THE CLONES FROM BRAZIL

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well it seems Governor Sarah Palin has said that President Obama should have his place of birth looked into. President Obama was born in Hawaii which is of course owned by the Japanese. We traded Hawaii to the Japanese in exchange for Disneyland. But, Governor Palin admits to being from Alaska which is a part of Canada. All you have to do is look on any map and you can see Alaska is connected to Canada and not the United States. I believe we traded Alaska for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. All the people up there speak Canadian English and call themselves “Yooppers” which is the old Viking word for Canadians.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
What about that Tiger Woods? He’s married and still has all those girlfriends. I’m single and I can’t even get a girl to go to a movie with me or to buy my drinks at the bar. I guess there’s no sport in it for women to date a poor guy who is single. Of course I wouldn’t be poor if I could find a way to get Tiger Woods to call me son and let me call him daddy. The problem is that Tiger is about 30 years old and I’m 25 years old and the math just doesn’t work out. Unless, Tiger was caught in some alien space/time vortex and went back in time like that guy in the first Terminator movie. I think I’ll continue to explore this time travel scenario. I’ll do some more research by watching the SyFy channel.

Oh well, I don’t think golf is a real manly sport anyway. A really manly sport would be something like lawn jarts or smear the deer. I’ve gone to the emergency room many times after playing lawn jarts with my brothers. My brother Mike still holds the record for the most blood lost during a lawn jarts tournament.

Besides lawn jarts, smear the deer is a really manly game played by guys like me in Northern Michigan. The game is a little like regular football in that you use a football to play with. The way the game is played is that a football is thrown into the air and a guy catches it and runs like a deer while about 30 guys chase him down and slam the runners’ body into the ground. It is always best not to be running on pavement or concrete when you are caught. Usually, only the skinny geeky guys do all running while the huskier guys like me do the chasing and the body slamming. The skinny geeky guys have good jobs like accountants or engineers so they have pretty good dental insurance.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
There was positive news this week on the labor front. It seems that unemployment rate is finally going down. It seems a lot of retailers are hiring again. Down at the U Steel We Fence Pawn Shop I was told that they took on two more employees and would be open 24 hours a day until Christmas. I was also told that because of all the foreclosures people were bringing in a lot of kitchen cabinets, bathroom fixtures and, copper pipe to pawn. It seems that a lot of people take mementos from the houses they loose to the banks but, decide later that they don’t want to transport all that stuff to another state of country.

Many people have been buying up gold as a hedge against the weakening U.S. dollar. I on the other hand, have been hiding dollar off pizza coupons under my mattress. What’s great about the pizza coupons versus gold is that gold costs a lot of money to purchase and I get the pizza coupons for free. I just go across the street to the local pizza joint and pick up a couple thousand of their flyers at a time. Each flyers has like four dollar-off coupons in it s each trip to the pizza joint is worth like $8,000 in coupons. I feel like I’m raiding Fort Knox.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
I predict there will be a lot of snow before the end of the year. It will be great for people who ski and snow board. It won’t be so great for people like me who live in trailers with flat roofs. I’ll have to get out my ladder and try to keep the snow cleared off or I’ll be sleeping one night and wake up with a pile of snow on my face. In addition to my fear of a cave-in, I live in such a cheap trailer park that I don’t have a place to park my car and keep it out of the snow. I’ll have to clear a foot of snow off my vehicle every time I want to go out. Sometimes being a psychic and seeing what will happen in the future to your car and trailer when it snows is a real pain in the crystal balls. That’s right I have two of them. That way if one ball gives me a particular prediction I can check the prediction out by gazing into my other crystal ball.

TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
A former Nazis scientist guy, who is living in Brazil, has come up with a way to get rid of hunger. It seems this genetic scientist and expert on human cloning, has developed a way to get stem cells to reprogram the DNA in a human stomach so that crops can be grown. The first experiment allowed a human to grow an apple in his stomach. Another experiment had a human grow an ear of corn. It seems that the human stomach lining can be programmed to grow almost any type of fruit, vegetable or possibly even meat, fish and dairy products. Unfortunately, the experiments had to be shut down by authorities when it was found out that the scientist really only wanted to grow billions of little baby boys with funny little mustaches. The scientist claimed that he was only trying to create some boys from Brazil in order to form the next hit Latin boy band.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
How about those party crashers at the White House? Wasn’t that babe really hot? She can crash any party I have anytime as long as she leaves her husband at home to watch the kids or something.

Well the vampire movies are still doing well. I want to get the latest Star Trek movie on Blue Ray. I hope Seven of Nine is in this one. The last Star Trek show on TV should have brought back Seven of Nine instead of Data. If Seven of Nine would have been on that show it would still be on TV today. I think all guys would like to date a cyber woman. I know I would. I’ve already dated a female vampire, a Goth girl and a witch. I must be ready for a technology upgrade by now. I just hope that all the Borg ladies are equipped with Windows 7 by now. Of course with my luck my new Borg girlfriend would be programmed with Windows Vista. Of course if she had Apple technology my girlfriend could maybe double as an Iphone and an Ipod. Maybe I could hook her up to satellite or cable. That way I could bundle.