THE WORLD ECONOMY HAS COLLASPED OR THE ROAD KILL RODEO

IN THE NEWS NEWS
THE WORLD ECONOMY HAS COLLASPED
By Ted Colin
It has finally happened. Stocks and bonds are worthless and all the major currencies of the world are not worth the cost of the expensive colored ink they are printed with. Can you imagine how much it must cost to print a $20.00 bill with all the fancy colors? I had an uncle who tried to find out how many $20.00 bills he could print off on his HP copier. Even using both sides of the paper it was like $30.00 just to print off about 200 bills. My uncle decided to play a prank on the local gas stations to see if they could tell if his bills were real or fake. Unfortunately, an off duty state trooper was behind my uncle at the very first gas station he visited.

My mom still sends my uncle cookies on the holidays but, I say why bother? If he keeps his nose clean he’ll be out in 2015. I never liked him anyway because he always smacked me on the ear. The lesson to be learned from my uncle’s story is that if you want the kids in your family not to hate you then you should not go around smacking them on the ear.

Some economists have been saying that the problems in the world economy started in a country called Greece. I never new such a country existed. I looked on a map and guess what? Greece is right next to a country called Turkey. I’m sure those two countries must get together every year and have a heck of a Thanksgiving Day party. They probably get so wasted that they think the Lions are a champion team. I’ve been there many times myself.

Seriously, who ever heard of a nation called Greece? Someone at the office pointed out to me that Greece was once the home of the ancient Spartans. Then, I remembered the movie “The 300”. That was an awesome movie. You see if I were an uneducated man I would have thought my colleague here at the office was talking about the Spartans at Michigan State University. I am not an ignorant person. I know that the Spartans were the heroic soldiers that fought during World War I against some emperor named Napoleon.

I worked really hard to get my C+ in world history at the community college. At the time I thought I got a really good grade because the tests were all multiple guess (choice). But, I guess I retained quite a few facts after all.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
I just got back from the first ever road kill rodeo. It is exclusively held here in Northern Michigan and boy is it great fun for singles like me or for people who have families. It doesn’t matter if you are five years old and full of vinegar or eighty five years old and on an oxygen tank, you can find something fun to do at the road kill rodeo. Of course those people with oxygen tanks should stand a ways back from the barbeques.

The food is great and Mrs. Maggie Vitals won the Macramé Chefs Award for her road kill Michigan chicken in fondue sauce There was some questions brought up as to whether Mrs. Vitals found her Michigan chicken along the road or if she found it floating out on the bay. The rules for the Macramé Award are quite specific in that any deceased flesh must be taken strictly from along the roadside and not from bodies of water or alongside bodies of water such as beaches or riverbanks. Most deceased Michigan chickens (also known as seagulls) are usually found near bodies of water or near restaurant dumpsters. In the end, the judges believed Maggie especially since her fondue sauce made the Michigan Chicken (seagull) taste like a Road Island Red. Maggie was happy to take home the top prize of $3.33. The runner-up received $1.00 and the third prize was 67 cents. There was a total of $5.00 in the kitty. There would have been more but, the sponsor of the rodeo, Mr. Jerrod of Jerrod’s Junk-O-Roma, had the sale of his kidney fall through because of his excessive drinking. With the failure of his kidney deal his whole business was now in jeopardy of being confiscated by the bank.

There were several recipes for road kill possum, raccoon, deer and, squirrel but, the judges picked more exotic dishes. The runner up was MS Denise Roadscrape for her rattlesnake pecan turnovers and, the third prize winner was Mrs. Fowler’s Peking Crow. There was some protest over the crow dish since Mrs. Vitals swore that the dressed out crow looked a lot like her missing little Chihuahua named Russell.

Besides great food there were rides, games and, various venders at the rodeo. The only thing is that there was never any rodeo. It seems that chasseing down dead animals is not much of a challenge. Maybe next year this little detail can be ironed out. Of course whether or not there is a rodeo next year comes down to whether or not Mr. Jerrod can find some organ to sell that has not been affected by thirty years of hammering down 40 oz malt liquors.

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
I have been communing with the ancient race of people living under the ocean. I believe they call themselves “Atlantians” They live in a big domed city not far from New Orleans. Up until a few years ago they lived in caves just outside of Wichita KS but, they wanted a better night life so they relocated. Not long after the Atlantians set up their new city, hurricane Katrina hit. Now they can’t see out their big glass dome because it is covered with oil. With all their superior intelligence and technology the Atlantians still don’t have an easy way to do windows.

I’ve been told via a mind meld I had with an Atlantian Realtor I met in a bar last night that, the value of real estate has plummeted in Atlantis. He told me that I could pick up a condo real cheap. Of course if I had any money I would jump on the opportunity to own a condo in a glass house under the sea. I’d be like a psychic Sponge Bob. That is if Sponge Bob is a girl and I think the jury is still out on that one.

My real goal has always been to move to Miami when I quit work and retire. Miami is where all the old rich people go to wait for the grim reaper to appear. We don’t have a grim reaper in Michigan. We just have the Grim Repot Guy. The Grim Repo Guy is far worse than the Grim Reaper. He first takes all your possessions away and the shock of loosing everything kills you.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
It seems that all the TV and movies today are using avatars in their storylines. Of course people love TV and movies even if there are not any avatars in them. The reason people like movies and TV so much is that things usually work out better in a fantasy world then in reality. I know I wish I had an avatar I could move into for a while. Avatars seem to always get all the girls. In reality, except for my mom and my aunts, no girl will even speak to me. Yesterday, there was a female policewoman out in front of this office building. I went outside to try to get her to notice me but, she didn’t. I even went and bought some cigarettes (I usually don’t smoke those cancer sticks) and lit one up in a non-smoking area not 20 feet from where she was standing. She still would not acknowledge me even with a warning to put out my cancer stick. She just turned and walked away. That was so depressing that I lit up another cigarette. When I turned around there was this big burley cop standing there holding out a ticket for me to take. “Don’t you know you can’t smoke here,” he barked at me.

PAY AIG EXECUTIVES THE WAY THEY ARE PAID HERE

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

It seems this week all the news shows and blogs have been a buzz about AIG executives receiving huge bonuses after running the company into the ground. Much time was spent on Capital Hill debating how to get the money back. In fact, the bonuses should be paid to the executives the same way “Humor News Nuts” pays its employees, in $5.00 off pizza coupons. Across the street at “Little Papa, Biga Mama Pizzeria”, they have piles of flyers with coupons in them just sitting there inside the door. I spent all one afternoon cutting out the $5.00 off coupons so we could make payroll this week. Afterwards, I had enough left over to pay the light bill. Some people said our money will become worthless because the Federal Reserve keeps printing dollar bills so, maybe coupons will replace dollars as the new currency. I intend to get some more pizza coupons and pay the bill to our insurance company which, happens to be AIG.

EDITORIAL



By Tim Colin
The Men in Dark Suits (MIDS) raided our offices on Friday  and effectively shut us down. They said they were from the zoning board but, we know the truth. It seems we have been getting too close to the truth about our governments cover up of alien encounters. Our government and its masters in outer space, deem the Humor News Nuts organization to be enemy number one. They seek to silence our point of view so that space aliens can continue to wipe out our culture, our capitalist way of life and finally, our species.

Although things look very dim for humanity, we at our great and historic publication will not go down without a fight. Since January 2009, Humor News Nuts has been exposing all sorts of government cover-up shenanigans Most of the stories we cover you will not find anywhere else in print or online. FOX, CNN, CSPAN etc., all refuse to air anything we have to say about the outer space conspiracies and the evil Men in Dark Suits who wickedly trespass across our constitutional rights.

We of course cannot fight this fight alone. We are dependent upon our readers to join in combat against the space aliens and their Men in Dark Suits stooges. The first thing everyone needs to do is to buy aluminum foil and construct a helmet. Wear this helmet everywhere you go It will keep your mind free of government brain washing and it will send a chilling message to the space aliens that we humans have not all surrendered to their will. Wearing aluminum foil hats begins today, the 9th of November. Future generations of freedom lovers will one day say “Remember, Remember the 9th of November, the aluminum foil treason and plot.”

Note: In full disclosure, I’ve been buying up stock in Indian aluminum foil companies all week in anticipation of this editorial. No wonder people who write for Wall Street publications are all so rich. Buying up stock in something and then recommending it in a publication seems like a great way to get really rich. Who says everyone on Wall Street is a crook? It would be really nice if the companies you recommend also kicked in a trip to the Bahamas or some other nice place.

EXPLODING UNDERWEAR? ARE TERRORIST WATCHING GET SMART RERUNS?

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Assistant Editor
Blowing up yourself along with a bunch of innocent people gets attention but, it is incredibly stupid, let alone evil. This last attack proves the idiocy of terrorists. Who would believe that someone would try to take down an airplane by wearing exploding underwear? Instead of watching James Bond movies for training films the terrorists must be watching “Get Smart” reruns. I wonder if the terrorist guy had a shoe phone. It has been reported that the flight attendant asked the terrorist if he was having a problem. The terrorist said no and then his britches started to smoke. The Attendant then said “Liar, Liar pants on fire…” You are supposed to burn bridges behind you, not your britches. For a terrorist this guy from Yemen turned out to be a lemon. A government spokesman reported that the terrorist was so scared when his pants blew up that explosives were not the only thing that was found in the guys underwear.

This terrorist nut came from a rich banking family. His old man had homes all over the world. Instead of blowing up a bunch of innocent people he could have just had his old man buy him a seat in the Senate. That’s where the children of super rich people do real economic damage to the whole country.

By Tim Colin
Editor
Cash for clunkers has helped Ford Motor out quite a bit. On the other hand, GM looks like they will need more bailout money from Washington. If you go out on the road you would think GM was selling a lot of cars because everywhere you look someone is either shoving or having a GM vehicle towed. The local GM dealership has a lot full of vehicles waiting to be worked on by mechanics. When I looked for a car there I got frustrated because there were more cars waiting to be fixed on the lot then there were cars available for sale.

I realize that as an American I am part owner of Gm but, I’m not counting on my GM stock portfolio to be a major part of my retirement. As an owner I’m going to write myself a nasty letter complaining about how stupid I must be to let my company be run into the ground. After all, if a business isn’t run well it’s ultimately the fault of the owner.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
CMU beat Troy at the GMAC bowl with a final basketball type score of 44 to 41. Central Michigan University ended the season with a 12-2 record. Great job chips.

In other sports news: The Detroit Red Wings hockey team is number 3 in their division while, the Detroit Pistons basketball team has 11 wins and 23 loses. All I have to say is “Great Job Chips!”

THE WEATHER UP HERE
By Mike Colin
Building Maintenance
If you live in Northern Michigan you will freeze your icicles off next week. We get warm air from the South and Cold air from the North and for the next few weeks the South will be on vacation. Personally, I think they’re just getting us back for that civil war thing.

I’m getting really sick of the grader guy plowing in my driveway as soon as I’ve shoveled it out. The guy must wait around the corner to see when I’ve shoveled the last heavy shovel full of show to the side of my driveway and then collapsed. When he sees I’m having a coronary he comes along and dumps large hunks of ice across the end of my driveway and buries my corpse. He even backs up and grades back and forth across the end of my driveway several times. The grader guy also loves to fill in around my mailbox. Now I’m getting nasty notes from the mail guy complaining that he won’t deliver my mail unless I start keeping the snow cleaned out around the mailbox. Well, the joke is on the mail guy since I mostly just get bills and, I’d just as soon have those requests for money returned to sender

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mistress Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
My name is Mike Colin and I’m filling in for Madam Merkel this week. Our local psychic has gotten into some trouble down state. Last week she went down to some little berg just outside of Grand Rapids. She was being paid to give psychic readings but it turned out to be a MSNBC sting operation for catching psychic predators.

It seems some police lady has been pretending that she was an elderly retiree on the Internet. The police lady would start up conversations with psychics she met in chat rooms and then she would lure them down to her house to give a reading. The problem is that Madam Merkel likes to have a few cocktails before she gives a reading. In the state of Michigan it is illegal to drink before you give a reading. I guess drinking and giving psychic readings is like taking steroids and playing baseball. It is considered to be unfair to psychics that don’t drink because while drinking real psychics give predictions that always come true.

I’m not sure if the Mistress will be back next week or not. The Psychic guild in Michigan has a lot of political power and they’ve gotten some pretty strict laws passed recently. I don’t even know if Mistress Merkel even has a license to practice psychic predicting.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Well those tall blue guys movie (Avatar) is still big and making lot of bucks. I think the blue people sort of look like elongated Smurfs. I do remember that on Star Trek some blue colored women were like the most attractive women in the galaxy. Most of them were beautiful but, I was not too crazy about the blue ladies with the little antennae on their heads.

One reason for the success of Avatar is that it stared Sigourney Weaver. I think all movies with Sigourney Weaver in are going to be hits. When guys hear her name mentioned in the trailer they just have to go see her movie. It’s like that Russian scientist Pavlov and his trained drooling dogs.

For a chick flick, the movie with Helen Hunt in it was pretty good too. I wouldn’t have gone to see it but, I went with my mom. She made me go because the movie was showing at night and she is always afraid of being accosted. She said with a big slob like me tagging along no one would bother her. She paid for my ticket, drink and, popcorn so, what do I care if she insults me.

CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE TOO

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The Supreme has ruled that corporations are people too and so corporations can give away unlimited amounts of money to political organizations. Personally I think my goldfish named fluffy should be legally considered a person. I consider Fluffy to be the child I never had; at least I consider Fluffy to be a kid when I declare it as a dependent on my income tax forms. I call Fluffy an" it" because I’m too embarrassed to look to see whether Fluffy is a boy or a girl. Legally Fluffy is a legitimate person. I paid $50.00 to get Fluffy a genuine social security card along with a Michigan drivers license.

President Obama stated this week that he is coming out with a plan to fix the problems on Wall Street. Do the words “Deja Vous” mean anything here? Maybe the movie “Groundhog Day” will jog the memory. It just seems like things just keep happening over and over again with the same results (or lack of results).

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks were in the tank this week as people began to decide that maybe the economy is not so good. Nearly one in five people cannot find full time work. In addition to not hiring people businesses are cutting corners in other ways. The pizza place across the road is getting really stingy with their pepperoni topping and the bar down the road now has pay toilets. Paying to use the bathroom is one thing but the dog gone bathroom doors need exact change before they will open and, they are set for 37 cents. That means you have to make sure you have change in your pocket when you go to the bar which, includes two pennies. The alternative is to wait until someone leaves the bathroom and grab the door before it closes. Both scenarios are going to lead to some nasty accidents.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well, The Detroit Red Wings can’t claim that they are the Detroit “Hot Wings” this year. The Red Wings have a mediocre record of 25 wins and 17 losses. These guys should be happy they still have jobs. Anyone with a job in the Detroit area is like a king. You can buy up a whole city block for the price of a can of beans.

I am really disappointed that Winter Lawn Jarts will not be seen at the Winter Olympics. I think watching two people throwing lawn jarts at each other would be an instant success ratings wise for the broadcasters. What’s great about Winter Lawn Jarts is that the blood shows up really well in the snow. That adds a lot of drama to this classic game of guts and coordination.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Misty Merkel
I am officially a legitimate psychic now. I purchased a license from the State of Michigan.
Evidently they are the people who have the sole power to regulate psychic abilities. Well, now that I’ve paid them off I won’t have to fear for that knock on the door in the middle of the night. If I do get a knock on the door in the middle of the night I’ll know it’s just inebriated neighbors and not the psychic enforcement cops.

I hung my new license up on the living room wall. It has the word “Legitimate” right on it in big, bold letters. Maybe it will help my business out in the long run. Anyway, I’m going to predict that the government will start taxing everything and cut benefits on everything. High taxes and no benefits. I wonder where does all the money go. I’m going to have to get out my crystal balls and look into this mystery. I only hope I can find them. One of them I think is in the coat closet but, I have no idea where the other one rolled off to. Maybe I’ll have to get out my magic Petoskey stones and give them a rub.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
I’ve been to busy to see any movies. I guess Avatar is still doing pretty good. Unusually the winter is a slow movie season. Mostly just chick flicks and tweeny bopper movies come out this time of the year.

I guess O’Brian is out and Leno is back on The Tonight Show. It seems that people stopped staying up and watching their local news which came on before The Tonight Show. I didn’t think anyone ever watched the local news at night. Don’t most people have some kind of life? If I’m home at night I watch a movie or comedy show or even a cartoon. Sports scores I can get off the Internet. In fact any interesting news is on the Internet.

I hate to say it but local newscasts are so watered down with mundane stuff. They never tell you about what is really going on in the area. You never hear about alien spaceships, the yeti, big foots, The Frankenmoose, alien abductions, Lizard Boy or, any of the other things that are really important to people.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
According to scientists all kinds of smog are blowing into the United States from all over Asia. We are getting a virtual “Smogasborg” of pollution from all those dirty factories we moved overseas. I thought we moved all our factories over there so we would have clean air over here. Instead, now we don’t have any jobs and we are still being poisoned. I think you call this situation “ironic“. I guess we can’t have all our plastic junk and clean air too. The next thing you know is that we’ll be told that all this imported junk is unsafe to use or, eat in the case of potted meats.