HEIRESS EATEN BY GREAT WHITE SHARK IN LAKE MICHIGAN

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Colonel Moa mar Gadaffi pitched his tent at Donald Trumps place and road a camel over to the United Nations. General Colin Powell was waiting for the colonel and our great general gave the colonel quite a tongue lashing for wearing boots covered with camel dung. General Powell made the colonel clean the dung from his boots. Then, General Powell made Colonel Gadaffi give him 100 push-ups. General Powell will now be awarded a medal from the UN General Assembly for taking some of the wind out of what would have been a 4 hour speech. As for Donald Trump, as soon as Colonel Gadaffi left his tent, The Donald began to renovate the tent into a casino. The new casino, which will open Tuesday, will be known as the Triple E Palms. The U.S. Marine Corp. Marching Band will perform at the grand opening. Or will they be in Tripoli Libya on Tuesday, like in their fight song?

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The DJIA has been floundering under 10,000 this month while gold has run up past the $1,000 per ounce price. Oil has declined below $70.00 per barrel bid on the open markets.

A brand new anti-smoking product may be coming to grocery and liquor stores across the nation (for many Americans liquor stores are our grocery stores). This device is a long sugar based flavored candy which has the shape of a cigarette. These “candy cigarettes” have been approved by the FDA and will not need a prescription. It is hoped that this new item will eliminate the need for any type of national health insurance. If everyone just sucked on “candy cigarettes” all day then they would not be ingesting deadly tobacco products. However, according the FDA, Dental insurance coverage might be much harder to get. The price for these new cigarette substitutes will start at about $35.00 per pack.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Tigers are still winning games. They just beat the Twins 6-2 and still lead the American League Central Division with 79 games.
The Detroit Lions are not doing so well, losing to the Minnesota Vikings 13-27. The next game will be with the Redskins on September 27. After 19 strait losses since 2007, maybe the best thing the Lions could do is, like a low rated TV show that network executives like, go on hiatus for the rest of this season. The Lions management, owners and players need to just kick back for this season and watch other football teams and see, how the game is played. By watching other professional football teams, college teams, high school and pee wee football teams, the Lions might gain some pointers. Some might argue that paying players to just observe other teams would be paying them to do nothing. Well, I think the big oval egg on the scoreboard at the end of every single game, pretty much signifies the same thing.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Tim Colin
A great white shark has swallowed famed heiress to the Bitter Boy Candy Company, Barbara [Bitter] Butter. According to Bernard Butter, Barbara Butters’ Husband and Becky Baker, Bernard’s’ personal business buddy, Barbara Butter was last seen swimming off the beach just south of Frankfurt Michigan. According to the couple, they both watched in horror as the great white shark sped toward the heiress and rose up underneath the poor lady with its mouth wide open. Bernard and Becky had to heroically hold each other back from the deadly waters as Barbara’s body was tossed into the air and then slipped into the jaws of the great white shark. Mr. Butter said it was just like in the movie “Jaws”, which he had watched the night before.
The coast guard and local authorities have initiated a round the clock search for any trace of the body or the shark. Bernard Butter said that the body was never going to be found in Lake Michigan. Mr. Butter went on to say that they had just com from the nearby Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. “You know,’’ he said, “The sand is so soft and light at the dunes that your body can sink right into it. You could dig a hole there six feet deep in no time and then fill it in and no one would ever know you dug it’”.

Barbara Butter was 43 years old and was preceded in death by two sons from a previous marriage, Basil and Benson Berger. The sons died tragically while camping in Montana with their loving stepfather when, they were eaten by alligators. Bernard Butter is the soul heir to 15 billion dollars. All other heirs died as a result of being eaten by various animals thus, leaving no trace of the bodies. It seems the luck of the Bitter Boy Candy heirs is bitter indeed. The tragic death of his wife but, the, huge inheritance, has made Mr. Butters’ life bitter sweet. He and his personal business buddy Becky have announced they are getting married in order to dull the pain caused by that monster of the deep, the Michigan great white shark

.PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
The following are my predictions for November. The great spirits of the north have told me that the Great Lakes Region will be really chilled when the “gales of November come early” Just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, the ship called the “Edmond Fitzgerald will be remembered again this year. Everyone will think of the fated ship when they see sheets of ice flying down their streets and wondering if they put the cat or dog in before the ice storm hit. People also wonder if they might have to share the cat and dog food if they happen to get iced in.

A couple of UFO’s will be sighted heading across the North American skies. They will be landing near Grand Traverse Bay. They will be seeking some wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard. They won’t be drinking it but, just want a few bottles as pricey souvenirs to sell on some galactic form of eBay called Galaxybay. Instead of using UPS to deliver their packages: these aliens teleport their items using their brains.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Local Mancelona film maker Michael Moore has a new film out called “Capitalism: A love story”. Because this film has the words “love story”, in the title, I think it must be some sort of chick flick. In addition, the word “Capitalism” in the title implies it is set in Washington D.C. (or maybe Lansing MI). So, we have a love chick flick film set at the capital. It must be about affairs by senators and congressmen. Or maybe, it’s about affairs between senators and congressmen (they always have those closed door sessions). At any rate, I most likely won’t go to see a chick flick film unless I’m dragged to it. I like action/adventure films. The best films have very little talking in them. The best written scripts are all about snappy lines like Arnold Swartzenager uses for example “Stick around” from “Predator” or, “I’ll be back” from “The Terminator”.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
Scientists have announced that they think they have found a cure for aids. I’ve been wearing a hearing aid since I was five years old. The one I have now is barely noticeable but, other people still bring it up in conversation between themselves. I know that because I can hear them make remarks like “Rat boy is deaf. He can’t possibly be listening to us talk about him”. Well, I’m not deaf. I’m only impaired and, raising rats is the family business I inherited from my father when he ran away. I am not a rat boy. Besides, mom says someday some girl will be lucky to marry me and become the wife of a rich rat baron, tycoon.
Until then, I’ll just live with my rats in my mom’s basement. I’ve got it nice down there. I’ve got a cot to sleep on and, a TV and a hot plate and a little refrigerator for my condiments and cheese. There, I am the king of my domain. All I am missing is a queen to rule it with.