IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Humor News Nuts Publications
Well, the holiday is over and everything should be getting back to normal but, I have recently been informed by world renown Frederick Michigan Community College Professor Ima Havadatrots that aliens have left behind definitive evidence that proves their presence. Following is my interview with the esteemed professor.
Ted: “Professor Havadatrots, are you prepared to definitively say that aliens have visited our world and if so, what is your evidence?”
Professor Havadatrots: “The evidence is definitive that we have been visited right here in Northern Michigan by persons from another world. You see just the other day as I was picking up beer cans and bottles along Highway I 75 I spied with my little eye some most unusual garbage. It was really colorful with a type of sheen on it that I have never seen before. Now this refuse came in two different shapes. One was that of a platter or plate ant the other was much like that of a cup. Upon examination of the trash I found that unlike human earth plates or cups which are made out of natural earth materials such as paper or Styrofoam this garbage was like a plastic material. I of course knew at once it was not plastic because it came from an alien world. I.m sure aliens have materials much different than plastics to make plates and cups out of.”
Ted: “So Professor, what did you do with the alien “cups and plates”?
Professor Havadatrots: Well Ted, I picked up and stuffed an entire plastic garbage bag with the alien plates and cups and sent them off to NASA for analysis. I hope to hear back from them anytime on the molecular structures of the alien materials.”
Ted: “What if NASA is unable to identify the molecules of your alien plates and cups?”
Professor Havadatrots: “Then I guess I’ve discovered a new material and I will make a lot of money. My guess is that the material because it comes from outer space is completely resistant is infinitely extremely high temperatures. Therefor, I envision that all futue generations of spaceships will have their hulls made up of the red, white and blue materials that make up the alien plates and cups.
MISTY MERKLE ON DECORATION DAY AND A PREDICTION
By Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
Well, my memorial day was not so good. You see the last Spanish-American War veteran in the family (he fought on the Spanish side), my great great great uncle Herkle Merkle died last summer and in his will he insisted that if his great grandson Benny was going to inherit the farm then Dear old ancestor Herkle had to be burried on Decoration Day. Well, Uncle Herkle died in August so it was gong to be a time before he could be laid to rest. Now his descendent Benny Merkle could not afford to keep is ancestor on ice at the funeral parlor for that length of time. So Benny kept Private Herkle Merkle in his own freezer out in the garage. Well things would have been ok but Benny got a deer during bow season last year and then got another deer during rifle season. So, Great Granddad Herkle Merkle had to go somewhere else.
Now the old farm happened to have a root cellar just a few feet down from the outhouse and well. Of course Benny being a Merkle was quick thinking and stuck great grandpa in the root cellar just on top of the potatoes that Benny kept in there for the winter. Of course things would have been fine if it had stayed below freezing until Decoratin Day this year but we had a really warm month in March and that meant that there would be no open casket at the funeral. In fact no one would have come close to that funeral except that Benny raised herbs on his farm so my great great uncle who fought for the Spanish in the Spanish-American war was laid to rest on Decoration Day smelling like sage, chives, oregano and garlic.
After the funeral I stopped off at the bar for a beer and I didn’t realize it but the smell of the herbs got into my cloths so several people at the bar asked me for my recipe for spaghetti sauce.
Well, after I got home and broke open a fresh bottle of Mogen David I started to see the future. It seems that the stock market is going to go the way of my romantic life, in short the stock market is going to not work out too well for those who have faith in it. I also see politics to be nothing but a big bouncing ball. And, every time that ball bounces it is really going to hurt.
THE LATEST TECH
I just invented this new social forum to communicate with on the internets. I call it “TEETS” (TOTALLY ENORMOUS EXCITING TRANSCRIPTS). With Teets you can communicate with up to 8 ½ words (That’s the number of toes I have). Now, each word can be up to 11 letters long (that’s the number of fingers I have if you count the big wart on my left hand’s little pinky). I believe that “TEETS” will really catch on and eventually become a trillion dollar IPO.
So, try out my “TEETS” and see how many of your friends you can get to try my “TEETS”. Personally, I hope to really milk this idea.