IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well so far, after our preemptive attack upon the moon men last Friday, we have not suffered any apparent counter attack. It is unclear whether or not the moon facility that was allegedly creating an anti-matter weapon was destroyed. This is the only publication that seems to be reporting this story. All others have been repeating the government cover story that the explosions were supposed to churn up measurable amounts of water at the north pole of the moon. Of course this is rubbish. Our government has said that America will not be returning to the moon any time soon. So why would we be measuring for water when we are not going back there?
I decided to contact our scientific advisor to get his thoughts on the recent attack. Dr. Alyar is the best scientist I know and the only one that actually received government money to study ancient alien brain cells that have been fossilized into petoskey stones. The Doctor was difficult to contact since he is currently in prison for fraud and income tax evasion.
Once contacted, the doctor was quick to volunteer information for ten dollars. I offered to send him five bucks and he agreed to give me his scientific opinion regarding a possible retaliation by the moon creatures. The doctor said that “the moon creatures may not attack the earth by using conventional weapons. Instead they may use a negative mind-meld with the people of America which will cause them severe psychological problems. Americans may become paranoid schizophrenics who are so gullible that they will believe almost any crackpot idea on TV or the Internet.”
So there you have it. We have been attacked on a psychic level. That’s why we are so gullible that we believe the attack on the lunar pole was a scientific experiment instead of a preemptive strike against a superior race of beings, which are refining anti-matter to create a death star.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market roared to record yearly highs this week as the DJIA surpassed 10,000. It seems that the lack of a counter attack by the Giant Leap (moon creatures) served to bolster economic confidence. “This was like a celebration after defeating the Nazis in World War Two,” one investor noted.
One possible indication that not everyone is satisfied that the moon people will not anhilate us are those bidding up the price of gold this week. It is hard to understand what good gold will do you after your planet has been blown to bits by a death star.
In other business news, the health care debate goes on and on and on. Many people are literally getting sick of hearing about the debate. Don’t the people in Congress work with any kind of deadline. Maybe they just want to prolong our agony by their attempts at public debate. Based upon their skills at thinking on their feet, I think that Congressmen should submit all their answers to today’s most pressing problems in writing and in the form of a question. Then, let the judges on the game show “Jeopardy” decide if the Congressmen are right or wrong. Maybe the “Jeopardy” music during the final round would speed up some of the Congressional Membership.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 1 win and four losses. On Sunday Detroit will play at Green Bay. In Michigan you can’t buy beer until noon on Sunday so I don’t think I’ll be ready to watch the Lions play at one o’clock. I won’t say anymore. Good Luck Lions and good luck to the fans.
In Michigan college football: Michigan has a total of 4 wins and two losses, Michigan State has 3 wins and 3 losses and Little Central Michigan has 5 wins and one loss. CMU leads the MAC conference with a total of 5 wins and 1 loss. On Saturday CMU faces Western Michigan University. This is usually a really good game each year. CMU and Western are like cross town rivals in Michigan. After their win over Michigan State I will be betting on the Chips but, I’m not counting out a really tough football school like Western Michigan. Also, I’m picking Notre Damn over USC this weekend only because the Fighting Irish are in the Mid-West.
LOCAL NEWS
By Mike Colin
Well, we did not have much of a fall color season. The leaves turned brown and fell off the trees. It’s been dismal, cold and rainy up North. There were a few sightings of the Frankenmoose over the last couple of weeks. Several area towns have been celebrating Oktoberfest on the weekends. It seems at every Oktoberfest where there is a beer tent there are witnesses that say they saw the Frankenmoose. Now the Frankenmoose does love beer and bratwurst but, he is supposed to be incarcerated at area 91 which lies beneath the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. Maybe the Frankenmoose has escaped area 91 and the Men in Black? If he has he had better watch out because deer rifle season starts pretty soon.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
I’ve been busy polishing up Petoskey stones and selling them online. I don’t intend on becoming the next online millionaire but, between selling stuff online and my psychic readings, I’m finally working my way through this recession. I just need to find some cheap help to polish more stones up.
I’m predicting snow next week. I know it’s early but the spirits never lie. Well, my dead relatives lie to me all the time so I try not to dial them up. They call me. I never try to contact them. They mostly nag. My aunt Rose hates my hair. My aunt Violet keeps telling me I drink too much and my aunt Pansy told me my first husband didn’t like women. I know that. That’s why I dumped him.
So kids, don’t be so fast about wanting to talk to dead people. I know it’s real popular right now but, you don’t know who might show up. Even worse, around Halloween you don’t know what might show up.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Wow, wouldn’t it be cool to be a little kid and take off in a weather balloon built by your crazy old man. Especially one built out of tin foil and shaped like a flying saucer. That story was so cool and I felt sorry for the kid when I found out he really wasn’t in the balloon. I’d take a ride in that balloon in a minute if I ever got the chance. Of course it might take a little more helium in it to lift me off the ground.
I tried to take a helicopter ride this summer. I had the ticket and everything. I showed up bright and early that day for my trip over Grand Traverse Bay. The pilot, who also owned the helicopter, took one look at me and refunded my money. He told me I needed to charter a military transport helicopter in order to get off the ground. I think he was referring to my weight. I don’t know why I’m so big. I don’t eat nearly as much as my mom and yet we’re both about the same size.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Sherri and Carrie
Sherri: I went to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” It was not what I expected. It’s a kid’s movie. I thought it was some sort of fraternity/sorority crazy vampire flick. Boy was I wrong.
Carrie: And I bet a lot of guys will feel kind of stupid if they take their date to a kids flick. Unless of course the guy is under 12 years old.
Sherri: Most guys are mentally under 12 years old. I still like “Zombieland”. That’s a fun flick.
Carrie: “Zombieland” is about the only recent movie out there right now that is kind of a halloweenie flick.
Sherri: Yeah, only two more weeks and it’s Halloween and not much for new halloweenie flicks coming out. The Halloweener people in Hollywood must be on strike this year.
Carrie: Maybe fewer halloweenie movies will mean there will be more Halloween parties. A party is always better than a movie.
Sherri: Unless of course it’s a Star Trek movie.
Carrie: You got that right sister.
Showing posts with label FRANKENMOOSE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FRANKENMOOSE. Show all posts
Friday, April 16, 2010
Sunday, October 4, 2009
DOCTOR STEIN FRANKEN ADMITS TO MAKING OTHER MONSTERS
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The stock market has been in the crapper lately and prices for groceries keep going up. Everyone is losing their homes, cars and, other belonging to the bank vampires and the warlocks on Wall Street. With all the economic ills in the world, Americans have come up with a novel idea to combat poverty, despair and, starvation. Americans are raising chickens. A friend of mine who has no life, said she was listening to NPR radio the other day and they spent an entire hour talking about raising chickens in the backyard.
I would have thought this was just another story that talk radio would use to fill up air time but, low and behold, someone in our own downtown Traverse City has been allowed to have some hen chickens inside the city. It was said that roosters crow too much in the morning and would wake people up. Personally, I think the ban on roosters is just a case of pure discrimination against males. Maybe the city will ban males of other species from the city. Maybe even human males will be banned from town. I think we need to defend our fellow males against discrimination even if those males are part of a different species. I’m going to e-mail my Congressman informing him that banning males of any species from any area is just plain wrong.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Lions have broken their two year losing streak. They are still ranked last in the National Conference North. Detroit will play Chicago in football on Sunday. Even with their dismal record, I have to shut-up about the past two years. I must look to the future of Lions football and not dwell on the past or I will jinx them. Many people think I am the person who jinxed the Lions because of my negative commentary. The problem is I’ve only been doing commentary since January 2009.
In the rest of the sports that I care about, the Tigers seem assured of clinching the American League Central Title. Detroit will finish the season with a three-game series against Chicago. The game will be played at home but, I don’t care since I can’t afford a ticket or the gas to get there. Good luck Tigers!!!!
Saturday is the big game between Michigan and Michigan State. Michigan should win but, the whole state will be in turmoil if Michigan State wins. Michigan State lost to Central Michigan University. If Michigan State wins then Central would be the number one college football team in Michigan. This is like a Davey and Goliath Claymation cartoon. If a tiny University in Mid-Michigan is better at football than two of the largest Universities in the country then, those bigger schools need to review their priorities. All high schools and colleges are evaluated strictly on the basis of their football team. If you want a good job, forget learning anything. You have to go to a school with an awesome football team or you’ll end up managing the third shift at a fast food restaurant love fast food after midnight.
It seems that Oprah, President Obama and, others were unsuccessful at getting the Olympic Committee to pick Chicago as the future host of the Olympic Games. Some people are blaming the President for the failure of Chicago to secure the Olympic torch. I, on the other hand, blame Oprah. Oprah should have made sure that the members of the Olympic Committee understood that if Chicago were to get the Olympic Games then, each committee member could find a set of keys to a new car under their chairs.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Due to the bad economy, I predict that a lot more adults will be gong trick or treating for candy this year. The trailer park I live in is supposed to have an apple bobbing contest. The only thing that you get for grabbing an apple with just your mouth without the help of your hands is the apple. I think I will pass on the contest. I’m afraid those apples might get slobbered on quite a bit before someone grabs one out. I’ll most likely go to my friend Opals’ house on Halloween. She has the best parties because she is a real witch. She is even certified. I guess you have to be certified as a witch before you can buy the wand, broom and black pot that witches need for their magical spells.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Doctor Stein Franken has admitted today that he indeed sewed together the dying body parts of a human, a tiger and, a moose. This story has been covered a lot and that’s why the editor (Tim) is burying the story in the science and technology section. Tim knows that no one will ever read it.
There is one new admission that Dr. Franken has made which is news. It seems that Dr. Franken has sewn other creatures together thus; creating other hideous monsters that may still inhabit the woods and farmlands of Michigan. Dr. Franken said he was forced to work on building beasts for the government. The doctor was evidently kidnapped and taken below some sand dunes. Evidently, there is some secret base there called Area 91. Dr. Franken described the people who kidnapped him to be dressed in black suits and that they drove a black limo. It sounds like Dr. Franken was kidnapped by the Blues Brothers. Now, Dr. Franken, who is a German immigrant (someone should check on this nuts status), is known to spend a lot of time at the beer tent during Oktoberfest. So, did he create other monsters for the government or, is his story just the beer and bratwurst talking?
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
My friend Mike Colin is on special assignment for the month of October so I and others will be writing this column. I guess Mike was wrong last week about the Michael Moore movie called “Capitalism: A Love Story”. It was explained to me by the editor of this publication (the jerk named Tim), that the movie was just a satire (whatever the heck that means). Tim said the movie was not about a love story set in the nation’s capital. Capitalist and capital are two different things I was told but, I think the guys that own the capital are the ones that practice capitalism. The guys that practice capitalism have the capital to buy the politicians in the nation’s capital. That’s just my opinion and does not reflect the views of this publication. It also does not make any sense. I wish I hadn't written it but, I'm having problems with my keyboard and can't backspace to delete the crap I just wrote. If Tim wasn't so lazy he'd edit this blog instead of just hitting the send button.
One thing Tim Colin (the editor) does not understand is that he (Tim) was born the same day as one of my heroes, Charleston Heston. They were both born on October 4 which is this coming Sunday.Charlton Heston and Michael Moore once had a big argument over gun rights. There are still lots of people taking pot shots at me when I’m out in the woods so, guess who won the gun argument?
Unlike how I feel about Tim, I really like the late Charlton Heston. He was great in the movies “Soylent Green” and,” The Omega Man”. He was pretty good in the two “Planet of the Apes”, movies he did. The only problem I had was in the movie “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”. In that movie, Mr. Heston fought against the really cool psychic, psycho deformed humans. These humans only wanted to protect their bomb from the apes and Charlton blew them all to Heck. Just because someone is a freak, does not mean that they are bad. Take myself for instance. I am 27years old and raise rats in my mother’s basement for a living. Some people (Tim) keep calling me “rat boy” behind my back. But, I think I am the most normal person in Northern Michigan.
INTERVIEWS WITH VAMPIRES
MY GIRLFRIEND BITES
By Mike Colin
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve) I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite. Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee . It seems my girlfriend is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of fangs on them with drips of blood tattoos running down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool. Next week I'll tell you the rest of the story about my girlfriend the vamp lady.
By Ted Colin
The stock market has been in the crapper lately and prices for groceries keep going up. Everyone is losing their homes, cars and, other belonging to the bank vampires and the warlocks on Wall Street. With all the economic ills in the world, Americans have come up with a novel idea to combat poverty, despair and, starvation. Americans are raising chickens. A friend of mine who has no life, said she was listening to NPR radio the other day and they spent an entire hour talking about raising chickens in the backyard.
I would have thought this was just another story that talk radio would use to fill up air time but, low and behold, someone in our own downtown Traverse City has been allowed to have some hen chickens inside the city. It was said that roosters crow too much in the morning and would wake people up. Personally, I think the ban on roosters is just a case of pure discrimination against males. Maybe the city will ban males of other species from the city. Maybe even human males will be banned from town. I think we need to defend our fellow males against discrimination even if those males are part of a different species. I’m going to e-mail my Congressman informing him that banning males of any species from any area is just plain wrong.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Lions have broken their two year losing streak. They are still ranked last in the National Conference North. Detroit will play Chicago in football on Sunday. Even with their dismal record, I have to shut-up about the past two years. I must look to the future of Lions football and not dwell on the past or I will jinx them. Many people think I am the person who jinxed the Lions because of my negative commentary. The problem is I’ve only been doing commentary since January 2009.
In the rest of the sports that I care about, the Tigers seem assured of clinching the American League Central Title. Detroit will finish the season with a three-game series against Chicago. The game will be played at home but, I don’t care since I can’t afford a ticket or the gas to get there. Good luck Tigers!!!!
Saturday is the big game between Michigan and Michigan State. Michigan should win but, the whole state will be in turmoil if Michigan State wins. Michigan State lost to Central Michigan University. If Michigan State wins then Central would be the number one college football team in Michigan. This is like a Davey and Goliath Claymation cartoon. If a tiny University in Mid-Michigan is better at football than two of the largest Universities in the country then, those bigger schools need to review their priorities. All high schools and colleges are evaluated strictly on the basis of their football team. If you want a good job, forget learning anything. You have to go to a school with an awesome football team or you’ll end up managing the third shift at a fast food restaurant love fast food after midnight.
It seems that Oprah, President Obama and, others were unsuccessful at getting the Olympic Committee to pick Chicago as the future host of the Olympic Games. Some people are blaming the President for the failure of Chicago to secure the Olympic torch. I, on the other hand, blame Oprah. Oprah should have made sure that the members of the Olympic Committee understood that if Chicago were to get the Olympic Games then, each committee member could find a set of keys to a new car under their chairs.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Due to the bad economy, I predict that a lot more adults will be gong trick or treating for candy this year. The trailer park I live in is supposed to have an apple bobbing contest. The only thing that you get for grabbing an apple with just your mouth without the help of your hands is the apple. I think I will pass on the contest. I’m afraid those apples might get slobbered on quite a bit before someone grabs one out. I’ll most likely go to my friend Opals’ house on Halloween. She has the best parties because she is a real witch. She is even certified. I guess you have to be certified as a witch before you can buy the wand, broom and black pot that witches need for their magical spells.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Doctor Stein Franken has admitted today that he indeed sewed together the dying body parts of a human, a tiger and, a moose. This story has been covered a lot and that’s why the editor (Tim) is burying the story in the science and technology section. Tim knows that no one will ever read it.
There is one new admission that Dr. Franken has made which is news. It seems that Dr. Franken has sewn other creatures together thus; creating other hideous monsters that may still inhabit the woods and farmlands of Michigan. Dr. Franken said he was forced to work on building beasts for the government. The doctor was evidently kidnapped and taken below some sand dunes. Evidently, there is some secret base there called Area 91. Dr. Franken described the people who kidnapped him to be dressed in black suits and that they drove a black limo. It sounds like Dr. Franken was kidnapped by the Blues Brothers. Now, Dr. Franken, who is a German immigrant (someone should check on this nuts status), is known to spend a lot of time at the beer tent during Oktoberfest. So, did he create other monsters for the government or, is his story just the beer and bratwurst talking?
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
My friend Mike Colin is on special assignment for the month of October so I and others will be writing this column. I guess Mike was wrong last week about the Michael Moore movie called “Capitalism: A Love Story”. It was explained to me by the editor of this publication (the jerk named Tim), that the movie was just a satire (whatever the heck that means). Tim said the movie was not about a love story set in the nation’s capital. Capitalist and capital are two different things I was told but, I think the guys that own the capital are the ones that practice capitalism. The guys that practice capitalism have the capital to buy the politicians in the nation’s capital. That’s just my opinion and does not reflect the views of this publication. It also does not make any sense. I wish I hadn't written it but, I'm having problems with my keyboard and can't backspace to delete the crap I just wrote. If Tim wasn't so lazy he'd edit this blog instead of just hitting the send button.
One thing Tim Colin (the editor) does not understand is that he (Tim) was born the same day as one of my heroes, Charleston Heston. They were both born on October 4 which is this coming Sunday.Charlton Heston and Michael Moore once had a big argument over gun rights. There are still lots of people taking pot shots at me when I’m out in the woods so, guess who won the gun argument?
Unlike how I feel about Tim, I really like the late Charlton Heston. He was great in the movies “Soylent Green” and,” The Omega Man”. He was pretty good in the two “Planet of the Apes”, movies he did. The only problem I had was in the movie “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”. In that movie, Mr. Heston fought against the really cool psychic, psycho deformed humans. These humans only wanted to protect their bomb from the apes and Charlton blew them all to Heck. Just because someone is a freak, does not mean that they are bad. Take myself for instance. I am 27years old and raise rats in my mother’s basement for a living. Some people (Tim) keep calling me “rat boy” behind my back. But, I think I am the most normal person in Northern Michigan.
INTERVIEWS WITH VAMPIRES
MY GIRLFRIEND BITES
By Mike Colin
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve) I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite. Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee . It seems my girlfriend is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of fangs on them with drips of blood tattoos running down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool. Next week I'll tell you the rest of the story about my girlfriend the vamp lady.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
21 YEARS AFTER THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER ATTACKED
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
This week the Obama administration announced that it was moving its proposed missile shield from Eastern Europe out to mobile ships at sea. The shield is not really a shield at all, like a force field in Star Trek or Star Wars. It is instead made up of thousands of tiny rocket ships that are supposed to hit and destroy any missiles coming out of Iran or Iraq or some other country that has a name starting with the pronoun “I”. Next, we’ll have to invade Iceland. Maybe we should go after the Ipod community. During the Clinton years we attacked Yugoslavia which starts with the pronoun “You”. I see a pattern here. I hope the next nation on the list isn’t Italy.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
Well my brother was partly right about the MSU and CMU game last weekend. He thought it would be a good game but, MSU would win in the end. Well, it was a pretty messy game in terms of funky plays but, CMU ended up winning. I had a little too much beer bong to remember the details but, I remember thinking at the time “what in the heck are you people from Mid-Michigan doing?” Well, it worked.
I might not be as great a davenport potato sports watcher as my brother Tim but, I’m going to be joining a dart league to play this winter. I’m a great athlete when it comes to darts and lawn jarts. I would have formed a lawn jart league this summer but, my brother Mike kept having to be taken to the emergency room. It seems he believes he should try to block the incoming lawn jarts. He does the same thing when we play horse shoes.
In pro sports, the Lions lost to New Orleans 27-45. They will play Minnesota on September 20th. The Tigers are still up by about 4 games in their division. They will play a triple header with Minnesota on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim is sick this week so the rest of us have to do more work to get this blog published. I don’t know anything about Wall Street so I’m not going to mention it. Oops, I guess I just mentioned it (ha, ha, LOL).
I did start a tour guide business in order to make some quick cash. I’ve been taking people around to see sights like Old Skeggy, the Skegmog Lake Monster, the Sand Dunes and the quicksand holes that my brother and I found a couple of weeks ago. I charge $10.00 each for the entire tour which, I think is real reasonable. I have gas expense plus, I have to buy a bucket of Chicken from KFC in order to get Old Skeggy to appear. I did learn early on that I needed to collect my money before I gave the tour and not wait until it was over. It seems everyone just takes off and disappears when we get to the quicksand holes. I guess they are just board but, I don’t know how they make it back to town. I always wait around at the van but, no one ever shows up so I go home having banked some quick bucks. Maybe, if I get some repeat business and through word of mouth; my tour guide business might grow and become a way for me to make a living.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Ted Colin
Today is the 21st anniversary of the creation of the Frankenmoose monster. Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leapt out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human, Teamster driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.
A Dr. Stein Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. The doctor had just retuned from a beer festival in Frankenmuth and still had his lederhosen on. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slams into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival. The resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of a human being. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.
Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. The creature escaped the barn the doctor had it in and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chewing on any grass fans brought with them into the stadium.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful narcotic into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game. The monster was taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Suttons Bay Michigan.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.
Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.
I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.
I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.
I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.
In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Halle Barry allowed herself to an interview on the new Jay Leno show. Jay was lucky to get a great actress on his show. The first night of his new show Jay Leno had Seinfeld on. My mom loves Jerry Seinfeld. I relate more to Neumann myself.
Talk about action actors I relate to, Bruce Willis is coming out with a new Sci-fi flick called Surrogates. It is something to do with humans living out their lives through androids. It should be pretty good. Bruce Willis movies usually move along real fast and they are not full of a bunch of guys trying to get in touch with their inner emotions. That is unless your inner emotions cause you to want to kick the crap out of bad guys. I doubt I get a date for this movie.
By Ted Colin
This week the Obama administration announced that it was moving its proposed missile shield from Eastern Europe out to mobile ships at sea. The shield is not really a shield at all, like a force field in Star Trek or Star Wars. It is instead made up of thousands of tiny rocket ships that are supposed to hit and destroy any missiles coming out of Iran or Iraq or some other country that has a name starting with the pronoun “I”. Next, we’ll have to invade Iceland. Maybe we should go after the Ipod community. During the Clinton years we attacked Yugoslavia which starts with the pronoun “You”. I see a pattern here. I hope the next nation on the list isn’t Italy.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
Well my brother was partly right about the MSU and CMU game last weekend. He thought it would be a good game but, MSU would win in the end. Well, it was a pretty messy game in terms of funky plays but, CMU ended up winning. I had a little too much beer bong to remember the details but, I remember thinking at the time “what in the heck are you people from Mid-Michigan doing?” Well, it worked.
I might not be as great a davenport potato sports watcher as my brother Tim but, I’m going to be joining a dart league to play this winter. I’m a great athlete when it comes to darts and lawn jarts. I would have formed a lawn jart league this summer but, my brother Mike kept having to be taken to the emergency room. It seems he believes he should try to block the incoming lawn jarts. He does the same thing when we play horse shoes.
In pro sports, the Lions lost to New Orleans 27-45. They will play Minnesota on September 20th. The Tigers are still up by about 4 games in their division. They will play a triple header with Minnesota on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim is sick this week so the rest of us have to do more work to get this blog published. I don’t know anything about Wall Street so I’m not going to mention it. Oops, I guess I just mentioned it (ha, ha, LOL).
I did start a tour guide business in order to make some quick cash. I’ve been taking people around to see sights like Old Skeggy, the Skegmog Lake Monster, the Sand Dunes and the quicksand holes that my brother and I found a couple of weeks ago. I charge $10.00 each for the entire tour which, I think is real reasonable. I have gas expense plus, I have to buy a bucket of Chicken from KFC in order to get Old Skeggy to appear. I did learn early on that I needed to collect my money before I gave the tour and not wait until it was over. It seems everyone just takes off and disappears when we get to the quicksand holes. I guess they are just board but, I don’t know how they make it back to town. I always wait around at the van but, no one ever shows up so I go home having banked some quick bucks. Maybe, if I get some repeat business and through word of mouth; my tour guide business might grow and become a way for me to make a living.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Ted Colin
Today is the 21st anniversary of the creation of the Frankenmoose monster. Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leapt out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human, Teamster driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.
A Dr. Stein Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. The doctor had just retuned from a beer festival in Frankenmuth and still had his lederhosen on. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slams into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival. The resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of a human being. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.
Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. The creature escaped the barn the doctor had it in and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chewing on any grass fans brought with them into the stadium.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful narcotic into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game. The monster was taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Suttons Bay Michigan.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.
Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.
I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.
I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.
I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.
In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
Halle Barry allowed herself to an interview on the new Jay Leno show. Jay was lucky to get a great actress on his show. The first night of his new show Jay Leno had Seinfeld on. My mom loves Jerry Seinfeld. I relate more to Neumann myself.
Talk about action actors I relate to, Bruce Willis is coming out with a new Sci-fi flick called Surrogates. It is something to do with humans living out their lives through androids. It should be pretty good. Bruce Willis movies usually move along real fast and they are not full of a bunch of guys trying to get in touch with their inner emotions. That is unless your inner emotions cause you to want to kick the crap out of bad guys. I doubt I get a date for this movie.
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