EXPLODING UNDERWEAR? ARE TERRORIST WATCHING GET SMART RERUNS?

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Assistant Editor
Blowing up yourself along with a bunch of innocent people gets attention but, it is incredibly stupid, let alone evil. This last attack proves the idiocy of terrorists. Who would believe that someone would try to take down an airplane by wearing exploding underwear? Instead of watching James Bond movies for training films the terrorists must be watching “Get Smart” reruns. I wonder if the terrorist guy had a shoe phone. It has been reported that the flight attendant asked the terrorist if he was having a problem. The terrorist said no and then his britches started to smoke. The Attendant then said “Liar, Liar pants on fire…” You are supposed to burn bridges behind you, not your britches. For a terrorist this guy from Yemen turned out to be a lemon. A government spokesman reported that the terrorist was so scared when his pants blew up that explosives were not the only thing that was found in the guys underwear.

This terrorist nut came from a rich banking family. His old man had homes all over the world. Instead of blowing up a bunch of innocent people he could have just had his old man buy him a seat in the Senate. That’s where the children of super rich people do real economic damage to the whole country.

By Tim Colin
Editor
Cash for clunkers has helped Ford Motor out quite a bit. On the other hand, GM looks like they will need more bailout money from Washington. If you go out on the road you would think GM was selling a lot of cars because everywhere you look someone is either shoving or having a GM vehicle towed. The local GM dealership has a lot full of vehicles waiting to be worked on by mechanics. When I looked for a car there I got frustrated because there were more cars waiting to be fixed on the lot then there were cars available for sale.

I realize that as an American I am part owner of Gm but, I’m not counting on my GM stock portfolio to be a major part of my retirement. As an owner I’m going to write myself a nasty letter complaining about how stupid I must be to let my company be run into the ground. After all, if a business isn’t run well it’s ultimately the fault of the owner.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
CMU beat Troy at the GMAC bowl with a final basketball type score of 44 to 41. Central Michigan University ended the season with a 12-2 record. Great job chips.

In other sports news: The Detroit Red Wings hockey team is number 3 in their division while, the Detroit Pistons basketball team has 11 wins and 23 loses. All I have to say is “Great Job Chips!”

THE WEATHER UP HERE
By Mike Colin
Building Maintenance
If you live in Northern Michigan you will freeze your icicles off next week. We get warm air from the South and Cold air from the North and for the next few weeks the South will be on vacation. Personally, I think they’re just getting us back for that civil war thing.

I’m getting really sick of the grader guy plowing in my driveway as soon as I’ve shoveled it out. The guy must wait around the corner to see when I’ve shoveled the last heavy shovel full of show to the side of my driveway and then collapsed. When he sees I’m having a coronary he comes along and dumps large hunks of ice across the end of my driveway and buries my corpse. He even backs up and grades back and forth across the end of my driveway several times. The grader guy also loves to fill in around my mailbox. Now I’m getting nasty notes from the mail guy complaining that he won’t deliver my mail unless I start keeping the snow cleaned out around the mailbox. Well, the joke is on the mail guy since I mostly just get bills and, I’d just as soon have those requests for money returned to sender

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mistress Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
My name is Mike Colin and I’m filling in for Madam Merkel this week. Our local psychic has gotten into some trouble down state. Last week she went down to some little berg just outside of Grand Rapids. She was being paid to give psychic readings but it turned out to be a MSNBC sting operation for catching psychic predators.

It seems some police lady has been pretending that she was an elderly retiree on the Internet. The police lady would start up conversations with psychics she met in chat rooms and then she would lure them down to her house to give a reading. The problem is that Madam Merkel likes to have a few cocktails before she gives a reading. In the state of Michigan it is illegal to drink before you give a reading. I guess drinking and giving psychic readings is like taking steroids and playing baseball. It is considered to be unfair to psychics that don’t drink because while drinking real psychics give predictions that always come true.

I’m not sure if the Mistress will be back next week or not. The Psychic guild in Michigan has a lot of political power and they’ve gotten some pretty strict laws passed recently. I don’t even know if Mistress Merkel even has a license to practice psychic predicting.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Well those tall blue guys movie (Avatar) is still big and making lot of bucks. I think the blue people sort of look like elongated Smurfs. I do remember that on Star Trek some blue colored women were like the most attractive women in the galaxy. Most of them were beautiful but, I was not too crazy about the blue ladies with the little antennae on their heads.

One reason for the success of Avatar is that it stared Sigourney Weaver. I think all movies with Sigourney Weaver in are going to be hits. When guys hear her name mentioned in the trailer they just have to go see her movie. It’s like that Russian scientist Pavlov and his trained drooling dogs.

For a chick flick, the movie with Helen Hunt in it was pretty good too. I wouldn’t have gone to see it but, I went with my mom. She made me go because the movie was showing at night and she is always afraid of being accosted. She said with a big slob like me tagging along no one would bother her. She paid for my ticket, drink and, popcorn so, what do I care if she insults me.