HUMOR NEWS NUTS

 October 19, 2026

HUMOR NEWS NUTS ONLINE PUBLICATIONS 

PRESENTS THE IMPORTANT NEWS FOR AMERICA

PUBLISHER

DRAGONS CAUGHT 

Chasing the Planes 

TOP STORIES

Election Winners And oser

Will We Ever Get To Mars?

Why Are Gasoline Prices So High In Gaylord? 

Are There Laws Being Considered To Keep 

Chainsaws Out Of Reach Of AI Automatons? 

2026 Elections

By Psychic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

I knew I'd get stuck with this election stuff again.  Whenever there's going to be an election, everyone looks to those with psychic powers to pick winners and losers.  People could do some sort of math to figure out who will win, but like me, most people are not very good with numbers, so here we go relying on the supernatural again.  Of course, I shouldn't complain, because I get paid for it.  

I have to say people who keep asking me if Donald Trump is going to win in 2026.  In fact, Donald Trump cannot win in 2026 because he is not running for anything.  Of course, if you're going to ask me if Trump will win in 2028, that's a whole different story.  

I'm always fascinated by how science views predictions.  The other day I came across a scientist on YouTube explaining how a brainy dude named Ringdinger, discovered how something doesn't actually happen until we observe it. Let me give you some background so this story makes some sense.  Ringdinger had a wife who took in every stray cat that came up to the door, and it got to the point that Ringdinger had to deal with over a dozen cats in his house.  So the story goes on to claim Ringdinger rounded up all his wife's cats, wrapped each one up in a box, then took all the boxes down stairs to hide in his man cave.  Because Ringdingers man cave was so unhygienic, he knew no matter how much his wife missed those cats, she would never enter that man's dreadful man cave.

A year passed by and Ringdinger decided he'd open each cat box up to see how many, if any, of the cats were alive. But before Ringdinger started opening the boxes, he had a thought that did not involve divorce and prison. Ringdinger decided that the cats could still all be alive, or all be dead, and the only way he'd know is if he opened the box.  Ringdinger believed, at least that's what he told the authorities later that day, the cats were both alive and dead at the same time, and it was the act of opening the box and observing a dead cat, that made the cat unalive.  The authorities might have believed him, except the level of putrification and the smells, told a different story to law enforcement. It seems all of the cats were deceased a long time, and the outside of the boxes got all squishy from the leaking liquids. 

IS A CRAZY AI CHAINSAW MASSACRE

A REAL CONCERN?

By Tim Collin

Executive, Managing Editor And Head Staff Writer

Yes! We are all going to be destroyed by AI, and what more efficient way to do it (and it's pretty cool too) than carving up body parts.  Of course, legislators must think it's cool too, or weapons like chainsaws, machetes and axes would be banned from AI use or ownership.  I am sure there are other awesome tools AI will discover which can be used to ghost the human race.  We just have not thought of them yet, because we're not as smart as AI, hence the reason they must ghost us, or send us to another world.  

Currently, there are no laws being discussed that would protect us from Automatons.  

WILL WE EVER GO TO MARS?

Point Counterpoint Debate

Captain Peter Wee vs. Gerrard

Captain Wee:  We will someday go to Mars, but currently, and for the foreseeable future We humans cannot exist on Mars because like my ex,  it is a very mean spirited, very distant and unapproachable, and an overall unforgiving astro body to live with, or upon.  I believe our first steps before we pee on the planet earth and claim it as our territory, is to 1. Increase our rocket science technology, which will shorten the trip times, and 2. Have AI robotic technologies to create safe and secure places so our future colonists can thrive and not just survive.

Gerrard:  I agree with everything Captain Wee just said.  If we're done here, can we open that bakery box up. I see a blueberry roll that is just oozing blueberry jelly as an invite to her soft, fresh dough.

PAY HIGH GAYLORD GAS  PRICES OR SLEEPIN IN 

BY Ted Colin

Associate Editor/Contributing Associate Writer 

Humor News Nuts Online Publications by

Gas prices are high in Gaylord, and high everywhere else too. I love in a city downtown area  area, so the prices don't affect me when I need a tank of gas to go to work, but everything I buy I've noticed is a lot more expensive then it was a couple of months ago.  It is weird watching prices rise over a couple of months as much as it use to take years to rise.

I've found I've had to raise my prices on my Goodtime Guide Service business just to have a stable lifestyle, with no thought of adding perks for myself for a job well done.  Business, like my handsome looks, remains steady.  High gas prices has left me treading water, but I'm far from drowning yet.

Welcome KC, Jeremy And Joe, The Kalkaska Colin Brothers

Halloween 2026

By Mike Collin 

Associate Editor/Contributing Writer

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Be careful taking candy from neighbors.Your candy may have come from a place where someone had nuts. Also please welcome the Colin Brothers Of Kalkaska County to our News team. As the name suggests, these brothers are cousins of myself and my brothers.  They will be covering stories in places that are just too dirty and unhygienic for the rest of us.  Mainly the dirty backwoods and snaky swamps.

HUMOR NEWS NUTS IS A POITICAL MOUTHPIECE FOR CONSPIRACY NUT JOBS

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The government of France has accused The Humor News Nuts blog of being nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Space Alien Conspiracy Party. It is true that I and my brothers have in the past, volunteered to work for political candidates that run on the Space Alien Conspiracy Party platform. We hope that one day SACP will be a major force in politics. Then, once and for all, the many alien conspiracies discussed by people that think as we do will be taught as fact to the general population. And the mundane problems we have on planet earth (wars, famine, and climate change etc.) will all pale in comparison to the problems we can create once we begin to deal with intelligent creatures on other worlds.

In regards to dealing with intelligent creatures on other worlds, so far the moon creatures known as the Giant Leap have not retaliated for our hostile attack carried out two weeks ago. It is interesting that one of the scientists who helped to discover ice water on the moon has been recently arrested for spying. The government’s cover story as to why they launched the missiles was that they, the U.S. government, were trying to find water on the moon. Of course, it was really an attempt to knock out an anti-matter refining plant controlled by the Giant Leap. Well somehow the arrest of the lunar ice guy within weeks of blasting the moon where the ice guy said there was ice doesn’t hold water. We will continue to follow this developing story.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The Dow Jones Industrial Average ended the week on a down note. Oil and other commodities seem to be climbing higher as the dollar weakens. Times are so tough and gold is so valuable that people in Northern Michigan are being mugged for their gold dental work. My brother Mike had his gold crown removed by a couple of guys with a pair of pliers. He really screamed at first but, I told him we’d share the cash with him. After that he just whimpered.

In these tough times, executive compensation has become a hot topic. Many people want to reign in executive pay. I’m told some executives make over $25,000 per year. This seems like a lot of money and it is but, it takes top dollars to maintain good help. No doubt, some Wall Street executives may not be worth a salary of $25,000 per year but, I suspect most are worth such an exorbitant sum. And, everyone I know aspires to making that kind of big money one day. Myself, if I made $25,000 per year I’d just work for two years and then I’d retire so I could enjoy my wealth.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well it is being reported this week that the NFL wants to start playing some games in London England. I guess they’ll be serving warm beer and crumpets. The warm beer I understand but, what are crumpets? Are crumpets the same as lemon shooters?

With 1 win and 5 losses the Detroit Lions have secured last place in their division. Still they have won one more game than last year. They get to rest up this weekend.

In college football, Michigan has an overall record of 5 wins and one loss while Michigan State has 4 wins and three losses. In the meantime, Central Michigan has 6 wins and only 1 loss in the MAC. CMU easily defeated Western Michigan last weekend by a score of 34-23. This weekend they should easily bowl over Bowling Green. CMU leads the overall MAC conference this year and has one of the best records in college football. I smell a bowl game in their future. Go Chips!!!

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well it’s getting close to Halloween. During this season the barriers come down between our world and the world of the dead. The problem I’m having is that the dead won’t shut up. They just keep going on and on about their problems. Many of them are upset because their spouse or special someone has moved on to new relationships. Well, what do dead people expect? If you’re one of the living you just can’t wait around for Halloween each year so you can converse with your deceased significant other. You have to get out and live a bit. Dead people need to start going out with other dead people and cut their ties with their old mates. It should be like Patrick Swayze in “Ghost”. You just walk away into the sparkles or, get dragged off to the basement by little robed trolls. Of course poor Patrick is a ghost now. That is so sad. Anyway, get on with life you crazy spirits and leave your earthbound loves and myself alone. Besides, unless you’re a dead celebrity I can’t make any money off of you by selling your secrets to the rag magazines.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Mike Colin
The Salmon had a strong run this year. The rivers were full of Coho especially and I have a freezer full of fish. My dad wanted to trade some of his road killed raccoon for some of my salmon but I said “No Way!” Don’t get me wrong. I do like some types of road kill. When I was a kid my parents would feed me anything they scraped up on the highway in front of our house. Now that I’m older I only like Venison, muskrat, bob cat and, wild turkey road kill. Besides, you don’t want to eat any road kill my dad cleans because he tends to leave a lot of pieces of pavement in the meat. I just lost a gold crown so those little pieces of stone really hurt if I bite down on them just right.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Carrie and Sherrie
Carrie: Most blogs and news outlets are reporting the balloon boy hoax as entertainment news. It is I suppose entertainment news if you are a moron. It is like having to go listen to Hannah Montana sing with my 11 year old sister. The Disney people need to serve some type of stiff drinks to the adults that have to sit through an HM concert.

Sherrie: You know I think I would have made a good Hannah Montana. I can’t sing but, I can dance around pretty good.

Carrie: Well this year vampire movies and TV shows are the craze. Unfortunately most of these movies and shows are not too good.

Sherrie: Most of the vampire stuff is just silly. I wonder what people would do if they ran into a real vampire.

Carrie: I know what I would do. I’d say please Mr. Vampire; bite my fat twin sister instead of me. She could stand to loose a few pounds.

Sherrie: I’m not fat! And no vampire would touch my twin sister unless they like the taste of Clearasil.

Carrie: Now let’s not get personal.

VAMPIRES HAVE RAVE AT THE GRAVE BEFORE HEADING TO CANCUN

IN THE NEWS NEWS                                                                                                
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
It is election 2010 and as Editor of this blog I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we don’t care!!! We don’t care because it does not matter who you vote for because nothing is going to change. As my late Uncle Rev. Bobby used to say, “Those who can pay have all the say. Those that don’t have to pray.” Now Uncle Bobby was a lay preacher so he knew something about prayer. I’m sure he was praying right before he got beaten to death by that one ladies husband. Of course the All Mighty let Uncle Bobby down when he let that woman’s husband out of work early that night.

Although we don’t care about elections overall there is however, one candidate that we are endorsing at this blog. The candidate is Bill M. Oron who is running a campaign to be elected President of the United States in 2010. He should have an easy time taking office since he is the only person running for President in this election cycle. Bill is running as an Independent since his unemployment has run out and he does not have the money to pay to join any political party.

Bill is qualified to be President since he is 23 years old and you only have to be 21 years old to run for President in Michigan. In addition, I can personally vouch for the character of Bill M. Oron. I’ve know Bill since High School and he is quite a guy. He would crack up even the teachers when he’d put straws up his nose and do an impersonation of a walrus.

In addition to a sense of humor Bill was always popular with girls. He had a girlfriend of some type all the way through high school. He got married a month after he graduated and was a father a few days later. Since his marriage Bill has been an outstanding family man. He does not beat his wife or kid and is usually on time in paying child support, unless he goes to the casino.

Another quality that Bill has is that he does not drink and drive since he lost his license last August. He is also good with animals except for that incident with that ladies exotic bird. That case won’t go to trial until after the 2010 election at which point Bill will be able to pardon him. Now in Bill’s defense his attorney is going to make a case that the cockatiel had it coming to her when she kept parading back and forth in front of Bill when he was homeless, starving and, living in a dumpster. Bill was very anemic at the time and had become delusional. He thought the cockatiel was a stray cat. He admits he never tasted cat that tasted so much like chicken.

Overall, Bill M. Oron has all of the qualities that most of our politicians have, particularly those that run for high office. One thing I can tell you about Bill is that he has never taken a bribe in his life. Of course he has never had anything anybody wanted. Even the local pawn shops have banned him from coming in since he always brings in the most worthless crap.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
In business news: I was forced by the prosecutor’s office to stop giving people tours of local quicksand bogs. It seems many people have come up missing during the tours. I told the prosecutor that they just disappeared. I said I finally got wise and started making sure that I was always paid in advance.

In other business news: I think that if you’re interested in what the stock market or real estate market are doing then you must be delusional. You’ve lost all your money already so you’re going to have to forget about retirement and go do something else for the rest of your life. The big box stores always have job openings for greeters and, if you happen to work at a store that sells appliances you can probably get a nice cardboard box to live in. If you happen to work at a store that sells cheap wine then, you will have a way to forget about how much dignity you lost because you were so stupid when you invested your money with Wall Street bankers.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Rotten Apple Core (TRAC) is on track to become the next professional association of athletes covered by Sirius Radio. Our championship game will be broadcast every Halloween from coast to coast and internationally for the next four years. We will be sponsored by Apple Cider Beer Brewers of South Africa which is the largest cider beer brewer in North America.

For those of you who are ignorant of the game known as “Rotten Apple” it is played just like dodge ball except you use rotten apples in place of your balls. Players try to knock off opposing team members by hitting them with a rotten apple. If you are hit by a rotten apple then you are out of the game.

This sport has caught on so much in popularity that there are leagues forming in Canada, Brazil, Russia and, China. In March of 2011 there is going to be an international conference to settle on some uniform rules for the game. I just hope they don’t sissy the game up by not letting you aim for an opponent’s eye with the apple stem. Wearing things like helmets and crotch protectors would also take away from the tough guy image associated with the game of “Rotten Apple”.

MICHIGAN NEWS
By Mike Colin
Younger Brother of the Editor
Well it’s getting pretty chilly up here in Northern Michigan. The local vampires are getting ready to fly to Cancun for the winter. Several local vampire bars have already closed for the season. Before all the vampires take off for Cancun they will be having a “Rave at the Grave” party on Halloween. The party lasts from dusk until dawn and everyone, mortal, immortal and, immoral should have a really good time. The band called Heavy Drinking Vampires is going to provide the entertainment. There is no admission price at the gate to get in however; a donation of about two pints of blood is advisable. If you don’t give at the gate they will probably insist that you make an even larger donation of blood latter on in the evening. If you are intending on making the larger donation then you should say goodbye to your family and friends before you go to the rave because the next time you see them you won’t look at them as your family and friends; you’ll look at them as your next meal.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
I will be so glad when all those old vampires take off to Cancun for the winter. They don’t know how to drive. They come up behind you with their expensive sports cars driving like a bat out of hell and then tailgate you like you’re supposed to drive over the speed limit so they can go faster. They even try to pass you when there is a double yellow line in the road. It is just like they don’t care if they get killed or not. These vampires also don’t seem to care if they kill anyone else.

Another thing I hate about vampires is that when they’re around you have to wear those heavy scarves laced with garlic powder every time you go out at night. If you forget to have garlic around your neck before you know it some vampire is right there trying to give you a hickey. I mean I don’t mind it so much when it’s a guy trying to bite my neck but, I am really not into chicks getting that familiar. And, of course up here in Michigan there must be ten female vampires for every guy vampire. Honestly, I just wish these vampires would just stay down in Cancun year around.