LOU DOBBS HAS BEEN DON IMUSED OFF THE AIR

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
LOU DOBBS IS IMUSED
A tragedy befell the cable news industry this week. It seems Lou Dobbs will no longer be anchoring The Lou Dobbs Show on CNN. CNN immediately tried to get Al Franken to reprise his role as news commentator/entertainer but, he has already committed to a six year contract in the Senate. In other words Senator Franken wants to perfect his comedic talents by attending clown school.

The real tragedy of the untimely demise of the Lou Dobbs organization is that now I will have to find someone else to steal material from. Whenever Lou would start complaining about aliens I would just take his material and put the word “space” in front of alien. That would better fit the venue of this organization. Now you will never again hear complaints from me about “undocumented” space “aliens”. I tried this week to use the material of Glenn Beck on Fox but, after listening to Mr. Beck I believe he is a space alien or something. He really gets into his material and his eyes get really wild like Marty Feldman’s’ eyes in “Young Frankenstein”. I just hope he doesn’t operate with an “Abbey Normal” brain.

BUSINESS NEWS
THE GOVENOR PALIN INTERVIEW
By Tim Colin
Sarah Palin is set to make big bucks with her new book “Going Rouge”. This week she kicked off her book tour in Grand Rapids Michigan where millions of supporters and reporters gathered for the event. Since I am editor of “Humor News Nuts” I decided to send myself to Grand Rapids to see if I could get an interview with the former Governor of Alaska.

The day before Sarah Palin was to appear; I drove down to Grand Rapids and checked into a hotel. The problem with Grand Rapids is that it is a Dutch community and the Dutch like to build windmills all over the place including in the middle of the freeway. I was driving along at 90 mph when suddenly I slammed into a windmill that was in the middle of the highway. Then, I woke up in my hotel room and it was light outside. The only thing I remembered from the night before is that I went to the hotel lounge and drank something called “the crooked windmill”. I remember someone at the bar telling me that after the first “crooked windmill” the room would spin around. Then, after the second drink you would not be able to stand up straight. Finally, after the third drink the night would be all over.

Well, I never made it to the Sarah Palin book signing and consequently I never got my interview with the famous candidate. However, the trip was not a total waste of time and money. I did get my Christmas shopping done and I didn’t even have to leave the hotel. I picked up a bible for my mom and some nice towels for my dad. My brother Ted is going to get some really nice little soaps while, my brother Mike needs a new toothbrush and toothpaste really bad so, I picked up a brush and a small tube of paste for him. I also picked up a small bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner in case I get a girlfriend between now and Christmas and have to get her a gift.

SPROTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 2 wins and 8 losses. The Detroit Pistons have 5 wins and 9 losses. The Detroit Red Wings have 11 wins and 6 losses. With all this dismal news it is great the Central Michigan University, a MAC school, has 9 wins and 2 losses overall which is the best of any football team in the conference. Well, in a state with nearly 20% unemployment you have to find some good news to look forward to reading in the sports pages. Other than for the comics, the sports section is the only reason to even read a newspaper.

If I didn’t have sports and comics to read I’d never bother picking the newspaper up off the bathroom floor in the morning when I eat at the local Burger King. Some guy that uses the first stall everyday always leaves his paper behind for other customers to read. Sometimes he leaves part of his sandwich or hash brown behind rolled up in the newspaper. On those days I get my breakfast for free. There are humanitarians in this world.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, that new vampire movie “New Moon” is going to be a big hit. It’s a real romantic movie and all the women I know want to see it. It seem that women now days don’t want a normal guy with a good job. Instead, they want some good looking bloodsucker. I’ve been married to bloodsuckers before and that’s one of the reasons I’m living in a red neck trailer park today instead of a nice two story in a middleclass subdivision.

My parents wanted me to marry this skinny accountant guy but oh no, I had to marry the guy with tattoos all over his big biceps. After five years of marriage and a thousand cases of PBR beer, his biceps fell down into his belly. I got tired of people asking me when my husband was expecting so, I dumped him.

THE MICHIGAN OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.

I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but; my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.

Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.