IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well our nation has finally capitulated to the demands for war reparations from the occupants who live beneath the lunar surface. The twin spacecraft that entered lunar orbit last New Years Eve are not there to survey what lies beneath the moon but instead are there with valuable cargo which must be delivered to the moon creatures in order to keep them from destroying our planet.
As has been recorded in previous editions of this seldom published news magazine, the United States lost the initial war with the moon creatures. Then President Obama ordered a nuclear strike at the lunar poles in order to measure the amount of water that flew up into the atmosphere. In fact finding water at the poles was just a cover story for what was a thermal nuclear attack which failed miserably. It seems the moon men have perfected the art of constructing force fields that can withstand anything theta our great military can throw at it. It seems the scientists on the moon grew up watching star trek and remembered the secret to constructing force fields that was reviled in episode six in during the forth season of the show.
Ironically, the fourth season was never shown here on earth because the show was cancelled in the third season however, the fourth season was beamed into outer space by project Betty using microwave technology. Project Betty was the precursor program to Project Setti, Project Betty tried to send messages regarding how powerful but enlightened the people of this planet are. Project Setti has since that time been waiting for someone to send a signal back to us. Of course there is great debate amongst scientists as to whether or not we should have used the Star Trek TV show to show beings on other worlds how we earth people behave and how advanced our spaceships are both in terms of speed and military capabilities. Some scientists believe that pretending that our civilization is as advanced as the one on Star Trek is just about like lying to the whole universe. These naysayer think that if aliens ever do stop by the earth they might think that we are nothing but a race of lying, deceitful creatures and the space aliens might just disintegrate our whole planet just for wasting their time.
There are other scientists who believe that pretending we are more advanced than we are to the galactic community is a good thing. They point out that there are most likely a lot of hooligan species out there roaming around the galaxy looking to plunder worlds with unsophisticated technologies. There maybe whole planets full of pirates out there just beboping around looking for trouble. The problem with any type of advanced techno bullies is that we really have no defenses against beings with the ability to travel across solar systems let along galaxies and maybe across the whole universe. While we try to master the finer points of the “Rock, Paper Scissors “ game our alien friends are playing games like “Projected Plasma Disintegrator, Encrypted Tachyons, Singularity Grenade.”
BUSINESS NEWS 2012
By Tim Colin
In the past few years the prices of homes, stocks, bonds, municipal bonds and, copper have crashed. The fact is that most things that people invest in have lost most of their value. In short, most people who worked and saved money all their lives are now just as broke as those who never held a steady job or saved a penny. What’s worse is that those who worked and saved are now in need of expensive health care because by working so hard they have worn out their minds and bodies. While the hard working savings oriented people are lying in the cardiac ward the rest of us will be sipping fancy coffees and eating pizza pies and of course, living into our 80‘s or 90‘s. So, to the millions of hard working savings minded people all I have to say is “Suckers.”. .
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The lions. Wait until next year. Literally, they might just be the team to beat in the Superbowl. The only sport in Northern Michigan worth noting now is snowmobile stranding. We locals love this sport.
What some of the locals up here do during snowmobile season is figure out the nasty places where snowmobiles are likely to get stuck along designated snowmobile trails. This spot could be a place with lots of outcropping rocks, or a lake or pond or maybe even a bog full of quicksand. They then set up signs along these designated snowmobile routes that lead down state persons directly into our snowmobile traps. Of course they just sit by the wayside waiting for someone to enter the trap and then demand lots of money to get said person and their machine out of said trap.
OUT DOORS NEWS NUTS
By Ted Colin
It is sad to report that a large man from Livonia was prowling around in the woods here in Northern Michigan looking for wild pigs when he was attacked by a lizard creature. This lizard creature is believed to be the one known as “Lizard Man” by the locals and has a voracious appetite for pork products. This creature has reportedly attacked trailer parks and stolen bacon and stole a pig from a Haitian luau party. He has even gone so far as to attack a truck filled with several hundreds of pounds of pork product. He has even been known to snatch away pet pigs.
Sheriff Coffee of Roscommon County states that “ Although this ‘lizard man’ has taken off with live pigs, roasting pigs and, pork products such as bacon, this is the first time the creature has actually attacked a human being.”
When pressed upon as to why a human was attacked by the “lizard man” Sheriff Coffee referred the press to Under Sheriff Doughnut. Under Sheriff Doughnut stated that the man who was attacked was very heavy set and was trying to lure in wild pigs by shouting “Oink” at 14 second intervals. It seems the man has had good experience calling in wild pigs down in Livonia using such a call-in approach.
After getting all the information I could from the authorities I decided to go ahead and track down this “Lizard Man” monster myself. I immediately found the man who was attacked at the closest tavern to the hospital that had treated him. He was not seriously injured although the Lizard had taken a chunk of meat out of his belly. Evidently the lizard was not Canadian otherwise he would have gone for the less fatty meat.
I decided to follow-up on the information that Coffee and Doughnut had given me by getting the story directly from the victim. The victims name was Mr. Randy Sydney Sow. When I approached Mr. Sow at the tavern I immediately noticed that he was naked from the waist up except for bandages over a large area of his belly. I also noticed he smelled a lot like one of those 24 hour breakfasts joints. The closer I got to him the more I noticed that he smelled just like the pancake place I had been to earlier that day. Mr. Randy Sydney Sow smelled just like freshly fired bacon. So, after I introduced myself I could not help but to ask him why he smelled so much like bacon.
“Well the thing is I went to this tanning joint last night and I fell asleep. I was in that tanning booth four hours before the lady who runs the joint came around and woke me up. It did seem at the time that I smelled kind of funny but she thought I smelled really good. I guess women are attracted to the smell of bacon. I’ll remember that the next time I want my wife to be on the romantic side. I’ll just burn my old skin up really good and that will make her love me. I could have had a lot more girlfriends in high school and college if I only knew then that women don’t want a good looking guy, or a rich guy or even a smart guy. The only thing a woman wants is a man who smells like breakfast.”
Of course I realized that the reason for the attack on Mr. Sow was because he smelled like bacon. I therefore ended my interview and am now just awaiting the next attack upon man or pork before I once again have to investigate the “Lizard Man”.
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A lot of people are getting ready for the world to end in 2012. One reason people believe the world ends in 2012 is because the Ancient Mayans left a calendar for us in the modern day, in which the world ends on December 21st 2012. Of course one problem with this end of the world theory is that no one today actually speaks ancient Mayan. Where the Mayans use to live I believe people speak Spanish so how does anyone really know what the Mayan calendar actually predicts. So, I decided to channel the ancient Mayan high priestess to see when exactly the world would end.
Now, the name of the high priestess of the Mayans is Charlene. Her father who had been the high priest before her wanted a boy and had picked out the name Charlie for him. Well, his child was a girl so Charlene was the name she got which is similar to Charlie. She did tell me that everyone called her Charlie as her nickname.
“So Charlie, when is the world going to end?” I asked.
“Well you see Madam Misty,” she began, “The world is not going to end in 2012 as most people believe. These modern eggheads at your universities have completely read the undo of the world date wrong.”
Charlie stopped for a moment and took a sip of the Mogen David wine I had given her. I always offer visiting spooks Mogen David wine because after being dead they really appreciate a nice sweet wine that goes down easy. After all, the dead are used to sucking down dirt which is really bitter so a sweet wine gives them pleasure and makes them feel like they are still alive and of course the alcohol makes them talkative. “In fact Madam Misty the professors at your universities have misread the date we have ensconced in stone as the day the world ends. Your brainy people have interpreted the Mayan calendar to set the date of the end of the world as December 21, 2012. In fact, the world ends on October 12, 2021. It seems that smart people in your time suffer from the disease our doctors use to call dyslexia.”
“That’s very interesting,” I replied. “But, What causes the end of the world?” I asked.
“The end of the world is really sad, Madam Misty. You see in the state of Michigan there will be this pig farmer named Johansen. Now it seems that Johansen has always entered the pig contest at the fair every single year since he was a little boy. Of course he never got the blue ribbon for having the biggest pig at the fair. Well, by 2021 Johansen will have a boy of his own who is entering a pig at the fair in the pig with the most weight category. Now Johansen is determined that his son should win the blue ribbon so he devises a scheme to make the boy’s pig become really huge. You see Johansen knows that only a third of what a pig eats turns into pork and the rest of the food goes out the back end. So Johansen decides to cork the back end of the pig up really tight so that everything the pig eats goes into weighing up the pig for the fair. Johansen then has truckloads of baked goods that bakeries and stores have thrown out trucked into his pig farm. The pig then began to eat. Well, over the course of months the pig gets bigger and, bigger and, bigger until he is as big as the state of Michigan. Now Johansen figures his son is surely going to take home the blue ribbon and might even set a record for the being the worlds largest pig. So Johansen sets about having trainloads of discarded backed goods hauled into his pig farm. Then his pig got bigger and, bigger and bigger until the pig was as huge as all of Canada but still, Johansen wanted to make sure his son would win the blue ribbon so he contracted for giant containerships to deliver vast quantities of discarded backed goods from every bakery and store in the entire world. Of course the pig then got bigger and bigger, and bigger until it was as big as all of North America.”
“So Johansen’s son must of won the blue ribbon at the state fair,” I said thinking that the story seemed to have a happy ending. “He must have been quite the happy boy. I bet his father was really proud as well.”
“Actually no, the boy did not win the state fair and no one knows what Johansson’s last thoughts were,” Charlie continued. “For you see before the judges at the fair could check out the final weight of the Johansen mega pig there was an incident. It seems that someone little 2 year old girl named Sandy was playing down in Tijuana which is where the backend of the monstrous pig was situated and little Sandy decided she would give a little tug on the cork. Of course the cork had so much pressure behind it that just a slight tug was all it took for the pig to really open up. Well, I don’t think I need to paint you a picture of the aftermath. Needless to say the entire earth became uninhabitable for millions of years. Every single species of beast and flora became extinct all over the earth. Of course after millions of years the earth was colonized by alien farmers who found that this planet had the richest soil in the universe.”
“Oh that poor little girl,” I observed.
“The little girl was actually the only survivor of your species” responded Charlie . “You see the initial blast out of the pigs backend was so great that the little girl was blasted off into outer space with a methane bubble protecting her from depressurizing in outer space. At least she survived a few minutes until an alien space craft picked her up and took her away to another world where she was raised like a little princess.”
Well, once the wine was gone the Mayan high priestess was gone as well. I guess that according to the Mynas we are going to have to wait a few more years until the world actually ends. But, 2021 is really not that far off so maybe we should all start preparing for that now. I’m going to start buying canned goods to store because I’m sure toward the end of days there will be a lot of chaos which leads to food shortages. One thing though is that I wont have to worry about expiration dates on my canned goods being beyond the year 2021. Already most of the canned goods I buy are at the dollar store and the dates are in some kind of code and you have to call a 1-800 number to find out what date the code references. I tried calling the 1-800 number once but, the person on the other end of the line spoke complete gibberish which I could not understand. I think they must of been a politician moonlighting as a real working person..
I just hope that in 2012 I can get abducted by aliens and taken to some exotic world full of great looking girls who are more interested in a guys mind then what he looks like. I think that an intelligent guy like me could really settle down with a nice alien lady and maybe our kids would have super powers or magic powers or at least have some animal like abilities like being able to run like cheetah or jump like a kangaroo you know, something like that.
Of course our kids would have my business that they could take over and run while I’m all vacationing with their beautiful alien mom. I wonder if somewhere in the universe there is a place like Hawaii that I could take my alien sweetheart. I think I’d go on a permanent vacation there and let the kids pay me dividends off my business. My business is (in case you didn’t know) the raising and selling of rats to high schools and colleges. I raise extremely intelligent rats that are used in psychological experiments. NBC may even make a weekly reality/game show using my rats called “Am U Smart Are Then a Rat?” I think the guy producing the show is some sort of southern redneck but hey, I don’t care. Redneck money is still green. I did hear that in the pilot show the rat won every round so the producers had to edit the show otherwise some in the human audience might take offence to seeing a rat always beating out a human in intelligence.
Myself, I know how smart rats are because they always beat me at checkers. A couple of them tried to teach me how to play chess but I just can’t remember how all the pieces move especially those horses. Do horses more two squares forward then slide to one side or slide one square diagonally forward then slide straight forward one square? I don’t know. I just can’t remember.