PSYCHIC PREDICTS DISASTER IN 2012

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
In order to eliminate overcrowding in our Michigan public schools our local state senator has introduced legislation to allow hand guns in high schools and on college campuses. This should make football season much more interesting. Footballs thrown by the opposing team might be shot down like skeet. Something tells me that there might have to be some changes in the football rule book. I used to hate to go into the deer woods during rifle season but, going out in the woods and being shot at by half lit hunters might be less dangerous than going on a campus and ducking bullets launched by completely lit college students.

It seems that after many months of debate health care in this country may be reformed if there is just a few more months of debates and rewrites. I guess our representatives in Washington must be perfectionist. They are making sure everything is just right before voting anything into law. Or, perhaps the people in congress are just waiting, like Clint Eastwood, for “A Few Dollars More.” A few dollars more in special interest bribes no doubt. Like most Americans I do not complain about the bribes our public officials take. I’m just jealous because I never get any bribes.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
With all the ups and downs on Wall Street many traders feel like fishermen on “Deadliest Catch”. The problem is that although they go fishing for lobster they are ending up catching crawdads. The guys that are able to stick with this market must have ice cubes in their underwear. A lot of people are driving the price of gold to record levels around $1,100 dollars per ounce. Every time I talk to any of my relatives I try to get a count of the gold dental work. Hey, if something happens to one of them its better I get their stash of gold rather than have the undertaker claim his bonus. Of course I have to volunteer to sit in the hospital with any of my golden age relatives that are in intensive care. That way I can spend a few moments alone with the dearly departed so I can collect a few keep sakes to remember them.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Red Wings currently have 10 wins and 5 losses while the Pistons have 5 wins and four losses. Clearly, although it is early on in both the hockey and basketball season, the above teams will need to in the words of Emeril Eglasiis, “Kick It Up A Notch”.

The Detroit Tigers will have to wait until next year to see if the big cat finally comes out of the jungle. The Detroit Lions have won their game for the year. We’ll just have to wait until next season to see if the Lions can match or exceed their winning average for this season.

The CMU Chips football team has eight wins and only two losses this season. They certainly are a bright spot in Michigan pro or college football this season. I wonder if they still have block parties at that school. All I remember about Mt. Pleasant (home of CMU) is that their jail cells are really crowed on the weekends after a football game or concert.

PSYCHIC NEWS
THE 2012 PREDICTION
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
People need to start getting ready for the year 2012. 2012 is the year the Mayans, ancient Hebrews, Hindus and some others I can’t remember, said that the world would be in big trouble. It seems the planets will be lining up in such a way that the earth will be devastated by cosmic forces beyond the control of human beings.

I have consorted with the spirits of good and evil and rubbed my mystical Petoskey stones until they are smooth and polished. I think I can sell them on EBay now. I should be able t get about $30.00 a piece out of them. That will pay my cable bill so I won’t be cut off. Anyway, the calamity of 2012 will occur when five giant ships loaded with tons of merchandise destined for Wall Mart Stores around the world, collide in mid ocean and sink. When all that merchandise sinks to the ocean floor, so will the world economy. The hopes and dreams of every person on earth will drown in the sudsy brine and, forever sleep with the fishes.

Earth will change that day. We cannot stop our destiny from happening no more than we can wear adult diapers and not get wet. However, we will try unsuccessfully, to prepare ourselves mentally for the day the earth will stand still. We will attempt to brace ourselves for the day our forbidden planet no longer offers the hope of living a fulfilling life of non-stop shopping and mounting credit card debt. It will be difficult for us to accept the fact that one day a creature from a black lagoon will be wearing the cubic zirconium jewelry which we had hoped to be wearing and showing off to our friends and neighbors. The tragedy will leave our minds lost in space. Our hearts will be heavy like a big blob. One day we will be forced to accept as the Mayans foretold, that our humanity will die when all our stuff takes a voyage to the bottom of the sea.

TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
I raise rats to sell to companies that use them as guinea pigs. They use them to tests the affects of makeup on skin. Humans and rats have very similar skin. The problem companies have with using rats for make-up experiments is that the rat has to have the hair shaved off its face before stuff like lipstick and eye liner can be applied. I of course decided to find a new technology that would eliminate the problem of having to shave the rat before applying make-up. I invented the hairless (bald) rat.

My new rats look just like a Mexican hairless dog with bobbed ears. In fact one lady offered to buy a puppy for $200.00. I of course refused. I know Mexican hairless puppies go for at least $500.00 each. She gave in and paid me the $500.00. I told her it was a miniature Mexican hairless and would never get any bigger. I said that it was specially bred so its vocal chords would not allow it to bark loudly and instead it would only make an “eking” sound. She told me that was great because she lived in an apartment and did not want to disturb her neighbors. She said she knew a lot of women who would want one of my special puppies. I think I’m going to like breeding puppies.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
The new Star Trek movie DVD is coming out just in time for the holidays for all you people who have trekie fans to shop for. My brother Tim has a complete collection of Star Trek X-mass tree ornaments. I won’t repeat what I used to say about his collecting X-mass tree ornaments because I don’t want my hair and face washed in the toilet bowl again, especially the one here. No one has ever cleaned it. I dumped a cup of bleach down it a week ago and it started to smoke. I hope no one throws a cigarette in it.

I’m not sure if I’m going to see the movie “2012”. It’s one of those “end of the world” sci-fi flicks and I guess we’re supposed to be serious journalists at this blog. At least that’s why my brother says he won’t pay to send me to any good movies to review. He told me if I wait until 2014 the movie will be on TV anyway.