SAY GOODBYE TO UNCLE OSLO: HE WENT OUT WITH A BANG

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well it is almost official. Nearly every state in the union is working to pass some sort of law to test future presidential candidates to see if they are really human or, if they are some sort of alien avatar that is seeking to suck out our brain cells and replace them with seed pods. It is of course too late to do anything about people in congress. Most of them had some kind of acid reflux disease in college which rendered them incapable of holding down a real job. Many people believe that it is impossible to get the attention of our congress. I disagree. Just shine some headlights at them and they will stand there and stare into the lights for hours.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
I hate it when Ted gets all political in his columns. Then, I have to read more e-mail complaints then we even have readers. So, for all you people out there who enjoy staring into headlights for hours, I most humbly apologize.

It seems that the stock market is not doing well because some countries over in Europe are about ready to go all 1970’s South America and declare bankruptcy. I guess things are so bad that the U.S. sent past Columbian dictator Manuel Noriega over to France to straighten things out for the Europeans. “Firing Squads VS the guillotine” should be a pretty good show for some histories greatest warriors cable show. Noriega and his firing squads and the French and their guillotine might sound good when you read it on the TV channel but, I think I’d put my money on the firing squad.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
The greatest outdoorsman I have ever known has died in a tragic underground explosion. I am of course talking about my Great Uncle Oslo. Uncle Oslo was a hunting and fishing maverick. He invented new ways to hunt and fish faster than the government could pass laws to ban them. Thanks to Uncle Oslo you can no longer hunt geese using lawn jarts or, use horse shoes to hunt chickadees. His electric chair for the snow shoe hair was once featured in “The Alternative Hunter Magazine.” He was also on 60 Minutes before he went to jail for helping his friend, Dr. Kevorkian.

The local police believe that Oslo was blown up by a still he kept hidden in an old bear cave. My aunt told me that in fact, Uncle Oslo was getting ready to go fishing and was busy making up some home made dynamite when the explosion occurred. My dad said Uncle Oslo would be alive today if he had only stuck to the old family recipe for making dynamite instead of downloading one off the internet.

There is some good to come out of the tragic death of my uncle. It seems that Uncle Oslo never told anyone as to whether he wanted his remains cremated or buried after he died. Well, since his body was instantly vaporized in the blast and then the ashes were buried when the bear cave caved in, one way or the other my uncle’s final wishes have been carried out.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
Well, I think next month is going to be hot. Talk about hot; I just got back from those desert states down south and out west. After a few days in that heat my turkey timer popped up and I was done. I also lost my life savings in Los Vegas. It will probably be another seven years until I can squirrel away another $100.00.

I was also the victim of the new racial profiling law in Arizona. I was not profiled because of my skin color. I’m so pasty white that the local funeral home calls me three times each week to see if they can drop by and pick up the corpse I have at my trailer. At first I thought it was the neighbor kids’ crank calling me again but, when I hit display on my phone and called the number back sure enough, it was the funeral home that had called me.

Anyway, I was targeted in Arizona by a hotel detective because of the clothing I had on. It seems that people in that state don’t like people who wear University of Michigan T-shirts at hotel lounges. Besides harassing me about my tee, this hotel cop accused me of stealing towels and toiletries out of my room and even off the cart of one of the cleaning ladies. Well, I agreed to return the towels and split half the toiletries with the cop. The toiletries are fruity smelling and are really too low class for this lady anyway. Of course after returning the towels I’m going to have to find mom another gift for her birthday.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
The movie Avatar was released on DVD. I guess the movie is really good but, I can’t watch it. Every time I watch a 3D movie I get a nose bleed. It seems the 3D effect makes me so sick to my stomach that I always throw up. Of course, the person I throw up on gets really mad and pops me and that’s when my nose starts to bleed. I’m afraid that Avatar has so much 3D effects in it that I’d most likely need a blood transfusion by the end of the movie. I’m just going to have to wait until Disney makes Avatar into a cartoon musical before I can see it. I do like Sigourney Weaver though so, I’d like to try and chance it and go see the movie anyway. Then, I start to remember how I hate to waste food, especially all that buttery popcorn. But, I just can’t bring myself around to eating popcorn that looks like someone sprayed strawberry jelly all over it.