THE WORLD ECONOMY HAS COLLASPED OR THE ROAD KILL RODEO

IN THE NEWS NEWS
THE WORLD ECONOMY HAS COLLASPED
By Ted Colin
It has finally happened. Stocks and bonds are worthless and all the major currencies of the world are not worth the cost of the expensive colored ink they are printed with. Can you imagine how much it must cost to print a $20.00 bill with all the fancy colors? I had an uncle who tried to find out how many $20.00 bills he could print off on his HP copier. Even using both sides of the paper it was like $30.00 just to print off about 200 bills. My uncle decided to play a prank on the local gas stations to see if they could tell if his bills were real or fake. Unfortunately, an off duty state trooper was behind my uncle at the very first gas station he visited.

My mom still sends my uncle cookies on the holidays but, I say why bother? If he keeps his nose clean he’ll be out in 2015. I never liked him anyway because he always smacked me on the ear. The lesson to be learned from my uncle’s story is that if you want the kids in your family not to hate you then you should not go around smacking them on the ear.

Some economists have been saying that the problems in the world economy started in a country called Greece. I never new such a country existed. I looked on a map and guess what? Greece is right next to a country called Turkey. I’m sure those two countries must get together every year and have a heck of a Thanksgiving Day party. They probably get so wasted that they think the Lions are a champion team. I’ve been there many times myself.

Seriously, who ever heard of a nation called Greece? Someone at the office pointed out to me that Greece was once the home of the ancient Spartans. Then, I remembered the movie “The 300”. That was an awesome movie. You see if I were an uneducated man I would have thought my colleague here at the office was talking about the Spartans at Michigan State University. I am not an ignorant person. I know that the Spartans were the heroic soldiers that fought during World War I against some emperor named Napoleon.

I worked really hard to get my C+ in world history at the community college. At the time I thought I got a really good grade because the tests were all multiple guess (choice). But, I guess I retained quite a few facts after all.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
I just got back from the first ever road kill rodeo. It is exclusively held here in Northern Michigan and boy is it great fun for singles like me or for people who have families. It doesn’t matter if you are five years old and full of vinegar or eighty five years old and on an oxygen tank, you can find something fun to do at the road kill rodeo. Of course those people with oxygen tanks should stand a ways back from the barbeques.

The food is great and Mrs. Maggie Vitals won the Macramé Chefs Award for her road kill Michigan chicken in fondue sauce There was some questions brought up as to whether Mrs. Vitals found her Michigan chicken along the road or if she found it floating out on the bay. The rules for the Macramé Award are quite specific in that any deceased flesh must be taken strictly from along the roadside and not from bodies of water or alongside bodies of water such as beaches or riverbanks. Most deceased Michigan chickens (also known as seagulls) are usually found near bodies of water or near restaurant dumpsters. In the end, the judges believed Maggie especially since her fondue sauce made the Michigan Chicken (seagull) taste like a Road Island Red. Maggie was happy to take home the top prize of $3.33. The runner-up received $1.00 and the third prize was 67 cents. There was a total of $5.00 in the kitty. There would have been more but, the sponsor of the rodeo, Mr. Jerrod of Jerrod’s Junk-O-Roma, had the sale of his kidney fall through because of his excessive drinking. With the failure of his kidney deal his whole business was now in jeopardy of being confiscated by the bank.

There were several recipes for road kill possum, raccoon, deer and, squirrel but, the judges picked more exotic dishes. The runner up was MS Denise Roadscrape for her rattlesnake pecan turnovers and, the third prize winner was Mrs. Fowler’s Peking Crow. There was some protest over the crow dish since Mrs. Vitals swore that the dressed out crow looked a lot like her missing little Chihuahua named Russell.

Besides great food there were rides, games and, various venders at the rodeo. The only thing is that there was never any rodeo. It seems that chasseing down dead animals is not much of a challenge. Maybe next year this little detail can be ironed out. Of course whether or not there is a rodeo next year comes down to whether or not Mr. Jerrod can find some organ to sell that has not been affected by thirty years of hammering down 40 oz malt liquors.

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
I have been communing with the ancient race of people living under the ocean. I believe they call themselves “Atlantians” They live in a big domed city not far from New Orleans. Up until a few years ago they lived in caves just outside of Wichita KS but, they wanted a better night life so they relocated. Not long after the Atlantians set up their new city, hurricane Katrina hit. Now they can’t see out their big glass dome because it is covered with oil. With all their superior intelligence and technology the Atlantians still don’t have an easy way to do windows.

I’ve been told via a mind meld I had with an Atlantian Realtor I met in a bar last night that, the value of real estate has plummeted in Atlantis. He told me that I could pick up a condo real cheap. Of course if I had any money I would jump on the opportunity to own a condo in a glass house under the sea. I’d be like a psychic Sponge Bob. That is if Sponge Bob is a girl and I think the jury is still out on that one.

My real goal has always been to move to Miami when I quit work and retire. Miami is where all the old rich people go to wait for the grim reaper to appear. We don’t have a grim reaper in Michigan. We just have the Grim Repot Guy. The Grim Repo Guy is far worse than the Grim Reaper. He first takes all your possessions away and the shock of loosing everything kills you.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
It seems that all the TV and movies today are using avatars in their storylines. Of course people love TV and movies even if there are not any avatars in them. The reason people like movies and TV so much is that things usually work out better in a fantasy world then in reality. I know I wish I had an avatar I could move into for a while. Avatars seem to always get all the girls. In reality, except for my mom and my aunts, no girl will even speak to me. Yesterday, there was a female policewoman out in front of this office building. I went outside to try to get her to notice me but, she didn’t. I even went and bought some cigarettes (I usually don’t smoke those cancer sticks) and lit one up in a non-smoking area not 20 feet from where she was standing. She still would not acknowledge me even with a warning to put out my cancer stick. She just turned and walked away. That was so depressing that I lit up another cigarette. When I turned around there was this big burley cop standing there holding out a ticket for me to take. “Don’t you know you can’t smoke here,” he barked at me.