last week we learned the identity of the winner of the Michigan Primary. This by itself is very unusual in the State of Michigan since normally election results are kept secret. It’s part of our Constitution. In the Michigan Bill of Rights the only enumeration is that “What The People of Michigan Don’t Know Won’t Hurt Them”.
Well, last Tuesday history was made in Michigan when the winner of the Michigan Aluminum Foil Hat Party was announced at Dietrich Muller’s Ski Lodge and Bowling Alley Plc. The winner of the election was Colonel John J. Fruitcake III. Of course the title “Colonel” in this case is not an earned military title but is an inherited title going back to Corporal John J. Fruitcake -II who was shot as a deserter during the Civil War. It seems Colonel Fruitcake’s family couldn’t spell “corporal” so the title colonel was allowed to stick
Now I hate to brag but I was able to interview Colonel Fruitcake III after he was announced the winner of the primary election. I caught up with the Colonel at Dietrich Muller’s Ski Lodge and Bowling Alley just aster the votes had been recounted twice at 9:02 p.m. which was two minutes after the polls closed. Colonel Fruitcake won the primary with just a narrow margin of just two votes. To the point, the Colonel won with 3 votes over his opponent who got just one vote. Personally, I voted for his opponent but I will support the overall party winner in the general election.
The first question I asked Colonel Fruitcake was “How does it feel to be the front runner in your bid to be at the top of the ticket to run against President Obama?
“Well,” began the Colonel,” it was a long hard slog but in the end, I beat out my opponent known on the ballet as “Other” by going door to door throughout the entire trailer park where I live. I even drove two old people to the polls to get their votes. I also had to take mom and dad out to get groceries so it worked out.”
“Now where did the Aluminum Party start and what does it stand for?” I asked.
“Well, as you probably know that back in the 1990’s when people were revolting against the Beetles invasion in Boston by dumping Chinese tea at the Salem Witch Trials my ancestors were wadding up cheap Ohio made aluminum foil and dumping it in the Flint river. Of course the reason my ancestors did this in the distant past was because they knew that cheap aluminum foil would not protect their brains from alien mind control. And, by alien I don‘t mean humans on earth who happen to traverse across arbitrary human boundaries that support leachy elites known as national governments. I mean the really truly evil aliens that come from the darkness of deep space. In other words, the only real aliens are life forms that come from other worlds. In other words and to answer the last part of your strange question; People of this World Unite against the evil creatures that come from places and dimensions that our minds cannot comprehend.”
Now after that speech I really wish I would not have voted for “Other”.
By Tim Colin
“Beware gift horses that kiss your sister on the mouth.” I don’t have any sisters that I know of so I don’t really know what the aforesaid saying means but, I think that the stock market must have some relationship to the statement since although the stock market has been going up and up lately sooner or later it will go down.
The stock market is like a tree. It grows and grows and grows and then when one night you fall asleep, the next door neighbor cuts down the tree and sells the wood and his cousin who is the deputy sheriff arrests you for cutting down a tree without a permit. Life is full of these examples so, I just wish I was taught to be sneaky as a kid and I didn’t have to learn it through the college of hard knocks.
Maybe the government should pay for such an education. Lying and Stealing 101 should be a required class in order to get a college degree. Certainly High School students should have this kind of class. Maybe starting the Lying and Stealing educations should be started in kindergarten like the alphabet and numbers. It can then become progressively more detailed as each student progresses through school. At the end of all educations should be an understanding of insurance based equity-swapped bail bonds which is the currency our modern society is based upon.
OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
Brother to the Editors
Last week I went out to Southern Bedar Valley which is just west of Grisstone Michigan. Of course the North end of the valley is full of really nice million dollar homes but, the southern part is not full of such homes but it is still beautiful there.
The one thing you have to watch out for around this valley is that there are a lot of guys with guns who stake themselves out around all the little cricks, lakes and, ponds. They are really defending their fishing territory because every time you get a little bit close to them they shoot their guns off three times. Evidently, that is to warn people away so you don’t screw up their fishing. One funny thing is that these guys always have the silliest looking ferns around them. These ferns come up in rows like they are planted by a farmer. The other funny thing is that these guys never have a fishing pole, they just have guns. Boy I’d hate to be them if a Department Of Natural Resources officer showed up and found that they were fishing with rifles, shotguns and machine guns. I still don’t know what the silly plants are that seem to grow in rows where these fishermen are stationed.”
PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Somebody broke into my trailer and stole both of my balls, Of course a powerful mystic like myself does not really need balls in order to se the future however, showing off my balls to my clients gives their experiences with me a certain ambiance. That ambiance is worth about $20.00 since without my crystal balls my clients will only dish out $5.00 instead of the customary $25.00.
Well, not to bother my readers with anymore of my personal or financial problems I just have to say that this month there will be such an interstellar boom that the NASA people will be railing back on their little twin moons and all thinking that the end just might be .near.