IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well so far, after our preemptive attack upon the moon men last Friday, we have not suffered any apparent counter attack. It is unclear whether or not the moon facility that was allegedly creating an anti-matter weapon was destroyed. This is the only publication that seems to be reporting this story. All others have been repeating the government cover story that the explosions were supposed to churn up measurable amounts of water at the north pole of the moon. Of course this is rubbish. Our government has said that America will not be returning to the moon any time soon. So why would we be measuring for water when we are not going back there?
I decided to contact our scientific advisor to get his thoughts on the recent attack. Dr. Alyar is the best scientist I know and the only one that actually received government money to study ancient alien brain cells that have been fossilized into petoskey stones. The Doctor was difficult to contact since he is currently in prison for fraud and income tax evasion.
Once contacted, the doctor was quick to volunteer information for ten dollars. I offered to send him five bucks and he agreed to give me his scientific opinion regarding a possible retaliation by the moon creatures. The doctor said that “the moon creatures may not attack the earth by using conventional weapons. Instead they may use a negative mind-meld with the people of America which will cause them severe psychological problems. Americans may become paranoid schizophrenics who are so gullible that they will believe almost any crackpot idea on TV or the Internet.”
So there you have it. We have been attacked on a psychic level. That’s why we are so gullible that we believe the attack on the lunar pole was a scientific experiment instead of a preemptive strike against a superior race of beings, which are refining anti-matter to create a death star.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market roared to record yearly highs this week as the DJIA surpassed 10,000. It seems that the lack of a counter attack by the Giant Leap (moon creatures) served to bolster economic confidence. “This was like a celebration after defeating the Nazis in World War Two,” one investor noted.
One possible indication that not everyone is satisfied that the moon people will not anhilate us are those bidding up the price of gold this week. It is hard to understand what good gold will do you after your planet has been blown to bits by a death star.
In other business news, the health care debate goes on and on and on. Many people are literally getting sick of hearing about the debate. Don’t the people in Congress work with any kind of deadline. Maybe they just want to prolong our agony by their attempts at public debate. Based upon their skills at thinking on their feet, I think that Congressmen should submit all their answers to today’s most pressing problems in writing and in the form of a question. Then, let the judges on the game show “Jeopardy” decide if the Congressmen are right or wrong. Maybe the “Jeopardy” music during the final round would speed up some of the Congressional Membership.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 1 win and four losses. On Sunday Detroit will play at Green Bay. In Michigan you can’t buy beer until noon on Sunday so I don’t think I’ll be ready to watch the Lions play at one o’clock. I won’t say anymore. Good Luck Lions and good luck to the fans.
In Michigan college football: Michigan has a total of 4 wins and two losses, Michigan State has 3 wins and 3 losses and Little Central Michigan has 5 wins and one loss. CMU leads the MAC conference with a total of 5 wins and 1 loss. On Saturday CMU faces Western Michigan University. This is usually a really good game each year. CMU and Western are like cross town rivals in Michigan. After their win over Michigan State I will be betting on the Chips but, I’m not counting out a really tough football school like Western Michigan. Also, I’m picking Notre Damn over USC this weekend only because the Fighting Irish are in the Mid-West.
LOCAL NEWS
By Mike Colin
Well, we did not have much of a fall color season. The leaves turned brown and fell off the trees. It’s been dismal, cold and rainy up North. There were a few sightings of the Frankenmoose over the last couple of weeks. Several area towns have been celebrating Oktoberfest on the weekends. It seems at every Oktoberfest where there is a beer tent there are witnesses that say they saw the Frankenmoose. Now the Frankenmoose does love beer and bratwurst but, he is supposed to be incarcerated at area 91 which lies beneath the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. Maybe the Frankenmoose has escaped area 91 and the Men in Black? If he has he had better watch out because deer rifle season starts pretty soon.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
I’ve been busy polishing up Petoskey stones and selling them online. I don’t intend on becoming the next online millionaire but, between selling stuff online and my psychic readings, I’m finally working my way through this recession. I just need to find some cheap help to polish more stones up.
I’m predicting snow next week. I know it’s early but the spirits never lie. Well, my dead relatives lie to me all the time so I try not to dial them up. They call me. I never try to contact them. They mostly nag. My aunt Rose hates my hair. My aunt Violet keeps telling me I drink too much and my aunt Pansy told me my first husband didn’t like women. I know that. That’s why I dumped him.
So kids, don’t be so fast about wanting to talk to dead people. I know it’s real popular right now but, you don’t know who might show up. Even worse, around Halloween you don’t know what might show up.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Wow, wouldn’t it be cool to be a little kid and take off in a weather balloon built by your crazy old man. Especially one built out of tin foil and shaped like a flying saucer. That story was so cool and I felt sorry for the kid when I found out he really wasn’t in the balloon. I’d take a ride in that balloon in a minute if I ever got the chance. Of course it might take a little more helium in it to lift me off the ground.
I tried to take a helicopter ride this summer. I had the ticket and everything. I showed up bright and early that day for my trip over Grand Traverse Bay. The pilot, who also owned the helicopter, took one look at me and refunded my money. He told me I needed to charter a military transport helicopter in order to get off the ground. I think he was referring to my weight. I don’t know why I’m so big. I don’t eat nearly as much as my mom and yet we’re both about the same size.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Sherri and Carrie
Sherri: I went to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” It was not what I expected. It’s a kid’s movie. I thought it was some sort of fraternity/sorority crazy vampire flick. Boy was I wrong.
Carrie: And I bet a lot of guys will feel kind of stupid if they take their date to a kids flick. Unless of course the guy is under 12 years old.
Sherri: Most guys are mentally under 12 years old. I still like “Zombieland”. That’s a fun flick.
Carrie: “Zombieland” is about the only recent movie out there right now that is kind of a halloweenie flick.
Sherri: Yeah, only two more weeks and it’s Halloween and not much for new halloweenie flicks coming out. The Halloweener people in Hollywood must be on strike this year.
Carrie: Maybe fewer halloweenie movies will mean there will be more Halloween parties. A party is always better than a movie.
Sherri: Unless of course it’s a Star Trek movie.
Carrie: You got that right sister.
Showing posts with label DETROIT SPORTS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DETROIT SPORTS. Show all posts
Friday, April 16, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
LOU DOBBS HAS BEEN DON IMUSED OFF THE AIR
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
LOU DOBBS IS IMUSED
A tragedy befell the cable news industry this week. It seems Lou Dobbs will no longer be anchoring The Lou Dobbs Show on CNN. CNN immediately tried to get Al Franken to reprise his role as news commentator/entertainer but, he has already committed to a six year contract in the Senate. In other words Senator Franken wants to perfect his comedic talents by attending clown school.
The real tragedy of the untimely demise of the Lou Dobbs organization is that now I will have to find someone else to steal material from. Whenever Lou would start complaining about aliens I would just take his material and put the word “space” in front of alien. That would better fit the venue of this organization. Now you will never again hear complaints from me about “undocumented” space “aliens”. I tried this week to use the material of Glenn Beck on Fox but, after listening to Mr. Beck I believe he is a space alien or something. He really gets into his material and his eyes get really wild like Marty Feldman’s’ eyes in “Young Frankenstein”. I just hope he doesn’t operate with an “Abbey Normal” brain.
BUSINESS NEWS
THE GOVENOR PALIN INTERVIEW
By Tim Colin
Sarah Palin is set to make big bucks with her new book “Going Rouge”. This week she kicked off her book tour in Grand Rapids Michigan where millions of supporters and reporters gathered for the event. Since I am editor of “Humor News Nuts” I decided to send myself to Grand Rapids to see if I could get an interview with the former Governor of Alaska.
The day before Sarah Palin was to appear; I drove down to Grand Rapids and checked into a hotel. The problem with Grand Rapids is that it is a Dutch community and the Dutch like to build windmills all over the place including in the middle of the freeway. I was driving along at 90 mph when suddenly I slammed into a windmill that was in the middle of the highway. Then, I woke up in my hotel room and it was light outside. The only thing I remembered from the night before is that I went to the hotel lounge and drank something called “the crooked windmill”. I remember someone at the bar telling me that after the first “crooked windmill” the room would spin around. Then, after the second drink you would not be able to stand up straight. Finally, after the third drink the night would be all over.
Well, I never made it to the Sarah Palin book signing and consequently I never got my interview with the famous candidate. However, the trip was not a total waste of time and money. I did get my Christmas shopping done and I didn’t even have to leave the hotel. I picked up a bible for my mom and some nice towels for my dad. My brother Ted is going to get some really nice little soaps while, my brother Mike needs a new toothbrush and toothpaste really bad so, I picked up a brush and a small tube of paste for him. I also picked up a small bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner in case I get a girlfriend between now and Christmas and have to get her a gift.
SPROTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 2 wins and 8 losses. The Detroit Pistons have 5 wins and 9 losses. The Detroit Red Wings have 11 wins and 6 losses. With all this dismal news it is great the Central Michigan University, a MAC school, has 9 wins and 2 losses overall which is the best of any football team in the conference. Well, in a state with nearly 20% unemployment you have to find some good news to look forward to reading in the sports pages. Other than for the comics, the sports section is the only reason to even read a newspaper.
If I didn’t have sports and comics to read I’d never bother picking the newspaper up off the bathroom floor in the morning when I eat at the local Burger King. Some guy that uses the first stall everyday always leaves his paper behind for other customers to read. Sometimes he leaves part of his sandwich or hash brown behind rolled up in the newspaper. On those days I get my breakfast for free. There are humanitarians in this world.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, that new vampire movie “New Moon” is going to be a big hit. It’s a real romantic movie and all the women I know want to see it. It seem that women now days don’t want a normal guy with a good job. Instead, they want some good looking bloodsucker. I’ve been married to bloodsuckers before and that’s one of the reasons I’m living in a red neck trailer park today instead of a nice two story in a middleclass subdivision.
My parents wanted me to marry this skinny accountant guy but oh no, I had to marry the guy with tattoos all over his big biceps. After five years of marriage and a thousand cases of PBR beer, his biceps fell down into his belly. I got tired of people asking me when my husband was expecting so, I dumped him.
THE MICHIGAN OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.
I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but; my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.
Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.
By Ted Colin
LOU DOBBS IS IMUSED
A tragedy befell the cable news industry this week. It seems Lou Dobbs will no longer be anchoring The Lou Dobbs Show on CNN. CNN immediately tried to get Al Franken to reprise his role as news commentator/entertainer but, he has already committed to a six year contract in the Senate. In other words Senator Franken wants to perfect his comedic talents by attending clown school.
The real tragedy of the untimely demise of the Lou Dobbs organization is that now I will have to find someone else to steal material from. Whenever Lou would start complaining about aliens I would just take his material and put the word “space” in front of alien. That would better fit the venue of this organization. Now you will never again hear complaints from me about “undocumented” space “aliens”. I tried this week to use the material of Glenn Beck on Fox but, after listening to Mr. Beck I believe he is a space alien or something. He really gets into his material and his eyes get really wild like Marty Feldman’s’ eyes in “Young Frankenstein”. I just hope he doesn’t operate with an “Abbey Normal” brain.
BUSINESS NEWS
THE GOVENOR PALIN INTERVIEW
By Tim Colin
Sarah Palin is set to make big bucks with her new book “Going Rouge”. This week she kicked off her book tour in Grand Rapids Michigan where millions of supporters and reporters gathered for the event. Since I am editor of “Humor News Nuts” I decided to send myself to Grand Rapids to see if I could get an interview with the former Governor of Alaska.
The day before Sarah Palin was to appear; I drove down to Grand Rapids and checked into a hotel. The problem with Grand Rapids is that it is a Dutch community and the Dutch like to build windmills all over the place including in the middle of the freeway. I was driving along at 90 mph when suddenly I slammed into a windmill that was in the middle of the highway. Then, I woke up in my hotel room and it was light outside. The only thing I remembered from the night before is that I went to the hotel lounge and drank something called “the crooked windmill”. I remember someone at the bar telling me that after the first “crooked windmill” the room would spin around. Then, after the second drink you would not be able to stand up straight. Finally, after the third drink the night would be all over.
Well, I never made it to the Sarah Palin book signing and consequently I never got my interview with the famous candidate. However, the trip was not a total waste of time and money. I did get my Christmas shopping done and I didn’t even have to leave the hotel. I picked up a bible for my mom and some nice towels for my dad. My brother Ted is going to get some really nice little soaps while, my brother Mike needs a new toothbrush and toothpaste really bad so, I picked up a brush and a small tube of paste for him. I also picked up a small bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner in case I get a girlfriend between now and Christmas and have to get her a gift.
SPROTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 2 wins and 8 losses. The Detroit Pistons have 5 wins and 9 losses. The Detroit Red Wings have 11 wins and 6 losses. With all this dismal news it is great the Central Michigan University, a MAC school, has 9 wins and 2 losses overall which is the best of any football team in the conference. Well, in a state with nearly 20% unemployment you have to find some good news to look forward to reading in the sports pages. Other than for the comics, the sports section is the only reason to even read a newspaper.
If I didn’t have sports and comics to read I’d never bother picking the newspaper up off the bathroom floor in the morning when I eat at the local Burger King. Some guy that uses the first stall everyday always leaves his paper behind for other customers to read. Sometimes he leaves part of his sandwich or hash brown behind rolled up in the newspaper. On those days I get my breakfast for free. There are humanitarians in this world.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, that new vampire movie “New Moon” is going to be a big hit. It’s a real romantic movie and all the women I know want to see it. It seem that women now days don’t want a normal guy with a good job. Instead, they want some good looking bloodsucker. I’ve been married to bloodsuckers before and that’s one of the reasons I’m living in a red neck trailer park today instead of a nice two story in a middleclass subdivision.
My parents wanted me to marry this skinny accountant guy but oh no, I had to marry the guy with tattoos all over his big biceps. After five years of marriage and a thousand cases of PBR beer, his biceps fell down into his belly. I got tired of people asking me when my husband was expecting so, I dumped him.
THE MICHIGAN OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.
I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but; my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.
Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
21 YEARS AFTER THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER ATTACKED
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
This week the Obama administration announced that it was moving its proposed missile shield from Eastern Europe out to mobile ships at sea. The shield is not really a shield at all, like a force field in Star Trek or Star Wars. It is instead made up of thousands of tiny rocket ships that are supposed to hit and destroy any missiles coming out of Iran or Iraq or some other country that has a name starting with the pronoun “I”. Next, we’ll have to invade Iceland. Maybe we should go after the Ipod community. During the Clinton years we attacked Yugoslavia which starts with the pronoun “You”. I see a pattern here. I hope the next nation on the list isn’t Italy.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
Well my brother was partly right about the MSU and CMU game last weekend. He thought it would be a good game but, MSU would win in the end. Well, it was a pretty messy game in terms of funky plays but, CMU ended up winning. I had a little too much beer bong to remember the details but, I remember thinking at the time “what in the heck are you people from Mid-Michigan doing?” Well, it worked.
I might not be as great a davenport potato sports watcher as my brother Tim but, I’m going to be joining a dart league to play this winter. I’m a great athlete when it comes to darts and lawn jarts. I would have formed a lawn jart league this summer but, my brother Mike kept having to be taken to the emergency room. It seems he believes he should try to block the incoming lawn jarts. He does the same thing when we play horse shoes.
In pro sports, the Lions lost to New Orleans 27-45. They will play Minnesota on September 20th. The Tigers are still up by about 4 games in their division. They will play a triple header with Minnesota on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim is sick this week so the rest of us have to do more work to get this blog published. I don’t know anything about Wall Street so I’m not going to mention it. Oops, I guess I just mentioned it (ha, ha, LOL).
I did start a tour guide business in order to make some quick cash. I’ve been taking people around to see sights like Old Skeggy, the Skegmog Lake Monster, the Sand Dunes and the quicksand holes that my brother and I found a couple of weeks ago. I charge $10.00 each for the entire tour which, I think is real reasonable. I have gas expense plus, I have to buy a bucket of Chicken from KFC in order to get Old Skeggy to appear. I did learn early on that I needed to collect my money before I gave the tour and not wait until it was over. It seems everyone just takes off and disappears when we get to the quicksand holes. I guess they are just board but, I don’t know how they make it back to town. I always wait around at the van but, no one ever shows up so I go home having banked some quick bucks. Maybe, if I get some repeat business and through word of mouth; my tour guide business might grow and become a way for me to make a living.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Ted Colin
Today is the 21st anniversary of the creation of the Frankenmoose monster. Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leapt out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human, Teamster driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.
A Dr. Stein Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. The doctor had just retuned from a beer festival in Frankenmuth and still had his lederhosen on. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slams into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival. The resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of a human being. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.
Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. The creature escaped the barn the doctor had it in and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chewing on any grass fans brought with them into the stadium.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful narcotic into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game. The monster was taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Suttons Bay Michigan.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.
Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.
I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.
I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.
I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.
In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Halle Barry allowed herself to an interview on the new Jay Leno show. Jay was lucky to get a great actress on his show. The first night of his new show Jay Leno had Seinfeld on. My mom loves Jerry Seinfeld. I relate more to Neumann myself.
Talk about action actors I relate to, Bruce Willis is coming out with a new Sci-fi flick called Surrogates. It is something to do with humans living out their lives through androids. It should be pretty good. Bruce Willis movies usually move along real fast and they are not full of a bunch of guys trying to get in touch with their inner emotions. That is unless your inner emotions cause you to want to kick the crap out of bad guys. I doubt I get a date for this movie.
By Ted Colin
This week the Obama administration announced that it was moving its proposed missile shield from Eastern Europe out to mobile ships at sea. The shield is not really a shield at all, like a force field in Star Trek or Star Wars. It is instead made up of thousands of tiny rocket ships that are supposed to hit and destroy any missiles coming out of Iran or Iraq or some other country that has a name starting with the pronoun “I”. Next, we’ll have to invade Iceland. Maybe we should go after the Ipod community. During the Clinton years we attacked Yugoslavia which starts with the pronoun “You”. I see a pattern here. I hope the next nation on the list isn’t Italy.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
Well my brother was partly right about the MSU and CMU game last weekend. He thought it would be a good game but, MSU would win in the end. Well, it was a pretty messy game in terms of funky plays but, CMU ended up winning. I had a little too much beer bong to remember the details but, I remember thinking at the time “what in the heck are you people from Mid-Michigan doing?” Well, it worked.
I might not be as great a davenport potato sports watcher as my brother Tim but, I’m going to be joining a dart league to play this winter. I’m a great athlete when it comes to darts and lawn jarts. I would have formed a lawn jart league this summer but, my brother Mike kept having to be taken to the emergency room. It seems he believes he should try to block the incoming lawn jarts. He does the same thing when we play horse shoes.
In pro sports, the Lions lost to New Orleans 27-45. They will play Minnesota on September 20th. The Tigers are still up by about 4 games in their division. They will play a triple header with Minnesota on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim is sick this week so the rest of us have to do more work to get this blog published. I don’t know anything about Wall Street so I’m not going to mention it. Oops, I guess I just mentioned it (ha, ha, LOL).
I did start a tour guide business in order to make some quick cash. I’ve been taking people around to see sights like Old Skeggy, the Skegmog Lake Monster, the Sand Dunes and the quicksand holes that my brother and I found a couple of weeks ago. I charge $10.00 each for the entire tour which, I think is real reasonable. I have gas expense plus, I have to buy a bucket of Chicken from KFC in order to get Old Skeggy to appear. I did learn early on that I needed to collect my money before I gave the tour and not wait until it was over. It seems everyone just takes off and disappears when we get to the quicksand holes. I guess they are just board but, I don’t know how they make it back to town. I always wait around at the van but, no one ever shows up so I go home having banked some quick bucks. Maybe, if I get some repeat business and through word of mouth; my tour guide business might grow and become a way for me to make a living.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Ted Colin
Today is the 21st anniversary of the creation of the Frankenmoose monster. Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leapt out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human, Teamster driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.
A Dr. Stein Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. The doctor had just retuned from a beer festival in Frankenmuth and still had his lederhosen on. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slams into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival. The resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of a human being. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.
Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. The creature escaped the barn the doctor had it in and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chewing on any grass fans brought with them into the stadium.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful narcotic into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game. The monster was taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Suttons Bay Michigan.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.
Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.
I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.
I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.
I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.
In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Halle Barry allowed herself to an interview on the new Jay Leno show. Jay was lucky to get a great actress on his show. The first night of his new show Jay Leno had Seinfeld on. My mom loves Jerry Seinfeld. I relate more to Neumann myself.
Talk about action actors I relate to, Bruce Willis is coming out with a new Sci-fi flick called Surrogates. It is something to do with humans living out their lives through androids. It should be pretty good. Bruce Willis movies usually move along real fast and they are not full of a bunch of guys trying to get in touch with their inner emotions. That is unless your inner emotions cause you to want to kick the crap out of bad guys. I doubt I get a date for this movie.
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