HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS

HOW I TRICK OR TREAT
by Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel

Well, it's Halloween season again and time to go out trick-or-treating.  This year I'm going to dress up to look like a little kid because the ones who dressed up like little kids last year seemed to get more candy.  People giving out candy would often let the ones that looked like little kids take whatever they wanted while when I reached into the candy bowl they'd say something like "Just one for you," or, "aren't you a little old to be out trick-or-treating?"  And, some people just pulled the whole candy bowl right away from me and said "Get out of here you old bat."  And, I wasn't even dressed like a bat let alone an old one.  I have always dressed up like a glamorous vampire I call Dracolina.

Well, this year I'm just going to dress up like a little fairy princess and I'm certain that will get me a bigger load in my candy-sack

Now, I've been trick-or-treating for over three decades and the one thing I have learned is that you only want to trick-or-treat in the better neighborhoods.  In the better neighborhoods almost everybody gives out candy and usually it's the good stuff like chocolate eyeballs or juicy fangs.  People in nice neighborhoods are usually social climbers and don't want to look cheap in front of their neighbors.  Of course you should avoid neighborhoods made up of senior citizens because they'll just give you things you don't want like a doughnut hole or bruised apple.   Some seniors will drop a penny in your sack but, it just isn't worth ringing the doorbell on a hundred senior condos just to end up with a buck at the end of the night.  I could do better cruising the pick-up windows at Burger King and picking up the stray change that drunk people drop on the ground at four in the morning.

I have one last bit of advice for you Halloweeners:  NEVER TRICK-OR-TREAT AT TRAILER PARKS UNLESS YOU NEED TO FILL UP YOUR MEDICINE CABINET.

I once trick-or-treated my trailer park and ended up with 16 rolled joints, 8 grams of cocaine' 28 Vicodin, 19 bottles of cough medicine and a meth-lab.  Of course my entire neighborhood was being raided that night and everyone was trying real hard not to violate their paroles or get caught doing something illegal when they still had tethers attached to their ankles.  Of course, I supported my neighbors by turning all the illicit stuff over to the cops in exchange for a case of peach schnapps.

Now, I must get going and to all you Pumpkin Night Worshipers, "HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN."