IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well so far, after our preemptive attack upon the moon men last Friday, we have not suffered any apparent counter attack. It is unclear whether or not the moon facility that was allegedly creating an anti-matter weapon was destroyed. This is the only publication that seems to be reporting this story. All others have been repeating the government cover story that the explosions were supposed to churn up measurable amounts of water at the north pole of the moon. Of course this is rubbish. Our government has said that America will not be returning to the moon any time soon. So why would we be measuring for water when we are not going back there?
I decided to contact our scientific advisor to get his thoughts on the recent attack. Dr. Alyar is the best scientist I know and the only one that actually received government money to study ancient alien brain cells that have been fossilized into petoskey stones. The Doctor was difficult to contact since he is currently in prison for fraud and income tax evasion.
Once contacted, the doctor was quick to volunteer information for ten dollars. I offered to send him five bucks and he agreed to give me his scientific opinion regarding a possible retaliation by the moon creatures. The doctor said that “the moon creatures may not attack the earth by using conventional weapons. Instead they may use a negative mind-meld with the people of America which will cause them severe psychological problems. Americans may become paranoid schizophrenics who are so gullible that they will believe almost any crackpot idea on TV or the Internet.”
So there you have it. We have been attacked on a psychic level. That’s why we are so gullible that we believe the attack on the lunar pole was a scientific experiment instead of a preemptive strike against a superior race of beings, which are refining anti-matter to create a death star.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market roared to record yearly highs this week as the DJIA surpassed 10,000. It seems that the lack of a counter attack by the Giant Leap (moon creatures) served to bolster economic confidence. “This was like a celebration after defeating the Nazis in World War Two,” one investor noted.
One possible indication that not everyone is satisfied that the moon people will not anhilate us are those bidding up the price of gold this week. It is hard to understand what good gold will do you after your planet has been blown to bits by a death star.
In other business news, the health care debate goes on and on and on. Many people are literally getting sick of hearing about the debate. Don’t the people in Congress work with any kind of deadline. Maybe they just want to prolong our agony by their attempts at public debate. Based upon their skills at thinking on their feet, I think that Congressmen should submit all their answers to today’s most pressing problems in writing and in the form of a question. Then, let the judges on the game show “Jeopardy” decide if the Congressmen are right or wrong. Maybe the “Jeopardy” music during the final round would speed up some of the Congressional Membership.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 1 win and four losses. On Sunday Detroit will play at Green Bay. In Michigan you can’t buy beer until noon on Sunday so I don’t think I’ll be ready to watch the Lions play at one o’clock. I won’t say anymore. Good Luck Lions and good luck to the fans.
In Michigan college football: Michigan has a total of 4 wins and two losses, Michigan State has 3 wins and 3 losses and Little Central Michigan has 5 wins and one loss. CMU leads the MAC conference with a total of 5 wins and 1 loss. On Saturday CMU faces Western Michigan University. This is usually a really good game each year. CMU and Western are like cross town rivals in Michigan. After their win over Michigan State I will be betting on the Chips but, I’m not counting out a really tough football school like Western Michigan. Also, I’m picking Notre Damn over USC this weekend only because the Fighting Irish are in the Mid-West.
LOCAL NEWS
By Mike Colin
Well, we did not have much of a fall color season. The leaves turned brown and fell off the trees. It’s been dismal, cold and rainy up North. There were a few sightings of the Frankenmoose over the last couple of weeks. Several area towns have been celebrating Oktoberfest on the weekends. It seems at every Oktoberfest where there is a beer tent there are witnesses that say they saw the Frankenmoose. Now the Frankenmoose does love beer and bratwurst but, he is supposed to be incarcerated at area 91 which lies beneath the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. Maybe the Frankenmoose has escaped area 91 and the Men in Black? If he has he had better watch out because deer rifle season starts pretty soon.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
I’ve been busy polishing up Petoskey stones and selling them online. I don’t intend on becoming the next online millionaire but, between selling stuff online and my psychic readings, I’m finally working my way through this recession. I just need to find some cheap help to polish more stones up.
I’m predicting snow next week. I know it’s early but the spirits never lie. Well, my dead relatives lie to me all the time so I try not to dial them up. They call me. I never try to contact them. They mostly nag. My aunt Rose hates my hair. My aunt Violet keeps telling me I drink too much and my aunt Pansy told me my first husband didn’t like women. I know that. That’s why I dumped him.
So kids, don’t be so fast about wanting to talk to dead people. I know it’s real popular right now but, you don’t know who might show up. Even worse, around Halloween you don’t know what might show up.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Wow, wouldn’t it be cool to be a little kid and take off in a weather balloon built by your crazy old man. Especially one built out of tin foil and shaped like a flying saucer. That story was so cool and I felt sorry for the kid when I found out he really wasn’t in the balloon. I’d take a ride in that balloon in a minute if I ever got the chance. Of course it might take a little more helium in it to lift me off the ground.
I tried to take a helicopter ride this summer. I had the ticket and everything. I showed up bright and early that day for my trip over Grand Traverse Bay. The pilot, who also owned the helicopter, took one look at me and refunded my money. He told me I needed to charter a military transport helicopter in order to get off the ground. I think he was referring to my weight. I don’t know why I’m so big. I don’t eat nearly as much as my mom and yet we’re both about the same size.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Sherri and Carrie
Sherri: I went to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” It was not what I expected. It’s a kid’s movie. I thought it was some sort of fraternity/sorority crazy vampire flick. Boy was I wrong.
Carrie: And I bet a lot of guys will feel kind of stupid if they take their date to a kids flick. Unless of course the guy is under 12 years old.
Sherri: Most guys are mentally under 12 years old. I still like “Zombieland”. That’s a fun flick.
Carrie: “Zombieland” is about the only recent movie out there right now that is kind of a halloweenie flick.
Sherri: Yeah, only two more weeks and it’s Halloween and not much for new halloweenie flicks coming out. The Halloweener people in Hollywood must be on strike this year.
Carrie: Maybe fewer halloweenie movies will mean there will be more Halloween parties. A party is always better than a movie.
Sherri: Unless of course it’s a Star Trek movie.
Carrie: You got that right sister.
Showing posts with label SPORTS SATIRE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SPORTS SATIRE. Show all posts
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
BAROK OBAMA WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE THEN, NUKES THE MOON MEN
IN THE NEWS NEWS OCT 11
By Ted Colin
Well someone had to win. Why not give it to someone with a cool sounding name. He has improved America’s image in the world. He’s nice to people and drinks beer. Still, even with all these qualities, the president has ordered an unprovoked attack upon an ancient civilization that lives beneath the surface of the moon. According to our source, on Friday NASA launched a nuclear strike upon an area of the moon where according to our source; an anti-matter enrichment program was taking place. Anti-matter is the stuff that powers starships on Star Trek. It is the most powerful energy known to man. By taking just a small amount of anti-matter and colliding it with matter a massive explosion would occur.
Our source for this story is a CIA general who works at the Pentagon. Our operative has worked at the pentagon for more than thirty years. He wishes to be called anonymous. I was lucky to find General Anonymous sleeping on a railroad track in Frederick Michigan not far from a bar that Hemingway visited. This CIA operative was a true genius at his trade. He was obviously a deep cover agent since he was dressed in green camouflage rags and smelled like my uncle’s pig farm. Like a real tramp, this agent even asked me for a $10.00 handout. He said $10.00 was all that he needed to find nourishment for a day. I agreed to his terms as I helped him off the railroad tracks and over to the bar. It was early morning. The CIA agent told me he felt he had never left the place.
The agent shook uncontrollably until he had drank his first morning shot of bourbon. He still could not talk coherently until he downed half a bottle. Then he told me about the attack on the moon. It seems that the first astronauts sent back a garbled message which sounded like “One small leap for man. One giant leap for mankind.” This message was intentionally garbled by NASA. The real message was “One little Leap is as big as a man. One giant Leap could destroy mankind.” Hence life was discovered on the moon and the astronauts were there to begin negotiations with the moon creatures. Things went bad after the astronauts took off leaving garbage and waste water behind. Subsequent missions were no better so, the Leap banned Americans from the moon. That is the real reason we never returned.
Now, the Leap have been working to create enough anti-matter on the moon to fuel a new weapon. The Leap intends to turn the moon into a death star capable of destroying any planet in our solar system. NASA’s attack on the moon was a preemptive strike to neutralize the lab that was working to create anti-matter.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks ended the week higher with the DJIA ending at 9864.94. Gold has been hitting new highs recently as the world awaits the response of the Giant Leap to our attack. Other commodity prices are also heading higher as individuals and governments hoard items that could be used to rebuild civilization should the Giant Leap kill everyone and everything on our planet. Many governments were informed two years ago about the upcoming attack upon the moon. That is why the price of oil has skyrocketed and the U.S. currency continues to tank. Most nations feel since America was the aggressor in this case, America will fell the brunt of the retaliation.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
In professional football the Detroit Lions will host Pittsburgh at 1 p.m. Sunday. The Lions have 1 win and 3 losses. The Detroit Tigers lost to the Minnesota Twins and finished second in their division with 86 wins and 77 losses. The Twins have 87 wins and 76 losses.
In Big 10 College football Michigan State is ranked #5 and the U of M is ranked #8. Over in the MAC conference CMU is kicking some serious footballs. They beat Michigan State this year and are #1 in the MAC Conference West with an overall 5 wins and 1 loss. They also have the highest number of total wins of anyone in the MAC conference. Outstanding football from a small college in Mid-Michigan. CMU is located in Mt. Pleasant Michigan and I bet the entire college and town is feeling pleasant enough with the success of the CMU football team.
OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I went down to the “U Steel We Fence” pawn shop to see what local reaction is to the attack upon the Leap. The guy behind the counter said that because of the president he was selling more guns than ever. He must have met that people are getting ready to defend themselves in case the Leap invade. I noticed the guy had a tattoo that was similar to a medal my grandfather took off a Nazi he shot during World War II. I mentioned it to the guy and he would not talk to me anymore. Go figure.
No matter what happens I think that people that hunt and fish in the outdoors will have no problem surviving an invasion by the moon monsters. They may have super weapons but, we have lawn jarts and I know every place on the body that bleeds when hit by a jart. I have the emergency room bills to prove it.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
As my part of the war effort, in order to find out exactly how anti-matter worked and to pass on this information to my government, I tried contacting Mr. Scott who was chief engineer on the starship Enterprise. He told me that in order to get the real science behind anti-matter or death stars; I needed to contact Mr. Spook, the science officer. I tried all night to contact Mr. Spook but, I had no luck. So I called those two twin Star Trek girls, Laurie and Carrie, and they told me that Mr. Spook was still alive. They also said that he was just an actor and had no real scientific training. Who new?
My prediction about the war with the moon creatures is that there will not be one. Instead, the moon monsters are already destroying us by encouraging the Chinese to flood the U.S. with cheap plastic junk which will fill up our landfills and pollute our water and soil. The Leap already killed us while we were sleeping. That reminds me. I need to put my garbage out next week. I have a whole bunch of plastic nick knacks I’m getting rid of so I can up grade to better stuff.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Zombieland is number one at the box office. I’d like to see a movie made about the zombie brain eating flying squirrel outbreak we just had in Northern Michigan. Of course they never make movies about real zombies because people would get too scared. The Bruce Willis movie Surrogates was # 4 and local boy Michael Moore’s movie Capitalism: A Love Story was number 8 this week.
SPECIAL REPORT ON LOCAL VAMPIRES
By Mike Colin
I fell in love with the wrong girl again. This one was rich, had a big house and, a black Jaguar (Car not Cat). She gave me a place to stay (I was living under a bridge) and dressed me in nice clothes. She took me to fine restaurants and got me into one of the most exclusive night clubs in Traverse City. The only problem was that she happened to be a vampire.
Now I know many of you are thinking that I should not be so prejudiced. I know that society has become much more accepting of vampires recently and they are often portrayed as heroes on TV and in the movies. But, many times vampires are portrayed as being very violent. I personally do not believe that vampires are violent. My girlfriend (Stephanie was her name) never made any attempt to kill me or anyone else in my presence.
The first time I met Stephanie was inside an exclusive club I had been trying to get into every time I went bar hopping downtown. One night Stephanie got the bouncer to let me in so I went inside and introduced myself. We got to talking until almost dawn. Then she drove me back to her place. It was a fantastic house with black draperies and weird pictures hung all over the place. Stephanie told me that she would be my girlfriend if I’d move into her house. She told me that because of her religion she would stay in the basement and I would have to stay in the rest of the house. I also had to stay on the main floor during the day to make sure no one went down into the basement to bother her.
Now Stephanie was a real knock out with long flowing hair. She wore all black like she was really into the Goth lifestyle. Everything went well for a few weeks although, I never saw her in the daytime. I thought that must be when she was getting her beauty sleep because she went out every single night and never returned until just before dawn. I always went home by no latter than 1 o’clock. I just could not keep up with her night life.
One day my psychic friend Madam Misty told me that Stephanie was actually a vampire. Madam Misty said that Stephanie was just using me to guard her while she was dormant during the daytime. This seemed to make sense because when I sneaked down into the basement the only thing there was a box full of dirt.
I went to the club to confront Stephanie and she freely admitted that she was a 300 year old vampire. We went outside the club and she gave me a kiss. It was a kiss goodbye. She told me I could keep the house and the Jaguar along with a large stash of cash which was hidden under her box. She then turned away from me, sprouted wings and flew off into the night. I was amazed to see her join up with a bunch of other vampires all flying south in a “V” formation like they were geese flying south for the winter.
By Ted Colin
Well someone had to win. Why not give it to someone with a cool sounding name. He has improved America’s image in the world. He’s nice to people and drinks beer. Still, even with all these qualities, the president has ordered an unprovoked attack upon an ancient civilization that lives beneath the surface of the moon. According to our source, on Friday NASA launched a nuclear strike upon an area of the moon where according to our source; an anti-matter enrichment program was taking place. Anti-matter is the stuff that powers starships on Star Trek. It is the most powerful energy known to man. By taking just a small amount of anti-matter and colliding it with matter a massive explosion would occur.
Our source for this story is a CIA general who works at the Pentagon. Our operative has worked at the pentagon for more than thirty years. He wishes to be called anonymous. I was lucky to find General Anonymous sleeping on a railroad track in Frederick Michigan not far from a bar that Hemingway visited. This CIA operative was a true genius at his trade. He was obviously a deep cover agent since he was dressed in green camouflage rags and smelled like my uncle’s pig farm. Like a real tramp, this agent even asked me for a $10.00 handout. He said $10.00 was all that he needed to find nourishment for a day. I agreed to his terms as I helped him off the railroad tracks and over to the bar. It was early morning. The CIA agent told me he felt he had never left the place.
The agent shook uncontrollably until he had drank his first morning shot of bourbon. He still could not talk coherently until he downed half a bottle. Then he told me about the attack on the moon. It seems that the first astronauts sent back a garbled message which sounded like “One small leap for man. One giant leap for mankind.” This message was intentionally garbled by NASA. The real message was “One little Leap is as big as a man. One giant Leap could destroy mankind.” Hence life was discovered on the moon and the astronauts were there to begin negotiations with the moon creatures. Things went bad after the astronauts took off leaving garbage and waste water behind. Subsequent missions were no better so, the Leap banned Americans from the moon. That is the real reason we never returned.
Now, the Leap have been working to create enough anti-matter on the moon to fuel a new weapon. The Leap intends to turn the moon into a death star capable of destroying any planet in our solar system. NASA’s attack on the moon was a preemptive strike to neutralize the lab that was working to create anti-matter.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks ended the week higher with the DJIA ending at 9864.94. Gold has been hitting new highs recently as the world awaits the response of the Giant Leap to our attack. Other commodity prices are also heading higher as individuals and governments hoard items that could be used to rebuild civilization should the Giant Leap kill everyone and everything on our planet. Many governments were informed two years ago about the upcoming attack upon the moon. That is why the price of oil has skyrocketed and the U.S. currency continues to tank. Most nations feel since America was the aggressor in this case, America will fell the brunt of the retaliation.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
In professional football the Detroit Lions will host Pittsburgh at 1 p.m. Sunday. The Lions have 1 win and 3 losses. The Detroit Tigers lost to the Minnesota Twins and finished second in their division with 86 wins and 77 losses. The Twins have 87 wins and 76 losses.
In Big 10 College football Michigan State is ranked #5 and the U of M is ranked #8. Over in the MAC conference CMU is kicking some serious footballs. They beat Michigan State this year and are #1 in the MAC Conference West with an overall 5 wins and 1 loss. They also have the highest number of total wins of anyone in the MAC conference. Outstanding football from a small college in Mid-Michigan. CMU is located in Mt. Pleasant Michigan and I bet the entire college and town is feeling pleasant enough with the success of the CMU football team.
OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I went down to the “U Steel We Fence” pawn shop to see what local reaction is to the attack upon the Leap. The guy behind the counter said that because of the president he was selling more guns than ever. He must have met that people are getting ready to defend themselves in case the Leap invade. I noticed the guy had a tattoo that was similar to a medal my grandfather took off a Nazi he shot during World War II. I mentioned it to the guy and he would not talk to me anymore. Go figure.
No matter what happens I think that people that hunt and fish in the outdoors will have no problem surviving an invasion by the moon monsters. They may have super weapons but, we have lawn jarts and I know every place on the body that bleeds when hit by a jart. I have the emergency room bills to prove it.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
As my part of the war effort, in order to find out exactly how anti-matter worked and to pass on this information to my government, I tried contacting Mr. Scott who was chief engineer on the starship Enterprise. He told me that in order to get the real science behind anti-matter or death stars; I needed to contact Mr. Spook, the science officer. I tried all night to contact Mr. Spook but, I had no luck. So I called those two twin Star Trek girls, Laurie and Carrie, and they told me that Mr. Spook was still alive. They also said that he was just an actor and had no real scientific training. Who new?
My prediction about the war with the moon creatures is that there will not be one. Instead, the moon monsters are already destroying us by encouraging the Chinese to flood the U.S. with cheap plastic junk which will fill up our landfills and pollute our water and soil. The Leap already killed us while we were sleeping. That reminds me. I need to put my garbage out next week. I have a whole bunch of plastic nick knacks I’m getting rid of so I can up grade to better stuff.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Zombieland is number one at the box office. I’d like to see a movie made about the zombie brain eating flying squirrel outbreak we just had in Northern Michigan. Of course they never make movies about real zombies because people would get too scared. The Bruce Willis movie Surrogates was # 4 and local boy Michael Moore’s movie Capitalism: A Love Story was number 8 this week.
SPECIAL REPORT ON LOCAL VAMPIRES
By Mike Colin
I fell in love with the wrong girl again. This one was rich, had a big house and, a black Jaguar (Car not Cat). She gave me a place to stay (I was living under a bridge) and dressed me in nice clothes. She took me to fine restaurants and got me into one of the most exclusive night clubs in Traverse City. The only problem was that she happened to be a vampire.
Now I know many of you are thinking that I should not be so prejudiced. I know that society has become much more accepting of vampires recently and they are often portrayed as heroes on TV and in the movies. But, many times vampires are portrayed as being very violent. I personally do not believe that vampires are violent. My girlfriend (Stephanie was her name) never made any attempt to kill me or anyone else in my presence.
The first time I met Stephanie was inside an exclusive club I had been trying to get into every time I went bar hopping downtown. One night Stephanie got the bouncer to let me in so I went inside and introduced myself. We got to talking until almost dawn. Then she drove me back to her place. It was a fantastic house with black draperies and weird pictures hung all over the place. Stephanie told me that she would be my girlfriend if I’d move into her house. She told me that because of her religion she would stay in the basement and I would have to stay in the rest of the house. I also had to stay on the main floor during the day to make sure no one went down into the basement to bother her.
Now Stephanie was a real knock out with long flowing hair. She wore all black like she was really into the Goth lifestyle. Everything went well for a few weeks although, I never saw her in the daytime. I thought that must be when she was getting her beauty sleep because she went out every single night and never returned until just before dawn. I always went home by no latter than 1 o’clock. I just could not keep up with her night life.
One day my psychic friend Madam Misty told me that Stephanie was actually a vampire. Madam Misty said that Stephanie was just using me to guard her while she was dormant during the daytime. This seemed to make sense because when I sneaked down into the basement the only thing there was a box full of dirt.
I went to the club to confront Stephanie and she freely admitted that she was a 300 year old vampire. We went outside the club and she gave me a kiss. It was a kiss goodbye. She told me I could keep the house and the Jaguar along with a large stash of cash which was hidden under her box. She then turned away from me, sprouted wings and flew off into the night. I was amazed to see her join up with a bunch of other vampires all flying south in a “V” formation like they were geese flying south for the winter.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
DOCTOR STEIN FRANKEN ADMITS TO MAKING OTHER MONSTERS
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The stock market has been in the crapper lately and prices for groceries keep going up. Everyone is losing their homes, cars and, other belonging to the bank vampires and the warlocks on Wall Street. With all the economic ills in the world, Americans have come up with a novel idea to combat poverty, despair and, starvation. Americans are raising chickens. A friend of mine who has no life, said she was listening to NPR radio the other day and they spent an entire hour talking about raising chickens in the backyard.
I would have thought this was just another story that talk radio would use to fill up air time but, low and behold, someone in our own downtown Traverse City has been allowed to have some hen chickens inside the city. It was said that roosters crow too much in the morning and would wake people up. Personally, I think the ban on roosters is just a case of pure discrimination against males. Maybe the city will ban males of other species from the city. Maybe even human males will be banned from town. I think we need to defend our fellow males against discrimination even if those males are part of a different species. I’m going to e-mail my Congressman informing him that banning males of any species from any area is just plain wrong.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Lions have broken their two year losing streak. They are still ranked last in the National Conference North. Detroit will play Chicago in football on Sunday. Even with their dismal record, I have to shut-up about the past two years. I must look to the future of Lions football and not dwell on the past or I will jinx them. Many people think I am the person who jinxed the Lions because of my negative commentary. The problem is I’ve only been doing commentary since January 2009.
In the rest of the sports that I care about, the Tigers seem assured of clinching the American League Central Title. Detroit will finish the season with a three-game series against Chicago. The game will be played at home but, I don’t care since I can’t afford a ticket or the gas to get there. Good luck Tigers!!!!
Saturday is the big game between Michigan and Michigan State. Michigan should win but, the whole state will be in turmoil if Michigan State wins. Michigan State lost to Central Michigan University. If Michigan State wins then Central would be the number one college football team in Michigan. This is like a Davey and Goliath Claymation cartoon. If a tiny University in Mid-Michigan is better at football than two of the largest Universities in the country then, those bigger schools need to review their priorities. All high schools and colleges are evaluated strictly on the basis of their football team. If you want a good job, forget learning anything. You have to go to a school with an awesome football team or you’ll end up managing the third shift at a fast food restaurant love fast food after midnight.
It seems that Oprah, President Obama and, others were unsuccessful at getting the Olympic Committee to pick Chicago as the future host of the Olympic Games. Some people are blaming the President for the failure of Chicago to secure the Olympic torch. I, on the other hand, blame Oprah. Oprah should have made sure that the members of the Olympic Committee understood that if Chicago were to get the Olympic Games then, each committee member could find a set of keys to a new car under their chairs.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Due to the bad economy, I predict that a lot more adults will be gong trick or treating for candy this year. The trailer park I live in is supposed to have an apple bobbing contest. The only thing that you get for grabbing an apple with just your mouth without the help of your hands is the apple. I think I will pass on the contest. I’m afraid those apples might get slobbered on quite a bit before someone grabs one out. I’ll most likely go to my friend Opals’ house on Halloween. She has the best parties because she is a real witch. She is even certified. I guess you have to be certified as a witch before you can buy the wand, broom and black pot that witches need for their magical spells.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Doctor Stein Franken has admitted today that he indeed sewed together the dying body parts of a human, a tiger and, a moose. This story has been covered a lot and that’s why the editor (Tim) is burying the story in the science and technology section. Tim knows that no one will ever read it.
There is one new admission that Dr. Franken has made which is news. It seems that Dr. Franken has sewn other creatures together thus; creating other hideous monsters that may still inhabit the woods and farmlands of Michigan. Dr. Franken said he was forced to work on building beasts for the government. The doctor was evidently kidnapped and taken below some sand dunes. Evidently, there is some secret base there called Area 91. Dr. Franken described the people who kidnapped him to be dressed in black suits and that they drove a black limo. It sounds like Dr. Franken was kidnapped by the Blues Brothers. Now, Dr. Franken, who is a German immigrant (someone should check on this nuts status), is known to spend a lot of time at the beer tent during Oktoberfest. So, did he create other monsters for the government or, is his story just the beer and bratwurst talking?
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
My friend Mike Colin is on special assignment for the month of October so I and others will be writing this column. I guess Mike was wrong last week about the Michael Moore movie called “Capitalism: A Love Story”. It was explained to me by the editor of this publication (the jerk named Tim), that the movie was just a satire (whatever the heck that means). Tim said the movie was not about a love story set in the nation’s capital. Capitalist and capital are two different things I was told but, I think the guys that own the capital are the ones that practice capitalism. The guys that practice capitalism have the capital to buy the politicians in the nation’s capital. That’s just my opinion and does not reflect the views of this publication. It also does not make any sense. I wish I hadn't written it but, I'm having problems with my keyboard and can't backspace to delete the crap I just wrote. If Tim wasn't so lazy he'd edit this blog instead of just hitting the send button.
One thing Tim Colin (the editor) does not understand is that he (Tim) was born the same day as one of my heroes, Charleston Heston. They were both born on October 4 which is this coming Sunday.Charlton Heston and Michael Moore once had a big argument over gun rights. There are still lots of people taking pot shots at me when I’m out in the woods so, guess who won the gun argument?
Unlike how I feel about Tim, I really like the late Charlton Heston. He was great in the movies “Soylent Green” and,” The Omega Man”. He was pretty good in the two “Planet of the Apes”, movies he did. The only problem I had was in the movie “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”. In that movie, Mr. Heston fought against the really cool psychic, psycho deformed humans. These humans only wanted to protect their bomb from the apes and Charlton blew them all to Heck. Just because someone is a freak, does not mean that they are bad. Take myself for instance. I am 27years old and raise rats in my mother’s basement for a living. Some people (Tim) keep calling me “rat boy” behind my back. But, I think I am the most normal person in Northern Michigan.
INTERVIEWS WITH VAMPIRES
MY GIRLFRIEND BITES
By Mike Colin
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve) I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite. Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee . It seems my girlfriend is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of fangs on them with drips of blood tattoos running down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool. Next week I'll tell you the rest of the story about my girlfriend the vamp lady.
By Ted Colin
The stock market has been in the crapper lately and prices for groceries keep going up. Everyone is losing their homes, cars and, other belonging to the bank vampires and the warlocks on Wall Street. With all the economic ills in the world, Americans have come up with a novel idea to combat poverty, despair and, starvation. Americans are raising chickens. A friend of mine who has no life, said she was listening to NPR radio the other day and they spent an entire hour talking about raising chickens in the backyard.
I would have thought this was just another story that talk radio would use to fill up air time but, low and behold, someone in our own downtown Traverse City has been allowed to have some hen chickens inside the city. It was said that roosters crow too much in the morning and would wake people up. Personally, I think the ban on roosters is just a case of pure discrimination against males. Maybe the city will ban males of other species from the city. Maybe even human males will be banned from town. I think we need to defend our fellow males against discrimination even if those males are part of a different species. I’m going to e-mail my Congressman informing him that banning males of any species from any area is just plain wrong.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Lions have broken their two year losing streak. They are still ranked last in the National Conference North. Detroit will play Chicago in football on Sunday. Even with their dismal record, I have to shut-up about the past two years. I must look to the future of Lions football and not dwell on the past or I will jinx them. Many people think I am the person who jinxed the Lions because of my negative commentary. The problem is I’ve only been doing commentary since January 2009.
In the rest of the sports that I care about, the Tigers seem assured of clinching the American League Central Title. Detroit will finish the season with a three-game series against Chicago. The game will be played at home but, I don’t care since I can’t afford a ticket or the gas to get there. Good luck Tigers!!!!
Saturday is the big game between Michigan and Michigan State. Michigan should win but, the whole state will be in turmoil if Michigan State wins. Michigan State lost to Central Michigan University. If Michigan State wins then Central would be the number one college football team in Michigan. This is like a Davey and Goliath Claymation cartoon. If a tiny University in Mid-Michigan is better at football than two of the largest Universities in the country then, those bigger schools need to review their priorities. All high schools and colleges are evaluated strictly on the basis of their football team. If you want a good job, forget learning anything. You have to go to a school with an awesome football team or you’ll end up managing the third shift at a fast food restaurant love fast food after midnight.
It seems that Oprah, President Obama and, others were unsuccessful at getting the Olympic Committee to pick Chicago as the future host of the Olympic Games. Some people are blaming the President for the failure of Chicago to secure the Olympic torch. I, on the other hand, blame Oprah. Oprah should have made sure that the members of the Olympic Committee understood that if Chicago were to get the Olympic Games then, each committee member could find a set of keys to a new car under their chairs.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Due to the bad economy, I predict that a lot more adults will be gong trick or treating for candy this year. The trailer park I live in is supposed to have an apple bobbing contest. The only thing that you get for grabbing an apple with just your mouth without the help of your hands is the apple. I think I will pass on the contest. I’m afraid those apples might get slobbered on quite a bit before someone grabs one out. I’ll most likely go to my friend Opals’ house on Halloween. She has the best parties because she is a real witch. She is even certified. I guess you have to be certified as a witch before you can buy the wand, broom and black pot that witches need for their magical spells.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Doctor Stein Franken has admitted today that he indeed sewed together the dying body parts of a human, a tiger and, a moose. This story has been covered a lot and that’s why the editor (Tim) is burying the story in the science and technology section. Tim knows that no one will ever read it.
There is one new admission that Dr. Franken has made which is news. It seems that Dr. Franken has sewn other creatures together thus; creating other hideous monsters that may still inhabit the woods and farmlands of Michigan. Dr. Franken said he was forced to work on building beasts for the government. The doctor was evidently kidnapped and taken below some sand dunes. Evidently, there is some secret base there called Area 91. Dr. Franken described the people who kidnapped him to be dressed in black suits and that they drove a black limo. It sounds like Dr. Franken was kidnapped by the Blues Brothers. Now, Dr. Franken, who is a German immigrant (someone should check on this nuts status), is known to spend a lot of time at the beer tent during Oktoberfest. So, did he create other monsters for the government or, is his story just the beer and bratwurst talking?
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
My friend Mike Colin is on special assignment for the month of October so I and others will be writing this column. I guess Mike was wrong last week about the Michael Moore movie called “Capitalism: A Love Story”. It was explained to me by the editor of this publication (the jerk named Tim), that the movie was just a satire (whatever the heck that means). Tim said the movie was not about a love story set in the nation’s capital. Capitalist and capital are two different things I was told but, I think the guys that own the capital are the ones that practice capitalism. The guys that practice capitalism have the capital to buy the politicians in the nation’s capital. That’s just my opinion and does not reflect the views of this publication. It also does not make any sense. I wish I hadn't written it but, I'm having problems with my keyboard and can't backspace to delete the crap I just wrote. If Tim wasn't so lazy he'd edit this blog instead of just hitting the send button.
One thing Tim Colin (the editor) does not understand is that he (Tim) was born the same day as one of my heroes, Charleston Heston. They were both born on October 4 which is this coming Sunday.Charlton Heston and Michael Moore once had a big argument over gun rights. There are still lots of people taking pot shots at me when I’m out in the woods so, guess who won the gun argument?
Unlike how I feel about Tim, I really like the late Charlton Heston. He was great in the movies “Soylent Green” and,” The Omega Man”. He was pretty good in the two “Planet of the Apes”, movies he did. The only problem I had was in the movie “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”. In that movie, Mr. Heston fought against the really cool psychic, psycho deformed humans. These humans only wanted to protect their bomb from the apes and Charlton blew them all to Heck. Just because someone is a freak, does not mean that they are bad. Take myself for instance. I am 27years old and raise rats in my mother’s basement for a living. Some people (Tim) keep calling me “rat boy” behind my back. But, I think I am the most normal person in Northern Michigan.
INTERVIEWS WITH VAMPIRES
MY GIRLFRIEND BITES
By Mike Colin
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve) I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite. Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee . It seems my girlfriend is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of fangs on them with drips of blood tattoos running down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool. Next week I'll tell you the rest of the story about my girlfriend the vamp lady.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
HEIRESS EATEN BY GREAT WHITE SHARK IN LAKE MICHIGAN
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Colonel Moa mar Gadaffi pitched his tent at Donald Trumps place and road a camel over to the United Nations. General Colin Powell was waiting for the colonel and our great general gave the colonel quite a tongue lashing for wearing boots covered with camel dung. General Powell made the colonel clean the dung from his boots. Then, General Powell made Colonel Gadaffi give him 100 push-ups. General Powell will now be awarded a medal from the UN General Assembly for taking some of the wind out of what would have been a 4 hour speech. As for Donald Trump, as soon as Colonel Gadaffi left his tent, The Donald began to renovate the tent into a casino. The new casino, which will open Tuesday, will be known as the Triple E Palms. The U.S. Marine Corp. Marching Band will perform at the grand opening. Or will they be in Tripoli Libya on Tuesday, like in their fight song?
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The DJIA has been floundering under 10,000 this month while gold has run up past the $1,000 per ounce price. Oil has declined below $70.00 per barrel bid on the open markets.
A brand new anti-smoking product may be coming to grocery and liquor stores across the nation (for many Americans liquor stores are our grocery stores). This device is a long sugar based flavored candy which has the shape of a cigarette. These “candy cigarettes” have been approved by the FDA and will not need a prescription. It is hoped that this new item will eliminate the need for any type of national health insurance. If everyone just sucked on “candy cigarettes” all day then they would not be ingesting deadly tobacco products. However, according the FDA, Dental insurance coverage might be much harder to get. The price for these new cigarette substitutes will start at about $35.00 per pack.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Tigers are still winning games. They just beat the Twins 6-2 and still lead the American League Central Division with 79 games.
The Detroit Lions are not doing so well, losing to the Minnesota Vikings 13-27. The next game will be with the Redskins on September 27. After 19 strait losses since 2007, maybe the best thing the Lions could do is, like a low rated TV show that network executives like, go on hiatus for the rest of this season. The Lions management, owners and players need to just kick back for this season and watch other football teams and see, how the game is played. By watching other professional football teams, college teams, high school and pee wee football teams, the Lions might gain some pointers. Some might argue that paying players to just observe other teams would be paying them to do nothing. Well, I think the big oval egg on the scoreboard at the end of every single game, pretty much signifies the same thing.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Tim Colin
A great white shark has swallowed famed heiress to the Bitter Boy Candy Company, Barbara [Bitter] Butter. According to Bernard Butter, Barbara Butters’ Husband and Becky Baker, Bernard’s’ personal business buddy, Barbara Butter was last seen swimming off the beach just south of Frankfurt Michigan. According to the couple, they both watched in horror as the great white shark sped toward the heiress and rose up underneath the poor lady with its mouth wide open. Bernard and Becky had to heroically hold each other back from the deadly waters as Barbara’s body was tossed into the air and then slipped into the jaws of the great white shark. Mr. Butter said it was just like in the movie “Jaws”, which he had watched the night before.
The coast guard and local authorities have initiated a round the clock search for any trace of the body or the shark. Bernard Butter said that the body was never going to be found in Lake Michigan. Mr. Butter went on to say that they had just com from the nearby Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. “You know,’’ he said, “The sand is so soft and light at the dunes that your body can sink right into it. You could dig a hole there six feet deep in no time and then fill it in and no one would ever know you dug it’”.
Barbara Butter was 43 years old and was preceded in death by two sons from a previous marriage, Basil and Benson Berger. The sons died tragically while camping in Montana with their loving stepfather when, they were eaten by alligators. Bernard Butter is the soul heir to 15 billion dollars. All other heirs died as a result of being eaten by various animals thus, leaving no trace of the bodies. It seems the luck of the Bitter Boy Candy heirs is bitter indeed. The tragic death of his wife but, the, huge inheritance, has made Mr. Butters’ life bitter sweet. He and his personal business buddy Becky have announced they are getting married in order to dull the pain caused by that monster of the deep, the Michigan great white shark
.PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
The following are my predictions for November. The great spirits of the north have told me that the Great Lakes Region will be really chilled when the “gales of November come early” Just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, the ship called the “Edmond Fitzgerald will be remembered again this year. Everyone will think of the fated ship when they see sheets of ice flying down their streets and wondering if they put the cat or dog in before the ice storm hit. People also wonder if they might have to share the cat and dog food if they happen to get iced in.
A couple of UFO’s will be sighted heading across the North American skies. They will be landing near Grand Traverse Bay. They will be seeking some wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard. They won’t be drinking it but, just want a few bottles as pricey souvenirs to sell on some galactic form of eBay called Galaxybay. Instead of using UPS to deliver their packages: these aliens teleport their items using their brains.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Local Mancelona film maker Michael Moore has a new film out called “Capitalism: A love story”. Because this film has the words “love story”, in the title, I think it must be some sort of chick flick. In addition, the word “Capitalism” in the title implies it is set in Washington D.C. (or maybe Lansing MI). So, we have a love chick flick film set at the capital. It must be about affairs by senators and congressmen. Or maybe, it’s about affairs between senators and congressmen (they always have those closed door sessions). At any rate, I most likely won’t go to see a chick flick film unless I’m dragged to it. I like action/adventure films. The best films have very little talking in them. The best written scripts are all about snappy lines like Arnold Swartzenager uses for example “Stick around” from “Predator” or, “I’ll be back” from “The Terminator”.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
Scientists have announced that they think they have found a cure for aids. I’ve been wearing a hearing aid since I was five years old. The one I have now is barely noticeable but, other people still bring it up in conversation between themselves. I know that because I can hear them make remarks like “Rat boy is deaf. He can’t possibly be listening to us talk about him”. Well, I’m not deaf. I’m only impaired and, raising rats is the family business I inherited from my father when he ran away. I am not a rat boy. Besides, mom says someday some girl will be lucky to marry me and become the wife of a rich rat baron, tycoon.
Until then, I’ll just live with my rats in my mom’s basement. I’ve got it nice down there. I’ve got a cot to sleep on and, a TV and a hot plate and a little refrigerator for my condiments and cheese. There, I am the king of my domain. All I am missing is a queen to rule it with.
By Ted Collin
Colonel Moa mar Gadaffi pitched his tent at Donald Trumps place and road a camel over to the United Nations. General Colin Powell was waiting for the colonel and our great general gave the colonel quite a tongue lashing for wearing boots covered with camel dung. General Powell made the colonel clean the dung from his boots. Then, General Powell made Colonel Gadaffi give him 100 push-ups. General Powell will now be awarded a medal from the UN General Assembly for taking some of the wind out of what would have been a 4 hour speech. As for Donald Trump, as soon as Colonel Gadaffi left his tent, The Donald began to renovate the tent into a casino. The new casino, which will open Tuesday, will be known as the Triple E Palms. The U.S. Marine Corp. Marching Band will perform at the grand opening. Or will they be in Tripoli Libya on Tuesday, like in their fight song?
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The DJIA has been floundering under 10,000 this month while gold has run up past the $1,000 per ounce price. Oil has declined below $70.00 per barrel bid on the open markets.
A brand new anti-smoking product may be coming to grocery and liquor stores across the nation (for many Americans liquor stores are our grocery stores). This device is a long sugar based flavored candy which has the shape of a cigarette. These “candy cigarettes” have been approved by the FDA and will not need a prescription. It is hoped that this new item will eliminate the need for any type of national health insurance. If everyone just sucked on “candy cigarettes” all day then they would not be ingesting deadly tobacco products. However, according the FDA, Dental insurance coverage might be much harder to get. The price for these new cigarette substitutes will start at about $35.00 per pack.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Tigers are still winning games. They just beat the Twins 6-2 and still lead the American League Central Division with 79 games.
The Detroit Lions are not doing so well, losing to the Minnesota Vikings 13-27. The next game will be with the Redskins on September 27. After 19 strait losses since 2007, maybe the best thing the Lions could do is, like a low rated TV show that network executives like, go on hiatus for the rest of this season. The Lions management, owners and players need to just kick back for this season and watch other football teams and see, how the game is played. By watching other professional football teams, college teams, high school and pee wee football teams, the Lions might gain some pointers. Some might argue that paying players to just observe other teams would be paying them to do nothing. Well, I think the big oval egg on the scoreboard at the end of every single game, pretty much signifies the same thing.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Tim Colin
A great white shark has swallowed famed heiress to the Bitter Boy Candy Company, Barbara [Bitter] Butter. According to Bernard Butter, Barbara Butters’ Husband and Becky Baker, Bernard’s’ personal business buddy, Barbara Butter was last seen swimming off the beach just south of Frankfurt Michigan. According to the couple, they both watched in horror as the great white shark sped toward the heiress and rose up underneath the poor lady with its mouth wide open. Bernard and Becky had to heroically hold each other back from the deadly waters as Barbara’s body was tossed into the air and then slipped into the jaws of the great white shark. Mr. Butter said it was just like in the movie “Jaws”, which he had watched the night before.
The coast guard and local authorities have initiated a round the clock search for any trace of the body or the shark. Bernard Butter said that the body was never going to be found in Lake Michigan. Mr. Butter went on to say that they had just com from the nearby Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. “You know,’’ he said, “The sand is so soft and light at the dunes that your body can sink right into it. You could dig a hole there six feet deep in no time and then fill it in and no one would ever know you dug it’”.
Barbara Butter was 43 years old and was preceded in death by two sons from a previous marriage, Basil and Benson Berger. The sons died tragically while camping in Montana with their loving stepfather when, they were eaten by alligators. Bernard Butter is the soul heir to 15 billion dollars. All other heirs died as a result of being eaten by various animals thus, leaving no trace of the bodies. It seems the luck of the Bitter Boy Candy heirs is bitter indeed. The tragic death of his wife but, the, huge inheritance, has made Mr. Butters’ life bitter sweet. He and his personal business buddy Becky have announced they are getting married in order to dull the pain caused by that monster of the deep, the Michigan great white shark
.PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
The following are my predictions for November. The great spirits of the north have told me that the Great Lakes Region will be really chilled when the “gales of November come early” Just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, the ship called the “Edmond Fitzgerald will be remembered again this year. Everyone will think of the fated ship when they see sheets of ice flying down their streets and wondering if they put the cat or dog in before the ice storm hit. People also wonder if they might have to share the cat and dog food if they happen to get iced in.
A couple of UFO’s will be sighted heading across the North American skies. They will be landing near Grand Traverse Bay. They will be seeking some wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard. They won’t be drinking it but, just want a few bottles as pricey souvenirs to sell on some galactic form of eBay called Galaxybay. Instead of using UPS to deliver their packages: these aliens teleport their items using their brains.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Local Mancelona film maker Michael Moore has a new film out called “Capitalism: A love story”. Because this film has the words “love story”, in the title, I think it must be some sort of chick flick. In addition, the word “Capitalism” in the title implies it is set in Washington D.C. (or maybe Lansing MI). So, we have a love chick flick film set at the capital. It must be about affairs by senators and congressmen. Or maybe, it’s about affairs between senators and congressmen (they always have those closed door sessions). At any rate, I most likely won’t go to see a chick flick film unless I’m dragged to it. I like action/adventure films. The best films have very little talking in them. The best written scripts are all about snappy lines like Arnold Swartzenager uses for example “Stick around” from “Predator” or, “I’ll be back” from “The Terminator”.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
Scientists have announced that they think they have found a cure for aids. I’ve been wearing a hearing aid since I was five years old. The one I have now is barely noticeable but, other people still bring it up in conversation between themselves. I know that because I can hear them make remarks like “Rat boy is deaf. He can’t possibly be listening to us talk about him”. Well, I’m not deaf. I’m only impaired and, raising rats is the family business I inherited from my father when he ran away. I am not a rat boy. Besides, mom says someday some girl will be lucky to marry me and become the wife of a rich rat baron, tycoon.
Until then, I’ll just live with my rats in my mom’s basement. I’ve got it nice down there. I’ve got a cot to sleep on and, a TV and a hot plate and a little refrigerator for my condiments and cheese. There, I am the king of my domain. All I am missing is a queen to rule it with.
Friday, September 25, 2009
MICHIGAN GREAT WHITE SHARK EATS HEIRESS
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Colonel Moa mar Gadaffi pitched his tent at Donald Trumps place and road a camel over to the United Nations. General Colin Powell was waiting for the colonel and our great general gave the colonel quite a tongue lashing for wearing boots covered with camel dung. General Powell made the colonel clean the dung from his boots. Then, General Powell made Colonel Gadaffi give him 100 push-ups. General Powell will now be awarded a medal from the UN General Assembly for taking some of the wind out of what would have been a 4 hour speech. As for Donald Trump, as soon as Colonel Gadaffi left his tent, The Donald began to renovate the tent into a casino. The new casino, which will open Tuesday, will be known as the Triple E Palms. The U.S. Marine Corp. Marching Band will perform at the grand opening. Or will they be in Tripoli Libya on Tuesday, like in their fight song?
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The DJIA has been floundering under 10,000 this month while gold has run up past the $1,000 per ounce price. Oil has declined below $70.00 per barrel bid on the open markets.
A brand new anti-smoking product may be coming to grocery and liquor stores across the nation (for many Americans liquor stores are our grocery stores). This device is a long sugar based flavored candy which has the shape of a cigarette. These “candy cigarettes” have been approved by the FDA and will not need a prescription. It is hoped that this new item will eliminate the need for any type of national health insurance. If everyone just sucked on “candy cigarettes” all day then they would not be ingesting deadly tobacco products. However, according the FDA, Dental insurance coverage might be much harder to get. The price for these new cigarette substitutes will start at about $35.00 per pack.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Tigers are still winning games. They just beat the Twins 6-2 and still lead the American League Central Division with 79 games.
The Detroit Lions are not doing so well, losing to the Minnesota Vikings 13-27. The next game will be with the Redskins on September 27. After 19 strait losses since 2007, maybe the best thing the Lions could do is, like a low rated TV show that network executives like, go on hiatus for the rest of this season. The Lions management, owners and players need to just kick back for this season and watch other football teams and see, how the game is played. By watching other professional football teams, college teams, high school and pee wee football teams, the Lions might gain some pointers. Some might argue that paying players to just observe other teams would be paying them to do nothing. Well, I think the big oval egg on the scoreboard at the end of every single game, pretty much signifies the same thing.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Tim Colin
A great white shark has swallowed famed heiress to the Bitter Boy Candy Company, Barbara [Bitter] Butter. According to Bernard Butter, Barbara Butters’ Husband and Becky Baker, Bernard’s’ personal business buddy, Barbara Butter was last seen swimming off the beach just south of Frankfurt Michigan. According to the couple, they both watched in horror as the great white shark sped toward the heiress and rose up underneath the poor lady with its mouth wide open. Bernard and Becky had to heroically hold each other back from the deadly waters as Barbara’s body was tossed into the air and then slipped into the jaws of the great white shark. Mr. Butter said it was just like in the movie “Jaws”, which he had watched the night before.
The coast guard and local authorities have initiated a round the clock search for any trace of the body or the shark. Bernard Butter said that the body was never going to be found in Lake Michigan. Mr. Butter went on to say that they had just com from the nearby Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. “You know,’’ he said, “The sand is so soft and light at the dunes that your body can sink right into it. You could dig a hole there six feet deep in no time and then fill it in and no one would ever know you dug it’”.
Barbara Butter was 43 years old and was preceded in death by two sons from a previous marriage, Basil and Benson Berger. The sons died tragically while camping in Montana with their loving stepfather when, they were eaten by alligators. Bernard Butter is the soul heir to 15 billion dollars. All other heirs died as a result of being eaten by various animals thus, leaving no trace of the bodies. It seems the luck of the Bitter Boy Candy heirs is bitter indeed. The tragic death of his wife but, the, huge inheritance, has made Mr. Butters’ life bitter sweet. He and his personal business buddy Becky have announced they are getting married in order to dull the pain caused by that monster of the deep, the Michigan great white shark.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
The following are my predictions for November. The great spirits of the north have told me that the Great Lakes Region will be really chilled when the “gales of November come early” Just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, the ship called the “Edmond Fitzgerald will be remembered again this year. Everyone will think of the fated ship when they see sheets of ice flying down their streets and wondering if they put the cat or dog in before the ice storm hit. People also wonder if they might have to share the cat and dog food if they happen to get iced in.
A couple of UFO’s will be sighted heading across the North American skies. They will be landing near Grand Traverse Bay. They will be seeking some wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard. They won’t be drinking it but, just want a few bottles as pricey souvenirs to sell on some galactic form of eBay called Galaxybay. Instead of using UPS to deliver their packages: these aliens teleport their items using their brains.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Local Mancelona film maker Michael Moore has a new film out called “Capitalism: A love story”. Because this film has the words “love story”, in the title, I think it must be some sort of chick flick. In addition, the word “Capitalism” in the title implies it is set in Washington D.C. (or maybe Lansing MI). So, we have a love chick flick film set at the capital. It must be about affairs by senators and congressmen. Or maybe, it’s about affairs between senators and congressmen (they always have those closed door sessions). At any rate, I most likely won’t go to see a chick flick film unless I’m dragged to it. I like action/adventure films. The best films have very little talking in them. The best written scripts are all about snappy lines like Arnold Swartzenager uses for example “Stick around” from “Predator” or, “I’ll be back” from “The Terminator”.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
Scientists have announced that they think they have found a cure for aids. I’ve been wearing a hearing aid since I was five years old. The one I have now is barely noticeable but, other people still bring it up in conversation between themselves. I know that because I can hear them make remarks like “Rat boy is deaf. He can’t possibly be listening to us talk about him”. Well, I’m not deaf. I’m only impaired and, raising rats is the family business I inherited from my father when he ran away. I am not a rat boy. Besides, mom says someday some girl will be lucky to marry me and become the wife of a rich rat baron, tycoon.
Until then, I’ll just live with my rats in my mom’s basement. I’ve got it nice down there. I’ve got a cot to sleep on and, a TV and a hot plate and a little refrigerator for my condiments and cheese. There, I am the king of my domain. All I am missing is a queen to rule it with.
By Ted Collin
Colonel Moa mar Gadaffi pitched his tent at Donald Trumps place and road a camel over to the United Nations. General Colin Powell was waiting for the colonel and our great general gave the colonel quite a tongue lashing for wearing boots covered with camel dung. General Powell made the colonel clean the dung from his boots. Then, General Powell made Colonel Gadaffi give him 100 push-ups. General Powell will now be awarded a medal from the UN General Assembly for taking some of the wind out of what would have been a 4 hour speech. As for Donald Trump, as soon as Colonel Gadaffi left his tent, The Donald began to renovate the tent into a casino. The new casino, which will open Tuesday, will be known as the Triple E Palms. The U.S. Marine Corp. Marching Band will perform at the grand opening. Or will they be in Tripoli Libya on Tuesday, like in their fight song?
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The DJIA has been floundering under 10,000 this month while gold has run up past the $1,000 per ounce price. Oil has declined below $70.00 per barrel bid on the open markets.
A brand new anti-smoking product may be coming to grocery and liquor stores across the nation (for many Americans liquor stores are our grocery stores). This device is a long sugar based flavored candy which has the shape of a cigarette. These “candy cigarettes” have been approved by the FDA and will not need a prescription. It is hoped that this new item will eliminate the need for any type of national health insurance. If everyone just sucked on “candy cigarettes” all day then they would not be ingesting deadly tobacco products. However, according the FDA, Dental insurance coverage might be much harder to get. The price for these new cigarette substitutes will start at about $35.00 per pack.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Tigers are still winning games. They just beat the Twins 6-2 and still lead the American League Central Division with 79 games.
The Detroit Lions are not doing so well, losing to the Minnesota Vikings 13-27. The next game will be with the Redskins on September 27. After 19 strait losses since 2007, maybe the best thing the Lions could do is, like a low rated TV show that network executives like, go on hiatus for the rest of this season. The Lions management, owners and players need to just kick back for this season and watch other football teams and see, how the game is played. By watching other professional football teams, college teams, high school and pee wee football teams, the Lions might gain some pointers. Some might argue that paying players to just observe other teams would be paying them to do nothing. Well, I think the big oval egg on the scoreboard at the end of every single game, pretty much signifies the same thing.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Tim Colin
A great white shark has swallowed famed heiress to the Bitter Boy Candy Company, Barbara [Bitter] Butter. According to Bernard Butter, Barbara Butters’ Husband and Becky Baker, Bernard’s’ personal business buddy, Barbara Butter was last seen swimming off the beach just south of Frankfurt Michigan. According to the couple, they both watched in horror as the great white shark sped toward the heiress and rose up underneath the poor lady with its mouth wide open. Bernard and Becky had to heroically hold each other back from the deadly waters as Barbara’s body was tossed into the air and then slipped into the jaws of the great white shark. Mr. Butter said it was just like in the movie “Jaws”, which he had watched the night before.
The coast guard and local authorities have initiated a round the clock search for any trace of the body or the shark. Bernard Butter said that the body was never going to be found in Lake Michigan. Mr. Butter went on to say that they had just com from the nearby Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. “You know,’’ he said, “The sand is so soft and light at the dunes that your body can sink right into it. You could dig a hole there six feet deep in no time and then fill it in and no one would ever know you dug it’”.
Barbara Butter was 43 years old and was preceded in death by two sons from a previous marriage, Basil and Benson Berger. The sons died tragically while camping in Montana with their loving stepfather when, they were eaten by alligators. Bernard Butter is the soul heir to 15 billion dollars. All other heirs died as a result of being eaten by various animals thus, leaving no trace of the bodies. It seems the luck of the Bitter Boy Candy heirs is bitter indeed. The tragic death of his wife but, the, huge inheritance, has made Mr. Butters’ life bitter sweet. He and his personal business buddy Becky have announced they are getting married in order to dull the pain caused by that monster of the deep, the Michigan great white shark.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
The following are my predictions for November. The great spirits of the north have told me that the Great Lakes Region will be really chilled when the “gales of November come early” Just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, the ship called the “Edmond Fitzgerald will be remembered again this year. Everyone will think of the fated ship when they see sheets of ice flying down their streets and wondering if they put the cat or dog in before the ice storm hit. People also wonder if they might have to share the cat and dog food if they happen to get iced in.
A couple of UFO’s will be sighted heading across the North American skies. They will be landing near Grand Traverse Bay. They will be seeking some wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard. They won’t be drinking it but, just want a few bottles as pricey souvenirs to sell on some galactic form of eBay called Galaxybay. Instead of using UPS to deliver their packages: these aliens teleport their items using their brains.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Local Mancelona film maker Michael Moore has a new film out called “Capitalism: A love story”. Because this film has the words “love story”, in the title, I think it must be some sort of chick flick. In addition, the word “Capitalism” in the title implies it is set in Washington D.C. (or maybe Lansing MI). So, we have a love chick flick film set at the capital. It must be about affairs by senators and congressmen. Or maybe, it’s about affairs between senators and congressmen (they always have those closed door sessions). At any rate, I most likely won’t go to see a chick flick film unless I’m dragged to it. I like action/adventure films. The best films have very little talking in them. The best written scripts are all about snappy lines like Arnold Swartzenager uses for example “Stick around” from “Predator” or, “I’ll be back” from “The Terminator”.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
Scientists have announced that they think they have found a cure for aids. I’ve been wearing a hearing aid since I was five years old. The one I have now is barely noticeable but, other people still bring it up in conversation between themselves. I know that because I can hear them make remarks like “Rat boy is deaf. He can’t possibly be listening to us talk about him”. Well, I’m not deaf. I’m only impaired and, raising rats is the family business I inherited from my father when he ran away. I am not a rat boy. Besides, mom says someday some girl will be lucky to marry me and become the wife of a rich rat baron, tycoon.
Until then, I’ll just live with my rats in my mom’s basement. I’ve got it nice down there. I’ve got a cot to sleep on and, a TV and a hot plate and a little refrigerator for my condiments and cheese. There, I am the king of my domain. All I am missing is a queen to rule it with.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
21 YEARS AFTER THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER ATTACKED
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
This week the Obama administration announced that it was moving its proposed missile shield from Eastern Europe out to mobile ships at sea. The shield is not really a shield at all, like a force field in Star Trek or Star Wars. It is instead made up of thousands of tiny rocket ships that are supposed to hit and destroy any missiles coming out of Iran or Iraq or some other country that has a name starting with the pronoun “I”. Next, we’ll have to invade Iceland. Maybe we should go after the Ipod community. During the Clinton years we attacked Yugoslavia which starts with the pronoun “You”. I see a pattern here. I hope the next nation on the list isn’t Italy.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
Well my brother was partly right about the MSU and CMU game last weekend. He thought it would be a good game but, MSU would win in the end. Well, it was a pretty messy game in terms of funky plays but, CMU ended up winning. I had a little too much beer bong to remember the details but, I remember thinking at the time “what in the heck are you people from Mid-Michigan doing?” Well, it worked.
I might not be as great a davenport potato sports watcher as my brother Tim but, I’m going to be joining a dart league to play this winter. I’m a great athlete when it comes to darts and lawn jarts. I would have formed a lawn jart league this summer but, my brother Mike kept having to be taken to the emergency room. It seems he believes he should try to block the incoming lawn jarts. He does the same thing when we play horse shoes.
In pro sports, the Lions lost to New Orleans 27-45. They will play Minnesota on September 20th. The Tigers are still up by about 4 games in their division. They will play a triple header with Minnesota on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim is sick this week so the rest of us have to do more work to get this blog published. I don’t know anything about Wall Street so I’m not going to mention it. Oops, I guess I just mentioned it (ha, ha, LOL).
I did start a tour guide business in order to make some quick cash. I’ve been taking people around to see sights like Old Skeggy, the Skegmog Lake Monster, the Sand Dunes and the quicksand holes that my brother and I found a couple of weeks ago. I charge $10.00 each for the entire tour which, I think is real reasonable. I have gas expense plus, I have to buy a bucket of Chicken from KFC in order to get Old Skeggy to appear. I did learn early on that I needed to collect my money before I gave the tour and not wait until it was over. It seems everyone just takes off and disappears when we get to the quicksand holes. I guess they are just board but, I don’t know how they make it back to town. I always wait around at the van but, no one ever shows up so I go home having banked some quick bucks. Maybe, if I get some repeat business and through word of mouth; my tour guide business might grow and become a way for me to make a living.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Ted Colin
Today is the 21st anniversary of the creation of the Frankenmoose monster. Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leapt out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human, Teamster driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.
A Dr. Stein Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. The doctor had just retuned from a beer festival in Frankenmuth and still had his lederhosen on. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slams into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival. The resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of a human being. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.
Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. The creature escaped the barn the doctor had it in and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chewing on any grass fans brought with them into the stadium.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful narcotic into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game. The monster was taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Suttons Bay Michigan.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.
Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.
I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.
I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.
I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.
In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Halle Barry allowed herself to an interview on the new Jay Leno show. Jay was lucky to get a great actress on his show. The first night of his new show Jay Leno had Seinfeld on. My mom loves Jerry Seinfeld. I relate more to Neumann myself.
Talk about action actors I relate to, Bruce Willis is coming out with a new Sci-fi flick called Surrogates. It is something to do with humans living out their lives through androids. It should be pretty good. Bruce Willis movies usually move along real fast and they are not full of a bunch of guys trying to get in touch with their inner emotions. That is unless your inner emotions cause you to want to kick the crap out of bad guys. I doubt I get a date for this movie.
By Ted Colin
This week the Obama administration announced that it was moving its proposed missile shield from Eastern Europe out to mobile ships at sea. The shield is not really a shield at all, like a force field in Star Trek or Star Wars. It is instead made up of thousands of tiny rocket ships that are supposed to hit and destroy any missiles coming out of Iran or Iraq or some other country that has a name starting with the pronoun “I”. Next, we’ll have to invade Iceland. Maybe we should go after the Ipod community. During the Clinton years we attacked Yugoslavia which starts with the pronoun “You”. I see a pattern here. I hope the next nation on the list isn’t Italy.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
Well my brother was partly right about the MSU and CMU game last weekend. He thought it would be a good game but, MSU would win in the end. Well, it was a pretty messy game in terms of funky plays but, CMU ended up winning. I had a little too much beer bong to remember the details but, I remember thinking at the time “what in the heck are you people from Mid-Michigan doing?” Well, it worked.
I might not be as great a davenport potato sports watcher as my brother Tim but, I’m going to be joining a dart league to play this winter. I’m a great athlete when it comes to darts and lawn jarts. I would have formed a lawn jart league this summer but, my brother Mike kept having to be taken to the emergency room. It seems he believes he should try to block the incoming lawn jarts. He does the same thing when we play horse shoes.
In pro sports, the Lions lost to New Orleans 27-45. They will play Minnesota on September 20th. The Tigers are still up by about 4 games in their division. They will play a triple header with Minnesota on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim is sick this week so the rest of us have to do more work to get this blog published. I don’t know anything about Wall Street so I’m not going to mention it. Oops, I guess I just mentioned it (ha, ha, LOL).
I did start a tour guide business in order to make some quick cash. I’ve been taking people around to see sights like Old Skeggy, the Skegmog Lake Monster, the Sand Dunes and the quicksand holes that my brother and I found a couple of weeks ago. I charge $10.00 each for the entire tour which, I think is real reasonable. I have gas expense plus, I have to buy a bucket of Chicken from KFC in order to get Old Skeggy to appear. I did learn early on that I needed to collect my money before I gave the tour and not wait until it was over. It seems everyone just takes off and disappears when we get to the quicksand holes. I guess they are just board but, I don’t know how they make it back to town. I always wait around at the van but, no one ever shows up so I go home having banked some quick bucks. Maybe, if I get some repeat business and through word of mouth; my tour guide business might grow and become a way for me to make a living.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Ted Colin
Today is the 21st anniversary of the creation of the Frankenmoose monster. Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leapt out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human, Teamster driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.
A Dr. Stein Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. The doctor had just retuned from a beer festival in Frankenmuth and still had his lederhosen on. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slams into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival. The resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of a human being. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.
Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. The creature escaped the barn the doctor had it in and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chewing on any grass fans brought with them into the stadium.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful narcotic into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game. The monster was taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Suttons Bay Michigan.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.
Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.
I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.
I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.
I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.
In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Halle Barry allowed herself to an interview on the new Jay Leno show. Jay was lucky to get a great actress on his show. The first night of his new show Jay Leno had Seinfeld on. My mom loves Jerry Seinfeld. I relate more to Neumann myself.
Talk about action actors I relate to, Bruce Willis is coming out with a new Sci-fi flick called Surrogates. It is something to do with humans living out their lives through androids. It should be pretty good. Bruce Willis movies usually move along real fast and they are not full of a bunch of guys trying to get in touch with their inner emotions. That is unless your inner emotions cause you to want to kick the crap out of bad guys. I doubt I get a date for this movie.
Friday, September 11, 2009
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
President Obama gave his health care speech last Wednesday. Most people were very disappointed. No where in his speech did he say anything about hiring one million more single female nurses. Many of us guys are looking for professional women who can support us financially and, take care of us like a mother (or kind nurse) when we get sick. Furthermore, in terms of cutting health care costs, if everyone married a nurse, health care costs could be cut by half or more. At least that’s what the guys said last night while we were playing cards. The nurse/wife could take care of all the minor accidents like getting stabbed while playing lawn jarts or cutting off your toes while playing lumber jack with the electric hedge trimmer. The savings from eliminating emergency room care would be fantastic. There are hundreds of tasks a wife/nurse could perform that would save millions in doctor’s visits. So, instead of requiring everyone in America to buy expensive insurance they can’t afford, everyone should be forced to marry a nurse, doctor or, some other health care worker.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
To quote Steve Martin the stock market has been “one wild and crazy guy”. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is up this week but, it has been bouncing frantically up and down in a 700 point range for several weeks now. The pundits all say the economy is improving and I guess they’re right. I’m finding fewer people are picking up beer cans downtown on Saturday morning so, I have a lot more weekend play money than I did earlier this year. The armature canners must be feeling wealthier and not bothering to go canning.
It was announced this week that Disney is buying Marvel Entertainment for 4 billion dollars. Disney has changed a great deal over the last several years. It has gone from being a Mickey Mouse outfit to a high school, Hanna Montana musical business. Marvel Entertainment has brought us such hits as The Fantastic Four, Iron Man and The Incredible hulk. I didn’t know The Hulk could sing or that Iron Man could break dance. Disney has announced that High School Musical Fantastic Four will be available for sale by Christmas.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
I’m not sure if I’ll watch the Lions play the Saints on Monday. Last year every time I watched the Lions play I thought I jinxed them since, they always lost. Of course when I didn’t watch the Lions play I also thought I jinxed them into loosing. I guess I’ll flip a coin. Anyway, Stafford has finally been picked to be the starting QB. It’s about time a decision was made on who would be the starting QB. Some years the Lions wait until the season is over and then decide who they should have picked as QB. Well, I had better shut up. This year I know they will do better. If the Lions do as well as the Tigers this year I’ll think about deleting all the negative press I’ve given them over last years program.
In upcoming games:
The Lions play the Saints on Monday,
The Tigers play the Blue Jays on Friday, Saturday and, Sunday.
One college game that might be interesting is the game between Central Michigan University and Michigan State. MSU will most likely win but, sometimes CMU pulls off a fast one on old MSU.
THE OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
A Brief Swim in Quicksand
By Tim Colin
I have seen a lot of movies where either the bad guy or the monster drowns in quick sand. I thought it would be interesting to find some quick sand to see first hand what the stuff was really made of. A warning to the public: QUICK SAND IS VERY DANGERROUS SO, IF YOU WANT TO GO SWIMMING IN IT YOU HAD BEST NOT GO ALONE. I was able to get my brother Mike to come along with me on this trip. I promised him he could keep all the cans and bottles we found so he could turn them in for the deposit money.
We picked a fast moving river that ran through a swamp. It had been raining for over a week so the river was about three times deeper and moved much faster than usual. We each wore waders since sometimes the water went up to the crack under your knee caps. We waded down stream from where we were parked for over an hour but, we did not find any quick sand. Finally, we had a little action. My brother had wandered off down river about a hundred feet or so when he lost his footing and was grabbed by the current and rushed down river over sharp rocks, sharp sticks and logs as hard as concrete. I smirked a little when he fell in but, when I saw his head bobble away down the rapids I decided I would be expected to at least go look for his body.
Just as I was moving along the river bank trying to figure out how I would explain my brothers demise to my parents and his new girlfriend, wouldn’t you know it, I stepped into some quick sand and was up to my waste in liquid earth. I immediately yelled for my brother Mike to come and save me in the off chance he had managed to save himself and could thus, save me. I yelled several times but, he never showed up so I knew I was on my own. I decided as I sank that I was not going to give up. I wanted to live to inherit some money from my parents one day. With my brother Mike and myself gone, my brother Ted would get everything. I just could not stand that thought. I had to find a way out.
The problem with quick sand is that the more you struggle the more you sink. I was already up to my belly button and I knew I would not last long. I would have done something based on science but, I flunked chemistry in high school and took mostly PE and Wood Shop classes for electives.
Finally, I had some luck. An overhanging branch from a spruce tree was just in reach of my finger tips. Gradually, I worked my entire hand up the branch then; I grabbed the branch with my other hand and pulled my body up, out of my waders and safely onto muddy, but stable ground. I sat there a couple of minutes covered with mud. My shoes and waders were long gone so I would have to make my way back to the car with just my wet socks on. When I got to the car, my brother Mike was there. He had a lot of cuts and bruises but, he was still alive. He told me that the river wound around back up towards the pull off where the car was parked. Mike said that as he sailed past our car he grabbed onto a piece of brush hanging out over the river.
I told Mike that as I rushed to save him, I fell into quick sand and almost died I then asked him why he didn’t come when I hollered for him .He claimed he didn’t hear me scream. He said the rush of the river was so loud that my calls for help must have been drowned out.
In conclusion, you should be careful when looking for quick sand along Michigan’s rivers, lakes and, streams. If you do fall into quick sand hopefully there is a low hanging branch near by so that you can pull yourself out. You see in the woods of Northern Michigan, if you get into trouble, one can hear you scream.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Like most psychics, I use a number of methods and tools to predict the future. Taro cards, rare magical stones, crystal balls and various personal possessions of the dearly or even nearly departed. Today I used a wee gee board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I went into my predictive trance but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got snockered on her own corn liquor. Then, she fell asleep smoking a cigar on a hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to all put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.
Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2009. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!
During the year 2009 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what’s inside that counts; it’s what your face looks like.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
I like Kate Beckinale. She plays a U.S. Marshal in a Movie called “White Out”. In the movie, Kate tries to track down a killer in Antarctica. It’s rated R because it has so much violent action in it. I might ask my mother if she would loan me the money so I can go see this movie. I expect to make a lot of money selling the rats I raise to college psychology classes this fall but, so far I haven’t received any orders so my cash funds are kind of low.
Tyler Perry has another Madea film out. What can I say? It’s another Madea film. There are usually some hot chicks in his movies but, this one is about kids so I think I will pass.
I will also pass on the Disney flick “High School Musical Fantastic Four”. I like the Incredible Hulk better than the four space mutant guys. I don’t like dancing or musicals anyway. They bring back some bad memories about marching band. I was always getting yelled at for being out of step and ending up in the wrong spot on the football field. I was also looked down on by the other kids since I was the only kid that played the accordion in marching band. What’s worse, even though I was the only accordion player, the band leader never made me first chair. It’s humiliating to be the second chair accordion player when I was the only one that played the accordion. That met I never got to do a solo.
By Tim Colin
President Obama gave his health care speech last Wednesday. Most people were very disappointed. No where in his speech did he say anything about hiring one million more single female nurses. Many of us guys are looking for professional women who can support us financially and, take care of us like a mother (or kind nurse) when we get sick. Furthermore, in terms of cutting health care costs, if everyone married a nurse, health care costs could be cut by half or more. At least that’s what the guys said last night while we were playing cards. The nurse/wife could take care of all the minor accidents like getting stabbed while playing lawn jarts or cutting off your toes while playing lumber jack with the electric hedge trimmer. The savings from eliminating emergency room care would be fantastic. There are hundreds of tasks a wife/nurse could perform that would save millions in doctor’s visits. So, instead of requiring everyone in America to buy expensive insurance they can’t afford, everyone should be forced to marry a nurse, doctor or, some other health care worker.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
To quote Steve Martin the stock market has been “one wild and crazy guy”. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is up this week but, it has been bouncing frantically up and down in a 700 point range for several weeks now. The pundits all say the economy is improving and I guess they’re right. I’m finding fewer people are picking up beer cans downtown on Saturday morning so, I have a lot more weekend play money than I did earlier this year. The armature canners must be feeling wealthier and not bothering to go canning.
It was announced this week that Disney is buying Marvel Entertainment for 4 billion dollars. Disney has changed a great deal over the last several years. It has gone from being a Mickey Mouse outfit to a high school, Hanna Montana musical business. Marvel Entertainment has brought us such hits as The Fantastic Four, Iron Man and The Incredible hulk. I didn’t know The Hulk could sing or that Iron Man could break dance. Disney has announced that High School Musical Fantastic Four will be available for sale by Christmas.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
I’m not sure if I’ll watch the Lions play the Saints on Monday. Last year every time I watched the Lions play I thought I jinxed them since, they always lost. Of course when I didn’t watch the Lions play I also thought I jinxed them into loosing. I guess I’ll flip a coin. Anyway, Stafford has finally been picked to be the starting QB. It’s about time a decision was made on who would be the starting QB. Some years the Lions wait until the season is over and then decide who they should have picked as QB. Well, I had better shut up. This year I know they will do better. If the Lions do as well as the Tigers this year I’ll think about deleting all the negative press I’ve given them over last years program.
In upcoming games:
The Lions play the Saints on Monday,
The Tigers play the Blue Jays on Friday, Saturday and, Sunday.
One college game that might be interesting is the game between Central Michigan University and Michigan State. MSU will most likely win but, sometimes CMU pulls off a fast one on old MSU.
THE OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
A Brief Swim in Quicksand
By Tim Colin
I have seen a lot of movies where either the bad guy or the monster drowns in quick sand. I thought it would be interesting to find some quick sand to see first hand what the stuff was really made of. A warning to the public: QUICK SAND IS VERY DANGERROUS SO, IF YOU WANT TO GO SWIMMING IN IT YOU HAD BEST NOT GO ALONE. I was able to get my brother Mike to come along with me on this trip. I promised him he could keep all the cans and bottles we found so he could turn them in for the deposit money.
We picked a fast moving river that ran through a swamp. It had been raining for over a week so the river was about three times deeper and moved much faster than usual. We each wore waders since sometimes the water went up to the crack under your knee caps. We waded down stream from where we were parked for over an hour but, we did not find any quick sand. Finally, we had a little action. My brother had wandered off down river about a hundred feet or so when he lost his footing and was grabbed by the current and rushed down river over sharp rocks, sharp sticks and logs as hard as concrete. I smirked a little when he fell in but, when I saw his head bobble away down the rapids I decided I would be expected to at least go look for his body.
Just as I was moving along the river bank trying to figure out how I would explain my brothers demise to my parents and his new girlfriend, wouldn’t you know it, I stepped into some quick sand and was up to my waste in liquid earth. I immediately yelled for my brother Mike to come and save me in the off chance he had managed to save himself and could thus, save me. I yelled several times but, he never showed up so I knew I was on my own. I decided as I sank that I was not going to give up. I wanted to live to inherit some money from my parents one day. With my brother Mike and myself gone, my brother Ted would get everything. I just could not stand that thought. I had to find a way out.
The problem with quick sand is that the more you struggle the more you sink. I was already up to my belly button and I knew I would not last long. I would have done something based on science but, I flunked chemistry in high school and took mostly PE and Wood Shop classes for electives.
Finally, I had some luck. An overhanging branch from a spruce tree was just in reach of my finger tips. Gradually, I worked my entire hand up the branch then; I grabbed the branch with my other hand and pulled my body up, out of my waders and safely onto muddy, but stable ground. I sat there a couple of minutes covered with mud. My shoes and waders were long gone so I would have to make my way back to the car with just my wet socks on. When I got to the car, my brother Mike was there. He had a lot of cuts and bruises but, he was still alive. He told me that the river wound around back up towards the pull off where the car was parked. Mike said that as he sailed past our car he grabbed onto a piece of brush hanging out over the river.
I told Mike that as I rushed to save him, I fell into quick sand and almost died I then asked him why he didn’t come when I hollered for him .He claimed he didn’t hear me scream. He said the rush of the river was so loud that my calls for help must have been drowned out.
In conclusion, you should be careful when looking for quick sand along Michigan’s rivers, lakes and, streams. If you do fall into quick sand hopefully there is a low hanging branch near by so that you can pull yourself out. You see in the woods of Northern Michigan, if you get into trouble, one can hear you scream.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Like most psychics, I use a number of methods and tools to predict the future. Taro cards, rare magical stones, crystal balls and various personal possessions of the dearly or even nearly departed. Today I used a wee gee board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I went into my predictive trance but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got snockered on her own corn liquor. Then, she fell asleep smoking a cigar on a hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to all put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.
Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2009. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!
During the year 2009 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what’s inside that counts; it’s what your face looks like.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
I like Kate Beckinale. She plays a U.S. Marshal in a Movie called “White Out”. In the movie, Kate tries to track down a killer in Antarctica. It’s rated R because it has so much violent action in it. I might ask my mother if she would loan me the money so I can go see this movie. I expect to make a lot of money selling the rats I raise to college psychology classes this fall but, so far I haven’t received any orders so my cash funds are kind of low.
Tyler Perry has another Madea film out. What can I say? It’s another Madea film. There are usually some hot chicks in his movies but, this one is about kids so I think I will pass.
I will also pass on the Disney flick “High School Musical Fantastic Four”. I like the Incredible Hulk better than the four space mutant guys. I don’t like dancing or musicals anyway. They bring back some bad memories about marching band. I was always getting yelled at for being out of step and ending up in the wrong spot on the football field. I was also looked down on by the other kids since I was the only kid that played the accordion in marching band. What’s worse, even though I was the only accordion player, the band leader never made me first chair. It’s humiliating to be the second chair accordion player when I was the only one that played the accordion. That met I never got to do a solo.
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