CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE TOO

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The Supreme has ruled that corporations are people too and so corporations can give away unlimited amounts of money to political organizations. Personally I think my goldfish named fluffy should be legally considered a person. I consider Fluffy to be the child I never had; at least I consider Fluffy to be a kid when I declare it as a dependent on my income tax forms. I call Fluffy an" it" because I’m too embarrassed to look to see whether Fluffy is a boy or a girl. Legally Fluffy is a legitimate person. I paid $50.00 to get Fluffy a genuine social security card along with a Michigan drivers license.

President Obama stated this week that he is coming out with a plan to fix the problems on Wall Street. Do the words “Deja Vous” mean anything here? Maybe the movie “Groundhog Day” will jog the memory. It just seems like things just keep happening over and over again with the same results (or lack of results).

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks were in the tank this week as people began to decide that maybe the economy is not so good. Nearly one in five people cannot find full time work. In addition to not hiring people businesses are cutting corners in other ways. The pizza place across the road is getting really stingy with their pepperoni topping and the bar down the road now has pay toilets. Paying to use the bathroom is one thing but the dog gone bathroom doors need exact change before they will open and, they are set for 37 cents. That means you have to make sure you have change in your pocket when you go to the bar which, includes two pennies. The alternative is to wait until someone leaves the bathroom and grab the door before it closes. Both scenarios are going to lead to some nasty accidents.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well, The Detroit Red Wings can’t claim that they are the Detroit “Hot Wings” this year. The Red Wings have a mediocre record of 25 wins and 17 losses. These guys should be happy they still have jobs. Anyone with a job in the Detroit area is like a king. You can buy up a whole city block for the price of a can of beans.

I am really disappointed that Winter Lawn Jarts will not be seen at the Winter Olympics. I think watching two people throwing lawn jarts at each other would be an instant success ratings wise for the broadcasters. What’s great about Winter Lawn Jarts is that the blood shows up really well in the snow. That adds a lot of drama to this classic game of guts and coordination.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Misty Merkel
I am officially a legitimate psychic now. I purchased a license from the State of Michigan.
Evidently they are the people who have the sole power to regulate psychic abilities. Well, now that I’ve paid them off I won’t have to fear for that knock on the door in the middle of the night. If I do get a knock on the door in the middle of the night I’ll know it’s just inebriated neighbors and not the psychic enforcement cops.

I hung my new license up on the living room wall. It has the word “Legitimate” right on it in big, bold letters. Maybe it will help my business out in the long run. Anyway, I’m going to predict that the government will start taxing everything and cut benefits on everything. High taxes and no benefits. I wonder where does all the money go. I’m going to have to get out my crystal balls and look into this mystery. I only hope I can find them. One of them I think is in the coat closet but, I have no idea where the other one rolled off to. Maybe I’ll have to get out my magic Petoskey stones and give them a rub.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
I’ve been to busy to see any movies. I guess Avatar is still doing pretty good. Unusually the winter is a slow movie season. Mostly just chick flicks and tweeny bopper movies come out this time of the year.

I guess O’Brian is out and Leno is back on The Tonight Show. It seems that people stopped staying up and watching their local news which came on before The Tonight Show. I didn’t think anyone ever watched the local news at night. Don’t most people have some kind of life? If I’m home at night I watch a movie or comedy show or even a cartoon. Sports scores I can get off the Internet. In fact any interesting news is on the Internet.

I hate to say it but local newscasts are so watered down with mundane stuff. They never tell you about what is really going on in the area. You never hear about alien spaceships, the yeti, big foots, The Frankenmoose, alien abductions, Lizard Boy or, any of the other things that are really important to people.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
According to scientists all kinds of smog are blowing into the United States from all over Asia. We are getting a virtual “Smogasborg” of pollution from all those dirty factories we moved overseas. I thought we moved all our factories over there so we would have clean air over here. Instead, now we don’t have any jobs and we are still being poisoned. I think you call this situation “ironic“. I guess we can’t have all our plastic junk and clean air too. The next thing you know is that we’ll be told that all this imported junk is unsafe to use or, eat in the case of potted meats.