U.S. PAYING WAR REPARATIONS TO THE MEN OF THE MOON

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well our nation has finally capitulated to the demands for war reparations from the occupants who live beneath the lunar surface.  The twin spacecraft that entered lunar orbit last New Years Eve are not there to survey what lies beneath the moon but instead are there with valuable cargo which must be delivered to the moon creatures in order to keep them from destroying our planet.

As has been recorded in previous editions of this seldom published news magazine, the United States lost the initial war with the moon creatures.  Then President Obama ordered a nuclear strike at the lunar poles in order to measure the amount of water that flew up into the atmosphere.  In fact finding water at the poles was just a cover story for what was a thermal nuclear attack which failed miserably.  It seems the moon men have perfected the art of constructing force fields that can withstand anything theta our great military can throw at it.  It seems the scientists on the moon grew  up watching star trek and remembered the secret to constructing force fields that was reviled in episode six in during the forth season of the show.

Ironically, the fourth season was never shown here on earth because the show was cancelled in the third season however, the fourth season was beamed into outer space by project Betty using microwave technology.     Project Betty was the precursor program to Project Setti,  Project Betty tried to send messages regarding how powerful but enlightened the people of this planet are.  Project Setti has since that time been waiting for someone to send a signal back to us.  Of course there is great debate amongst scientists as to whether or not we should have used the Star Trek TV show to show beings on other worlds how we earth people behave and how advanced our spaceships are both in terms of speed and military capabilities.    Some scientists believe that pretending that our civilization is as advanced as the one on Star Trek is just about like lying to the whole universe.  These naysayer think that if aliens ever do stop by the earth they might think that we are nothing but a race of lying, deceitful creatures and the space aliens might just disintegrate our whole planet just for wasting their time.

There are other scientists who believe that pretending we are more advanced than we are to the galactic community is a good thing.  They point out that there are most likely a lot of hooligan species out there roaming around the galaxy looking to plunder worlds with unsophisticated technologies.  There maybe whole planets full of pirates out there just beboping around looking for trouble.   The problem with any type of advanced techno bullies is that we really have no defenses against beings with the ability to travel across solar systems let along galaxies and maybe across the whole universe.  While we try to master the finer points of the “Rock, Paper Scissors “ game our alien friends are playing games like “Projected Plasma Disintegrator, Encrypted Tachyons, Singularity Grenade.”
 
BUSINESS NEWS 2012
By Tim Colin
Editor
In the past few years the prices of homes, stocks, bonds, municipal bonds and, copper have crashed.  The fact is that most things that people invest in have lost most of their value.  In short, most people who worked and saved money all their lives are now just as broke as those who never held a steady job or saved a penny.  What’s worse is that those who worked and saved are now in need of expensive health care because by working so hard they have worn out their minds and bodies. While the hard working savings oriented people are lying in the cardiac ward the rest of us will be sipping fancy coffees and eating pizza pies and of course, living into our 80‘s or 90‘s.   So, to the millions of hard working savings minded  people all I have to say is “Suckers.”.  .

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
The lions.  Wait until next year. Literally, they might just be the team to beat in the Superbowl.  The only sport in Northern Michigan worth noting now is snowmobile stranding.  We locals love this sport.

What some of the locals up here do during snowmobile season is  figure out the nasty places where snowmobiles are likely to get stuck along designated snowmobile trails.  This spot could be a place with lots of outcropping rocks, or a lake or pond or maybe even a bog full of quicksand.  They then set up signs along these designated snowmobile routes that lead down state persons directly into our snowmobile traps.  Of course they just sit by the wayside waiting for someone to enter the trap and then demand lots of money to get said person and their machine out of said trap.

OUT DOORS NEWS NUTS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
It is sad to report that a large man from Livonia was prowling around in the woods here in Northern Michigan looking for wild pigs when he was attacked by a lizard creature.  This lizard creature is believed to be the one known as “Lizard Man” by the locals and has a voracious appetite for pork products.   This creature has reportedly attacked trailer parks and stolen bacon and stole a pig from a Haitian luau party.  He has even gone so far as to attack a truck filled with several hundreds of pounds of pork product.  He has even been known to snatch away pet pigs.

Sheriff Coffee of  Roscommon County  states that “ Although this ‘lizard man’ has taken off with live pigs, roasting pigs and, pork products such as bacon, this is the first time the creature has actually attacked a human being.”

When pressed upon as to why a human was attacked by the “lizard man” Sheriff Coffee referred the press to Under Sheriff Doughnut.  Under Sheriff Doughnut stated that the man who was attacked was very heavy set and was trying to lure in wild pigs by shouting “Oink” at 14 second intervals.  It seems the man has had good experience calling in wild pigs down in Livonia using such a call-in approach.

After getting all the information I could from  the authorities I decided to go ahead and track down this “Lizard Man” monster myself. I immediately found the man who was attacked at the closest tavern to the hospital that had treated him.  He was not seriously injured although the Lizard had taken a chunk of meat out of his belly.  Evidently the lizard was not Canadian otherwise he would have gone for the less fatty meat.

 I decided to follow-up on the information that Coffee and Doughnut had given me by  getting  the story directly from the victim. The victims name was Mr. Randy  Sydney Sow.  When I approached Mr.  Sow at the tavern I immediately noticed that he was naked from the waist up except for bandages over a large area of his belly.  I also noticed he smelled a lot like one of those 24 hour breakfasts joints.  The closer I got to him the more I noticed that he smelled just like the pancake place I had been to earlier that day.  Mr. Randy Sydney  Sow smelled just like freshly fired bacon.  So, after I introduced myself  I could not help but to  ask him why he smelled so much like bacon.

“Well the thing is I went to this tanning joint last night and I fell asleep.  I was in that tanning booth four hours before the lady who runs the joint came around and woke me up.  It did seem at the time that I smelled kind of funny but she thought I smelled really good.  I guess women are attracted to the smell of bacon.  I’ll remember that the next time I want my wife to be on the romantic side.  I’ll just burn my old skin up really good and that will make her love me.  I could have had a lot more girlfriends in high school and college if I only knew then that women don’t want a good looking guy, or a rich guy or even a smart guy.  The only thing a woman wants is a man who smells like breakfast.”

Of course I realized that the reason for the attack on Mr. Sow was  because he smelled like bacon.  I therefore ended my interview and am now just awaiting the next attack upon man or pork before I once again have to investigate  the “Lizard Man”.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A lot of people are getting ready for the world to end in 2012.   One reason people believe the world ends in 2012 is because the Ancient Mayans left a calendar for us in the modern day, in which the world ends on December 21st 2012.  Of course one problem with this end of the world theory is that no one today actually speaks ancient Mayan.  Where the Mayans use to live I believe people speak Spanish so how does anyone really know what the Mayan calendar actually predicts.  So, I decided to channel the ancient Mayan high priestess to see when exactly the world would end.

Now, the name of the high priestess of the Mayans is Charlene.  Her father who had been the high priest before her wanted a boy and had picked out the name Charlie for him.  Well, his child was a girl so Charlene was the name she got which is similar to Charlie.  She did tell me that everyone called her Charlie as her nickname.

“So Charlie, when is the world going to end?” I asked.

“Well you see Madam Misty,” she began, “The world is not going to end in 2012 as most people believe.  These modern eggheads at your universities have completely read the undo of the world date wrong.”

Charlie stopped for a moment and took a sip of the Mogen David wine I had given her.  I always offer visiting spooks Mogen David wine because after being dead they really appreciate a nice sweet wine that goes down easy.  After all, the dead are used to sucking down dirt which is really bitter so a sweet wine  gives them pleasure and makes them feel like they are still alive and of course the alcohol makes them talkative.  “In fact Madam Misty the professors at your universities have misread the date we have ensconced in stone as the day the world ends.  Your brainy people have interpreted the Mayan calendar to set the date of the end of the world as December 21, 2012.  In fact, the world ends on October 12, 2021.  It seems that smart people in your time suffer from the disease our doctors use to call dyslexia.”

“That’s very interesting,” I replied. “But, What causes the end of the world?” I asked.

“The end of the world is really sad, Madam Misty.  You see in the state of Michigan there will be this pig farmer named Johansen.  Now it seems that Johansen has always entered the pig contest at the fair every single year since he was a little boy.  Of course he never got the blue ribbon for having the biggest pig at the fair.  Well, by 2021 Johansen will have a boy of his own who is entering a pig at the fair in the pig with the most weight category.  Now Johansen is determined that his son should win the blue ribbon so he devises a scheme to make the boy’s pig become really huge. You see Johansen knows that only a third of what a pig eats turns into pork and the rest of the food goes out the back end.  So Johansen decides to cork the back end of the pig up really tight so that everything the pig eats goes into weighing up the pig for the fair.  Johansen then has truckloads of baked goods that bakeries and stores have thrown out trucked into his pig farm.  The pig then began to eat.   Well, over the course of months the pig gets bigger and, bigger and, bigger until he is as big as the state of Michigan.  Now Johansen figures his son is surely going to take home the blue ribbon and might even set a record for the being the worlds largest pig.  So Johansen sets about having trainloads of discarded backed goods hauled into his pig farm.  Then his pig got bigger and, bigger and bigger until the pig was as huge as all of Canada but still, Johansen wanted to make sure his son would win the blue ribbon so he contracted for giant containerships to deliver vast quantities of discarded backed goods from every bakery and store in the entire world.  Of course the pig then got bigger and bigger, and bigger until it was as big as all of North America.”

“So Johansen’s son must of won the blue ribbon at the state fair,” I said thinking that the story seemed to have a happy ending.  “He must have been quite the happy boy.  I bet his father was really proud as well.”

“Actually no, the boy did not win the state fair and no one knows what Johansson’s last thoughts were,” Charlie continued.  “For you see before the judges at the fair could check out the final weight of the Johansen mega pig there was an incident.  It seems that someone little 2 year old girl named Sandy was playing down in Tijuana which is where the backend of the monstrous pig was situated and little Sandy decided she would give a little tug on the cork.  Of course the cork had so much pressure behind it that just a slight tug was all it took for the pig to really open up.  Well, I don’t think I need to paint you a picture of the aftermath.  Needless to say the entire earth became uninhabitable for millions of years.  Every single species of beast and flora became extinct all over the earth.  Of course after millions of years the earth was colonized by alien farmers who found that this planet had the richest soil in the universe.”

“Oh that poor little girl,” I observed.            

“The little girl was actually  the only survivor of your species” responded Charlie .  “You see the initial blast out of the pigs backend was so great that the little girl was blasted off into outer space with a methane bubble protecting her from depressurizing in outer space.  At least she survived a few minutes until an alien space craft picked her up and took her away to another world where she was raised like a little princess.”  

Well, once the wine was gone the Mayan high priestess was gone as well. I guess that according to the Mynas we are going to have to wait a few more years until the world actually ends.    But, 2021 is really not that far off so maybe we should all start preparing for that now.  I’m going to start buying canned goods to store because I’m sure toward the end of days there will be a lot of chaos which leads to food shortages.  One thing though is that I wont have to worry about expiration dates on my canned goods being beyond the year 2021.  Already most of the canned goods I buy  are at the dollar store and the dates are in some kind of code and you have to call a 1-800 number to find out what date the code references.  I tried calling the 1-800 number once but, the person on the other end of the line spoke complete gibberish which I could not understand. I think they must of been a politician moonlighting as a real working person.. 

SPACE NEWS
By Gerrard
Writer
I just hope that in 2012  I can get abducted by aliens and taken to some exotic world full of great looking girls who are more interested in a guys mind then what he looks like.  I think that an intelligent guy like me could really settle down with a nice alien lady and maybe our kids would have super powers  or magic powers or at least have some animal like abilities like being able to run like cheetah or jump like a kangaroo you know, something like that.

Of course our kids would have my business that they could take over and run while I’m all vacationing with their beautiful alien mom.  I wonder if somewhere in the universe there is a place like Hawaii that I could take my alien sweetheart.  I think I’d go on a permanent vacation there and let the kids pay me dividends off my business.  My business is (in case you didn’t know) the raising and selling of rats to high schools and colleges.  I raise extremely intelligent rats that are used in psychological experiments.  NBC may even make a weekly reality/game show using my rats called “Am U Smart Are Then a Rat?”     I think the guy producing the show is some sort of southern redneck but hey, I don’t care.  Redneck money is still green.      I did hear that in the pilot show the rat won every round so the producers had to edit the show otherwise some in the human audience might take offence to seeing a rat always beating out a human in intelligence.

Myself, I know how smart rats are because they always beat me at checkers.  A couple of them tried to teach me how to play chess but I just can’t remember how all the pieces move especially those horses.  Do horses more two squares forward then slide to one side or slide one square diagonally forward then slide straight forward one square?  I don’t know.  I just can’t remember.    
   


.  

THE LEAKERS ON CAPITAL HILL

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
It has been reported that we have a government full of leakers. I confirmed that we have a lot of leakers in Congress by talking to a custodian at the Capital. Over the phone he told me that the custodial staff was constantly mopping and wiping up the messes that the congressmen leave behind. It seems that many of the elderly law makers have problems getting their diapers changed before they have s seepage problem. Of course the custodian I talked to said that the elderly legislatures have far fewer problems than the younger ones. It seems the younger ones often have drinking problems and get confused as to whether they are at their favorite bar/ brothel or trying to hit the shrubs under their hotel window. The custodial worker ended the conversation by saying that cleaning up after the leakers is hard on the capital staff but, it was still better than the poor guy that has to shine their shoes.



BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
My pay toilets in the woods business has gone bust. It seems I did not understand that people have no problem relieving themselves in our great outdoors for free. All I can say is that if you go into a woods that has no pay toilets that you had better watch your step.

It is now illegal in many states to sell coffee mixed with beer in stores. It seems coffee and beer mixed makes some people very sick. I guess that’s why people throw up when you give them coffee to sober them up. I do wonder how people drink Irish Coffee. Maybe whiskey is more calming to the stomach than beer. Maybe the states just need to raise the requirement of the alcohol content of the coffee/beer drink and that would make people feel better.

OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This is a great time of the year to set snares. I’ve been setting snares since I was five years old. I’ve never snared anything but, this year is going to be different. In the past I’ve always set snares for small animals like squirrels and my brother’s guinea pig. I decided maybe a larger beast might be easier to snare. So, I decided to go over to my Cousin Lester’s house. My cousin can’t find a job and still lives with his parents on a farm. Lester is only 12 years old but he already has a pet buffalo named Sandy. The buffalo stays mostly in a coral next to the chicken coup.

I decided to try snaring Sandy with some hard to see mono-filament 10 lb. test fish line. I set out a snare and by gosh sandy was snared for a couple of seconds. Sandy easily broke the line but, I had confidence that I could now snare an animal. I next got some laundry line cord and set a snare. I tied cord to the chicken coup support and set the snare down directly in front of Sandy. Sandy walked right into the trap and sure enough she was snared. Unfortunately Sandy did not stop walking when the line was tight and Sandy ended up pulling loose the chicken coup support and down went the chicken coup with chickens and hay flying all over the place. My aunt and uncle did not ask me to stay for supper that day. In fact, they didn’t say anything to me at all. They acted like they were real mad about something.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
The Twicks and Tweed Trout Ice Trip Triple Triumph is an ice fishing festival held each year on Nicky Lake. It is sponsored by Twicks and Tweed Tracking and Tackle Inc. It is held starting at midnight on the last weekend in November and this last weekend I had a great time there.

I showed up at just about midnight last Friday night and watched as about 300 anglers and snowmobilers started to make their way out onto the lake. At first glance I thought that the lake was still open with no ice at all on it. An old timer told me that there was open water but just a few inches below the water’s surface ice had formed. I didn’t want to get my feet wet so I just hung back as the rest of the people started to move off shore. Soon, I noticed that everyone that went out on the lake was swimming and struggling to get back to shore. It occurred to me that maybe that ice was a lot further down below the water’s surface than what the old timer had thought.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
No, I am not related to the big shot lady over there in Germany. My family came from Kalamazoo Michigan. As far as I know my family always lived in Kalamazoo. My ancestors were going to Kalamazoo high school long before Einstein ever invented Germany.

Even though I am a Kalamazoovian and not a German, I do like to go to the festivals in Hankermuth every year. They always have a lot of polka bands so it’s a great time to literally kick up your heels. They have great food in Hankermuth too. I also like the Polish festival they have each year way up in Raydar Michigan. I have a great time there too. One of my former husbands I found there at the Polish festival. Unfortunately, I found him with another woman.

The stock market should go up a little bit next month. If gold keeps going up I’m going to be pulling my back teeth out. After all, its better I get the money than some undertaker. I found out about undertakers stealing teeth from a lot of upset spirits that have been visiting my dreams lately to tell me about their stolen teeth. Evidently, gold teeth are like a get out of hell free card after you die. According to my sources heaven really needs money. Heavens been running deficit budgets for years and they need the gold to pay off their debt to the Chinese. They just don’t make anything in heaven anymore. Even the production of their harps and fancy gowns are outsourced to a company in Indonesia. To top it all off Heaven bought several quadrillion dollars of Mortgage Backed Securities from the U.S. Treasury.

I hate it when dead accountants show up in my dreams and burden my brain with all that financial stuff. I have trouble figuring out how to pay the lot rent where my trailer sits let alone being worried about the fancy finance of rich people, living or dead.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
‘Ts the season,” for lots of movies. I just wish they’d let me bring my own pop and pop corn to the cinema. I could watch two movies for the price of the dog gone pop and pop corn. One thing I do like about theatre popcorn is the extra butter option. Butter is one of those things you just can’t get enough of in life. A lot of times that hot butter poured over the popcorn are the only reason to finish watching some of those really crummy movies. All those romance movies have the women all crying into their hankies while the guys are stuffing their face with popcorn and every guy is just wishing the movie would end. Popcorn is a guy’s comfort food when the movie is making him feel really uncomfortable.

The new “Tron” movie is really good but, it kind of brings back some bad memories from my childhood. You see my father was absorbed into the Internet and has never returned. My mom told me the story of how my dad disappeared back when I was still in grade school.

The story begins with Al Gore and his invention of the Internet. At that time Al Gore was just a Senator so he had lot’s extra time to spend as a mad scientist working in the field of astrophysics. Al Gore was the person given credit by historians as the person who created the Internet but, it was really my father who made the ultimate sacrifice so that billions of people could communicate and be entertained with just the click of a button.

Before my father made his sacrifice communication via a very crude Internet connection was difficult and nasty. Al Gore used his vast knowledge of the space/time continuum along with his psychic abilities to predict weather patterns to construct a parallel universe to this one. This parallel universe is still used for the transmission and reception of all signals over the Internet. Fiber optic cable and other transmission lines are really just a rouse perpetrated by the government and technology companies so that people make payments to be hooked up to the Internet when in fact every cable guy knows that the Internet is not a system of cables and routers but is in fact a separate universe from our own to which any computer can be connected without any type of signal enhancer or cable. In order to connect to this other universe and hence the Internet all the cable guy does is press down “Alt” on the keyboard and triple click the mouse at the same time.

Al Gore found that in order to setup the Internet he needed to have a hook-up done in the alternate universe. My father at the time was a TV repairman and he really bought into the idea of an Internet that could stream football games anywhere anytime. When a note was put up in the break room where my dad worked asking for a volunteer to travel into an alternate universe and hook up the Internet my dad did not hesitate to volunteer. He was the only volunteer so he was chosen to go.

I almost remember the day he said goodbye. My mom told me that whatever happened that he would always be out there. My mom was later told by a government guy that my dad disappeared into the Internet but, never came back. It seems that my dad was tuned into trillions of photons and sent into the alternate universe to make the hook-up to this one. It was estimated that after one hour my dad should have the job done. At that time the “Alt” key was to be held down and the mouse was supposed to be clicked three times. Well, everything went as planned. My dad vanished into the Internet and after an hour a computer geek was ready to extract my father from the alternate universe. The geek pressed down the “Alt” key but, because he had been drinking coffee lattés all day the geek was jittery and did about fifty clicks instead of three. Well, my dad was gone and no one was able to find him again. They told my mom that my dad most likely disappeared into the trillions of bits of information sent over the great Internet.

I still think my dad might come back. Sometimes I go down into the basement and do an “Alt” triple click on my keyboard.  I just wish I could afford to hook up to the internet.

HUMOR NEWS NUTS EDITOR ON THE RUN FOR LEAKING

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
I am afraid I must confirm that my brother Mike Eugene Colin is a fugitive being sought for publishing here on this blog details regarding our secret war with the moon monsters known as the Great Leap. It seems the war went very badly for our government. We even nuked the moon’s North Pole to try to destroy our adversary. You may recall the so called bombing of the moon to try to find water that our government carried out a while back. Shortly thereafter it was announced that Americans would be banned from ever returning to the moon because of the expense. In fact, aliens from outside our solar system intervened in the war and convinced us that we could still look at the moon but, we must never go back there or else…

There is now an international manhunt for my brother and I don’t know exactly where he is located. I know that he is staying with our cousin Bubba Boy who lives at 20127776661313 (this is a rural Michigan address), Monroe Rd. in Freeland Michigan. I am just not sure whether my brother is staying in an upstairs bedroom or if he has to sleep in the basement.

Now if I were asked to give advice to the Swat team that was going into my cousin’s house I would advise them to just take a blow torch and burn the whole thing down. It‘s over 100 years old and should go up like a match. It has 100 year old wiring so it is going to burn down anyway and this would give the government a way to deny burning up the suspect. Just blame the fire on bad wiring.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Gerrard
I was asked to write this column while Tim is being hunted down for being a traitor and letting out information about our secret war with the moon men. I knew Tim’s big mouth would get him in trouble one of these days. I knew when we published information about the war with the moon things there would be heck to pay. After all, this was the only blog site in the world that was covering that war. Even after we covered it, no one on the planet picked up on it. Of course no one on this planet reads this blog but, evidently we are widely read throughout the rest of the universe. When Washington got the call that a galaxy class star destroyer was on its way here to vaporize our planet then it did not take them long to go after our esteemed editor Mr. Tim Colin.

Well, I wish my boss Tim luck but, if he gets gunned down by international authorities in Moscow or some where else that’s cool, I really like his desk which I am sitting at right now. He had a pretty nice looking chair but I’ve gained a little weight this summer so the chair might need a little reassembly work.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim usually writes this column but, he might be riddled by bullet holes by the time this is published. It kind of serves him right because he doesn’t believe that my girlfriend is a vampire. He says she is just some crazy girl that likes to drink blood to impress her friends. He does not understand how much I miss her and hope that she comes back to Traverse City one of these days. I sometimes spend the day downtown watching college girls playing volleyball. This really helps to take my mind off of my girlfriend.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
My psychic powers have been completely screwed up lately. My abilities to communicate with the dead are really messed up. I tried to contact my aunt Maud and got my ex-husband Hot Rod Todd. Hot Rod liked his cars and women to be fast but, he did not like to find a job too fast so our relationship did not last.

Old Hot Rod is really hot these days since he ended up in a place where the sun don’t ever shine but, it’s a great place for a cook out if you like a little volcanic lava to wash down your brats made out of sulfur. O course his breath always smelled like sulfur anyway and all those breath mints he ate to cover up his breath gave him diabetes. He literally ate himself into the grave trying to keep his breath from stinking.

In addition to my abilities to contact the dead being messed up, my ability to predict the future is also giving me problems. A couple of days ago I made the prediction to various ladies in the trailer park that Oprah would be preempted and would be shown an hour later than normal. Boy did I get that one wrong. All the ladies in the park got really mad at me. So many of them started to doubt my psychic abilities that I had to run a two for one special on palm readings. If business gets much worse I might have o run a 10 for $10 special. Maybe I should print up some dollar-off coupons instead. After all, dollar-off coupons work for pizza joints. Who knows? Maybe with advertising I could franchise and roll out my psychic joints all across America.
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORT
By Gerrard
Nothing really to report on this summer. Hollywood is busy releasing a lot of chick flicks and teeny bopper love stories and not much in the way of guy movies. We want to see more movies like Star Trek or Aliens.  I would not even mind seeing a good Western or a really violent mobster film. Where have all the good movies gone? Hopefully they’ve gone to the fall of 2010 and we won’t have to wait long for their release.

OUT OF DOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
I don’t have time for this column this month. The summer coed volleyball championship games are about to start down at the beach so, I AM OUT OF HERE!

SPECIAL NOTE FROM HOUSELAND SECURITY
FROM THE OFFICE OF BANICLE "BARNY" BILL HEAD OF HOUSELAND Ltd.
We are currently pursuing the editor of this so called news blog for his reckless disregard for this nations most highly sensitive secrets regarding our world actually being run by outer space aliens.  If the news got out that we are ruled by off world monsters with nose hairs that can stangle you while your body is disolved by flesh eaying snot then, many earth people might think about revolting against our benevolent slave masters.  They also have claws for genitalia but, I don't think we should go there unless we are into pain.  A revolt could upset the whole order of things on this planet and since I report directly to the aliens I'm afraid my nine figure government salary would take a big cut.

I do not intend on taking a pay cut so if we have to we will shoot the editor of this publication before he has a chance to surrender.    Currently, we have the best minds in the world gathering information which will tell us the whereabouts of this treasonous editor.  So, if you have any information please send it to our office in Mumbai India.  We outsourced our intelligence analitics department to a company in Mumbai.  They are really cheap because they pay their best people just a few pennies a day to go over our most important  and sensitive national secrets.  I'm saving so much money that U. S. taxpayers might have to give me a ten figure income next year.

EDITORIAL



By Tim Colin
The Men in Dark Suits (MIDS) raided our offices on Friday  and effectively shut us down. They said they were from the zoning board but, we know the truth. It seems we have been getting too close to the truth about our governments cover up of alien encounters. Our government and its masters in outer space, deem the Humor News Nuts organization to be enemy number one. They seek to silence our point of view so that space aliens can continue to wipe out our culture, our capitalist way of life and finally, our species.

Although things look very dim for humanity, we at our great and historic publication will not go down without a fight. Since January 2009, Humor News Nuts has been exposing all sorts of government cover-up shenanigans Most of the stories we cover you will not find anywhere else in print or online. FOX, CNN, CSPAN etc., all refuse to air anything we have to say about the outer space conspiracies and the evil Men in Dark Suits who wickedly trespass across our constitutional rights.

We of course cannot fight this fight alone. We are dependent upon our readers to join in combat against the space aliens and their Men in Dark Suits stooges. The first thing everyone needs to do is to buy aluminum foil and construct a helmet. Wear this helmet everywhere you go It will keep your mind free of government brain washing and it will send a chilling message to the space aliens that we humans have not all surrendered to their will. Wearing aluminum foil hats begins today, the 9th of November. Future generations of freedom lovers will one day say “Remember, Remember the 9th of November, the aluminum foil treason and plot.”

Note: In full disclosure, I’ve been buying up stock in Indian aluminum foil companies all week in anticipation of this editorial. No wonder people who write for Wall Street publications are all so rich. Buying up stock in something and then recommending it in a publication seems like a great way to get really rich. Who says everyone on Wall Street is a crook? It would be really nice if the companies you recommend also kicked in a trip to the Bahamas or some other nice place.

CENTRAL MICHIGAN FOOTBALL IS NUMBER ONE SCHOOL IN THE MAC

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well so far, after our preemptive attack upon the moon men last Friday, we have not suffered any apparent counter attack. It is unclear whether or not the moon facility that was allegedly creating an anti-matter weapon was destroyed. This is the only publication that seems to be reporting this story. All others have been repeating the government cover story that the explosions were supposed to churn up measurable amounts of water at the north pole of the moon. Of course this is rubbish. Our government has said that America will not be returning to the moon any time soon. So why would we be measuring for water when we are not going back there?

I decided to contact our scientific advisor to get his thoughts on the recent attack. Dr. Alyar is the best scientist I know and the only one that actually received government money to study ancient alien brain cells that have been fossilized into petoskey stones. The Doctor was difficult to contact since he is currently in prison for fraud and income tax evasion.

Once contacted, the doctor was quick to volunteer information for ten dollars. I offered to send him five bucks and he agreed to give me his scientific opinion regarding a possible retaliation by the moon creatures. The doctor said that “the moon creatures may not attack the earth by using conventional weapons. Instead they may use a negative mind-meld with the people of America which will cause them severe psychological problems. Americans may become paranoid schizophrenics who are so gullible that they will believe almost any crackpot idea on TV or the Internet.”

So there you have it. We have been attacked on a psychic level. That’s why we are so gullible that we believe the attack on the lunar pole was a scientific experiment instead of a preemptive strike against a superior race of beings, which are refining anti-matter to create a death star. 

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market roared to record yearly highs this week as the DJIA surpassed 10,000. It seems that the lack of a counter attack by the Giant Leap (moon creatures) served to bolster economic confidence. “This was like a celebration after defeating the Nazis in World War Two,” one investor noted.

One possible indication that not everyone is satisfied that the moon people will not anhilate us are those bidding up the price of gold this week. It is hard to understand what good gold will do you after your planet has been blown to bits by a death star.

In other business news, the health care debate goes on and on and on. Many people are literally getting sick of hearing about the debate. Don’t the people in Congress work with any kind of deadline. Maybe they just want to prolong our agony by their attempts at public debate. Based upon their skills at thinking on their feet, I think that Congressmen should submit all their answers to today’s most pressing problems in writing and in the form of a question. Then, let the judges on the game show “Jeopardy” decide if the Congressmen are right or wrong. Maybe the “Jeopardy” music during the final round would speed up some of the Congressional Membership.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 1 win and four losses. On Sunday Detroit will play at Green Bay. In Michigan you can’t buy beer until noon on Sunday so I don’t think I’ll be ready to watch the Lions play at one o’clock. I won’t say anymore. Good Luck Lions and good luck to the fans.

In Michigan college football: Michigan has a total of 4 wins and two losses, Michigan State has 3 wins and 3 losses and Little Central Michigan has 5 wins and one loss. CMU leads the MAC conference with a total of 5 wins and 1 loss. On Saturday CMU faces Western Michigan University. This is usually a really good game each year. CMU and Western are like cross town rivals in Michigan. After their win over Michigan State I will be betting on the Chips but, I’m not counting out a really tough football school like Western Michigan. Also, I’m picking Notre Damn over USC this weekend only because the Fighting Irish are in the Mid-West.

LOCAL NEWS
By Mike Colin
Well, we did not have much of a fall color season. The leaves turned brown and fell off the trees. It’s been dismal, cold and rainy up North. There were a few sightings of the Frankenmoose over the last couple of weeks. Several area towns have been celebrating Oktoberfest on the weekends. It seems at every Oktoberfest where there is a beer tent there are witnesses that say they saw the Frankenmoose. Now the Frankenmoose does love beer and bratwurst but, he is supposed to be incarcerated at area 91 which lies beneath the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. Maybe the Frankenmoose has escaped area 91 and the Men in Black? If he has he had better watch out because deer rifle season starts pretty soon.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
I’ve been busy polishing up Petoskey stones and selling them online. I don’t intend on becoming the next online millionaire but, between selling stuff online and my psychic readings, I’m finally working my way through this recession. I just need to find some cheap help to polish more stones up.
I’m predicting snow next week. I know it’s early but the spirits never lie. Well, my dead relatives lie to me all the time so I try not to dial them up. They call me. I never try to contact them. They mostly nag. My aunt Rose hates my hair. My aunt Violet keeps telling me I drink too much and my aunt Pansy told me my first husband didn’t like women. I know that. That’s why I dumped him.

So kids, don’t be so fast about wanting to talk to dead people. I know it’s real popular right now but, you don’t know who might show up. Even worse, around Halloween you don’t know what might show up.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Wow, wouldn’t it be cool to be a little kid and take off in a weather balloon built by your crazy old man. Especially one built out of tin foil and shaped like a flying saucer. That story was so cool and I felt sorry for the kid when I found out he really wasn’t in the balloon. I’d take a ride in that balloon in a minute if I ever got the chance. Of course it might take a little more helium in it to lift me off the ground.
I tried to take a helicopter ride this summer. I had the ticket and everything. I showed up bright and early that day for my trip over Grand Traverse Bay. The pilot, who also owned the helicopter, took one look at me and refunded my money. He told me I needed to charter a military transport helicopter in order to get off the ground. I think he was referring to my weight. I don’t know why I’m so big. I don’t eat nearly as much as my mom and yet we’re both about the same size.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Sherri and Carrie
Sherri: I went to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” It was not what I expected. It’s a kid’s movie. I thought it was some sort of fraternity/sorority crazy vampire flick. Boy was I wrong.

Carrie: And I bet a lot of guys will feel kind of stupid if they take their date to a kids flick. Unless of course the guy is under 12 years old.

Sherri: Most guys are mentally under 12 years old. I still like “Zombieland”. That’s a fun flick.

Carrie: “Zombieland” is about the only recent movie out there right now that is kind of a halloweenie flick.

Sherri: Yeah, only two more weeks and it’s Halloween and not much for new halloweenie flicks coming out. The Halloweener people in Hollywood must be on strike this year.

Carrie: Maybe fewer halloweenie movies will mean there will be more Halloween parties. A party is always better than a movie.

Sherri: Unless of course it’s a Star Trek movie.

Carrie: You got that right sister.

THE CLONES FROM BRAZIL

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well it seems Governor Sarah Palin has said that President Obama should have his place of birth looked into. President Obama was born in Hawaii which is of course owned by the Japanese. We traded Hawaii to the Japanese in exchange for Disneyland. But, Governor Palin admits to being from Alaska which is a part of Canada. All you have to do is look on any map and you can see Alaska is connected to Canada and not the United States. I believe we traded Alaska for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. All the people up there speak Canadian English and call themselves “Yooppers” which is the old Viking word for Canadians.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
What about that Tiger Woods? He’s married and still has all those girlfriends. I’m single and I can’t even get a girl to go to a movie with me or to buy my drinks at the bar. I guess there’s no sport in it for women to date a poor guy who is single. Of course I wouldn’t be poor if I could find a way to get Tiger Woods to call me son and let me call him daddy. The problem is that Tiger is about 30 years old and I’m 25 years old and the math just doesn’t work out. Unless, Tiger was caught in some alien space/time vortex and went back in time like that guy in the first Terminator movie. I think I’ll continue to explore this time travel scenario. I’ll do some more research by watching the SyFy channel.

Oh well, I don’t think golf is a real manly sport anyway. A really manly sport would be something like lawn jarts or smear the deer. I’ve gone to the emergency room many times after playing lawn jarts with my brothers. My brother Mike still holds the record for the most blood lost during a lawn jarts tournament.

Besides lawn jarts, smear the deer is a really manly game played by guys like me in Northern Michigan. The game is a little like regular football in that you use a football to play with. The way the game is played is that a football is thrown into the air and a guy catches it and runs like a deer while about 30 guys chase him down and slam the runners’ body into the ground. It is always best not to be running on pavement or concrete when you are caught. Usually, only the skinny geeky guys do all running while the huskier guys like me do the chasing and the body slamming. The skinny geeky guys have good jobs like accountants or engineers so they have pretty good dental insurance.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
There was positive news this week on the labor front. It seems that unemployment rate is finally going down. It seems a lot of retailers are hiring again. Down at the U Steel We Fence Pawn Shop I was told that they took on two more employees and would be open 24 hours a day until Christmas. I was also told that because of all the foreclosures people were bringing in a lot of kitchen cabinets, bathroom fixtures and, copper pipe to pawn. It seems that a lot of people take mementos from the houses they loose to the banks but, decide later that they don’t want to transport all that stuff to another state of country.

Many people have been buying up gold as a hedge against the weakening U.S. dollar. I on the other hand, have been hiding dollar off pizza coupons under my mattress. What’s great about the pizza coupons versus gold is that gold costs a lot of money to purchase and I get the pizza coupons for free. I just go across the street to the local pizza joint and pick up a couple thousand of their flyers at a time. Each flyers has like four dollar-off coupons in it s each trip to the pizza joint is worth like $8,000 in coupons. I feel like I’m raiding Fort Knox.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
I predict there will be a lot of snow before the end of the year. It will be great for people who ski and snow board. It won’t be so great for people like me who live in trailers with flat roofs. I’ll have to get out my ladder and try to keep the snow cleared off or I’ll be sleeping one night and wake up with a pile of snow on my face. In addition to my fear of a cave-in, I live in such a cheap trailer park that I don’t have a place to park my car and keep it out of the snow. I’ll have to clear a foot of snow off my vehicle every time I want to go out. Sometimes being a psychic and seeing what will happen in the future to your car and trailer when it snows is a real pain in the crystal balls. That’s right I have two of them. That way if one ball gives me a particular prediction I can check the prediction out by gazing into my other crystal ball.

TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
A former Nazis scientist guy, who is living in Brazil, has come up with a way to get rid of hunger. It seems this genetic scientist and expert on human cloning, has developed a way to get stem cells to reprogram the DNA in a human stomach so that crops can be grown. The first experiment allowed a human to grow an apple in his stomach. Another experiment had a human grow an ear of corn. It seems that the human stomach lining can be programmed to grow almost any type of fruit, vegetable or possibly even meat, fish and dairy products. Unfortunately, the experiments had to be shut down by authorities when it was found out that the scientist really only wanted to grow billions of little baby boys with funny little mustaches. The scientist claimed that he was only trying to create some boys from Brazil in order to form the next hit Latin boy band.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
How about those party crashers at the White House? Wasn’t that babe really hot? She can crash any party I have anytime as long as she leaves her husband at home to watch the kids or something.

Well the vampire movies are still doing well. I want to get the latest Star Trek movie on Blue Ray. I hope Seven of Nine is in this one. The last Star Trek show on TV should have brought back Seven of Nine instead of Data. If Seven of Nine would have been on that show it would still be on TV today. I think all guys would like to date a cyber woman. I know I would. I’ve already dated a female vampire, a Goth girl and a witch. I must be ready for a technology upgrade by now. I just hope that all the Borg ladies are equipped with Windows 7 by now. Of course with my luck my new Borg girlfriend would be programmed with Windows Vista. Of course if she had Apple technology my girlfriend could maybe double as an Iphone and an Ipod. Maybe I could hook her up to satellite or cable. That way I could bundle.

LOU DOBBS HAS BEEN DON IMUSED OFF THE AIR

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
LOU DOBBS IS IMUSED
A tragedy befell the cable news industry this week. It seems Lou Dobbs will no longer be anchoring The Lou Dobbs Show on CNN. CNN immediately tried to get Al Franken to reprise his role as news commentator/entertainer but, he has already committed to a six year contract in the Senate. In other words Senator Franken wants to perfect his comedic talents by attending clown school.

The real tragedy of the untimely demise of the Lou Dobbs organization is that now I will have to find someone else to steal material from. Whenever Lou would start complaining about aliens I would just take his material and put the word “space” in front of alien. That would better fit the venue of this organization. Now you will never again hear complaints from me about “undocumented” space “aliens”. I tried this week to use the material of Glenn Beck on Fox but, after listening to Mr. Beck I believe he is a space alien or something. He really gets into his material and his eyes get really wild like Marty Feldman’s’ eyes in “Young Frankenstein”. I just hope he doesn’t operate with an “Abbey Normal” brain.

BUSINESS NEWS
THE GOVENOR PALIN INTERVIEW
By Tim Colin
Sarah Palin is set to make big bucks with her new book “Going Rouge”. This week she kicked off her book tour in Grand Rapids Michigan where millions of supporters and reporters gathered for the event. Since I am editor of “Humor News Nuts” I decided to send myself to Grand Rapids to see if I could get an interview with the former Governor of Alaska.

The day before Sarah Palin was to appear; I drove down to Grand Rapids and checked into a hotel. The problem with Grand Rapids is that it is a Dutch community and the Dutch like to build windmills all over the place including in the middle of the freeway. I was driving along at 90 mph when suddenly I slammed into a windmill that was in the middle of the highway. Then, I woke up in my hotel room and it was light outside. The only thing I remembered from the night before is that I went to the hotel lounge and drank something called “the crooked windmill”. I remember someone at the bar telling me that after the first “crooked windmill” the room would spin around. Then, after the second drink you would not be able to stand up straight. Finally, after the third drink the night would be all over.

Well, I never made it to the Sarah Palin book signing and consequently I never got my interview with the famous candidate. However, the trip was not a total waste of time and money. I did get my Christmas shopping done and I didn’t even have to leave the hotel. I picked up a bible for my mom and some nice towels for my dad. My brother Ted is going to get some really nice little soaps while, my brother Mike needs a new toothbrush and toothpaste really bad so, I picked up a brush and a small tube of paste for him. I also picked up a small bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner in case I get a girlfriend between now and Christmas and have to get her a gift.

SPROTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 2 wins and 8 losses. The Detroit Pistons have 5 wins and 9 losses. The Detroit Red Wings have 11 wins and 6 losses. With all this dismal news it is great the Central Michigan University, a MAC school, has 9 wins and 2 losses overall which is the best of any football team in the conference. Well, in a state with nearly 20% unemployment you have to find some good news to look forward to reading in the sports pages. Other than for the comics, the sports section is the only reason to even read a newspaper.

If I didn’t have sports and comics to read I’d never bother picking the newspaper up off the bathroom floor in the morning when I eat at the local Burger King. Some guy that uses the first stall everyday always leaves his paper behind for other customers to read. Sometimes he leaves part of his sandwich or hash brown behind rolled up in the newspaper. On those days I get my breakfast for free. There are humanitarians in this world.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, that new vampire movie “New Moon” is going to be a big hit. It’s a real romantic movie and all the women I know want to see it. It seem that women now days don’t want a normal guy with a good job. Instead, they want some good looking bloodsucker. I’ve been married to bloodsuckers before and that’s one of the reasons I’m living in a red neck trailer park today instead of a nice two story in a middleclass subdivision.

My parents wanted me to marry this skinny accountant guy but oh no, I had to marry the guy with tattoos all over his big biceps. After five years of marriage and a thousand cases of PBR beer, his biceps fell down into his belly. I got tired of people asking me when my husband was expecting so, I dumped him.

THE MICHIGAN OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.

I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but; my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.

Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.

NAKED LOG ROLLS IN MICHIGAN

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
It seems that the nation’s media has once again turned its attention to the Michigan Militia movement. Unfortunately, a more important civil liberties group in Michigan constantly gets the shaft when it comes to coverage by the press. I am of course referring to the Michigan Naked Log Rolling Society. Naked log roller people feel that it is their constitutional right to jump on any log they see and try to roll it while naked.

Naked log rolling has been a tradition in Michigan ever since some fort was attacked by French and Native American warriors in the wee hours of the morning back in the 1740's . The British soldiers did not have time to dress as they fled out of their fort and ran across a river full of logs. The fort was burned but, all the naked British soldiers escaped

So, if you wish to show true patriotism, the next time you see a naked person trying to roll a log just toot your horn in support as you drive by. The more exposure the log rollers get the more chance there is for a constitutional amendment allowing the rolling of logs by naked people in Michigan. As a bonus it might be good for Michigan’s economy because a lot of people from Canada will come down just to see the naked log rollers. After all, no one in Canada has ever seen anyone naked before.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market is up about 4% this year. Overall, the local economy seems to be getting better. In the part of town that I live in we have a Pizza based economy. Almost every business sells both slices of pizza to walk-in customers and take-out pizza pies to people who order online (or via the telephone if you’re over 60). It doesn’t matter if your main business is a restaurant or toe nail fungus removal; you most likely have some kid out back slopping some kind of pizza together. The barbershop on this block had a slight problem with the health department but, that has been cleared up. After all, hair removal is what a barber shop does best whether it is off someone’s head or off a pizza.

Although the pizza business appears to be booming in my corner of town, we do seem to have a real burgeoning problem with inflation. There have been some demonstrations in this area over the last several weeks. The demonstrators believe that there are just too many pizza coupons being created and that someday their children will have to make up the difference of the coupons face amount. A Harvard professor of economics has commented that if something is not done soon about the amount of coupons circulating around East Bay Traverse City then, we will see the greatest economic collapses since “Lavern and Shirley” were cancelled. Personally, I have two comments regarding the Harvard professor’s dire prediction: First, who the heck are “Lavern and Shirley”? Secondly, I don’t care what happens in the future as long as I get a good deal today by using my pizza coupons.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Put, Put Gulf season is upon us and many courses have already opened for the long weekend. The Pirate Pete course has some new twists and turns in it so bring some extra cash. It is going to take you a while to master all the nuances of this course. (Hint: Sometimes the windmill will suddenly reverse itself and go counterclockwise. This will shake up even the most seasoned champion.)

This warm weather is really driving the steel-head up the rivers and many people have been limiting out on bluegills. Those of you who still have ice shanties out on the lakes are going to have to rent some scuba gear to retrieve them. Hopefully, none of you left grandpa fishing out there in your ice shanty when the ice went out. My grandma still won’t speak to my dad although; grandpa did go down doing what he liked best: drinking beer and sleeping.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I predict that the hot spell is going to continue here in Northern Michigan right up until fall. It’s only April and most of the Easter Bunnies I’m seeing around here have mange. My friend Sarah says it is so dry that her well has dried up. I don’t really believe her. She has a shallow well and about 50 cats running around her place and at least one of them is constantly replenishing her ground water. Maybe if she kept more of them outside they’d replenish the water in the ground instead of on her love seat cushions. Her love seat was white when she bought it brand new. Now it is a really dark shade of yellow. I think that’s because she gives her cat’s coffee to drink.

It’s so hot out that my two twin sisters, Christie and Twisty, decided they would drive up here and maybe go to the beach. The problem is that Christie has one of those foreign cars that do not have brakes so you can’t slow down until you run out of gas. Of course they could not slow down enough on I-75 to make the turnoff to come here and proceeded all the way up north until they finally ran out of gas in Canada. I can’t figure out how they managed to pay the fees at the toll bridges without at least slowing down. Anyway, they can’t get back into this country because they don’t have passports. Worse yet, the Canadian government wants to deport them to Jordan because they are in Canada illegally. I guess I’ll bake them some cookies and send them a care package in Jordan. On the bright side, maybe one of my sisters will meet a rich oil man in the Middle East. Then, at least someone in my family will have some money. Maybe they’ll be able to afford a car that has brakes.

EXPLODING UNDERWEAR? ARE TERRORIST WATCHING GET SMART RERUNS?

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Assistant Editor
Blowing up yourself along with a bunch of innocent people gets attention but, it is incredibly stupid, let alone evil. This last attack proves the idiocy of terrorists. Who would believe that someone would try to take down an airplane by wearing exploding underwear? Instead of watching James Bond movies for training films the terrorists must be watching “Get Smart” reruns. I wonder if the terrorist guy had a shoe phone. It has been reported that the flight attendant asked the terrorist if he was having a problem. The terrorist said no and then his britches started to smoke. The Attendant then said “Liar, Liar pants on fire…” You are supposed to burn bridges behind you, not your britches. For a terrorist this guy from Yemen turned out to be a lemon. A government spokesman reported that the terrorist was so scared when his pants blew up that explosives were not the only thing that was found in the guys underwear.

This terrorist nut came from a rich banking family. His old man had homes all over the world. Instead of blowing up a bunch of innocent people he could have just had his old man buy him a seat in the Senate. That’s where the children of super rich people do real economic damage to the whole country.

By Tim Colin
Editor
Cash for clunkers has helped Ford Motor out quite a bit. On the other hand, GM looks like they will need more bailout money from Washington. If you go out on the road you would think GM was selling a lot of cars because everywhere you look someone is either shoving or having a GM vehicle towed. The local GM dealership has a lot full of vehicles waiting to be worked on by mechanics. When I looked for a car there I got frustrated because there were more cars waiting to be fixed on the lot then there were cars available for sale.

I realize that as an American I am part owner of Gm but, I’m not counting on my GM stock portfolio to be a major part of my retirement. As an owner I’m going to write myself a nasty letter complaining about how stupid I must be to let my company be run into the ground. After all, if a business isn’t run well it’s ultimately the fault of the owner.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
CMU beat Troy at the GMAC bowl with a final basketball type score of 44 to 41. Central Michigan University ended the season with a 12-2 record. Great job chips.

In other sports news: The Detroit Red Wings hockey team is number 3 in their division while, the Detroit Pistons basketball team has 11 wins and 23 loses. All I have to say is “Great Job Chips!”

THE WEATHER UP HERE
By Mike Colin
Building Maintenance
If you live in Northern Michigan you will freeze your icicles off next week. We get warm air from the South and Cold air from the North and for the next few weeks the South will be on vacation. Personally, I think they’re just getting us back for that civil war thing.

I’m getting really sick of the grader guy plowing in my driveway as soon as I’ve shoveled it out. The guy must wait around the corner to see when I’ve shoveled the last heavy shovel full of show to the side of my driveway and then collapsed. When he sees I’m having a coronary he comes along and dumps large hunks of ice across the end of my driveway and buries my corpse. He even backs up and grades back and forth across the end of my driveway several times. The grader guy also loves to fill in around my mailbox. Now I’m getting nasty notes from the mail guy complaining that he won’t deliver my mail unless I start keeping the snow cleaned out around the mailbox. Well, the joke is on the mail guy since I mostly just get bills and, I’d just as soon have those requests for money returned to sender

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mistress Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
My name is Mike Colin and I’m filling in for Madam Merkel this week. Our local psychic has gotten into some trouble down state. Last week she went down to some little berg just outside of Grand Rapids. She was being paid to give psychic readings but it turned out to be a MSNBC sting operation for catching psychic predators.

It seems some police lady has been pretending that she was an elderly retiree on the Internet. The police lady would start up conversations with psychics she met in chat rooms and then she would lure them down to her house to give a reading. The problem is that Madam Merkel likes to have a few cocktails before she gives a reading. In the state of Michigan it is illegal to drink before you give a reading. I guess drinking and giving psychic readings is like taking steroids and playing baseball. It is considered to be unfair to psychics that don’t drink because while drinking real psychics give predictions that always come true.

I’m not sure if the Mistress will be back next week or not. The Psychic guild in Michigan has a lot of political power and they’ve gotten some pretty strict laws passed recently. I don’t even know if Mistress Merkel even has a license to practice psychic predicting.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Well those tall blue guys movie (Avatar) is still big and making lot of bucks. I think the blue people sort of look like elongated Smurfs. I do remember that on Star Trek some blue colored women were like the most attractive women in the galaxy. Most of them were beautiful but, I was not too crazy about the blue ladies with the little antennae on their heads.

One reason for the success of Avatar is that it stared Sigourney Weaver. I think all movies with Sigourney Weaver in are going to be hits. When guys hear her name mentioned in the trailer they just have to go see her movie. It’s like that Russian scientist Pavlov and his trained drooling dogs.

For a chick flick, the movie with Helen Hunt in it was pretty good too. I wouldn’t have gone to see it but, I went with my mom. She made me go because the movie was showing at night and she is always afraid of being accosted. She said with a big slob like me tagging along no one would bother her. She paid for my ticket, drink and, popcorn so, what do I care if she insults me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!!!

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
World leaders have been meeting all week to decide on how much Americans should pay for gas and heating oil in order to fix global warming. It seems that if our utility bills are greatly increased then the temperature outside will rise by 10 degrees Fahrenheit every 1,000 years. It is only 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside right now in Northern Michigan. If in 7,000 years the temperature rises up 70 degrees which will make it 72 degrees outside. I’ll be able to grow a garden and eat on a regular basis. It may get a little toasty for all the rich people in Southern California but, who cares?

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market keeps seesawing up and down. The economy must be in great shape because bankers on Wall Street are getting multimillion dollar bonuses. How do you get those jobs? I guess you have to go to colleges like Harvard or Yale. Of course if I could afford to go to one of those schools I wouldn’t need any job.

It looks like the health insurance industry and congress have finally hammered out a bill to reform health insurance. The White House and Senators who have been working long hours said that the bill will help insurance companies by making consumers healthier which will then drive down costs. It seems the unlimited amounts of money insurance companies will be able to charge government forced customers, will keep people from having money to buy food and will thereby curtail the problem with overweight individuals which is currently costing  the insurance companies a lot of money. And of course, if people should happen to starve to death on the streets and not die of natural old age causes then, this too will sharply drive down the health care burden those insurance companies are suffering.  Personally, I'm going to control my weight by going on a liquid diet. I won't keep any food at home and  I'll consume all my meals at The Big Liver Lounge.  I hang out there most of the time anyway.  My new diet will most likely get me the cheapest health insurance rate. 

Overall, the health care bill seems to be a victory for everyone. Now everyone will be forced to buy health insurance coverage at  prices set by the insurance industry. No one can be denied health insurance and would only have to pay 3x the regular rate if the insurance companies can find something wrong with you. (If you are over 50 years old then you have something really wrong with you.). On the positive side, the White House points out that no one can be denied being sold a health care policy and it will be up to the insurance industry to decide what treatments they will pay for. And, if you die because your insurance company denied your treatment then, your relatives will find it virtually impossible to sue the insurance company because the company works with the federal government. This last point will truly drive down costs all across the industry.  Everyone must pay into a plan and insurance companies will cover nothing.  This legislation has been named in honor of  the famous wall street wizard, Bernie Madoff.  It will be called the Bernie Madoff insurance reform legislation. 

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well the Tigers and the Lions have bit the dust this year. Now only the Detroit Pistons or the Red Wings can hold Detroit together. With a reported 50% unemployment rate I feel sorry for Detroit. But, we in Northern Michigan have our local minor league baseball teams like the Midland Loons and the Traverse City Beach Bums. Maybe our Bums and Loons might be a match up with the Tigers. Based on last season I would say they would not. But, who knows.

Speaking of Tigers, how about that Tiger Woods. My goodness. Tiger Woods is a real Tiger after all. (Roar!!!). I’ve never really respected golfers as athletes but, with all the girlfriends Tiger has well, Dog Gone! Like Bill Clinton in his second term, I’m starting to have respect for the man. It seems Tiger was much better at playing horizontal doubles than straight up and down singles matches. Now, many people are worried because Tiger has lost so many endorsement sponsors. The truth is Tiger is losing all his athletic and business endorsements but, now he can get all those more lucrative endorsements from pharmaceutical companies for their little pills, air pumps and, lotions.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
Well, January is coming next month. At that time it will be January and time to sweep out the old cobwebs out of my Petoskey Stones. I like to clean house during January so I can find all the places I put my bottles of apricot brandy while I was in a trance. Sometimes when I trance out I forget where I put things. I go all through my trailers every year. I also clean everything out and find all sorts of things that are stuffed in every crack and crevice.

Now, I predict that not only will I find stuff in all sorts of places in my trailer in January but, I also predict that the stock market will go up along with the price of oil. I also predict that the woman’s rest room at the Big Liver Lounge will get a new coat of paint in January. They really need to clean the place or flush the toilet or something. But, the owner is really lazy and it is always easier to just paint over stuff than to actually clean it up. The fresh paint will make it smell better anyway.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, if you want to see rockets being sent up in the air in the U.S. then you had best show up for the 4th of July fireworks display. NASA is still going to be getting a huge budget every year but, the money will be spent on things that do not relate to space and or technology. They will instead be spending all their money on having expensive entertainment at climate change conferences that will be held around the world. It costs a lot of money for caviar and champagne at climate change conferences. Eating well and getting drunk is a lot more fun than doing science stuff. I tried to tell my high school teachers that when I was a kid but, they said I was wrong. Well, look who says they were all wrong; none other than our very own government science guys. So there!!!

ENTERTAINMENT
By Mike Colin
Avatar is opening this weekend at most theaters. I and every guy I know are going to see this movie. It has the two things in a movie that every guy loves: senseless violence and Sigourney Weaver. The code words of guys for senseless violence are “action adventure” The code words for really intense senseless violence are “science fiction” and this film looks to be full of “science fiction”.

Although this might not be a movie classified as a “chick flick”, it has one of the hottest chicks in moviedom staring in it. That chick is Sigourney Weaver. She may be getting more mature in age but, to guys Sigourney Weaver is looked at in the same way that women look at Sean Connery or Hugh Grant. We guys all grew up watching this hot chick defeating these really nasty aliens. In our eyes she never ages. She looks nice and you want to have someone like that to get your back in a bar fight.

PSYCHIC IS VISITED BY SAM WALTON

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
It seems the nation of Dubai has gone broke. Dubai has been touted as one of the great financial and cultural centers in the world. Dubai is a member of the United Arab Emirates and was founded by popular group of 1960’s pop stars known as the Doobie Brothers.   The Brothers know how to throw a party but evidently, like many performers they have trouble hiring the right people to manage their money.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
As the dollar weakens the value of gold continues to set new record highs. The Treasury Department, in order to insure that the dollar is eventually still worth something, has begun printing paper currency on softer, triple ply paper. “Softer than Charmin” is the new motto which is planed to be printed on the one dollar bill.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have won two games this season. It seems the Lions have gotten their “pride” back and are functionally like a family again. I’m not from Detroit but, overall I can tell you that Michiganders have a restored since of confidence and of pride in their Lions. I’ve even started wearing my Lions cap and sweatshirt at the local sports bars. I used to get booed and threats when I came in. Now, now one mocks me. They simply stand aside when I enter the bar with my Lions clothing. Even if the Lions win no more games this season, the hope of a string of wins next year will keep loyal Lions fans buying everything Lions.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
Today I rubbed my Petoskey stones together and ended up in a trance talking to Sam Walton, founder of the Wal-mart stores. He told me that when he first had cheap jewelry made in China he had someone just like me in mind as his ultimate customer. He also said that my trailer could be a showroom of low cost furnishings and accessories purchased from his Arkansas store 30 years ago. I guess I made him mad when I told him that most of my stuff was purchased at K-mart, because Sam just stormed off and disappeared. I’m glad I didn’t tell him the truth that most of my stuff was really bought at the pawn shop.

OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I set up a turkey fryer too close to the siding at my parent’s house and dropped a frozen turkey into the boiling grease. Well, the house caught on fire and burned completely up. Now my parents are going to be staying at my place for a while until their insurance money comes in. So, turkey day wasn’t so good for me and with my parents hanging around I doubt I’ll be having too merry of an X-Mass party this year.

BAROK OBAMA WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE THEN, NUKES THE MOON MEN

IN THE NEWS NEWS OCT 11
By Ted Colin
Well someone had to win. Why not give it to someone with a cool sounding name. He has improved America’s image in the world. He’s nice to people and drinks beer. Still, even with all these qualities, the president has ordered an unprovoked attack upon an ancient civilization that lives beneath the surface of the moon. According to our source, on Friday NASA launched a nuclear strike upon an area of the moon where according to our source; an anti-matter enrichment program was taking place. Anti-matter is the stuff that powers starships on Star Trek. It is the most powerful energy known to man. By taking just a small amount of anti-matter and colliding it with matter a massive explosion would occur.

Our source for this story is a CIA general who works at the Pentagon. Our operative has worked at the pentagon for more than thirty years. He wishes to be called anonymous. I was lucky to find General Anonymous sleeping on a railroad track in Frederick Michigan not far from a bar that Hemingway visited. This CIA operative was a true genius at his trade. He was obviously a deep cover agent since he was dressed in green camouflage rags and smelled like my uncle’s pig farm. Like a real tramp, this agent even asked me for a $10.00 handout. He said $10.00 was all that he needed to find nourishment for a day. I agreed to his terms as I helped him off the railroad tracks and over to the bar. It was early morning. The CIA agent told me he felt he had never left the place.

The agent shook uncontrollably until he had drank his first morning shot of bourbon. He still could not talk coherently until he downed half a bottle. Then he told me about the attack on the moon. It seems that the first astronauts sent back a garbled message which sounded like “One small leap for man. One giant leap for mankind.” This message was intentionally garbled by NASA. The real message was “One little Leap is as big as a man. One giant Leap could destroy mankind.” Hence life was discovered on the moon and the astronauts were there to begin negotiations with the moon creatures. Things went bad after the astronauts took off leaving garbage and waste water behind. Subsequent missions were no better so, the Leap banned Americans from the moon. That is the real reason we never returned.

Now, the Leap have been working to create enough anti-matter on the moon to fuel a new weapon. The Leap intends to turn the moon into a death star capable of destroying any planet in our solar system. NASA’s attack on the moon was a preemptive strike to neutralize the lab that was working to create anti-matter.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks ended the week higher with the DJIA ending at 9864.94. Gold has been hitting new highs recently as the world awaits the response of the Giant Leap to our attack. Other commodity prices are also heading higher as individuals and governments hoard items that could be used to rebuild civilization should the Giant Leap kill everyone and everything on our planet. Many governments were informed two years ago about the upcoming attack upon the moon. That is why the price of oil has skyrocketed and the U.S. currency continues to tank. Most nations feel since America was the aggressor in this case, America will fell the brunt of the retaliation.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
In professional football the Detroit Lions will host Pittsburgh at 1 p.m. Sunday. The Lions have 1 win and 3 losses. The Detroit Tigers lost to the Minnesota Twins and finished second in their division with 86 wins and 77 losses. The Twins have 87 wins and 76 losses.

In Big 10 College football Michigan State is ranked #5 and the U of M is ranked #8. Over in the MAC conference CMU is kicking some serious footballs. They beat Michigan State this year and are #1 in the MAC Conference West with an overall 5 wins and 1 loss. They also have the highest number of total wins of anyone in the MAC conference. Outstanding football from a small college in Mid-Michigan. CMU is located in Mt. Pleasant Michigan and I bet the entire college and town is feeling pleasant enough with the success of the CMU football team.

OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I went down to the “U Steel We Fence” pawn shop to see what local reaction is to the attack upon the Leap. The guy behind the counter said that because of the president he was selling more guns than ever. He must have met that people are getting ready to defend themselves in case the Leap invade. I noticed the guy had a tattoo that was similar to a medal my grandfather took off a Nazi he shot during World War II. I mentioned it to the guy and he would not talk to me anymore. Go figure.
No matter what happens I think that people that hunt and fish in the outdoors will have no problem surviving an invasion by the moon monsters. They may have super weapons but, we have lawn jarts and I know every place on the body that bleeds when hit by a jart. I have the emergency room bills to prove it.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
As my part of the war effort, in order to find out exactly how anti-matter worked and to pass on this information to my government, I tried contacting Mr. Scott who was chief engineer on the starship Enterprise. He told me that in order to get the real science behind anti-matter or death stars; I needed to contact Mr. Spook, the science officer. I tried all night to contact Mr. Spook but, I had no luck. So I called those two twin Star Trek girls, Laurie and Carrie, and they told me that Mr. Spook was still alive. They also said that he was just an actor and had no real scientific training. Who new?

My prediction about the war with the moon creatures is that there will not be one. Instead, the moon monsters are already destroying us by encouraging the Chinese to flood the U.S. with cheap plastic junk which will fill up our landfills and pollute our water and soil. The Leap already killed us while we were sleeping. That reminds me. I need to put my garbage out next week. I have a whole bunch of plastic nick knacks I’m getting rid of so I can up grade to better stuff.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Zombieland is number one at the box office. I’d like to see a movie made about the zombie brain eating flying squirrel outbreak we just had in Northern Michigan. Of course they never make movies about real zombies because people would get too scared. The Bruce Willis movie Surrogates was # 4 and local boy Michael Moore’s movie Capitalism: A Love Story was number 8 this week.

SPECIAL REPORT ON LOCAL VAMPIRES
By Mike Colin
I fell in love with the wrong girl again. This one was rich, had a big house and, a black Jaguar (Car not Cat). She gave me a place to stay (I was living under a bridge) and dressed me in nice clothes. She took me to fine restaurants and got me into one of the most exclusive night clubs in Traverse City. The only problem was that she happened to be a vampire.

Now I know many of you are thinking that I should not be so prejudiced. I know that society has become much more accepting of vampires recently and they are often portrayed as heroes on TV and in the movies. But, many times vampires are portrayed as being very violent. I personally do not believe that vampires are violent. My girlfriend (Stephanie was her name) never made any attempt to kill me or anyone else in my presence.

The first time I met Stephanie was inside an exclusive club I had been trying to get into every time I went bar hopping downtown. One night Stephanie got the bouncer to let me in so I went inside and introduced myself. We got to talking until almost dawn. Then she drove me back to her place. It was a fantastic house with black draperies and weird pictures hung all over the place. Stephanie told me that she would be my girlfriend if I’d move into her house. She told me that because of her religion she would stay in the basement and I would have to stay in the rest of the house. I also had to stay on the main floor during the day to make sure no one went down into the basement to bother her.

Now Stephanie was a real knock out with long flowing hair. She wore all black like she was really into the Goth lifestyle. Everything went well for a few weeks although, I never saw her in the daytime. I thought that must be when she was getting her beauty sleep because she went out every single night and never returned until just before dawn. I always went home by no latter than 1 o’clock. I just could not keep up with her night life.

One day my psychic friend Madam Misty told me that Stephanie was actually a vampire. Madam Misty said that Stephanie was just using me to guard her while she was dormant during the daytime. This seemed to make sense because when I sneaked down into the basement the only thing there was a box full of dirt.

I went to the club to confront Stephanie and she freely admitted that she was a 300 year old vampire. We went outside the club and she gave me a kiss. It was a kiss goodbye. She told me I could keep the house and the Jaguar along with a large stash of cash which was hidden under her box. She then turned away from me, sprouted wings and flew off into the night. I was amazed to see her join up with a bunch of other vampires all flying south in a “V” formation like they were geese flying south for the winter.

MICHIGAN GREAT WHITE SHARK EATS HEIRESS

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Colonel Moa mar Gadaffi pitched his tent at Donald Trumps place and road a camel over to the United Nations. General Colin Powell was waiting for the colonel and our great general gave the colonel quite a tongue lashing for wearing boots covered with camel dung. General Powell made the colonel clean the dung from his boots. Then, General Powell made Colonel Gadaffi give him 100 push-ups. General Powell will now be awarded a medal from the UN General Assembly for taking some of the wind out of what would have been a 4 hour speech. As for Donald Trump, as soon as Colonel Gadaffi left his tent, The Donald began to renovate the tent into a casino. The new casino, which will open Tuesday, will be known as the Triple E Palms. The U.S. Marine Corp. Marching Band will perform at the grand opening. Or will they be in Tripoli Libya on Tuesday, like in their fight song?

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The DJIA has been floundering under 10,000 this month while gold has run up past the $1,000 per ounce price. Oil has declined below $70.00 per barrel bid on the open markets.
A brand new anti-smoking product may be coming to grocery and liquor stores across the nation (for many Americans liquor stores are our grocery stores). This device is a long sugar based flavored candy which has the shape of a cigarette. These “candy cigarettes” have been approved by the FDA and will not need a prescription. It is hoped that this new item will eliminate the need for any type of national health insurance. If everyone just sucked on “candy cigarettes” all day then they would not be ingesting deadly tobacco products. However, according the FDA, Dental insurance coverage might be much harder to get. The price for these new cigarette substitutes will start at about $35.00 per pack.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Tigers are still winning games. They just beat the Twins 6-2 and still lead the American League Central Division with 79 games.

The Detroit Lions are not doing so well, losing to the Minnesota Vikings 13-27. The next game will be with the Redskins on September 27. After 19 strait losses since 2007, maybe the best thing the Lions could do is, like a low rated TV show that network executives like, go on hiatus for the rest of this season. The Lions management, owners and players need to just kick back for this season and watch other football teams and see, how the game is played. By watching other professional football teams, college teams, high school and pee wee football teams, the Lions might gain some pointers. Some might argue that paying players to just observe other teams would be paying them to do nothing. Well, I think the big oval egg on the scoreboard at the end of every single game, pretty much signifies the same thing.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Tim Colin
A great white shark has swallowed famed heiress to the Bitter Boy Candy Company, Barbara [Bitter] Butter. According to Bernard Butter, Barbara Butters’ Husband and Becky Baker, Bernard’s’ personal business buddy, Barbara Butter was last seen swimming off the beach just south of Frankfurt Michigan. According to the couple, they both watched in horror as the great white shark sped toward the heiress and rose up underneath the poor lady with its mouth wide open. Bernard and Becky had to heroically hold each other back from the deadly waters as Barbara’s body was tossed into the air and then slipped into the jaws of the great white shark. Mr. Butter said it was just like in the movie “Jaws”, which he had watched the night before.

The coast guard and local authorities have initiated a round the clock search for any trace of the body or the shark. Bernard Butter said that the body was never going to be found in Lake Michigan. Mr. Butter went on to say that they had just com from the nearby Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. “You know,’’ he said, “The sand is so soft and light at the dunes that your body can sink right into it. You could dig a hole there six feet deep in no time and then fill it in and no one would ever know you dug it’”.

Barbara Butter was 43 years old and was preceded in death by two sons from a previous marriage, Basil and Benson Berger. The sons died tragically while camping in Montana with their loving stepfather when, they were eaten by alligators. Bernard Butter is the soul heir to 15 billion dollars. All other heirs died as a result of being eaten by various animals thus, leaving no trace of the bodies. It seems the luck of the Bitter Boy Candy heirs is bitter indeed. The tragic death of his wife but, the, huge inheritance, has made Mr. Butters’ life bitter sweet. He and his personal business buddy Becky have announced they are getting married in order to dull the pain caused by that monster of the deep, the Michigan great white shark.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
The following are my predictions for November. The great spirits of the north have told me that the Great Lakes Region will be really chilled when the “gales of November come early” Just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, the ship called the “Edmond Fitzgerald will be remembered again this year. Everyone will think of the fated ship when they see sheets of ice flying down their streets and wondering if they put the cat or dog in before the ice storm hit. People also wonder if they might have to share the cat and dog food if they happen to get iced in.

A couple of UFO’s will be sighted heading across the North American skies. They will be landing near Grand Traverse Bay. They will be seeking some wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard. They won’t be drinking it but, just want a few bottles as pricey souvenirs to sell on some galactic form of eBay called Galaxybay. Instead of using UPS to deliver their packages: these aliens teleport their items using their brains.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Local Mancelona film maker Michael Moore has a new film out called “Capitalism: A love story”. Because this film has the words “love story”, in the title, I think it must be some sort of chick flick. In addition, the word “Capitalism” in the title implies it is set in Washington D.C. (or maybe Lansing MI). So, we have a love chick flick film set at the capital. It must be about affairs by senators and congressmen. Or maybe, it’s about affairs between senators and congressmen (they always have those closed door sessions). At any rate, I most likely won’t go to see a chick flick film unless I’m dragged to it. I like action/adventure films. The best films have very little talking in them. The best written scripts are all about snappy lines like Arnold Swartzenager uses for example “Stick around” from “Predator” or, “I’ll be back” from “The Terminator”.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
Scientists have announced that they think they have found a cure for aids. I’ve been wearing a hearing aid since I was five years old. The one I have now is barely noticeable but, other people still bring it up in conversation between themselves. I know that because I can hear them make remarks like “Rat boy is deaf. He can’t possibly be listening to us talk about him”. Well, I’m not deaf. I’m only impaired and, raising rats is the family business I inherited from my father when he ran away. I am not a rat boy. Besides, mom says someday some girl will be lucky to marry me and become the wife of a rich rat baron, tycoon.

Until then, I’ll just live with my rats in my mom’s basement. I’ve got it nice down there. I’ve got a cot to sleep on and, a TV and a hot plate and a little refrigerator for my condiments and cheese. There, I am the king of my domain. All I am missing is a queen to rule it with.

21 YEARS AFTER THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER ATTACKED

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin

This week the Obama administration announced that it was moving its proposed missile shield from Eastern Europe out to mobile ships at sea. The shield is not really a shield at all, like a force field in Star Trek or Star Wars. It is instead made up of thousands of tiny rocket ships that are supposed to hit and destroy any missiles coming out of Iran or Iraq or some other country that has a name starting with the pronoun “I”. Next, we’ll have to invade Iceland. Maybe we should go after the Ipod community. During the Clinton years we attacked Yugoslavia which starts with the pronoun “You”. I see a pattern here. I hope the next nation on the list isn’t Italy.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin

Well my brother was partly right about the MSU and CMU game last weekend. He thought it would be a good game but, MSU would win in the end. Well, it was a pretty messy game in terms of funky plays but, CMU ended up winning. I had a little too much beer bong to remember the details but, I remember thinking at the time “what in the heck are you people from Mid-Michigan doing?” Well, it worked.

I might not be as great a davenport potato sports watcher as my brother Tim but, I’m going to be joining a dart league to play this winter. I’m a great athlete when it comes to darts and lawn jarts. I would have formed a lawn jart league this summer but, my brother Mike kept having to be taken to the emergency room. It seems he believes he should try to block the incoming lawn jarts. He does the same thing when we play horse shoes.

In pro sports, the Lions lost to New Orleans 27-45. They will play Minnesota on September 20th. The Tigers are still up by about 4 games in their division. They will play a triple header with Minnesota on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Mike Colin

My brother Tim is sick this week so the rest of us have to do more work to get this blog published. I don’t know anything about Wall Street so I’m not going to mention it. Oops, I guess I just mentioned it (ha, ha, LOL).

I did start a tour guide business in order to make some quick cash. I’ve been taking people around to see sights like Old Skeggy, the Skegmog Lake Monster, the Sand Dunes and the quicksand holes that my brother and I found a couple of weeks ago. I charge $10.00 each for the entire tour which, I think is real reasonable. I have gas expense plus, I have to buy a bucket of Chicken from KFC in order to get Old Skeggy to appear. I did learn early on that I needed to collect my money before I gave the tour and not wait until it was over. It seems everyone just takes off and disappears when we get to the quicksand holes. I guess they are just board but, I don’t know how they make it back to town. I always wait around at the van but, no one ever shows up so I go home having banked some quick bucks. Maybe, if I get some repeat business and through word of mouth; my tour guide business might grow and become a way for me to make a living.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Ted Colin

Today is the 21st anniversary of the creation of the Frankenmoose monster. Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leapt out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human, Teamster driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.

A Dr. Stein Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. The doctor had just retuned from a beer festival in Frankenmuth and still had his lederhosen on. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slams into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival. The resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of a human being. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.

Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. The creature escaped the barn the doctor had it in and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chewing on any grass fans brought with them into the stadium.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful narcotic into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game. The monster was taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Suttons Bay Michigan.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.
I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard

Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.

In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin

Halle Barry allowed herself to an interview on the new Jay Leno show. Jay was lucky to get a great actress on his show. The first night of his new show Jay Leno had Seinfeld on. My mom loves Jerry Seinfeld. I relate more to Neumann myself.

Talk about action actors I relate to, Bruce Willis is coming out with a new Sci-fi flick called Surrogates. It is something to do with humans living out their lives through androids. It should be pretty good. Bruce Willis movies usually move along real fast and they are not full of a bunch of guys trying to get in touch with their inner emotions. That is unless your inner emotions cause you to want to kick the crap out of bad guys. I doubt I get a date for this movie.