IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The government of France has accused The Humor News Nuts blog of being nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Space Alien Conspiracy Party. It is true that I and my brothers have in the past, volunteered to work for political candidates that run on the Space Alien Conspiracy Party platform. We hope that one day SACP will be a major force in politics. Then, once and for all, the many alien conspiracies discussed by people that think as we do will be taught as fact to the general population. And the mundane problems we have on planet earth (wars, famine, and climate change etc.) will all pale in comparison to the problems we can create once we begin to deal with intelligent creatures on other worlds.
In regards to dealing with intelligent creatures on other worlds, so far the moon creatures known as the Giant Leap have not retaliated for our hostile attack carried out two weeks ago. It is interesting that one of the scientists who helped to discover ice water on the moon has been recently arrested for spying. The government’s cover story as to why they launched the missiles was that they, the U.S. government, were trying to find water on the moon. Of course, it was really an attempt to knock out an anti-matter refining plant controlled by the Giant Leap. Well somehow the arrest of the lunar ice guy within weeks of blasting the moon where the ice guy said there was ice doesn’t hold water. We will continue to follow this developing story.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The Dow Jones Industrial Average ended the week on a down note. Oil and other commodities seem to be climbing higher as the dollar weakens. Times are so tough and gold is so valuable that people in Northern Michigan are being mugged for their gold dental work. My brother Mike had his gold crown removed by a couple of guys with a pair of pliers. He really screamed at first but, I told him we’d share the cash with him. After that he just whimpered.
In these tough times, executive compensation has become a hot topic. Many people want to reign in executive pay. I’m told some executives make over $25,000 per year. This seems like a lot of money and it is but, it takes top dollars to maintain good help. No doubt, some Wall Street executives may not be worth a salary of $25,000 per year but, I suspect most are worth such an exorbitant sum. And, everyone I know aspires to making that kind of big money one day. Myself, if I made $25,000 per year I’d just work for two years and then I’d retire so I could enjoy my wealth.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well it is being reported this week that the NFL wants to start playing some games in London England. I guess they’ll be serving warm beer and crumpets. The warm beer I understand but, what are crumpets? Are crumpets the same as lemon shooters?
With 1 win and 5 losses the Detroit Lions have secured last place in their division. Still they have won one more game than last year. They get to rest up this weekend.
In college football, Michigan has an overall record of 5 wins and one loss while Michigan State has 4 wins and three losses. In the meantime, Central Michigan has 6 wins and only 1 loss in the MAC. CMU easily defeated Western Michigan last weekend by a score of 34-23. This weekend they should easily bowl over Bowling Green. CMU leads the overall MAC conference this year and has one of the best records in college football. I smell a bowl game in their future. Go Chips!!!
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well it’s getting close to Halloween. During this season the barriers come down between our world and the world of the dead. The problem I’m having is that the dead won’t shut up. They just keep going on and on about their problems. Many of them are upset because their spouse or special someone has moved on to new relationships. Well, what do dead people expect? If you’re one of the living you just can’t wait around for Halloween each year so you can converse with your deceased significant other. You have to get out and live a bit. Dead people need to start going out with other dead people and cut their ties with their old mates. It should be like Patrick Swayze in “Ghost”. You just walk away into the sparkles or, get dragged off to the basement by little robed trolls. Of course poor Patrick is a ghost now. That is so sad. Anyway, get on with life you crazy spirits and leave your earthbound loves and myself alone. Besides, unless you’re a dead celebrity I can’t make any money off of you by selling your secrets to the rag magazines.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Mike Colin
The Salmon had a strong run this year. The rivers were full of Coho especially and I have a freezer full of fish. My dad wanted to trade some of his road killed raccoon for some of my salmon but I said “No Way!” Don’t get me wrong. I do like some types of road kill. When I was a kid my parents would feed me anything they scraped up on the highway in front of our house. Now that I’m older I only like Venison, muskrat, bob cat and, wild turkey road kill. Besides, you don’t want to eat any road kill my dad cleans because he tends to leave a lot of pieces of pavement in the meat. I just lost a gold crown so those little pieces of stone really hurt if I bite down on them just right.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Carrie and Sherrie
Carrie: Most blogs and news outlets are reporting the balloon boy hoax as entertainment news. It is I suppose entertainment news if you are a moron. It is like having to go listen to Hannah Montana sing with my 11 year old sister. The Disney people need to serve some type of stiff drinks to the adults that have to sit through an HM concert.
Sherrie: You know I think I would have made a good Hannah Montana. I can’t sing but, I can dance around pretty good.
Carrie: Well this year vampire movies and TV shows are the craze. Unfortunately most of these movies and shows are not too good.
Sherrie: Most of the vampire stuff is just silly. I wonder what people would do if they ran into a real vampire.
Carrie: I know what I would do. I’d say please Mr. Vampire; bite my fat twin sister instead of me. She could stand to loose a few pounds.
Sherrie: I’m not fat! And no vampire would touch my twin sister unless they like the taste of Clearasil.
Carrie: Now let’s not get personal.
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