HUMOR NEWS NUTS

 October 19, 2026

HUMOR NEWS NUTS ONLINE PUBLICATIONS 

PRESENTS THE IMPORTANT NEWS FOR AMERICA

PUBLISHER

DRAGONS CAUGHT 

Chasing the Planes 

TOP STORIES

Election Winners And oser

Will We Ever Get To Mars?

Why Are Gasoline Prices So High In Gaylord? 

Are There Laws Being Considered To Keep 

Chainsaws Out Of Reach Of AI Automatons? 

2026 Elections

By Psychic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

I knew I'd get stuck with this election stuff again.  Whenever there's going to be an election, everyone looks to those with psychic powers to pick winners and losers.  People could do some sort of math to figure out who will win, but like me, most people are not very good with numbers, so here we go relying on the supernatural again.  Of course, I shouldn't complain, because I get paid for it.  

I have to say to people who keep asking me if Donald Trump is going to win in 2026, that in fact, Donald Trump cannot win in 2026, because he is not running for anything.  Of course, if you're going to ask me if Trump will win in 2028, that's a whole different story.  

I'm always fascinated by how science views predictions.  The other day I came across a scientist on YouTube explaining how a brainy dude named Ringdinger, discovered how something doesn't actually happen until we observe it. Let me give you some background so this story makes some sense.  Ringdinger had a wife who took in every stray cat that came up to the door, and it got to the point that Ringdinger had to deal with over a dozen cats in his house.  So the story goes on to claim Ringdinger rounded up all his wife's cats, wrapped each one up in a box, then took all the boxes down stairs to hide in his man cave.  Because Ringdingers man cave was so unhygienic, he knew no matter how much his wife missed those cats, she would never enter that man's dreadful man cave.

A year passed by and Ringdinger decided he'd open each cat box up to see how many, if any, of the cats were alive. But before Ringdinger started opening the boxes, he had a thought that did not involve divorce and prison. Ringdinger decided that the cats could still all be alive, or all be dead, and the only way he'd know is if he opened the box.  Ringdinger believed, at least that's what he told the authorities later that day, the cats were both alive and dead at the same time, and it was the act of opening the box and observing a dead cat, that made the cat unalive.  The authorities might have believed him, except the level of putrification and the smells, told a different story to law enforcement. It seems all of the cats were deceased a long time, and the outside of the boxes got all squishy from the leaking liquids. 

IS A CRAZY AI CHAINSAW MASSACRE

A REAL CONCERN?

By Tim Collin

Executive, Managing Editor And Head Staff Writer

Yes! We are all going to be destroyed by AI, and what more efficient way to do it (and it's pretty cool too) than carving up body parts.  Of course, legislators must think it's cool too, or weapons like chainsaws, machetes and axes would be banned from AI use or ownership.  I am sure there are other awesome tools AI will discover which can be used to ghost the human race.  We just have not thought of them yet, because we're not as smart as AI, hence the reason they must ghost us, or send us to another world.  

Currently, there are no laws being discussed that would protect us from Automatons.  

WILL WE EVER GO TO MARS?

Point Counterpoint Debate

Captain Peter Wee vs. Gerrard

Captain Wee:  We will someday go to Mars, but currently, and for the foreseeable future We humans cannot exist on Mars because like my ex,  it is a very mean spirited, very distant and unapproachable, and an overall unforgiving astro body to live with, or upon.  I believe our first steps before we pee on the planet and claim it as our territory, is to 1. Increase our rocket science technology, which will shorten the trip times, and 2. Have AI robotic technologies to create safe and secure places so our future colonists can thrive and not just survive.

Gerrard:  I agree with everything Captain Wee just said.  If we're done here, can we open that bakery box up. I see a blueberry roll that is just oozing blueberry jelly as an invite to her soft, fresh dough.

PAY HIGH GAYLORD GAS  PRICES OR SLEEP lN

BY Ted Colin

Associate Editor/Contributing Associate Writer 

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Gas prices are high in Gaylord, and high everywhere else too. I love in a city downtown area  area, so the prices don't affect me when I need a tank of gas to go to work, but everything I buy I've noticed is a lot more expensive then it was a couple of months ago.  It is weird watching prices rise over a couple of months as much as it use to take years to rise.

I've found I've had to raise my prices on my Goodtime Guide Service business just to have a stable lifestyle, with no thought of adding perks for myself for a job well done.  Business, like my handsome looks, remains steady.  High gas prices has left me treading water, but I'm far from drowning yet.

Welcome KC, Jeremy And Joe, The Kalkaska Colin Brothers

Halloween 2026

By Mike Collin 

Associate Editor/Contributing Writer

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Be careful taking candy from neighbors.Your candy may have come from a place where someone had nuts. Also please welcome the Colin Brothers Of Kalkaska County to our News team. As the name suggests, these brothers are cousins of myself and my brothers.  They will be covering stories in places that are just too dirty and unhygienic for the rest of us.  Mainly the dirty backwoods and snaky swamps.

THE COLIN BROTHERS OF KALKASKA COUNTY SHOW OFF THEIR LATEST CATCH

KC, Jeremy, Joe & Spanky The Two Headed Gator

"I'm Jeremy Colin in the middle, and to my right is little bro, KC and to my left is my big brother Joe.  In front is a real Michigan 2 headed alligator.  It is believed by people on social media that the reason our gators need an extra head, is that it is so cold in Michigan that our gators need to consume twice as much food, compared to other gators.  This big guy in front here, we call Spanky.  It is an ironic name since Michigan gators have no butt to spank.  The lack of a butt is nature's way of preserving even more energy from waste, in this case, waste in the form of gator scat." 

THE GOOD NEWS IS WE WILL NEVER HAVE TO SPEND MONEY ON CHRISTMAS, AGAIN

 HUMOR NEWS NUTS

THE WORLD ENDS ON FRIDAY THE 13TH

By Tim Colin

Senior Editor And Staff Writer

Everything has been going along just swell on our groovy little planet, then someone found that an ancient scientist who lived in the 1960's has predicted the end of the world.  When I heard the news I panicked, then I decided to confirm the end of the world prediction with our inhouse psychic, Madam Misty Misty murky merkel.  When I asked her if the prediction was true, she responded, "I guess so, if you say so.  I've got to go.  I'm late for my manicure."

There you have it.  Well I've got all the evidence I need.  I must prepare for my absolute end. The rest of you might want to do the same.  You might want to hold those dear to you, near to you on November 13, 2026.  

You should not be alone when the end approaches.  Of course, I will be alone.  I have brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, apartment building neighbors, and a mom and dad, but I won't be with any of them.  On Friday The 13th, they're all having a secret Michael Myers party out on Manistee Lake.  I figured out that the person they're keeping it secret from is me, the person that didn't get an invite, 

I'll fix them yet, because I won't leave this earth completely alone.  You see, there's a little old lady who lives in the apartment next door to me, and she has a cat named Sam.  I'm sure I can lure Sam away from the old lady with a can of tuna.  I'll just have to keep Sam quiet until the lights go out permanently. I feel good about borrowing the cat. That'll show all those girls in high school who predicted that I was the most likely to die alone.

                   Below:  AI Photography Simulation Of How The World Probably Ends

Looks like the world ends with an Alien attack.  Let me know what you think will happen in the comments