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Saturday, December 20, 2014

THE BIG HACK ATTACK

by TIM COLIN
SENIOR EDITOR/PUBLISHER
HUMOR NEWS NUTS PUBLICATIONS

I have just been following the big hacking story involving a fellow media giant.  It seems that because of a particular movie's release a foreign government has hacked into the IT network of a major company and is at this moment posting pilfered information to the internet.  Much of this information is supposed to be about celebrities like Angelina Jolie.   I for one have been scouring the internet for pictures but, I haven't found any pilfered photos of any major star.  I did find a picture of General Patton in a tank top.  (LOL).  I will continue my investigation of pilfered celebrity photos.

In regards to the moral and legal issues of hacking into a media outlet's stored data all I have to say is that HNS has been hacked several times.  In fact, if it weren't for hackers we probably wouldn't have any visitors to our websites.  We may be famous but, we're definitely not popular.   It's just like in high school when everyone knows who you are and they avoid you.  Knowing the truth about other worldly beings makes for a long and lonely life.

So, I don't mind the attention my publications receive from hackers at all.   I even enjoy spam.  In fact, the only e-mail I receive is spam and I don't knock spam because sometimes you can get really great deals from spam ads.  I can hardly wait until I've scraped $500 around to send in so I can get my free trip to Bermuda.  It's a limited time offer so I'm going to have to sell something fast to raise the cash.

As far as who hacks into our computers I can tell you that we've been hacked at least once by a major foreign government.  I can't tell you the name of the government online but, I'll give you a really big hint.   The government that hacked our system is a nuclear power and it has at least one letter (A) in its name.

Now, the hack by this government (whom I will refer to as "government A") was quite substantial.  We are pretty certain that government A was after information regarding aliens from outer space and they went deep into our oldest system (powered by a Commodore 64).  Unfortunately, government A downloaded a version of a Ping-Pong game that had an old computer virus attached to it.  This old virus was immune from all the modern anti-virus filters and infected the entire defense network of government A and all the other major nations  who were hacking government A's computer system.   The result was that all the defense computers in the world adjusted their warfare strategies to match those of a Ping-Pong player.  Of course if one player or the other were to miss the little electronic ball being batted back and forth then, all the missiles in the world would simultaneously launch and every life form on earth will die.

So, the results of this hack almost caused a global thermal nuclear event.  Fortunately for the world, little Patty Ellenberger who delivers our paper and also maintains our computer system, was able to hack into government A's defense computer and create a loop in the Ping-Pong game so that every hit by one paddle would result in a save and a hit back by the paddle on the other side thereby, thwarting a catastrophe.   At least the catastrophe is thwarted as long as the loop remains running.  Of course this means that every major nuclear power has people sitting in a war room watching a giant black and white screen with an electronic ball being slowly batted from an electronic paddle on the right to an electronic paddle on the left and then back again.  

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