NEW STIMULUS PLAN UNVEILED

IN THE NEWS NEWS
This week President Obama unveiled his long awaited stimulus program. This program is a 75 billion dollar plan that will among other things, help to refurbish our nations decaying infrastructure. Many have said that this bill will cost far too much money and would be very wasteful of taxpayer dollars. President Obama responded by saying that he planed for the money to be spent wisely. Several of the nations Governors said they did not like that plan and would not take part in it.

BUSINESS NEWS
The Dow Jones Industrials sank 99.58 points today to a new yearly low of 7316.23. The Dow tumbled all week because tired and angry traders couldn't get any coffee before work since all the nearby coffee shops have closed because of the Depression. This cause and effect may continue as stocks fall and coffee houses close in a never ending spiral downward until you hit the bottom.

Standard Financial Corp. has been accused of running a Ponzi scheme that bilked thousands of investors out of more than 8 billion dollars. Actually, I believe the word Ponzi was a misspelling and the name of the scheme should either be Fonzi or Potsi. So it either is a Fonzi scheme or a Potsi scheme. Of course a Fonzi scheme was always really cleaver and would not have been found out but, a Potsi scheme was always fraught with disaster so a Potsi scheme it must be. Besides, if it were a Fonzi scheme that created a big mess who would have the guts to say so. Of course, I’d rather blame Ralph because I never really liked him.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
The Detroit Red Wings are still first in the Central Division with 38 wins with Chicago trailing with a mere 33 wins. The Detroit Pistons are second in their division with 27 wins with Cleveland ahead with 41 wins. Still, to my friends on the Detroit Lions team, "at least the Pistons won some games".

Several major universities have had to cut their ticket prices in order to insure that fans continue to come to their games. The University of Michigan has cut their prices for season ticket holders from $53.57 to a nice even $50.00. What is up with that? A $3.57 cut is not going to entice anyone to come to the game that wasn’t already willing to pay the full amount. I can’t buy a descent chaw of tobacco for that. Maybe you can’t find anybody at your high faluting doctor and lawyering University that can count back change? You guys need to go to community college. That’s where I leaned to count back change. Then after graduation, almost everyone in my class got a job at the town’s largest employer, Burger King.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Funny thing this week, all of our computers came down with a computer virus (I think my brother spilled his pop on my lap top while I was in the bathroom) and we haven’t gotten them to work yet so we thought we were sunk. But, as luck would have it, the kid that delivers the papers took my bothers old Atari 2600, deleted the “Space Invaders” game from it, took some parts off of our Mr. Coffee coffee maker and Walla, we have a functioning e-machine with just a few little space monsters burned permanently into the screen.

CELEBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
The new movie “Friday the Thirteenth” (a remake of an old movie) is set to be another slasher, monster movie hit. I was going to send my brother Mike out to see the movie but, we don’t have enough money for a ticket (having paid the paper kid $15.00 to fix us up a computer). Mike decided that since Crystal Lake, the place where the movie took place, was just 15 miles oven into Benzie County, he’d just take a trip over there to see if he could interview the movies main star, Jason Voorhees.

Mike hitch hiked over to Crystal Lake but, found the lake was frozen over. It always is in February. Mike was really, really cold and really, really hungry. There were a lot of cottages around the lake but, everyone was gone for the winter. Mike was cold hungry and tired. It was nearly 200 feet to the nearest town. Mike decided he had to do something drastic.

The first cottage Mike broke into had food (Cream of Wheat cereal, Mike’s favorite) but, no stove to cook it on. The second cottage had a stove and Cream of Wheat cereal but, it was cold since the furnace didn’t work. The third cottage Mike broke into had cereal, a stove, a working furnace and, a nice soft bed for Mike to take a nap in after eating three bowls of Cream of Wheat cereal. Mike didn’t have a chance to look for Mr. Voorhees since the Sheriff came, woke Mike up, and took him off to jail. Now I have to go and try to bail him out with my over limit credit card or he’ll miss the final episode of “Battle Star Galactica”. Maybe I’ll just let him sit there and I’ll watch “World Wide Wrestling” instead.