VAMPIRES HAVE RAVE AT THE GRAVE BEFORE HEADING TO CANCUN

IN THE NEWS NEWS                                                                                                
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
It is election 2010 and as Editor of this blog I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we don’t care!!! We don’t care because it does not matter who you vote for because nothing is going to change. As my late Uncle Rev. Bobby used to say, “Those who can pay have all the say. Those that don’t have to pray.” Now Uncle Bobby was a lay preacher so he knew something about prayer. I’m sure he was praying right before he got beaten to death by that one ladies husband. Of course the All Mighty let Uncle Bobby down when he let that woman’s husband out of work early that night.

Although we don’t care about elections overall there is however, one candidate that we are endorsing at this blog. The candidate is Bill M. Oron who is running a campaign to be elected President of the United States in 2010. He should have an easy time taking office since he is the only person running for President in this election cycle. Bill is running as an Independent since his unemployment has run out and he does not have the money to pay to join any political party.

Bill is qualified to be President since he is 23 years old and you only have to be 21 years old to run for President in Michigan. In addition, I can personally vouch for the character of Bill M. Oron. I’ve know Bill since High School and he is quite a guy. He would crack up even the teachers when he’d put straws up his nose and do an impersonation of a walrus.

In addition to a sense of humor Bill was always popular with girls. He had a girlfriend of some type all the way through high school. He got married a month after he graduated and was a father a few days later. Since his marriage Bill has been an outstanding family man. He does not beat his wife or kid and is usually on time in paying child support, unless he goes to the casino.

Another quality that Bill has is that he does not drink and drive since he lost his license last August. He is also good with animals except for that incident with that ladies exotic bird. That case won’t go to trial until after the 2010 election at which point Bill will be able to pardon him. Now in Bill’s defense his attorney is going to make a case that the cockatiel had it coming to her when she kept parading back and forth in front of Bill when he was homeless, starving and, living in a dumpster. Bill was very anemic at the time and had become delusional. He thought the cockatiel was a stray cat. He admits he never tasted cat that tasted so much like chicken.

Overall, Bill M. Oron has all of the qualities that most of our politicians have, particularly those that run for high office. One thing I can tell you about Bill is that he has never taken a bribe in his life. Of course he has never had anything anybody wanted. Even the local pawn shops have banned him from coming in since he always brings in the most worthless crap.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
In business news: I was forced by the prosecutor’s office to stop giving people tours of local quicksand bogs. It seems many people have come up missing during the tours. I told the prosecutor that they just disappeared. I said I finally got wise and started making sure that I was always paid in advance.

In other business news: I think that if you’re interested in what the stock market or real estate market are doing then you must be delusional. You’ve lost all your money already so you’re going to have to forget about retirement and go do something else for the rest of your life. The big box stores always have job openings for greeters and, if you happen to work at a store that sells appliances you can probably get a nice cardboard box to live in. If you happen to work at a store that sells cheap wine then, you will have a way to forget about how much dignity you lost because you were so stupid when you invested your money with Wall Street bankers.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Rotten Apple Core (TRAC) is on track to become the next professional association of athletes covered by Sirius Radio. Our championship game will be broadcast every Halloween from coast to coast and internationally for the next four years. We will be sponsored by Apple Cider Beer Brewers of South Africa which is the largest cider beer brewer in North America.

For those of you who are ignorant of the game known as “Rotten Apple” it is played just like dodge ball except you use rotten apples in place of your balls. Players try to knock off opposing team members by hitting them with a rotten apple. If you are hit by a rotten apple then you are out of the game.

This sport has caught on so much in popularity that there are leagues forming in Canada, Brazil, Russia and, China. In March of 2011 there is going to be an international conference to settle on some uniform rules for the game. I just hope they don’t sissy the game up by not letting you aim for an opponent’s eye with the apple stem. Wearing things like helmets and crotch protectors would also take away from the tough guy image associated with the game of “Rotten Apple”.

MICHIGAN NEWS
By Mike Colin
Younger Brother of the Editor
Well it’s getting pretty chilly up here in Northern Michigan. The local vampires are getting ready to fly to Cancun for the winter. Several local vampire bars have already closed for the season. Before all the vampires take off for Cancun they will be having a “Rave at the Grave” party on Halloween. The party lasts from dusk until dawn and everyone, mortal, immortal and, immoral should have a really good time. The band called Heavy Drinking Vampires is going to provide the entertainment. There is no admission price at the gate to get in however; a donation of about two pints of blood is advisable. If you don’t give at the gate they will probably insist that you make an even larger donation of blood latter on in the evening. If you are intending on making the larger donation then you should say goodbye to your family and friends before you go to the rave because the next time you see them you won’t look at them as your family and friends; you’ll look at them as your next meal.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
I will be so glad when all those old vampires take off to Cancun for the winter. They don’t know how to drive. They come up behind you with their expensive sports cars driving like a bat out of hell and then tailgate you like you’re supposed to drive over the speed limit so they can go faster. They even try to pass you when there is a double yellow line in the road. It is just like they don’t care if they get killed or not. These vampires also don’t seem to care if they kill anyone else.

Another thing I hate about vampires is that when they’re around you have to wear those heavy scarves laced with garlic powder every time you go out at night. If you forget to have garlic around your neck before you know it some vampire is right there trying to give you a hickey. I mean I don’t mind it so much when it’s a guy trying to bite my neck but, I am really not into chicks getting that familiar. And, of course up here in Michigan there must be ten female vampires for every guy vampire. Honestly, I just wish these vampires would just stay down in Cancun year around.

HUMOR NEWS NUTS EDITOR ON THE RUN FOR LEAKING

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
I am afraid I must confirm that my brother Mike Eugene Colin is a fugitive being sought for publishing here on this blog details regarding our secret war with the moon monsters known as the Great Leap. It seems the war went very badly for our government. We even nuked the moon’s North Pole to try to destroy our adversary. You may recall the so called bombing of the moon to try to find water that our government carried out a while back. Shortly thereafter it was announced that Americans would be banned from ever returning to the moon because of the expense. In fact, aliens from outside our solar system intervened in the war and convinced us that we could still look at the moon but, we must never go back there or else…

There is now an international manhunt for my brother and I don’t know exactly where he is located. I know that he is staying with our cousin Bubba Boy who lives at 20127776661313 (this is a rural Michigan address), Monroe Rd. in Freeland Michigan. I am just not sure whether my brother is staying in an upstairs bedroom or if he has to sleep in the basement.

Now if I were asked to give advice to the Swat team that was going into my cousin’s house I would advise them to just take a blow torch and burn the whole thing down. It‘s over 100 years old and should go up like a match. It has 100 year old wiring so it is going to burn down anyway and this would give the government a way to deny burning up the suspect. Just blame the fire on bad wiring.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Gerrard
I was asked to write this column while Tim is being hunted down for being a traitor and letting out information about our secret war with the moon men. I knew Tim’s big mouth would get him in trouble one of these days. I knew when we published information about the war with the moon things there would be heck to pay. After all, this was the only blog site in the world that was covering that war. Even after we covered it, no one on the planet picked up on it. Of course no one on this planet reads this blog but, evidently we are widely read throughout the rest of the universe. When Washington got the call that a galaxy class star destroyer was on its way here to vaporize our planet then it did not take them long to go after our esteemed editor Mr. Tim Colin.

Well, I wish my boss Tim luck but, if he gets gunned down by international authorities in Moscow or some where else that’s cool, I really like his desk which I am sitting at right now. He had a pretty nice looking chair but I’ve gained a little weight this summer so the chair might need a little reassembly work.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim usually writes this column but, he might be riddled by bullet holes by the time this is published. It kind of serves him right because he doesn’t believe that my girlfriend is a vampire. He says she is just some crazy girl that likes to drink blood to impress her friends. He does not understand how much I miss her and hope that she comes back to Traverse City one of these days. I sometimes spend the day downtown watching college girls playing volleyball. This really helps to take my mind off of my girlfriend.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
My psychic powers have been completely screwed up lately. My abilities to communicate with the dead are really messed up. I tried to contact my aunt Maud and got my ex-husband Hot Rod Todd. Hot Rod liked his cars and women to be fast but, he did not like to find a job too fast so our relationship did not last.

Old Hot Rod is really hot these days since he ended up in a place where the sun don’t ever shine but, it’s a great place for a cook out if you like a little volcanic lava to wash down your brats made out of sulfur. O course his breath always smelled like sulfur anyway and all those breath mints he ate to cover up his breath gave him diabetes. He literally ate himself into the grave trying to keep his breath from stinking.

In addition to my abilities to contact the dead being messed up, my ability to predict the future is also giving me problems. A couple of days ago I made the prediction to various ladies in the trailer park that Oprah would be preempted and would be shown an hour later than normal. Boy did I get that one wrong. All the ladies in the park got really mad at me. So many of them started to doubt my psychic abilities that I had to run a two for one special on palm readings. If business gets much worse I might have o run a 10 for $10 special. Maybe I should print up some dollar-off coupons instead. After all, dollar-off coupons work for pizza joints. Who knows? Maybe with advertising I could franchise and roll out my psychic joints all across America.
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORT
By Gerrard
Nothing really to report on this summer. Hollywood is busy releasing a lot of chick flicks and teeny bopper love stories and not much in the way of guy movies. We want to see more movies like Star Trek or Aliens.  I would not even mind seeing a good Western or a really violent mobster film. Where have all the good movies gone? Hopefully they’ve gone to the fall of 2010 and we won’t have to wait long for their release.

OUT OF DOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
I don’t have time for this column this month. The summer coed volleyball championship games are about to start down at the beach so, I AM OUT OF HERE!

SPECIAL NOTE FROM HOUSELAND SECURITY
FROM THE OFFICE OF BANICLE "BARNY" BILL HEAD OF HOUSELAND Ltd.
We are currently pursuing the editor of this so called news blog for his reckless disregard for this nations most highly sensitive secrets regarding our world actually being run by outer space aliens.  If the news got out that we are ruled by off world monsters with nose hairs that can stangle you while your body is disolved by flesh eaying snot then, many earth people might think about revolting against our benevolent slave masters.  They also have claws for genitalia but, I don't think we should go there unless we are into pain.  A revolt could upset the whole order of things on this planet and since I report directly to the aliens I'm afraid my nine figure government salary would take a big cut.

I do not intend on taking a pay cut so if we have to we will shoot the editor of this publication before he has a chance to surrender.    Currently, we have the best minds in the world gathering information which will tell us the whereabouts of this treasonous editor.  So, if you have any information please send it to our office in Mumbai India.  We outsourced our intelligence analitics department to a company in Mumbai.  They are really cheap because they pay their best people just a few pennies a day to go over our most important  and sensitive national secrets.  I'm saving so much money that U. S. taxpayers might have to give me a ten figure income next year.