IN THE NEWS NEWS OCT 11
By Ted Colin
Well someone had to win. Why not give it to someone with a cool sounding name. He has improved America’s image in the world. He’s nice to people and drinks beer. Still, even with all these qualities, the president has ordered an unprovoked attack upon an ancient civilization that lives beneath the surface of the moon. According to our source, on Friday NASA launched a nuclear strike upon an area of the moon where according to our source; an anti-matter enrichment program was taking place. Anti-matter is the stuff that powers starships on Star Trek. It is the most powerful energy known to man. By taking just a small amount of anti-matter and colliding it with matter a massive explosion would occur.
Our source for this story is a CIA general who works at the Pentagon. Our operative has worked at the pentagon for more than thirty years. He wishes to be called anonymous. I was lucky to find General Anonymous sleeping on a railroad track in Frederick Michigan not far from a bar that Hemingway visited. This CIA operative was a true genius at his trade. He was obviously a deep cover agent since he was dressed in green camouflage rags and smelled like my uncle’s pig farm. Like a real tramp, this agent even asked me for a $10.00 handout. He said $10.00 was all that he needed to find nourishment for a day. I agreed to his terms as I helped him off the railroad tracks and over to the bar. It was early morning. The CIA agent told me he felt he had never left the place.
The agent shook uncontrollably until he had drank his first morning shot of bourbon. He still could not talk coherently until he downed half a bottle. Then he told me about the attack on the moon. It seems that the first astronauts sent back a garbled message which sounded like “One small leap for man. One giant leap for mankind.” This message was intentionally garbled by NASA. The real message was “One little Leap is as big as a man. One giant Leap could destroy mankind.” Hence life was discovered on the moon and the astronauts were there to begin negotiations with the moon creatures. Things went bad after the astronauts took off leaving garbage and waste water behind. Subsequent missions were no better so, the Leap banned Americans from the moon. That is the real reason we never returned.
Now, the Leap have been working to create enough anti-matter on the moon to fuel a new weapon. The Leap intends to turn the moon into a death star capable of destroying any planet in our solar system. NASA’s attack on the moon was a preemptive strike to neutralize the lab that was working to create anti-matter.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks ended the week higher with the DJIA ending at 9864.94. Gold has been hitting new highs recently as the world awaits the response of the Giant Leap to our attack. Other commodity prices are also heading higher as individuals and governments hoard items that could be used to rebuild civilization should the Giant Leap kill everyone and everything on our planet. Many governments were informed two years ago about the upcoming attack upon the moon. That is why the price of oil has skyrocketed and the U.S. currency continues to tank. Most nations feel since America was the aggressor in this case, America will fell the brunt of the retaliation.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
In professional football the Detroit Lions will host Pittsburgh at 1 p.m. Sunday. The Lions have 1 win and 3 losses. The Detroit Tigers lost to the Minnesota Twins and finished second in their division with 86 wins and 77 losses. The Twins have 87 wins and 76 losses.
In Big 10 College football Michigan State is ranked #5 and the U of M is ranked #8. Over in the MAC conference CMU is kicking some serious footballs. They beat Michigan State this year and are #1 in the MAC Conference West with an overall 5 wins and 1 loss. They also have the highest number of total wins of anyone in the MAC conference. Outstanding football from a small college in Mid-Michigan. CMU is located in Mt. Pleasant Michigan and I bet the entire college and town is feeling pleasant enough with the success of the CMU football team.
OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I went down to the “U Steel We Fence” pawn shop to see what local reaction is to the attack upon the Leap. The guy behind the counter said that because of the president he was selling more guns than ever. He must have met that people are getting ready to defend themselves in case the Leap invade. I noticed the guy had a tattoo that was similar to a medal my grandfather took off a Nazi he shot during World War II. I mentioned it to the guy and he would not talk to me anymore. Go figure.
No matter what happens I think that people that hunt and fish in the outdoors will have no problem surviving an invasion by the moon monsters. They may have super weapons but, we have lawn jarts and I know every place on the body that bleeds when hit by a jart. I have the emergency room bills to prove it.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
As my part of the war effort, in order to find out exactly how anti-matter worked and to pass on this information to my government, I tried contacting Mr. Scott who was chief engineer on the starship Enterprise. He told me that in order to get the real science behind anti-matter or death stars; I needed to contact Mr. Spook, the science officer. I tried all night to contact Mr. Spook but, I had no luck. So I called those two twin Star Trek girls, Laurie and Carrie, and they told me that Mr. Spook was still alive. They also said that he was just an actor and had no real scientific training. Who new?
My prediction about the war with the moon creatures is that there will not be one. Instead, the moon monsters are already destroying us by encouraging the Chinese to flood the U.S. with cheap plastic junk which will fill up our landfills and pollute our water and soil. The Leap already killed us while we were sleeping. That reminds me. I need to put my garbage out next week. I have a whole bunch of plastic nick knacks I’m getting rid of so I can up grade to better stuff.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Zombieland is number one at the box office. I’d like to see a movie made about the zombie brain eating flying squirrel outbreak we just had in Northern Michigan. Of course they never make movies about real zombies because people would get too scared. The Bruce Willis movie Surrogates was # 4 and local boy Michael Moore’s movie Capitalism: A Love Story was number 8 this week.
SPECIAL REPORT ON LOCAL VAMPIRES
By Mike Colin
I fell in love with the wrong girl again. This one was rich, had a big house and, a black Jaguar (Car not Cat). She gave me a place to stay (I was living under a bridge) and dressed me in nice clothes. She took me to fine restaurants and got me into one of the most exclusive night clubs in Traverse City. The only problem was that she happened to be a vampire.
Now I know many of you are thinking that I should not be so prejudiced. I know that society has become much more accepting of vampires recently and they are often portrayed as heroes on TV and in the movies. But, many times vampires are portrayed as being very violent. I personally do not believe that vampires are violent. My girlfriend (Stephanie was her name) never made any attempt to kill me or anyone else in my presence.
The first time I met Stephanie was inside an exclusive club I had been trying to get into every time I went bar hopping downtown. One night Stephanie got the bouncer to let me in so I went inside and introduced myself. We got to talking until almost dawn. Then she drove me back to her place. It was a fantastic house with black draperies and weird pictures hung all over the place. Stephanie told me that she would be my girlfriend if I’d move into her house. She told me that because of her religion she would stay in the basement and I would have to stay in the rest of the house. I also had to stay on the main floor during the day to make sure no one went down into the basement to bother her.
Now Stephanie was a real knock out with long flowing hair. She wore all black like she was really into the Goth lifestyle. Everything went well for a few weeks although, I never saw her in the daytime. I thought that must be when she was getting her beauty sleep because she went out every single night and never returned until just before dawn. I always went home by no latter than 1 o’clock. I just could not keep up with her night life.
One day my psychic friend Madam Misty told me that Stephanie was actually a vampire. Madam Misty said that Stephanie was just using me to guard her while she was dormant during the daytime. This seemed to make sense because when I sneaked down into the basement the only thing there was a box full of dirt.
I went to the club to confront Stephanie and she freely admitted that she was a 300 year old vampire. We went outside the club and she gave me a kiss. It was a kiss goodbye. She told me I could keep the house and the Jaguar along with a large stash of cash which was hidden under her box. She then turned away from me, sprouted wings and flew off into the night. I was amazed to see her join up with a bunch of other vampires all flying south in a “V” formation like they were geese flying south for the winter.
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