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Friday, March 6, 2009

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

The record cold weather this year has wreaked havoc across the United States this year. This has put a crimp in the annual Skinny Dipping Day festivities out on Grand Traverse Bay here in Northern Michigan. The entire bay is frozen over so a dip is out of the question. It is probably a good thing. No one wants to see a bunch of future contestants on “The Biggest Looser”, program in the buff. Middle aged men that are 5 feet 9 inches tall and weigh in excess of 300 pounds tend to be looking a bit unattractive when they are not wearing anything but skin. And, the problem with cold water is, the shrinkage it causes is limited to only one area.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Collin

Unemployment crept up to over 8% according to February numbers. About one in every 10 mortgages is in foreclosure and, if my brother Mike doesn’t pay me backs the money he owes me for bailing him out of jail, I’m going to kick him in the Jolly Rogers. I’ve got a date tonight and I need the money. This is the first date I’ve had this year and the first date I’ve had in 9 months that wasn’t’ with a relative.

In other business news, the Dow took a nose bleed dive this week falling to lows not seen since the middle of the last decade. Rush Limbaugh was so mad about the economy he challenged President Obama to a debate. Instead they played an awesome game of tether ball but Obama just beat that ball around the tethered poll well beyond Rush’s reach until, the ball was fully wrapped up and Rush lost. Rush then declared the game was fixed and that next time they would play either four squares or jump rope.

HEALTH CARE NEWS
By Deek Williams

I don’t know much about health care except for the sports injuries I seen on ESPN at the bar I work at but, some of my really boring customers want to watch the news on FOX or CNN so I kinda knows about the health care debatables . I for one believe anyone should get good health care at a cheap price. I for one have some tattoos in some places saying some stuff I ain’t too proud of. I’d love to have them removed but, I don't got the stash being a bartender down the block and working at this joint where they ain’t yet said what I’d be making.

Health care is something everyone needs but, nobody wants to pay for especially, my customers that watch Fox News. But, if they had tattoos in all the wrong places maybe they might not feel that way. Only universal health care is gonna get that image of Donald Duck off my backside

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Tim Collin

The "Mars Society recently had a meeting. This is a group of earth people that want to colonize the planet mars. Are they nuts? Don’t they know this colonization thing goes both ways? With every group of people we send to the planet mars the Marsmen will send another group back to colonize us. Be afraid, be very afraid my fellow earthlicans. Just because they make great candy bars does not mean that Marsmen are not a bunch of psychopathic intergalactic monsters with two eyes and heads that swivel around on a thing called a neck. So beware of Marsmen. If a two eyed thing looks at you really funny, don’t run or show panic, just slink away. And of course never fall asleep because the marsmen have a pod with your name on it so they can grow your replacement. Good luck to my surviving human beings. Just watch your step and NAN NU NAN NU.”

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Collin

The Detroit Red Wings are still kicking rear since they are still number one in the Western Conference of the Central Division with 43 wins. The runner up is Chicago with 36 wins. I love the Red Wings!!!! The Pistons are doing so, so with a second place perch in the Eastern Conference Southwestern division.

My brother Ted is a real jerk. I went on assignment for him out to find Jason Voorhees who, stared in the recently released movie “Friday the Thirteenth,” out at Crystal Lake. I have low blood sugar so I broke into a couple of summer cabins to try to find some sustenance to maintain my sugar levels I was almost 200 feet from the nearest town so I did not have any choice. The last cabin I broke into was owned by the local sheriff. I was saved and sentenced at the same time. I knew this whole deal was a bad idea. God I hate my brother Ted.

PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty

Today is fish people days or the day of Pisces. I don’t know anything about psychology or nuclear physics so, I’m going to fake it till I make it. Fish people should not eat fish during the month of Pisces. If they do then they are going to either get weird nightmares about being eaten by fish people zombies.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Ted Collin

With all that goes on in Hollywood it is easy to believe that most men really want to see more films starring Sigourney Weaver or Zena, The Princess Warrior. Many also like Linda Hamilton from her brilliant dramatic work in the Terminator series. I love these gorgeous actresses. I hope the Marsmen do also so when they take over more Hamilton, Zena and Weaver movies are made in Hollywood.

SPECIAL EDITORIAL: MEET THE STAFF

Here at "Humor News Nuts", we strive to bring up to date reporting on events as we see them unfold. Because of the speed at which news is distributed and changes, many of our writing staff tend to cut corners in order to meet the 6:00 p.m. Friday publication deadline. These cut corners result in many errors in grammar, spelling, facts and, conclusions. In order to protect our writers from the shear embarrassment which are their articles; there are no Hemingway's amongst this bunch, we never give a by line to any article.

Unfortunately, our writers do not see themselves as being "less than good" in the field of journalism and have, given this publication an ultimatum. It seems they want their names to be attached to their articles so that they, the individual writer can get the credit that they deserve. The writers have said they would go on strike unless the publication meets their demands. Management pointed out to these writers that if they were any good they would not be here in the first place. Still, "Humor News Nuts" of course, granted their demands and from now on you will have someone to blame for some really poor journalism.

The writing staff consists of the following people: Ted Collin, Mike Collin, Tim Collin, Deek Williams and Madam Misty. Ted Collin is the only one with any real talent for journalism. He deserves high praise for his ability to get the others to settle down and write a 25-200 word article each week.

Mike Collin is my younger brother and has a real problem with alcohol; he can't afford to buy it so he constantly tries to bum drinks off of me. I'd like to get rid of him but, mom says I can't so I'm stuck with him for now.

Tim Collin is my geeky older brother. He has another job and some friends so he stays away from here. He is brilliant but, he did a little too much nose candy as a student so he tends to hallucinate a great deal. His stories still sound pretty good and he writes more coherently then the rest of these people.

Deek Williams works as a fry cook and bartender at "THE HANG OUT BAR" three buildings down from ours. He's not well educated but, he knows a lot about mood swings amongst the population. He has a shoulder to cry on when you feel broken hearted and a baseball bat to crack your skull open if your feeling a little feisty. He is truly a man who has looked at life from both sides now.

Madam Misty is a fortune teller we hired just yesterday. My brother Mike met her when they were both signing up for a work release program from the jail attached to the city offices next door. Madam Misty runs her own business just on the other side of the city building. She located there because she thought it would be more convenient to be next to the jail so she could bail her girls out when they were picked up. Madam Misty also thought she might get some wealthy clients from the city offices. Madam Misty believed it would be best not to put her own business down for her work release program so she got with Mike who put her on staff. Being an internet physic is certainly an honest vocation.

Now that our staff has been introduced, a name and history can be placed with each article you read. It is hoped that each writer for "The Humor News Nuts", will write with a sense of pride as they see each article has their name in the by line.

Sincerely,

Anonymous
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