NAUGHTY BANKERS AND NASTY CONGRESSMEN DO WASHINGTON

BUSINESS NEWS
The stock market ended lower this week with the Dow Jones Industrial Average ending the week at 7849.13, down 83 points for the day. Betting on stocks this week was more painful than betting on which jars of peanut butter would cause food poisoning.

This week the leaders of the nations 8 largest banks faced off against Congress in sometimes heated exchanges about stuff no one really understood. The bankers insisted that they were not crooks and, relative to the Congressional leaders the bankers were testifying in front of, the bankers had a point. After watching the performance of both Congress and the banking moguls who are together, supposed to save the country from financial meltdown, my brother went down to the U STEEL WE FENCE pawn shop and, bought 10 lbs of gold coins for fifteen bucks.

Tim Geitner, the new Secretary of the Treasury, received a C- on his oral report he delivered on "How To Save The Universe From Economic Oblivion". President Obama is now making the Treasury Secretary give another report on next Wednesday for extra credit. This will allow the Secretary to bump his grade up a notch to an overall B-.

MEDIA NEWS
Both Martha Stewart and Howard Stern may have to take a big pay cut since their employer, Sirius Satellite, has filed for bankruptcy. Both Martha and Howard have an open invitation to apply here at "HUMOR NEWS NUTS" as contributors. Martha could write a weekly column on picking stocks using her insider tips. Howard could be our community and religious commentator but, he has to cut his hair. Our conservative mid-western patrons do not want to read stuff written by hippies. Howard's dad, Imus, is also welcomed to apply but, Imus can't write comments regarding women's basketball.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
Although the Red Wings were down three key players, they still melted the ice by beating Minnesota 4-2. This keeps Detroit's wins at 37 in the Central Division of the Western Conference; a full seven games ahead of Chicago. In basketball, the Pistons are in second place in the Central division of the Eastern Conference. So what the heck is wrong with the Detroit Lions? Just win one game next season guys. I have jerseys and hats with your logo on them. People point at me and ridicule me. I'm fairly sure it's because of my cloths. I am however, a bit unkempt. Some call me a slob. Well, my girlfriend does anyway. But, I still don't need any more emotional baggage to carry around when I go out in public. So just win one game next season.


CELEBRITY NEWS
Angelina Jolee is so absolutely beautiful that, a mother of 14 has been trying in vain to look like the gorgeous film diva. Of course, Angelina does look a lot like Mrs. Peel from the 1960's British TV series, "The Avengers". The black leather and high kicks were something to marvel at even way back in the last century. This brings up the question: When is Angelina going to make another black leather, kick boxing, kung fu, type movie? Furthermore, whatever happened to Xena, princess warrior. Did Xena go the way of Zimma, the fruity flavored beer? I hope not.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Well, America's voyage into space is coming to an end soon. The space shuttle is to be sent to spaceship heaven. Fire crackers and bottle rockets will replace space ships for the next several years. But, although the current space program of actually going into outer space is shutting down, NASA has already picked its new team of astronauts. The picture below shows the next American space crew, set to blast off in the year 2163.