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Friday, March 2, 2012

WINNER OF THE MICHIGAN PRIMARY IS COLONEL JOHN J. FRUITCAKE


HUMOR NEWS NUTS

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate editor
Last week we learned the identity of the  winner of the Michigan Primary.  This by itself is very unusual in the State of Michigan since normally election results are kept secret.  It’s part of our Constitution.  In the Michigan Bill of Rights the only enumeration is that “What The People of Michigan Don’t Know Won’t Hurt Them”.

Well, last Tuesday history was made in Michigan when the winner of the Michigan Aluminum Foil Hat Party was announced at Dietrich Muller’s Ski Lodge and Bowling Alley Plc.  The winner of the election was Colonel John J. Fruitcake III.  Of course the title “Colonel” in this case is not an earned military title but is an inherited title going back to Corporal John J. Fruitcake -II who was shot as a deserter during the Civil War.  It seems Colonel Fruitcake’s family couldn’t spell “corporal” so the title colonel was allowed to stick

Now I hate to brag but I was able to interview Colonel Fruitcake III after he was announced the winner of the primary election.  I caught up with the Colonel at Dietrich Muller’s Ski Lodge and Bowling Alley just aster the votes had been recounted  twice at 9:02 p.m. which was two minutes after the polls closed.  Colonel Fruitcake won the primary with just a narrow margin of just two votes.  To the point, the Colonel won with 3 votes over his opponent who got just one vote.  Personally, I voted for his opponent but I will support the overall party winner in the general election.

The first question I asked Colonel Fruitcake was “How does it feel to be the front runner in your bid to be at the top of the ticket to run against President Obama?

“Well,” began the Colonel,” it was a long hard slog but in the end, I beat out my opponent known on the ballet as “Other” by going door to door throughout the entire trailer park where I live.  I even drove two old people to the polls to get their votes.  I also had to take mom and dad out to get groceries so it worked out.”

“Now where did the Aluminum Party start and what does it stand for?” I asked.

“Well, as you probably know that back in the 1990’s when people were revolting against the Beetles invasion in Boston by dumping Chinese tea at the Salem Witch Trials my ancestors were wadding up cheap Ohio made aluminum foil and dumping it in the Flint river.  Of course the reason my ancestors did this in the distant past was because they knew that cheap aluminum foil would not protect their brains from alien mind control.  And, by alien I don‘t mean humans on earth who happen to traverse across arbitrary human boundaries that support leachy elites known as national governments.  I mean the really truly evil aliens that come from the darkness of deep space.  In other words, the only real aliens are life forms that come from other worlds. In other words and to answer the last part of your strange question; People of this World Unite against the evil creatures that come from places and dimensions that our minds cannot comprehend.”

Now after that speech I really wish I would not have voted for “Other”.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Editor
“Beware gift horses that kiss your sister on the mouth.”  I don’t have any sisters that I know of so I don’t really know what the aforesaid saying means but, I think that the stock market must have some relationship to the statement since although the stock market has been going up and up lately sooner or later it will go down.

The stock market is like a tree.  It grows and grows and grows and then when one night you fall asleep, the next door neighbor cuts down the tree and sells the wood and his cousin who is the deputy sheriff arrests you for cutting down a tree without a permit. Life is full of these examples so, I just wish I was taught to be sneaky as a kid and I didn’t have to learn it through the college of hard knocks.

Maybe the government should pay for such an education.  Lying and Stealing 101 should be a required class in order to get a college degree.   Certainly High School students should have this kind of class.  Maybe starting the Lying and Stealing educations should be started in kindergarten like the alphabet and numbers.  It can then become progressively more detailed as each student progresses through school.  At the end of all educations should be an understanding of insurance based equity-swapped bail bonds which is the currency our modern society is based upon.

OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
Brother to the Editors
Last week I went out to Southern Bedar Valley which is just west of Grisstone Michigan.   Of course the North end of the valley is full of really nice million dollar homes but, the southern part is not full of such homes but it is still beautiful there.

The one thing you have to watch out for around this valley is that there are a lot of guys with guns who  stake themselves out around all the little cricks, lakes and, ponds.  They are really defending their fishing territory because every time you get a little bit close to them they shoot their guns off three times.  Evidently, that is to warn people away so you don’t screw up their fishing.  One funny thing is that these guys always have the silliest looking ferns around them.  These ferns come up in rows like they are planted by a farmer.    The other funny thing is that these guys never have a fishing pole, they just have guns.  Boy I’d hate to be them if a Department Of Natural Resources officer showed up and found that they were fishing with rifles, shotguns and machine guns.   I still don’t know what the silly plants are that seem to grow in rows where these fishermen are stationed.”


PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Somebody broke into my trailer and stole both of my balls,  Of course a powerful mystic like myself does not really need balls in order to se the future however, showing off my balls to my clients gives their experiences with me a certain ambiance.  That ambiance is worth about $20.00 since without my crystal balls my clients will only dish out $5.00 instead of the customary $25.00.

Well, not to bother my readers with anymore of my personal or financial problems I just have to say that this month there will be such an interstellar boom that the NASA people will be railing back on their little twin moons and all thinking that the end just might be .near.
















       

Friday, February 10, 2012

OBSERVATION CONFIRMS: CATS REALLY DON’T HAVE NINE LIVES

HUMOR NEWS NUTS 2012 FEBRUARY IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin

According to all the 2012 presidential candidates, we are going back to the moon. In fact, we will have a permanent colony established there by 2020 and perhaps the moon will become a state. If the moon does become a state several futurists have come up with some new names for this state. By futurists I mean of course my friends at the bar. One futurist I know thought the new lunar state should be called Lunaria. I and the other futurists thought that that name was stupid so the Lunaria guy shut up for the rest of the night. I think he was mad or something. Another futurist who was born in Texas thought the new lunar state should be called Texmoonous. That really did not sound too bad but I thought my idea of naming the moon Moonishigan sounded better but, nobody else thought so. Finally, the name Looneymoon was settled upon as the best name for our new 51st state in the union. BUSINESS NEWS By Tim Colin After listening to the presidential debates it is obvious that by 2020 the moon will replace china as the new number one powerhouse of economic growth. After all, there are at least 7 billion moon men and none of them have products like the Nphone, Nintendo Wii or, any kind of Ronco gadgets. And, how could they have ever heard of cubic zirconium or diamondniques when they probably don’t have access to the Home Shopping channel. Of course they might have satellite TV so maybe they can buy stuff but, who in the world (literally who in the world) is going to deliver the stuff. My point being is that these moon men are going to want a lot of our stuff so the market there will be tremendous. I am also pretty sure that the labor there is really cheap. Maybe we could sneak some of these moon creatures onto our world to work as domestics and gardeners. Although, from what I’ve seen through the telescope I don’t think any of them has a green thumb for gardening. The moon seems like kind of a dusty place so there might be a bit of retraining to do for lunar immigrants when it comes to house cleaning. SPORTS NEWS By Tim Colin Since we will for sure be going back to the moon and have a colony there by 2020, I would like to begin now franchising golf courses designed specifically to take into account the very special attributes of the moons surface and lack of gravity. Let’s face it, “Putt, Putt Golf” on the moon would have to be as large an area as an 18 hole golf course if you take into account how far a golf ball just putted on the moon will go. Of course windmills would be out on such courses because there is no wind. Regular golf courses might be as large as the state of Wisconsin with pools of mercury substituting for water ponds. Of course with such large courses renting golf carts by the mile would be the sensible thing for any businessman to do. And, setting up air stations every few miles with very high air rental fees would also be something a prudent businessman would design into his lunar golf course. A very high air deposit fee might also be given to a golf patron with of course the deposit refunded should the patron hold his breath all the way across the fairway and then return the air unused. I feel it is always good to give a customer an optional way to save some money. MICHIGAN OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS By Mike Colin Well, February in Michigan is a lot like January in Michigan excerpt you don’t have any more Christmas presents left to return to the store in order to have some cash to hang out with. Picking up road kill for dinner is slim pickings in Michigan during the month of February because the critters don’t move around much so the pickings are slim and the seagulls are out at the crack of dawn visiting the roadways for carrion. Seagulls are like the top of the chair for road kill carnivores with man coming in a distant second or maybe third or fourth. It is hard to face but if evolution and the survival of the fittest were really true then we’d all be taking orders from those noble chickens of the sea known as gulls. PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel When I looked into my crystal ball this month to see how February was going to turn out, all I saw was white stuff. I thought we were going to be in for some really bad snow storms but then, I saw my girlfriend Pam who was sitting on the opposite side of the table from me had gone to use the bathroom and had left her cigarette smoldering in her empty coffee cup just behind my ball. Once Pam had come back from the bathroom and reclaimed her cigarette then the white stuff disappeared and I saw clear cold skies as the future for the month of February. SCIENCE NEWS By Gerrard I have always heard from people that cats have nine lives. Well, my cat Tigger proved to me last week that cats do not have nine lives even though Tigger, in human terms, lived to be 110 years old. Well, 110 seems like a lot of years however, many more people today are living to be 100 years old or even older. So, for Tigger to have nine lives he would have to live to be close to 1,000 years old (in cat years). Of course maybe he would have if he had not been playing in the street after I had told him for the last 110 cat years of his life that he should stay in the yard and never go out in the street.

Monday, January 2, 2012

U.S. PAYING WAR REPARATIONS TO THE MEN OF THE MOON


IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well our nation has finally capitulated to the demands for war reparations from the occupants who live beneath the lunar surface.  The twin spacecraft that entered lunar orbit last New Years Eve are not there to survey what lies beneath the moon but instead are there with valuable cargo which must be delivered to the moon creatures in order to keep them from destroying our planet.

As has been recorded in previous editions of this seldom published news magazine, the United States lost the initial war with the moon creatures.  Then President Obama ordered a nuclear strike at the lunar poles in order to measure the amount of water that flew up into the atmosphere.  In fact finding water at the poles was just a cover story for what was a thermal nuclear attack which failed miserably.  It seems the moon men have perfected the art of constructing force fields that can withstand anything theta our great military can throw at it.  It seems the scientists on the moon grew  up watching star trek and remembered the secret to constructing force fields that was reviled in episode six in during the forth season of the show.

Ironically, the fourth season was never shown here on earth because the show was cancelled in the third season however, the fourth season was beamed into outer space by project Betty using microwave technology.     Project Betty was the precursor program to Project Setti,  Project Betty tried to send messages regarding how powerful but enlightened the people of this planet are.  Project Setti has since that time been waiting for someone to send a signal back to us.  Of course there is great debate amongst scientists as to whether or not we should have used the Star Trek TV show to show beings on other worlds how we earth people behave and how advanced our spaceships are both in terms of speed and military capabilities.    Some scientists believe that pretending that our civilization is as advanced as the one on Star Trek is just about like lying to the whole universe.  These naysayer think that if aliens ever do stop by the earth they might think that we are nothing but a race of lying, deceitful creatures and the space aliens might just disintegrate our whole planet just for wasting their time.

There are other scientists who believe that pretending we are more advanced than we are to the galactic community is a good thing.  They point out that there are most likely a lot of hooligan species out there roaming around the galaxy looking to plunder worlds with unsophisticated technologies.  There maybe whole planets full of pirates out there just beboping around looking for trouble.   The problem with any type of advanced techno bullies is that we really have no defenses against beings with the ability to travel across solar systems let along galaxies and maybe across the whole universe.  While we try to master the finer points of the “Rock, Paper Scissors “ game our alien friends are playing games like “Projected Plasma Disintegrator, Encrypted Tachyons, Singularity Grenade.”
 
BUSINESS NEWS 2012
By Tim Colin
Editor
In the past few years the prices of homes, stocks, bonds, municipal bonds and, copper have crashed.  The fact is that most things that people invest in have lost most of their value.  In short, most people who worked and saved money all their lives are now just as broke as those who never held a steady job or saved a penny.  What’s worse is that those who worked and saved are now in need of expensive health care because by working so hard they have worn out their minds and bodies. While the hard working savings oriented people are lying in the cardiac ward the rest of us will be sipping fancy coffees and eating pizza pies and of course, living into our 80‘s or 90‘s.   So, to the millions of hard working savings minded  people all I have to say is “Suckers.”.  .

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
The lions.  Wait until next year. Literally, they might just be the team to beat in the Superbowl.  The only sport in Northern Michigan worth noting now is snowmobile stranding.  We locals love this sport.

What some of the locals up here do during snowmobile season is  figure out the nasty places where snowmobiles are likely to get stuck along designated snowmobile trails.  This spot could be a place with lots of outcropping rocks, or a lake or pond or maybe even a bog full of quicksand.  They then set up signs along these designated snowmobile routes that lead down state persons directly into our snowmobile traps.  Of course they just sit by the wayside waiting for someone to enter the trap and then demand lots of money to get said person and their machine out of said trap.

OUT DOORS NEWS NUTS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
It is sad to report that a large man from Livonia was prowling around in the woods here in Northern Michigan looking for wild pigs when he was attacked by a lizard creature.  This lizard creature is believed to be the one known as “Lizard Man” by the locals and has a voracious appetite for pork products.   This creature has reportedly attacked trailer parks and stolen bacon and stole a pig from a Haitian luau party.  He has even gone so far as to attack a truck filled with several hundreds of pounds of pork product.  He has even been known to snatch away pet pigs.

Sheriff Coffee of  Roscommon County  states that “ Although this ‘lizard man’ has taken off with live pigs, roasting pigs and, pork products such as bacon, this is the first time the creature has actually attacked a human being.”

When pressed upon as to why a human was attacked by the “lizard man” Sheriff Coffee referred the press to Under Sheriff Doughnut.  Under Sheriff Doughnut stated that the man who was attacked was very heavy set and was trying to lure in wild pigs by shouting “Oink” at 14 second intervals.  It seems the man has had good experience calling in wild pigs down in Livonia using such a call-in approach.

After getting all the information I could from  the authorities I decided to go ahead and track down this “Lizard Man” monster myself. I immediately found the man who was attacked at the closest tavern to the hospital that had treated him.  He was not seriously injured although the Lizard had taken a chunk of meat out of his belly.  Evidently the lizard was not Canadian otherwise he would have gone for the less fatty meat.

 I decided to follow-up on the information that Coffee and Doughnut had given me by  getting  the story directly from the victim. The victims name was Mr. Randy  Sydney Sow.  When I approached Mr.  Sow at the tavern I immediately noticed that he was naked from the waist up except for bandages over a large area of his belly.  I also noticed he smelled a lot like one of those 24 hour breakfasts joints.  The closer I got to him the more I noticed that he smelled just like the pancake place I had been to earlier that day.  Mr. Randy Sydney  Sow smelled just like freshly fired bacon.  So, after I introduced myself  I could not help but to  ask him why he smelled so much like bacon.

“Well the thing is I went to this tanning joint last night and I fell asleep.  I was in that tanning booth four hours before the lady who runs the joint came around and woke me up.  It did seem at the time that I smelled kind of funny but she thought I smelled really good.  I guess women are attracted to the smell of bacon.  I’ll remember that the next time I want my wife to be on the romantic side.  I’ll just burn my old skin up really good and that will make her love me.  I could have had a lot more girlfriends in high school and college if I only knew then that women don’t want a good looking guy, or a rich guy or even a smart guy.  The only thing a woman wants is a man who smells like breakfast.”

Of course I realized that the reason for the attack on Mr. Sow was  because he smelled like bacon.  I therefore ended my interview and am now just awaiting the next attack upon man or pork before I once again have to investigate  the “Lizard Man”.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A lot of people are getting ready for the world to end in 2012.   One reason people believe the world ends in 2012 is because the Ancient Mayans left a calendar for us in the modern day, in which the world ends on December 21st 2012.  Of course one problem with this end of the world theory is that no one today actually speaks ancient Mayan.  Where the Mayans use to live I believe people speak Spanish so how does anyone really know what the Mayan calendar actually predicts.  So, I decided to channel the ancient Mayan high priestess to see when exactly the world would end.

Now, the name of the high priestess of the Mayans is Charlene.  Her father who had been the high priest before her wanted a boy and had picked out the name Charlie for him.  Well, his child was a girl so Charlene was the name she got which is similar to Charlie.  She did tell me that everyone called her Charlie as her nickname.

“So Charlie, when is the world going to end?” I asked.

“Well you see Madam Misty,” she began, “The world is not going to end in 2012 as most people believe.  These modern eggheads at your universities have completely read the undo of the world date wrong.”

Charlie stopped for a moment and took a sip of the Mogen David wine I had given her.  I always offer visiting spooks Mogen David wine because after being dead they really appreciate a nice sweet wine that goes down easy.  After all, the dead are used to sucking down dirt which is really bitter so a sweet wine  gives them pleasure and makes them feel like they are still alive and of course the alcohol makes them talkative.  “In fact Madam Misty the professors at your universities have misread the date we have ensconced in stone as the day the world ends.  Your brainy people have interpreted the Mayan calendar to set the date of the end of the world as December 21, 2012.  In fact, the world ends on October 12, 2021.  It seems that smart people in your time suffer from the disease our doctors use to call dyslexia.”

“That’s very interesting,” I replied. “But, What causes the end of the world?” I asked.

“The end of the world is really sad, Madam Misty.  You see in the state of Michigan there will be this pig farmer named Johansen.  Now it seems that Johansen has always entered the pig contest at the fair every single year since he was a little boy.  Of course he never got the blue ribbon for having the biggest pig at the fair.  Well, by 2021 Johansen will have a boy of his own who is entering a pig at the fair in the pig with the most weight category.  Now Johansen is determined that his son should win the blue ribbon so he devises a scheme to make the boy’s pig become really huge. You see Johansen knows that only a third of what a pig eats turns into pork and the rest of the food goes out the back end.  So Johansen decides to cork the back end of the pig up really tight so that everything the pig eats goes into weighing up the pig for the fair.  Johansen then has truckloads of baked goods that bakeries and stores have thrown out trucked into his pig farm.  The pig then began to eat.   Well, over the course of months the pig gets bigger and, bigger and, bigger until he is as big as the state of Michigan.  Now Johansen figures his son is surely going to take home the blue ribbon and might even set a record for the being the worlds largest pig.  So Johansen sets about having trainloads of discarded backed goods hauled into his pig farm.  Then his pig got bigger and, bigger and bigger until the pig was as huge as all of Canada but still, Johansen wanted to make sure his son would win the blue ribbon so he contracted for giant containerships to deliver vast quantities of discarded backed goods from every bakery and store in the entire world.  Of course the pig then got bigger and bigger, and bigger until it was as big as all of North America.”

“So Johansen’s son must of won the blue ribbon at the state fair,” I said thinking that the story seemed to have a happy ending.  “He must have been quite the happy boy.  I bet his father was really proud as well.”

“Actually no, the boy did not win the state fair and no one knows what Johansson’s last thoughts were,” Charlie continued.  “For you see before the judges at the fair could check out the final weight of the Johansen mega pig there was an incident.  It seems that someone little 2 year old girl named Sandy was playing down in Tijuana which is where the backend of the monstrous pig was situated and little Sandy decided she would give a little tug on the cork.  Of course the cork had so much pressure behind it that just a slight tug was all it took for the pig to really open up.  Well, I don’t think I need to paint you a picture of the aftermath.  Needless to say the entire earth became uninhabitable for millions of years.  Every single species of beast and flora became extinct all over the earth.  Of course after millions of years the earth was colonized by alien farmers who found that this planet had the richest soil in the universe.”

“Oh that poor little girl,” I observed.            

“The little girl was actually  the only survivor of your species” responded Charlie .  “You see the initial blast out of the pigs backend was so great that the little girl was blasted off into outer space with a methane bubble protecting her from depressurizing in outer space.  At least she survived a few minutes until an alien space craft picked her up and took her away to another world where she was raised like a little princess.”  

Well, once the wine was gone the Mayan high priestess was gone as well. I guess that according to the Mynas we are going to have to wait a few more years until the world actually ends.    But, 2021 is really not that far off so maybe we should all start preparing for that now.  I’m going to start buying canned goods to store because I’m sure toward the end of days there will be a lot of chaos which leads to food shortages.  One thing though is that I wont have to worry about expiration dates on my canned goods being beyond the year 2021.  Already most of the canned goods I buy  are at the dollar store and the dates are in some kind of code and you have to call a 1-800 number to find out what date the code references.  I tried calling the 1-800 number once but, the person on the other end of the line spoke complete gibberish which I could not understand. I think they must of been a politician moonlighting as a real working person.. 

SPACE NEWS
By Gerrard
Writer
I just hope that in 2012  I can get abducted by aliens and taken to some exotic world full of great looking girls who are more interested in a guys mind then what he looks like.  I think that an intelligent guy like me could really settle down with a nice alien lady and maybe our kids would have super powers  or magic powers or at least have some animal like abilities like being able to run like cheetah or jump like a kangaroo you know, something like that.

Of course our kids would have my business that they could take over and run while I’m all vacationing with their beautiful alien mom.  I wonder if somewhere in the universe there is a place like Hawaii that I could take my alien sweetheart.  I think I’d go on a permanent vacation there and let the kids pay me dividends off my business.  My business is (in case you didn’t know) the raising and selling of rats to high schools and colleges.  I raise extremely intelligent rats that are used in psychological experiments.  NBC may even make a weekly reality/game show using my rats called “Am U Smart Are Then a Rat?”     I think the guy producing the show is some sort of southern redneck but hey, I don’t care.  Redneck money is still green.      I did hear that in the pilot show the rat won every round so the producers had to edit the show otherwise some in the human audience might take offence to seeing a rat always beating out a human in intelligence.

Myself, I know how smart rats are because they always beat me at checkers.  A couple of them tried to teach me how to play chess but I just can’t remember how all the pieces move especially those horses.  Do horses more two squares forward then slide to one side or slide one square diagonally forward then slide straight forward one square?  I don’t know.  I just can’t remember.    
   


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