THE BIG HACK ATTACK

by TIM COLIN
SENIOR EDITOR/PUBLISHER
HUMOR NEWS NUTS PUBLICATIONS

I have just been following the big hacking story involving a fellow media giant.  It seems that because of a particular movie's release a foreign government has hacked into the IT network of a major company and is at this moment posting pilfered information to the internet.  Much of this information is supposed to be about celebrities like Angelina Jolie.   I for one have been scouring the internet for pictures but, I haven't found any pilfered photos of any major star.  I did find a picture of General Patton in a tank top.  (LOL).  I will continue my investigation of pilfered celebrity photos.

In regards to the moral and legal issues of hacking into a media outlet's stored data all I have to say is that HNS has been hacked several times.  In fact, if it weren't for hackers we probably wouldn't have any visitors to our websites.  We may be famous but, we're definitely not popular.   It's just like in high school when everyone knows who you are and they avoid you.  Knowing the truth about other worldly beings makes for a long and lonely life.

So, I don't mind the attention my publications receive from hackers at all.   I even enjoy spam.  In fact, the only e-mail I receive is spam and I don't knock spam because sometimes you can get really great deals from spam ads.  I can hardly wait until I've scraped $500 around to send in so I can get my free trip to Bermuda.  It's a limited time offer so I'm going to have to sell something fast to raise the cash.

As far as who hacks into our computers I can tell you that we've been hacked at least once by a major foreign government.  I can't tell you the name of the government online but, I'll give you a really big hint.   The government that hacked our system is a nuclear power and it has at least one letter (A) in its name.

Now, the hack by this government (whom I will refer to as "government A") was quite substantial.  We are pretty certain that government A was after information regarding aliens from outer space and they went deep into our oldest system (powered by a Commodore 64).  Unfortunately, government A downloaded a version of a Ping-Pong game that had an old computer virus attached to it.  This old virus was immune from all the modern anti-virus filters and infected the entire defense network of government A and all the other major nations  who were hacking government A's computer system.   The result was that all the defense computers in the world adjusted their warfare strategies to match those of a Ping-Pong player.  Of course if one player or the other were to miss the little electronic ball being batted back and forth then, all the missiles in the world would simultaneously launch and every life form on earth will die.

So, the results of this hack almost caused a global thermal nuclear event.  Fortunately for the world, little Patty Ellenberger who delivers our paper and also maintains our computer system, was able to hack into government A's defense computer and create a loop in the Ping-Pong game so that every hit by one paddle would result in a save and a hit back by the paddle on the other side thereby, thwarting a catastrophe.   At least the catastrophe is thwarted as long as the loop remains running.  Of course this means that every major nuclear power has people sitting in a war room watching a giant black and white screen with an electronic ball being slowly batted from an electronic paddle on the right to an electronic paddle on the left and then back again.  

SAY GOODBYE TO UNCLE OSLO: HE WENT OUT WITH A BANG

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well it is almost official. Nearly every state in the union is working to pass some sort of law to test future presidential candidates to see if they are really human or, if they are some sort of alien avatar that is seeking to suck out our brain cells and replace them with seed pods. It is of course too late to do anything about people in congress. Most of them had some kind of acid reflux disease in college which rendered them incapable of holding down a real job. Many people believe that it is impossible to get the attention of our congress. I disagree. Just shine some headlights at them and they will stand there and stare into the lights for hours.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
I hate it when Ted gets all political in his columns. Then, I have to read more e-mail complaints then we even have readers. So, for all you people out there who enjoy staring into headlights for hours, I most humbly apologize.

It seems that the stock market is not doing well because some countries over in Europe are about ready to go all 1970’s South America and declare bankruptcy. I guess things are so bad that the U.S. sent past Columbian dictator Manuel Noriega over to France to straighten things out for the Europeans. “Firing Squads VS the guillotine” should be a pretty good show for some histories greatest warriors cable show. Noriega and his firing squads and the French and their guillotine might sound good when you read it on the TV channel but, I think I’d put my money on the firing squad.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
The greatest outdoorsman I have ever known has died in a tragic underground explosion. I am of course talking about my Great Uncle Oslo. Uncle Oslo was a hunting and fishing maverick. He invented new ways to hunt and fish faster than the government could pass laws to ban them. Thanks to Uncle Oslo you can no longer hunt geese using lawn jarts or, use horse shoes to hunt chickadees. His electric chair for the snow shoe hair was once featured in “The Alternative Hunter Magazine.” He was also on 60 Minutes before he went to jail for helping his friend, Dr. Kevorkian.

The local police believe that Oslo was blown up by a still he kept hidden in an old bear cave. My aunt told me that in fact, Uncle Oslo was getting ready to go fishing and was busy making up some home made dynamite when the explosion occurred. My dad said Uncle Oslo would be alive today if he had only stuck to the old family recipe for making dynamite instead of downloading one off the internet.

There is some good to come out of the tragic death of my uncle. It seems that Uncle Oslo never told anyone as to whether he wanted his remains cremated or buried after he died. Well, since his body was instantly vaporized in the blast and then the ashes were buried when the bear cave caved in, one way or the other my uncle’s final wishes have been carried out.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
Well, I think next month is going to be hot. Talk about hot; I just got back from those desert states down south and out west. After a few days in that heat my turkey timer popped up and I was done. I also lost my life savings in Los Vegas. It will probably be another seven years until I can squirrel away another $100.00.

I was also the victim of the new racial profiling law in Arizona. I was not profiled because of my skin color. I’m so pasty white that the local funeral home calls me three times each week to see if they can drop by and pick up the corpse I have at my trailer. At first I thought it was the neighbor kids’ crank calling me again but, when I hit display on my phone and called the number back sure enough, it was the funeral home that had called me.

Anyway, I was targeted in Arizona by a hotel detective because of the clothing I had on. It seems that people in that state don’t like people who wear University of Michigan T-shirts at hotel lounges. Besides harassing me about my tee, this hotel cop accused me of stealing towels and toiletries out of my room and even off the cart of one of the cleaning ladies. Well, I agreed to return the towels and split half the toiletries with the cop. The toiletries are fruity smelling and are really too low class for this lady anyway. Of course after returning the towels I’m going to have to find mom another gift for her birthday.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
The movie Avatar was released on DVD. I guess the movie is really good but, I can’t watch it. Every time I watch a 3D movie I get a nose bleed. It seems the 3D effect makes me so sick to my stomach that I always throw up. Of course, the person I throw up on gets really mad and pops me and that’s when my nose starts to bleed. I’m afraid that Avatar has so much 3D effects in it that I’d most likely need a blood transfusion by the end of the movie. I’m just going to have to wait until Disney makes Avatar into a cartoon musical before I can see it. I do like Sigourney Weaver though so, I’d like to try and chance it and go see the movie anyway. Then, I start to remember how I hate to waste food, especially all that buttery popcorn. But, I just can’t bring myself around to eating popcorn that looks like someone sprayed strawberry jelly all over it.

IS 666 WALL STREETS LUCKY NUMBER ?

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

This week the American and Chinese Navy’s faced off against each other in international waters. It seems the American research vessel was getting a little too close to secret submarine maneuvers in the South China Sea. The Chinese boats came close to the American Ship and the Chinese sailors gave the Americans a vertical pants down smile. The Americans responded by whipping out their water cannons and blasting the Chinese junk. The U.S. sailors were crack shots so the Chinese quickly retreated. This incident is still under investigation.

Mr. Al Sadist, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush when the President visited Iraq last year, was sentenced to spend the next three years in prison. One year for each shoe and one year for having naked feet in public. Mr. Al Sadist told the judge that he was not trying to hit the president but instead, was trying to swat a deadly tsetse fly that was coming perilously close to the head of President Bush. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

In other news, jobless claims continued to climb this week as more and more people were laid off and could not find work. Here at “Humor News Nuts”, an announced hiring of two more people brought in over 400 job applicants. This seems strange since we don’t even pay anything. Our current staff doesn’t even know this yet and since they never read their own publication, they may never know. Each payday we simply tell them they won’t be getting a paycheck because their checks were garnished to pay parking tickets. Only two of the seven people here drive cars but, so far they haven’t caught on.


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BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Last year the S&P 500 hit 666 as a low and then went up over 705 points rising nearly 30 points on Thursday alone. Wednesday was the first full moon of spring according to one group of ancient Druids (the homeless ones living in the state park). To these padres of the past, the full moon also signifies the beginning of the festival of Sam Haim, the god of the underworld. Of course there may not have been any rally according to the web site wallstreetwarlocksareus, had there not been a human sacrifice made to the god of megabucks. So, the warlocks of Wall Street nominated an alleged “honesty virgin” named Bernie Madoff. “Honesty virgins” are very common on Wall Street so to win the reward of being sacrificed, someone has to be selected who will really spin a great yarn and keeps it going for decades. The winner of this contest will receive an eternal membership at Club Hades which includes full usage of the lava rock hot tubs. The winner will also receive discounts at the most sheik restaurants in hell such as The Hannibal Cannibal Cave Inn, The Jeffrey Dalhmer All Meat Pizza Palace and, The Donner Party Kidney and Liver Bistro.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Collin
The Detroit Red Wings lost 6-5 against the Calgary Flames. The Wings are still number one in the Central Division with 44 wins followed by Cleveland with 32 wins. The Detroit Pistons are still in the number 2 position in their division with 32 wins behind Chicago with 51 wins.

Local area hunters have reported that their take from the annual spring road kill hunt is way up this year. Several trophy deer have been found thawing out of the snow banks and a record number of skunk (pole cat) hides and porky pine quills will keep the wives busy sewing up some summer swim wear. Skunk fur bikinis will be the rage on Michigan beaches this summer.

This week I asked a local road kill hunter what it took to be a champion in his sport. He replied “All you need is a shovel, a pair of plastic gloves and a plastic sack for the solids and a bucket for the stuff that’s gone soft. The solids are good for selling to those rich tourists that want to taste the local cuisine or wear the fancy duds,” he said, “but, the liquids are good for stewing and I am not sharing them. Liquids are rare ‘because the crows and bugs get most of it before I come across the dearly departed critters”.

HEALTH CARE NEWS
By Deek Williams
Yesterday a patron of the bar dropped dead during dinner hour. First I thought it was the beef brisket we’re serving this week in honor of St. Paddy’s Day. There were two others who got sick that day and barfed up in and beside the toilet. But, they said they got sick on the dyed green beer we were serving. Trouble is, we didn’t dye any beer green so I think they drank some window cleaner I was using to clean the mirror behind the bar.

As far as the fellow who dropped dead, he didn’t really drop dead dead, he was just dead drunk. Seems he had been experimenting at the bar across the road with green Jell-O shooters followed by a glass of Irish Whisky for a chaser. I know there must be a lot of guts and stuff that are going to feel pretty rough when you abuse yourself this way. Not to mention, it really messes up your head for a while. This fellow also missed out on both the darts and euchre tournaments followed by karaoke songs from the seventies.


SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Tim Collin
The crew of the international space station was forced to abandon ship and move into a small space module for several hours yesterday. The cover story was that a bullet sized piece of metal was hurdling toward the stations hull and might rip through it and cause the inhabited satellite to depressurize. However, according to our experts, the crew was actually removed from the space station and probed by beings from the “Ruptured Cist” nebula. These creatures call themselves Ka-Bobs and want to examine the ganglia of other beings to see if said ganglia could be used to fill in their ruptured cist. They are on a do or die mission and that makes them both ruthless and desperate. Evidently, the crew was returned or at least replicates of the crew were returned early in the morning to the space station. Again, aliens are here and are dangerous. Now we must protect our very ganglia from the Ruptured Cist Ka-Bobs.



PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty
I predict that I’m either going to get paid or I’m going to quit pretty soon. Every payday they tell me that I’m not getting a paycheck because “I got my entire check garnished for parking tickets,” First of all, I live two doors down and don’t ever drive my car so how am I supposed to get these tickets?

The recent fight between funny man Jon Stewart and stock guru Jim Kramer will end soon. I’m going to predict that stock guru Jim Kramer will depart from his show “Mad Money” and star in a comedy movie based on the old sit-com “Mad About You,” with "The Queen Of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli as his co-star.

Jon Stewart will leave his job as the host of “The Daily Show,” and join Larry the Cable Guy and the ghost of the late Rev.Jerry Fallwell on a revivalist crusade through the Deep South. The country trailer park tours will last 6-10 weeks depending on whether the tornados get to the trailer parks ahead of them this summer. Tornados turn trailer parks into parks and trails; trails of cars, tin cans and beer bottles.

CELBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT
By Mike Collin
Hollywood will soon turn out a new Star Trek motion picture based upon the original TV series. The new/old Star Trek will have a cameo appearance by William Shatner. The former Captain of Romance will play a large yellow moon with wig on its North Pole. Other members of the old cast will play stars that are whisked by at light speed so no one ever pays attention to them.

Battlestar Galatica is in its final season with just a couple of more episodes left in the series. Right now I’ll be glad when it ends. They already found earth and it was in ruins with just a bunch of dead silons on it. Were the dead silons us, the thirteenth tribe? I don’t understand. Also, now there are silons, humans, hybrids, skin jobs, what’s next? I am so confused. All the love triangles and hate triangles make this look like some sort of girlie soap opera instead of a manly action adventure show. The show really lost me when they executed the evil Vice President who was always trying to take over and become dictator of the fleet. I was hoping he’d take over and move the show in a new direction. Back in the old series when Loren Greene was Commander Odama you knew where you stood. Silons always had to be destroyed and Dr. Baltar was always evil. That ‘70s show was cool.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY

ROCKET GOES UP, ROCKET GOES DOWN
NASA has reported that a zillion dollar satellite that was to measure carbon dioxide levels in the Earths atmosphere, didn't quite make it. Instead, it burned up in a fiery ball. When NASA was asked to explain what happened in terms most members of Congress could understand NASA responded, "the shinny thing fell down".

The Obama administration has decided to continue to fund President Bush's trek back to the moon. A new, simple low cost method will be used to get man back to the moon by 2020. The treasury is going to pile up all of its soon to be near worthless thousand dollar bills. A similar strategy to put humans on Mars is being discussed by top minds in the government. One NASA scientist put it this way, "the physics of inflation infinitely beats E=MC squared".

NEW STIMULUS PLAN UNVEILED

IN THE NEWS NEWS
This week President Obama unveiled his long awaited stimulus program. This program is a 75 billion dollar plan that will among other things, help to refurbish our nations decaying infrastructure. Many have said that this bill will cost far too much money and would be very wasteful of taxpayer dollars. President Obama responded by saying that he planed for the money to be spent wisely. Several of the nations Governors said they did not like that plan and would not take part in it.

BUSINESS NEWS
The Dow Jones Industrials sank 99.58 points today to a new yearly low of 7316.23. The Dow tumbled all week because tired and angry traders couldn't get any coffee before work since all the nearby coffee shops have closed because of the Depression. This cause and effect may continue as stocks fall and coffee houses close in a never ending spiral downward until you hit the bottom.

Standard Financial Corp. has been accused of running a Ponzi scheme that bilked thousands of investors out of more than 8 billion dollars. Actually, I believe the word Ponzi was a misspelling and the name of the scheme should either be Fonzi or Potsi. So it either is a Fonzi scheme or a Potsi scheme. Of course a Fonzi scheme was always really cleaver and would not have been found out but, a Potsi scheme was always fraught with disaster so a Potsi scheme it must be. Besides, if it were a Fonzi scheme that created a big mess who would have the guts to say so. Of course, I’d rather blame Ralph because I never really liked him.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
The Detroit Red Wings are still first in the Central Division with 38 wins with Chicago trailing with a mere 33 wins. The Detroit Pistons are second in their division with 27 wins with Cleveland ahead with 41 wins. Still, to my friends on the Detroit Lions team, "at least the Pistons won some games".

Several major universities have had to cut their ticket prices in order to insure that fans continue to come to their games. The University of Michigan has cut their prices for season ticket holders from $53.57 to a nice even $50.00. What is up with that? A $3.57 cut is not going to entice anyone to come to the game that wasn’t already willing to pay the full amount. I can’t buy a descent chaw of tobacco for that. Maybe you can’t find anybody at your high faluting doctor and lawyering University that can count back change? You guys need to go to community college. That’s where I leaned to count back change. Then after graduation, almost everyone in my class got a job at the town’s largest employer, Burger King.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Funny thing this week, all of our computers came down with a computer virus (I think my brother spilled his pop on my lap top while I was in the bathroom) and we haven’t gotten them to work yet so we thought we were sunk. But, as luck would have it, the kid that delivers the papers took my bothers old Atari 2600, deleted the “Space Invaders” game from it, took some parts off of our Mr. Coffee coffee maker and Walla, we have a functioning e-machine with just a few little space monsters burned permanently into the screen.

CELEBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
The new movie “Friday the Thirteenth” (a remake of an old movie) is set to be another slasher, monster movie hit. I was going to send my brother Mike out to see the movie but, we don’t have enough money for a ticket (having paid the paper kid $15.00 to fix us up a computer). Mike decided that since Crystal Lake, the place where the movie took place, was just 15 miles oven into Benzie County, he’d just take a trip over there to see if he could interview the movies main star, Jason Voorhees.

Mike hitch hiked over to Crystal Lake but, found the lake was frozen over. It always is in February. Mike was really, really cold and really, really hungry. There were a lot of cottages around the lake but, everyone was gone for the winter. Mike was cold hungry and tired. It was nearly 200 feet to the nearest town. Mike decided he had to do something drastic.

The first cottage Mike broke into had food (Cream of Wheat cereal, Mike’s favorite) but, no stove to cook it on. The second cottage had a stove and Cream of Wheat cereal but, it was cold since the furnace didn’t work. The third cottage Mike broke into had cereal, a stove, a working furnace and, a nice soft bed for Mike to take a nap in after eating three bowls of Cream of Wheat cereal. Mike didn’t have a chance to look for Mr. Voorhees since the Sheriff came, woke Mike up, and took him off to jail. Now I have to go and try to bail him out with my over limit credit card or he’ll miss the final episode of “Battle Star Galactica”. Maybe I’ll just let him sit there and I’ll watch “World Wide Wrestling” instead.

In The News News
By Tim Colin
The debate over health care has been heating up all summer with millions of Americans attending town hall meetings with their congressmen. Are these people nuts? Who would spend their summer going to meetings with a bunch of politicians? Get out there and get a life. What good is good health if you are going to spend it yakking it away with some guy in a suit. Get outside and do some extreme mountain biking or extreme rock climbing. If you slip and fall 500 feet down a mountain you are not going to be worrying about whether your covered by health insurance. All you will be thinking about on your way down is “how much is this going to hurt?”

The war in Afghanistan is heating up. We can’t discuss too much about the Afghan war because no one that we know can find Afghanistan on a map. We have a map on the wall that shows all of North America with most of the major cities highlighted with a black dot. After polling everyone in our offices it seems to be a toss up as to whether Afghanistan is in Alberta or Quebec Canada. Afghanistan doesn’t sound French so it’s not in Quebec. It is spelled with a lot of “A’s” so our best guess is that Afghanistan is in or near Alberta. We should send someone up there to check on the war effort.

Business News
By Ted Collin
Stocks were moving down most of the week but ended up 96 points on Friday with the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) ending at 9441.

Lately, the banking sector has not been doing well at issuing new home mortgages. Wall Street has however, come up with a new way of making money issuing a new type of mortgage. The new mortgage is called the Reverse Organ Mortgage or ROM. The ROM works much like a reverse mortgage on a house except, it is on your vital organs like your heart, kidneys, liver, lungs, spleen etc. Specifically, the way the ROM works is that you will receive a sum of money each month for a particular organ and when you die, your organ is harvested and any balance owed to you will be paid to your heirs. The organs themselves will be delivered to commodities speculators who have been biding on the price of your organ should it be harvested on a given day. In the end, the person who bids the most for the organ will receive it for transplantation either for himself, a loved one, a valued customer or, employee.

Sports I Care About
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions won 17-6 in an exhibition game they played against the Buffalo Bills. Great job guys! I’m proud of you. As Ronald Regan once said last season should be left on the “dung hill of history”. Or did he say “I can’t read my teleprompter. I think it’s busted”. Anyway, the Lions won in the pre-season and will have a chance to start the new season with a win on September 13, when they play at New Orleans. The Lions have not selected a starting QB yet but, they might as well just go along with Mike Stafford. He did win the exhibition game.
The Detroit Tigers are on a roll leading their division by five games. If I had one of those non guy emotions I might shed a tear right now of what you would call happiness. Instead I have nothing but guy emotions like anger, greed, revenge, lust and my favorite, remorse for having been caught doing something I should not have. I really hate being caught.

I don’t care much about college sports except, I love to see the U of M punch out the lights of Ohio State in one of the most classic matches in college football. I've busted more than a couple of TVs over the years when the game didn’t come out with Michigan on top of Ohio State.

Entertainment News
By Gerrard
The movie “Gamer” should pull in a large audience. It’s pretty violent so, make sure you go with people who are not afraid of a little roughness. I have a girl in mind that might go on a date with me to see this movie. I can’t go on a Tuesday to see the movie because I have to take mom to the C.E.T.A hall so she can play euchre. I have to stay in case they need a forth player.

“Taking Woodstock”, is kind of funny but, because I live in a resort area, there are a lot of people here that entered the year 1969 and never left. Several of them live out back of this building. If I have a sandwich I don’t finish, I leave it on top of the dumpster so they can find it easily. I once drew a picture of a marijuana plant on the back of the building. Several of the old hippies spent three days trying to roll it up into a cigarette. Tim Colin, who likes to throw his weight around, yelled at me so I had to paint over my art. So much for freedom of expression.

Psychic News
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, I’m having a lot of trouble getting any spiritual vibes this week. I just heard from my twin sisters Twisty and Christy (They’re twins with each other and I’m a twin with each of them). It seems they each have new boyfriends and I don’t. I told them that after a séance I went dancing with Elvis and they didn’t believe me. They said that guys will tell you anything to get you to go out with them. I said I hope that wasn’t what happened. The guy Elvis possessed was Gerrard the weird guy that raises rats in his mother’s basement. They told me the only Elvis I ever danced with was Aunt Myrtle’s dog named Elvis and he danced with everyone. Actually, he tried to jump on every one. No one wanted to go to Aunt Myrtles because they were afraid her dog would jump them as soon as they walked through the door.

I guess the lions will do o.k. I just wonder that if I buy some new cloths and hang out in different places if, I might meet some new people. I know most guys need someone with money. The problem is that I lost almost everything during the current big financial crash. I lost my house in foreclosure. In addition, my stockbroker, Ira Rippoff, told me that if I invested $1,000 each month with him in a retirement account, that in 10 years, I would have built up a really nice nest egg. He also said I had beautiful eyes like Angelina Jolee. I invested with Ira and built up a nice nest egg but, the egg was for Mr. Rippoff. Now he’s living in a luxury hotel in the Cayman Islands and I’m stuck in a cheap trailer park. He gets room service and I can’t get garbage pick-up. All I have left is the old trailer I inherited from my Aunt Myrtle. It still smells like my aunt and her dog Elvis. He and my aunt both smelled like gin so it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. A gin and tonic sounds about good a couple of paragraphs ago. Or was that a rum and coke I had this morning?

The movies "Gamer" and "Taking Woodstock" will be big hits. I also predict that you should get out your Ben-Gay and arthritis rubs because the weather’s going to be cool.

The Michigan Outdoors Scene
By Ted Colin
There is a warning being issued by this publication to people that will be visiting the area parks and recreational facilities during this Labor Day Weekend. It seems there is a hideous lizard creature wandering through the woods, This creature started out small this spring, about a foot or so tall, and has last been reported at being nearly four feet in height. This monster started out with a penchant for pilfering bacon from a campers stores then, frying the bacon over the camper’s’ own cook stove and then, devouring said bacon as the camper and their frightened families looked on.

More recently, the lizard creature attacked a backyard luau pool party being held by area nudist retirees. The lizard creature purportedly ate the roasting pig from side to side like an ear of corn then, dashed into the forest. The nudist retirees could not follow because the woods were adorned with poison ivy. Doctors say that poison ivy poisoning is the number one cause of fatalities amongst area nudophiles.

Science And Technology
By Ted Colin
We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Northern Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however, I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these naysayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.

HUMOR NEWS NUTS EDITORIALS
THE HEALTH CARE DEBATE
No to Extraterrestrial Free Health Care
By Ted Colin
Assistant Editor
I do not believe in giving free healthcare to aliens from other planets. We Earthers can’t afford to take care of our own sick let alone taking care of all the galactic charity cases just because their own planets don’t give them universal health care. Besides, if they can afford to travel across time and space to get here they most surely can afford to pay for their own health care once they get here. If they are so hard up they could sell their spaceship or some of their technology in exchange for having one of our saw bones doctors look at them. I’m sure Microsoft would pay a pretty penny for software that ran faster than the speed of light thus answering your questions before you have them. Apple would also like to make phones that generate more energy then used while cleaning the atmosphere of carbon emissions. So just say “NO” to free health care to extraterrestrials. We need to take care of our own first.

Just Say “NO” to Extraterrestrials on Earth
By Tim Colin
Editor In Chief
Like always, my brother Tim has missed the point. Of course everyone else seems to be missing the point also. The most important debate we need to be having is how we spend all those health care dollars. We need to be spending all of our health care dollars on testing everyone on this planet to make sure they are not an alien thing from outer space. I know that I am human but, at least a couple of you out there are one of those things. We need to test everyone to find out which one of you is human and, which one of you is one of those things. In the movie “The Thing”, Kurt Russell developed a test that sure made those monsters jump up and run around. And he was trapped at the anarchic with limited resources and education. Surely we must have some bright geniuses at MIT or maybe a really good community college who, could come up with a way to ferret out those alien things from the human population of earth. From my point of view, humans are the most endangered species on this planet.

I’m Unhappy with My Health Care
By Mike Colin
Janitor/Gofer/Fall Guy
I think my health insurance stinks. I pay $300.00 per month and it has not covered any of my $27,000 in medical bills I’ve had this year. It’s pretty good insurance, I guess but, it has a $1,000,000 deductible and a 50% co/pay. I’m not sure what a co/pay is but, it sounds really bad. It’s like being a co/defendant. What’s worse is I can’t stop paying the premium. It’s set up through a checking account that automatically deducts it every month. I can’t even pay rent but, I have to pay my insurance premium. If I try to stop the payment my insurance agent calls me up and threatens to have me arrested. I told my uncle Mike (he’s my insurance agent) that I can’t afford to keep $300.00 in the bank each month and I keep having the bank fine me $25.00 every time the insurance company tries to take the money out. My uncle Mike told me I had better get used to $400.00 taken out each month since I’m considered to be more likely to be unhealthy since I complain too much. When I bought the policy from my uncle Mike he said it was a great policy since I got the coverage I deserved while he got a 40% commission for the sale and 20% commission each year if I renewed it. My dad said my Uncle Mike was like the scorpion in the scorpion and the fox tale. I said to my dad, “is that the one where the scorpion took a whiz on the fox when the fox was giving him a ride across a river. Then, they both drowned because scorpions always whiz on foxes?”

“You got it boy”, dad answered.

LOU DOBBS HAS BEEN DON IMUSED OFF THE AIR

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
LOU DOBBS IS IMUSED
A tragedy befell the cable news industry this week. It seems Lou Dobbs will no longer be anchoring The Lou Dobbs Show on CNN. CNN immediately tried to get Al Franken to reprise his role as news commentator/entertainer but, he has already committed to a six year contract in the Senate. In other words Senator Franken wants to perfect his comedic talents by attending clown school.

The real tragedy of the untimely demise of the Lou Dobbs organization is that now I will have to find someone else to steal material from. Whenever Lou would start complaining about aliens I would just take his material and put the word “space” in front of alien. That would better fit the venue of this organization. Now you will never again hear complaints from me about “undocumented” space “aliens”. I tried this week to use the material of Glenn Beck on Fox but, after listening to Mr. Beck I believe he is a space alien or something. He really gets into his material and his eyes get really wild like Marty Feldman’s’ eyes in “Young Frankenstein”. I just hope he doesn’t operate with an “Abbey Normal” brain.

BUSINESS NEWS
THE GOVENOR PALIN INTERVIEW
By Tim Colin
Sarah Palin is set to make big bucks with her new book “Going Rouge”. This week she kicked off her book tour in Grand Rapids Michigan where millions of supporters and reporters gathered for the event. Since I am editor of “Humor News Nuts” I decided to send myself to Grand Rapids to see if I could get an interview with the former Governor of Alaska.

The day before Sarah Palin was to appear; I drove down to Grand Rapids and checked into a hotel. The problem with Grand Rapids is that it is a Dutch community and the Dutch like to build windmills all over the place including in the middle of the freeway. I was driving along at 90 mph when suddenly I slammed into a windmill that was in the middle of the highway. Then, I woke up in my hotel room and it was light outside. The only thing I remembered from the night before is that I went to the hotel lounge and drank something called “the crooked windmill”. I remember someone at the bar telling me that after the first “crooked windmill” the room would spin around. Then, after the second drink you would not be able to stand up straight. Finally, after the third drink the night would be all over.

Well, I never made it to the Sarah Palin book signing and consequently I never got my interview with the famous candidate. However, the trip was not a total waste of time and money. I did get my Christmas shopping done and I didn’t even have to leave the hotel. I picked up a bible for my mom and some nice towels for my dad. My brother Ted is going to get some really nice little soaps while, my brother Mike needs a new toothbrush and toothpaste really bad so, I picked up a brush and a small tube of paste for him. I also picked up a small bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner in case I get a girlfriend between now and Christmas and have to get her a gift.

SPROTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 2 wins and 8 losses. The Detroit Pistons have 5 wins and 9 losses. The Detroit Red Wings have 11 wins and 6 losses. With all this dismal news it is great the Central Michigan University, a MAC school, has 9 wins and 2 losses overall which is the best of any football team in the conference. Well, in a state with nearly 20% unemployment you have to find some good news to look forward to reading in the sports pages. Other than for the comics, the sports section is the only reason to even read a newspaper.

If I didn’t have sports and comics to read I’d never bother picking the newspaper up off the bathroom floor in the morning when I eat at the local Burger King. Some guy that uses the first stall everyday always leaves his paper behind for other customers to read. Sometimes he leaves part of his sandwich or hash brown behind rolled up in the newspaper. On those days I get my breakfast for free. There are humanitarians in this world.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, that new vampire movie “New Moon” is going to be a big hit. It’s a real romantic movie and all the women I know want to see it. It seem that women now days don’t want a normal guy with a good job. Instead, they want some good looking bloodsucker. I’ve been married to bloodsuckers before and that’s one of the reasons I’m living in a red neck trailer park today instead of a nice two story in a middleclass subdivision.

My parents wanted me to marry this skinny accountant guy but oh no, I had to marry the guy with tattoos all over his big biceps. After five years of marriage and a thousand cases of PBR beer, his biceps fell down into his belly. I got tired of people asking me when my husband was expecting so, I dumped him.

THE MICHIGAN OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.

I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but; my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.

Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.

THE SANTA SECRET TOY FACTORY

THE SANTA SECRET TOY FACTORY IN MANCELONA MICHIGAN
By Mike Colin
This year I’ve decided to find out why Santa Claus quit bringing me presents when I was twelve years old. That year all I got for Christmas was a pair of socks. My dad wasn’t working at the time and my parents told me that a pair of socks was all they could afford. “Besides,” my parents said, “you need socks because the sock monster keeps gobbling up your socks in the cloths dryer.” I asked them why I don’t get any presents from Santa and they both said I was too old to believe in Santa anymore.

That did not make since to me. If Santa never existed why would everyone tell kids that Santa was going to bring them presents if they were good? Why lie about such a thing as the existence of the jolly old elf? I was traumatized for years.

It has been more than ten years and I still believe in Santa and I am going to find out why he quit coming to my house and giving me presents. I know my brothers are both evil and never deserved any presents. I could see why Santa finally wised up and quit bringing them stuff but, I was different. I was always really good and I never lost faith in his existence.

This year I read somewhere that Santa has a secret toy factory about 50 miles from here in a small town called Mancelona. It seems he purchased an old factory that used to make cheese and now he makes lots of old fashioned, environmentally correct toys. People say that Santa set up a factory in Mancelona because it is beautiful here in Northern Michigan and a great place to live. Consequently, Santa can pay his elves a lot less money if they work here versus working up above the artic circle. Here we have low pay but a view of the bay. At the North Pole you get a bigger slice of the pie but, if you go outside you die.

Today I drove over to Mancelona and stopped into their old cheese factory. The windows are all boarded up but, I went up to a door on the side of the building and wrapped on it. Suddenly, a shaggy elf appeared in the doorway. It took me a couple of minutes but then, I recognized the little guy was area resident and celebrity Michael Moore. He stood in the doorway holding a wrapped package with a bow on it. “Hi,” he said, “I’m not allowed to let anyone in but, Santa wanted me to give you this Christmas gift.” Mr. Moore handed me the gift and then shut the door.

So there I stood with the package in my hand. I went back home and decided to open it even though it is not Christmas yet. I was surprised to find a pair of socks inside with a note from Santa. The note said:

“I’m sorry I missed getting this present to you when you were twelve years old. Twelve is the normal cut off but our computers were down that year and we thought you were 13 at the time. Again, I’m sorry we missed you on the last Christmas that you qualified for a gift from Santa. Please accept this gift I’ve been holding for you all these years. I know how poor your family is so I thought I would get you something that would help keep your little toes from getting frost bite during the long Michigan Winters.

Sincerely,

Santa Claus”

I have been elated all the rest of the day. Santa really did care about me and it was just a problem with his computer that caused him to not deliver my present. From now on I will always give a strong testimony to the existence of Santa. My only question is why Michael Moore was over in Santa’s workshop and are there more celebrities in the old cheese factory? I wonder.

DOCTOR STEIN FRANKEN ADMITS TO MAKING OTHER MONSTERS

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The stock market has been in the crapper lately and prices for groceries keep going up. Everyone is losing their homes, cars and, other belonging to the bank vampires and the warlocks on Wall Street. With all the economic ills in the world, Americans have come up with a novel idea to combat poverty, despair and, starvation. Americans are raising chickens. A friend of mine who has no life, said she was listening to NPR radio the other day and they spent an entire hour talking about raising chickens in the backyard.

I would have thought this was just another story that talk radio would use to fill up air time but, low and behold, someone in our own downtown Traverse City has been allowed to have some hen chickens inside the city. It was said that roosters crow too much in the morning and would wake people up. Personally, I think the ban on roosters is just a case of pure discrimination against males. Maybe the city will ban males of other species from the city. Maybe even human males will be banned from town. I think we need to defend our fellow males against discrimination even if those males are part of a different species. I’m going to e-mail my Congressman informing him that banning males of any species from any area is just plain wrong.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Lions have broken their two year losing streak. They are still ranked last in the National Conference North. Detroit will play Chicago in football on Sunday. Even with their dismal record, I have to shut-up about the past two years. I must look to the future of Lions football and not dwell on the past or I will jinx them. Many people think I am the person who jinxed the Lions because of my negative commentary. The problem is I’ve only been doing commentary since January 2009.

In the rest of the sports that I care about, the Tigers seem assured of clinching the American League Central Title. Detroit will finish the season with a three-game series against Chicago. The game will be played at home but, I don’t care since I can’t afford a ticket or the gas to get there. Good luck Tigers!!!!

Saturday is the big game between Michigan and Michigan State. Michigan should win but, the whole state will be in turmoil if Michigan State wins. Michigan State lost to Central Michigan University. If Michigan State wins then Central would be the number one college football team in Michigan. This is like a Davey and Goliath Claymation cartoon. If a tiny University in Mid-Michigan is better at football than two of the largest Universities in the country then, those bigger schools need to review their priorities. All high schools and colleges are evaluated strictly on the basis of their football team. If you want a good job, forget learning anything. You have to go to a school with an awesome football team or you’ll end up managing the third shift at a fast food restaurant love fast food after midnight.

It seems that Oprah, President Obama and, others were unsuccessful at getting the Olympic Committee to pick Chicago as the future host of the Olympic Games. Some people are blaming the President for the failure of Chicago to secure the Olympic torch. I, on the other hand, blame Oprah. Oprah should have made sure that the members of the Olympic Committee understood that if Chicago were to get the Olympic Games then, each committee member could find a set of keys to a new car under their chairs.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Due to the bad economy, I predict that a lot more adults will be gong trick or treating for candy this year. The trailer park I live in is supposed to have an apple bobbing contest. The only thing that you get for grabbing an apple with just your mouth without the help of your hands is the apple. I think I will pass on the contest. I’m afraid those apples might get slobbered on quite a bit before someone grabs one out. I’ll most likely go to my friend Opals’ house on Halloween. She has the best parties because she is a real witch. She is even certified. I guess you have to be certified as a witch before you can buy the wand, broom and black pot that witches need for their magical spells.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Doctor Stein Franken has admitted today that he indeed sewed together the dying body parts of a human, a tiger and, a moose. This story has been covered a lot and that’s why the editor (Tim) is burying the story in the science and technology section. Tim knows that no one will ever read it.

There is one new admission that Dr. Franken has made which is news. It seems that Dr. Franken has sewn other creatures together thus; creating other hideous monsters that may still inhabit the woods and farmlands of Michigan. Dr. Franken said he was forced to work on building beasts for the government. The doctor was evidently kidnapped and taken below some sand dunes. Evidently, there is some secret base there called Area 91. Dr. Franken described the people who kidnapped him to be dressed in black suits and that they drove a black limo. It sounds like Dr. Franken was kidnapped by the Blues Brothers. Now, Dr. Franken, who is a German immigrant (someone should check on this nuts status), is known to spend a lot of time at the beer tent during Oktoberfest. So, did he create other monsters for the government or, is his story just the beer and bratwurst talking?

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
My friend Mike Colin is on special assignment for the month of October so I and others will be writing this column. I guess Mike was wrong last week about the Michael Moore movie called “Capitalism: A Love Story”. It was explained to me by the editor of this publication (the jerk named Tim), that the movie was just a satire (whatever the heck that means). Tim said the movie was not about a love story set in the nation’s capital. Capitalist and capital are two different things I was told but, I think the guys that own the capital are the ones that practice capitalism. The guys that practice capitalism have the capital to buy the politicians in the nation’s capital. That’s just my opinion and does not reflect the views of this publication. It also does not make any sense. I wish I hadn't written it but, I'm having problems with my keyboard and can't backspace to delete the crap I just wrote. If Tim wasn't so lazy he'd edit this blog instead of just hitting the send button.

One thing Tim Colin (the editor) does not understand is that he (Tim) was born the same day as one of my heroes, Charleston Heston. They were both born on October 4 which is this coming Sunday.Charlton Heston and Michael Moore once had a big argument over gun rights. There are still lots of people taking pot shots at me when I’m out in the woods so, guess who won the gun argument?

Unlike how I feel about Tim, I really like the late Charlton Heston. He was great in the movies “Soylent Green” and,” The Omega Man”. He was pretty good in the two “Planet of the Apes”, movies he did. The only problem I had was in the movie “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”. In that movie, Mr. Heston fought against the really cool psychic, psycho deformed humans. These humans only wanted to protect their bomb from the apes and Charlton blew them all to Heck. Just because someone is a freak, does not mean that they are bad. Take myself for instance. I am 27years old and raise rats in my mother’s basement for a living. Some people (Tim) keep calling me “rat boy” behind my back. But, I think I am the most normal person in Northern Michigan.

INTERVIEWS WITH VAMPIRES
MY GIRLFRIEND BITES
By Mike Colin
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve) I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite.  Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee . It seems my girlfriend is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of fangs on them with drips of blood tattoos running down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool. Next week I'll tell you the rest of the story about my girlfriend the vamp lady.

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
President Obama gave his health care speech last Wednesday. Most people were very disappointed. No where in his speech did he say anything about hiring one million more single female nurses. Many of us guys are looking for professional women who can support us financially and, take care of us like a mother (or kind nurse) when we get sick. Furthermore, in terms of cutting health care costs, if everyone married a nurse, health care costs could be cut by half or more. At least that’s what the guys said last night while we were playing cards. The nurse/wife could take care of all the minor accidents like getting stabbed while playing lawn jarts or cutting off your toes while playing lumber jack with the electric hedge trimmer. The savings from eliminating emergency room care would be fantastic. There are hundreds of tasks a wife/nurse could perform that would save millions in doctor’s visits. So, instead of requiring everyone in America to buy expensive insurance they can’t afford, everyone should be forced to marry a nurse, doctor or, some other health care worker.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
To quote Steve Martin the stock market has been “one wild and crazy guy”. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is up this week but, it has been bouncing frantically up and down in a 700 point range for several weeks now. The pundits all say the economy is improving and I guess they’re right. I’m finding fewer people are picking up beer cans downtown on Saturday morning so, I have a lot more weekend play money than I did earlier this year. The armature canners must be feeling wealthier and not bothering to go canning.

It was announced this week that Disney is buying Marvel Entertainment for 4 billion dollars. Disney has changed a great deal over the last several years. It has gone from being a Mickey Mouse outfit to a high school, Hanna Montana musical business. Marvel Entertainment has brought us such hits as The Fantastic Four, Iron Man and The Incredible hulk. I didn’t know The Hulk could sing or that Iron Man could break dance. Disney has announced that High School Musical Fantastic Four will be available for sale by Christmas.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
I’m not sure if I’ll watch the Lions play the Saints on Monday. Last year every time I watched the Lions play I thought I jinxed them since, they always lost. Of course when I didn’t watch the Lions play I also thought I jinxed them into loosing. I guess I’ll flip a coin. Anyway, Stafford has finally been picked to be the starting QB. It’s about time a decision was made on who would be the starting QB. Some years the Lions wait until the season is over and then decide who they should have picked as QB. Well, I had better shut up. This year I know they will do better. If the Lions do as well as the Tigers this year I’ll think about deleting all the negative press I’ve given them over last years program.

In upcoming games:
The Lions play the Saints on Monday,
The Tigers play the Blue Jays on Friday, Saturday and, Sunday.
One college game that might be interesting is the game between Central Michigan University and Michigan State. MSU will most likely win but, sometimes CMU pulls off a fast one on old MSU.

THE OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
A Brief Swim in Quicksand
By Tim Colin
I have seen a lot of movies where either the bad guy or the monster drowns in quick sand. I thought it would be interesting to find some quick sand to see first hand what the stuff was really made of. A warning to the public: QUICK SAND IS VERY DANGERROUS SO, IF YOU WANT TO GO SWIMMING IN IT YOU HAD BEST NOT GO ALONE. I was able to get my brother Mike to come along with me on this trip. I promised him he could keep all the cans and bottles we found so he could turn them in for the deposit money.

We picked a fast moving river that ran through a swamp. It had been raining for over a week so the river was about three times deeper and moved much faster than usual. We each wore waders since sometimes the water went up to the crack under your knee caps. We waded down stream from where we were parked for over an hour but, we did not find any quick sand. Finally, we had a little action. My brother had wandered off down river about a hundred feet or so when he lost his footing and was grabbed by the current and rushed down river over sharp rocks, sharp sticks and logs as hard as concrete. I smirked a little when he fell in but, when I saw his head bobble away down the rapids I decided I would be expected to at least go look for his body.

Just as I was moving along the river bank trying to figure out how I would explain my brothers demise to my parents and his new girlfriend, wouldn’t you know it, I stepped into some quick sand and was up to my waste in liquid earth. I immediately yelled for my brother Mike to come and save me in the off chance he had managed to save himself and could thus, save me. I yelled several times but, he never showed up so I knew I was on my own. I decided as I sank that I was not going to give up. I wanted to live to inherit some money from my parents one day. With my brother Mike and myself gone, my brother Ted would get everything. I just could not stand that thought. I had to find a way out.

The problem with quick sand is that the more you struggle the more you sink. I was already up to my belly button and I knew I would not last long. I would have done something based on science but, I flunked chemistry in high school and took mostly PE and Wood Shop classes for electives.

Finally, I had some luck. An overhanging branch from a spruce tree was just in reach of my finger tips. Gradually, I worked my entire hand up the branch then; I grabbed the branch with my other hand and pulled my body up, out of my waders and safely onto muddy, but stable ground. I sat there a couple of minutes covered with mud. My shoes and waders were long gone so I would have to make my way back to the car with just my wet socks on. When I got to the car, my brother Mike was there. He had a lot of cuts and bruises but, he was still alive. He told me that the river wound around back up towards the pull off where the car was parked. Mike said that as he sailed past our car he grabbed onto a piece of brush hanging out over the river.

I told Mike that as I rushed to save him, I fell into quick sand and almost died I then asked him why he didn’t come when I hollered for him .He claimed he didn’t hear me scream. He said the rush of the river was so loud that my calls for help must have been drowned out.

In conclusion, you should be careful when looking for quick sand along Michigan’s rivers, lakes and, streams. If you do fall into quick sand hopefully there is a low hanging branch near by so that you can pull yourself out. You see in the woods of Northern Michigan, if you get into trouble, one can hear you scream.


PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Like most psychics, I use a number of methods and tools to predict the future. Taro cards, rare magical stones, crystal balls and various personal possessions of the dearly or even nearly departed. Today I used a wee gee board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I went into my predictive trance but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got snockered on her own corn liquor. Then, she fell asleep smoking a cigar on a hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to all put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.

Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2009. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!

During the year 2009 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what’s inside that counts; it’s what your face looks like.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
I like Kate Beckinale. She plays a U.S. Marshal in a Movie called “White Out”. In the movie, Kate tries to track down a killer in Antarctica. It’s rated R because it has so much violent action in it. I might ask my mother if she would loan me the money so I can go see this movie. I expect to make a lot of money selling the rats I raise to college psychology classes this fall but, so far I haven’t received any orders so my cash funds are kind of low.

Tyler Perry has another Madea film out. What can I say? It’s another Madea film. There are usually some hot chicks in his movies but, this one is about kids so I think I will pass.

I will also pass on the Disney flick “High School Musical Fantastic Four”. I like the Incredible Hulk better than the four space mutant guys. I don’t like dancing or musicals anyway. They bring back some bad memories about marching band. I was always getting yelled at for being out of step and ending up in the wrong spot on the football field. I was also looked down on by the other kids since I was the only kid that played the accordion in marching band. What’s worse, even though I was the only accordion player, the band leader never made me first chair. It’s humiliating to be the second chair accordion player when I was the only one that played the accordion. That met I never got to do a solo.

HUMOR NEWS NUTS ON SUMMER SHUT DOWN

Because of the onset of tourist season here in Traverse City Michigan, "Humor News Nuts" will be shutting down through the fourth of July holiday. When we come back, we will be even newsier and better spellers and gramitarians than what we are presently. Good luck and God's Speed through the summer months of chaos and debauchery. Your friends at "Humor News Nuts".

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

The record cold weather this year has wreaked havoc across the United States this year. This has put a crimp in the annual Skinny Dipping Day festivities out on Grand Traverse Bay here in Northern Michigan. The entire bay is frozen over so a dip is out of the question. It is probably a good thing. No one wants to see a bunch of future contestants on “The Biggest Looser”, program in the buff. Middle aged men that are 5 feet 9 inches tall and weigh in excess of 300 pounds tend to be looking a bit unattractive when they are not wearing anything but skin. And, the problem with cold water is, the shrinkage it causes is limited to only one area.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Collin

Unemployment crept up to over 8% according to February numbers. About one in every 10 mortgages is in foreclosure and, if my brother Mike doesn’t pay me backs the money he owes me for bailing him out of jail, I’m going to kick him in the Jolly Rogers. I’ve got a date tonight and I need the money. This is the first date I’ve had this year and the first date I’ve had in 9 months that wasn’t’ with a relative.

In other business news, the Dow took a nose bleed dive this week falling to lows not seen since the middle of the last decade. Rush Limbaugh was so mad about the economy he challenged President Obama to a debate. Instead they played an awesome game of tether ball but Obama just beat that ball around the tethered poll well beyond Rush’s reach until, the ball was fully wrapped up and Rush lost. Rush then declared the game was fixed and that next time they would play either four squares or jump rope.

HEALTH CARE NEWS
By Deek Williams

I don’t know much about health care except for the sports injuries I seen on ESPN at the bar I work at but, some of my really boring customers want to watch the news on FOX or CNN so I kinda knows about the health care debatables . I for one believe anyone should get good health care at a cheap price. I for one have some tattoos in some places saying some stuff I ain’t too proud of. I’d love to have them removed but, I don't got the stash being a bartender down the block and working at this joint where they ain’t yet said what I’d be making.

Health care is something everyone needs but, nobody wants to pay for especially, my customers that watch Fox News. But, if they had tattoos in all the wrong places maybe they might not feel that way. Only universal health care is gonna get that image of Donald Duck off my backside

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Tim Collin

The "Mars Society recently had a meeting. This is a group of earth people that want to colonize the planet mars. Are they nuts? Don’t they know this colonization thing goes both ways? With every group of people we send to the planet mars the Marsmen will send another group back to colonize us. Be afraid, be very afraid my fellow earthlicans. Just because they make great candy bars does not mean that Marsmen are not a bunch of psychopathic intergalactic monsters with two eyes and heads that swivel around on a thing called a neck. So beware of Marsmen. If a two eyed thing looks at you really funny, don’t run or show panic, just slink away. And of course never fall asleep because the marsmen have a pod with your name on it so they can grow your replacement. Good luck to my surviving human beings. Just watch your step and NAN NU NAN NU.”

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Collin

The Detroit Red Wings are still kicking rear since they are still number one in the Western Conference of the Central Division with 43 wins. The runner up is Chicago with 36 wins. I love the Red Wings!!!! The Pistons are doing so, so with a second place perch in the Eastern Conference Southwestern division.

My brother Ted is a real jerk. I went on assignment for him out to find Jason Voorhees who, stared in the recently released movie “Friday the Thirteenth,” out at Crystal Lake. I have low blood sugar so I broke into a couple of summer cabins to try to find some sustenance to maintain my sugar levels I was almost 200 feet from the nearest town so I did not have any choice. The last cabin I broke into was owned by the local sheriff. I was saved and sentenced at the same time. I knew this whole deal was a bad idea. God I hate my brother Ted.

PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty

Today is fish people days or the day of Pisces. I don’t know anything about psychology or nuclear physics so, I’m going to fake it till I make it. Fish people should not eat fish during the month of Pisces. If they do then they are going to either get weird nightmares about being eaten by fish people zombies.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Ted Collin

With all that goes on in Hollywood it is easy to believe that most men really want to see more films starring Sigourney Weaver or Zena, The Princess Warrior. Many also like Linda Hamilton from her brilliant dramatic work in the Terminator series. I love these gorgeous actresses. I hope the Marsmen do also so when they take over more Hamilton, Zena and Weaver movies are made in Hollywood.

DOW 6000 BY JUNE, HECK JUST MAKE IT AN EVEN ZERO

After months of deliberation and debate, the greatest financial minds in the world have come up with a way to finally get the Dow Jones Industrial Average to stop going down and start going up: Just drop the whole thing down to zero and start all over. “It can’t go below zero,” one Yale Economist said.

“Well, theoretically it can,” one MIT Economist chimed in.

“If it does go into negative numbers then we are all, royally phooey sticked in the shoot that poops,” observed a Harvard Economics Professor, “that would mean the stock market was giving people money not to buy shares of stock”. There is a novel behavior called “saving money” which is akin to receiving money according to Ben Franklin. For example: “a penny saved is a penny earned” or, “a dollar spent is a dollar burned” or, “an eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth” or “ skunky beer gives you a belly ache” and so on.

Although there is no consensus amongst Economists regarding where the Dow is headed, all agreed that once it hit rock bottom, (theoretical rock bottom) it would have no where to go but up. Stock traders think that zero is a good place to start the market. “Coke started over with Zero Coke,” one trader commented, “and it didn’t end up so bad”. So when the Dow hits zero it will be time to break open your piggy bank and buy, buy, buy.

CELEBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

BATMAN BEATS OUT CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, AGAIN!!!

It seems the late Keith Ledger won an Oscar for best actor for his portrayal of the Joker in the latest Batman movie. Keith won this Oscar posthumously (that means he died before he picked up his statue). This brings to mind the terrible injustice done to the late actor Jim Varney who should have received the best actor Oscar award for what is truly the greatest movie ever made “Earnest Saves Christmas”. This masterpiece of a motion picture has never gotten the critical acclaim it deserved. The only reason this picture and its actors, director, writers etc. did not win Oscars, is because “Earnest Saves Christmas” was a docudrama, based on actual events.

The movie was great and the event it documented, the saving of Christmas, was so very important that it is too bad it has been forgotten. If Earnest hadn’t saved Christmas, just ponder on what the heck we would do every December 25th when all those obnoxious relatives show up on the door step. An Easter egg hunt has already been taken. Halloween has the dress-up holiday pretty much locked up and Thanks Giving has the pig out and watch football day sewn up. Setting off fire crackers, 4th of July. Getting loaded and passing out on the bathroom floor, New Years Eve. The only holiday fun left to entertain those relatives is passing out presents.

POLITICAL NEWS

POLITICIANS ARE NOT WHO THEY SEEM TO BE

Many conservative online sites have been saying that President Barok Obama was not born in the United States. In order to get to the bottom of this assertion, we at “Humor News Nuts” contacted the local community college to see if they had anyone on staff that could confirm or deny the origins of our President.

After e-mailing the faculty at the local community college we received a reply from someone who claimed to know the real identity of President Obama. The mans name was Duncan Dipwater. Duncan Dipwater asserted that “after careful examination of President Obama during his speech, it was evident from his flawless logic, clarity of mind and inability to show emotion, that Mr. Obama is actually from the planet Vulcan. His ears also seem just a little bit pointy, like they were really pointy once and they were filed down to make it look like he was from earth. Of course President Obama isn’t the first alien in Washington. Vice President Dick Cheney is a Ferengi from the planet Ferenginar. Donald Rumsfeld is an Android with a positronic brain. Nancy Pelosi is a Time Lord from the planet Galafrey. John Kerry was a Wookie until he lost his hair. Barney Frank and Sarah Palin both dated Darth Vader, at the same time. Darth is a two timer you know. After all he is pure evil. They say ‘he’s more machine than man now' …”

Well, it seems we actually e-mailed an in-treatment patient at the local community mental health hospital instead of the faculty at the local community college but, we are not retracting our story and expect it will be repeated all over the internet in the way befitting all factual information found on web sites. Live long and prosper.

NAUGHTY BANKERS AND NASTY CONGRESSMEN DO WASHINGTON

BUSINESS NEWS
The stock market ended lower this week with the Dow Jones Industrial Average ending the week at 7849.13, down 83 points for the day. Betting on stocks this week was more painful than betting on which jars of peanut butter would cause food poisoning.

This week the leaders of the nations 8 largest banks faced off against Congress in sometimes heated exchanges about stuff no one really understood. The bankers insisted that they were not crooks and, relative to the Congressional leaders the bankers were testifying in front of, the bankers had a point. After watching the performance of both Congress and the banking moguls who are together, supposed to save the country from financial meltdown, my brother went down to the U STEEL WE FENCE pawn shop and, bought 10 lbs of gold coins for fifteen bucks.

Tim Geitner, the new Secretary of the Treasury, received a C- on his oral report he delivered on "How To Save The Universe From Economic Oblivion". President Obama is now making the Treasury Secretary give another report on next Wednesday for extra credit. This will allow the Secretary to bump his grade up a notch to an overall B-.

MEDIA NEWS
Both Martha Stewart and Howard Stern may have to take a big pay cut since their employer, Sirius Satellite, has filed for bankruptcy. Both Martha and Howard have an open invitation to apply here at "HUMOR NEWS NUTS" as contributors. Martha could write a weekly column on picking stocks using her insider tips. Howard could be our community and religious commentator but, he has to cut his hair. Our conservative mid-western patrons do not want to read stuff written by hippies. Howard's dad, Imus, is also welcomed to apply but, Imus can't write comments regarding women's basketball.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
Although the Red Wings were down three key players, they still melted the ice by beating Minnesota 4-2. This keeps Detroit's wins at 37 in the Central Division of the Western Conference; a full seven games ahead of Chicago. In basketball, the Pistons are in second place in the Central division of the Eastern Conference. So what the heck is wrong with the Detroit Lions? Just win one game next season guys. I have jerseys and hats with your logo on them. People point at me and ridicule me. I'm fairly sure it's because of my cloths. I am however, a bit unkempt. Some call me a slob. Well, my girlfriend does anyway. But, I still don't need any more emotional baggage to carry around when I go out in public. So just win one game next season.


CELEBRITY NEWS
Angelina Jolee is so absolutely beautiful that, a mother of 14 has been trying in vain to look like the gorgeous film diva. Of course, Angelina does look a lot like Mrs. Peel from the 1960's British TV series, "The Avengers". The black leather and high kicks were something to marvel at even way back in the last century. This brings up the question: When is Angelina going to make another black leather, kick boxing, kung fu, type movie? Furthermore, whatever happened to Xena, princess warrior. Did Xena go the way of Zimma, the fruity flavored beer? I hope not.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Well, America's voyage into space is coming to an end soon. The space shuttle is to be sent to spaceship heaven. Fire crackers and bottle rockets will replace space ships for the next several years. But, although the current space program of actually going into outer space is shutting down, NASA has already picked its new team of astronauts. The picture below shows the next American space crew, set to blast off in the year 2163.

UNEMPLOYMENT SOARS AND THE STOCK MARKET ROARS

TODAY'S BUSINESS
Today it was reported that nearly six hundred thousand people filed for first time jobless benefits, the highest in 34 years. Unemployment swelled to 7.60%. This news was greeted by Wall Street with a major rally of just over 217 points with the Dow Jones Industrial Average ending at 8312.37. Many on Wall Street believe the recession is now over. "Major unemployment is a hopeful sign," remarked one Wall Street economist. "If everyone in the country were unemployed, except people on Wall Street of course, the Dow would soar to over a million points". The explanation for this complex economic phenomena is so simple it's scary. Happy hour on Wall Street starts at 9 o'clock in the morning.

MEDIA NEWS
Rupert Murdock's News Corp. reported a 6.4 billion dollar loss in the last quarter of last year. Of course, if Rupert needs a job there is always one here for him at "Humor News Nuts". We need an interpreter to translate foreign news from Aussie speak to American English. As long as Rupert doesn't bring his billow bong to work with him, he will fit in just fine. Our office is next to a police station and we don't want any trouble.(Maybe Rupert can get us an interview with Michael Phelps).


SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
It seems that the new digital TV roll out for rabbit eared televisions is sort of floppy eared. As in flopped. The government has reported that they are several million special, secret device coupons short and, that stations would have until June 17, 2009 to go to total digital TV. The government has issued a statement saying that people that do not have a digital device to receive the new signals need to go and buy up several rolls of aluminum foil. The picture still won't come in but, it can be great family fun twisting and turning the aluminum foil into various shapes while listening to the gentle hiss of static on the flickering television. People shouldn't really complain. Why do they think that giant 120 inch TV was only $69.00 at Walmart last year?

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
Well the Super Bowl is over and the Steelers won by 4 points (predicted 8 points here last week), with a final score of Pittsburgh 27 and Atlanta 23. I guess it was a great game with James Harrison's interception and 100 yard return being, the longest in Super Bowl History. Unfortunately, I was watching the Super Bowl on the floor with my eyes closed since, my brother and I had been playing Foosball for shots all afternoon. When I got up off the floor on Tuesday, I wondered how many Super Bowl games had passed since I was last conscious.

In hockey, Detroit still leads the central division of the western conference with 32wins and 11 loses. Red Wings are still a bright spot for Michigan professional sports. Now in basketball,the Detroit Pistons are a distant second in their conference so, I don't care.

CELEBRITY NEWS
In celebrity news, the Goverator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is sending out IOU's instead of payments to some bill collectors for the state of California. The governor said his situation was just like when he was living off the residuals from his hitfilm ,"Kindergarten Cop".

BAD BANK? NO THANKS I ALREADY HAVE ONE

BUSINESS NEWS
The economists in the government have proposed that a "bad bank" be created to cure the problems in the economy. Another bad bank? I already have a bad bank. For instance: When my checking account fell to a $20.00 balance, and my bank took out $25.00 for having less than $100.00 in my checking account,I thought,"this is a bad bank". When my bank charged my checking account another $25.00 for having an overdraft on my checking account because the $25.00 they took out for having less than a $100.00 balance gave me a -$5.00 balance, I thought, "this is a bad bank". When my bank sent me a letter marked urgent which, stated that my bank had accidentally sold all my personal information to someone named Smiley in a nation called Wescrewustan I thought, this is a really bad bank. So, please no more bad banks. I already have one.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
It has been reported that a couple in California have had their late pet, a dog,cloned for a cost of over $100,000. Well tape long fluffy ears on my head and pin a tale on my backside and, I will go "bow wow" for $100,000. Heck, I'd go" bow wow" for $10.00.

POLITICS
Well it's official. Governor Blagojovich is no longer Governor. He was thrown out by the Illinois state senate. When Blag was asked what he is going to do next he replied "I'm going to Disney World".

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
The Steelers will win the Super Bowl by eight points and, why do they use Roman numerals when most people have trouble with American numerals? Isn't there supposed to be a difference between numbers and letters? Let's get it together folks. Finally, the Lions didn't loose this week. Hopefully they can carry on this new tradition

FASHION AND CELEBRITY NEWS
Sergorny Weaver is still one great looking lady. So is Linda Hamilton. The exclusive photo on the left shows MS Weaver in a beautiful silver dress that she recently wore exclusively for this publication.