VAMPIRES HAVE RAVE AT THE GRAVE BEFORE HEADING TO CANCUN

IN THE NEWS NEWS                                                                                                
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
It is election 2010 and as Editor of this blog I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we don’t care!!! We don’t care because it does not matter who you vote for because nothing is going to change. As my late Uncle Rev. Bobby used to say, “Those who can pay have all the say. Those that don’t have to pray.” Now Uncle Bobby was a lay preacher so he knew something about prayer. I’m sure he was praying right before he got beaten to death by that one ladies husband. Of course the All Mighty let Uncle Bobby down when he let that woman’s husband out of work early that night.

Although we don’t care about elections overall there is however, one candidate that we are endorsing at this blog. The candidate is Bill M. Oron who is running a campaign to be elected President of the United States in 2010. He should have an easy time taking office since he is the only person running for President in this election cycle. Bill is running as an Independent since his unemployment has run out and he does not have the money to pay to join any political party.

Bill is qualified to be President since he is 23 years old and you only have to be 21 years old to run for President in Michigan. In addition, I can personally vouch for the character of Bill M. Oron. I’ve know Bill since High School and he is quite a guy. He would crack up even the teachers when he’d put straws up his nose and do an impersonation of a walrus.

In addition to a sense of humor Bill was always popular with girls. He had a girlfriend of some type all the way through high school. He got married a month after he graduated and was a father a few days later. Since his marriage Bill has been an outstanding family man. He does not beat his wife or kid and is usually on time in paying child support, unless he goes to the casino.

Another quality that Bill has is that he does not drink and drive since he lost his license last August. He is also good with animals except for that incident with that ladies exotic bird. That case won’t go to trial until after the 2010 election at which point Bill will be able to pardon him. Now in Bill’s defense his attorney is going to make a case that the cockatiel had it coming to her when she kept parading back and forth in front of Bill when he was homeless, starving and, living in a dumpster. Bill was very anemic at the time and had become delusional. He thought the cockatiel was a stray cat. He admits he never tasted cat that tasted so much like chicken.

Overall, Bill M. Oron has all of the qualities that most of our politicians have, particularly those that run for high office. One thing I can tell you about Bill is that he has never taken a bribe in his life. Of course he has never had anything anybody wanted. Even the local pawn shops have banned him from coming in since he always brings in the most worthless crap.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
In business news: I was forced by the prosecutor’s office to stop giving people tours of local quicksand bogs. It seems many people have come up missing during the tours. I told the prosecutor that they just disappeared. I said I finally got wise and started making sure that I was always paid in advance.

In other business news: I think that if you’re interested in what the stock market or real estate market are doing then you must be delusional. You’ve lost all your money already so you’re going to have to forget about retirement and go do something else for the rest of your life. The big box stores always have job openings for greeters and, if you happen to work at a store that sells appliances you can probably get a nice cardboard box to live in. If you happen to work at a store that sells cheap wine then, you will have a way to forget about how much dignity you lost because you were so stupid when you invested your money with Wall Street bankers.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Rotten Apple Core (TRAC) is on track to become the next professional association of athletes covered by Sirius Radio. Our championship game will be broadcast every Halloween from coast to coast and internationally for the next four years. We will be sponsored by Apple Cider Beer Brewers of South Africa which is the largest cider beer brewer in North America.

For those of you who are ignorant of the game known as “Rotten Apple” it is played just like dodge ball except you use rotten apples in place of your balls. Players try to knock off opposing team members by hitting them with a rotten apple. If you are hit by a rotten apple then you are out of the game.

This sport has caught on so much in popularity that there are leagues forming in Canada, Brazil, Russia and, China. In March of 2011 there is going to be an international conference to settle on some uniform rules for the game. I just hope they don’t sissy the game up by not letting you aim for an opponent’s eye with the apple stem. Wearing things like helmets and crotch protectors would also take away from the tough guy image associated with the game of “Rotten Apple”.

MICHIGAN NEWS
By Mike Colin
Younger Brother of the Editor
Well it’s getting pretty chilly up here in Northern Michigan. The local vampires are getting ready to fly to Cancun for the winter. Several local vampire bars have already closed for the season. Before all the vampires take off for Cancun they will be having a “Rave at the Grave” party on Halloween. The party lasts from dusk until dawn and everyone, mortal, immortal and, immoral should have a really good time. The band called Heavy Drinking Vampires is going to provide the entertainment. There is no admission price at the gate to get in however; a donation of about two pints of blood is advisable. If you don’t give at the gate they will probably insist that you make an even larger donation of blood latter on in the evening. If you are intending on making the larger donation then you should say goodbye to your family and friends before you go to the rave because the next time you see them you won’t look at them as your family and friends; you’ll look at them as your next meal.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
I will be so glad when all those old vampires take off to Cancun for the winter. They don’t know how to drive. They come up behind you with their expensive sports cars driving like a bat out of hell and then tailgate you like you’re supposed to drive over the speed limit so they can go faster. They even try to pass you when there is a double yellow line in the road. It is just like they don’t care if they get killed or not. These vampires also don’t seem to care if they kill anyone else.

Another thing I hate about vampires is that when they’re around you have to wear those heavy scarves laced with garlic powder every time you go out at night. If you forget to have garlic around your neck before you know it some vampire is right there trying to give you a hickey. I mean I don’t mind it so much when it’s a guy trying to bite my neck but, I am really not into chicks getting that familiar. And, of course up here in Michigan there must be ten female vampires for every guy vampire. Honestly, I just wish these vampires would just stay down in Cancun year around.

OBSERVATION CONFIRMS: CATS REALLY DON’T HAVE NINE LIVES

HUMOR NEWS NUTS 2012 FEBRUARY IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin

According to all the 2012 presidential candidates, we are going back to the moon. In fact, we will have a permanent colony established there by 2020 and perhaps the moon will become a state. If the moon does become a state several futurists have come up with some new names for this state. By futurists I mean of course my friends at the bar. One futurist I know thought the new lunar state should be called Lunaria. I and the other futurists thought that that name was stupid so the Lunaria guy shut up for the rest of the night. I think he was mad or something. Another futurist who was born in Texas thought the new lunar state should be called Texmoonous. That really did not sound too bad but I thought my idea of naming the moon Moonishigan sounded better but, nobody else thought so. Finally, the name Looneymoon was settled upon as the best name for our new 51st state in the union. BUSINESS NEWS By Tim Colin After listening to the presidential debates it is obvious that by 2020 the moon will replace china as the new number one powerhouse of economic growth. After all, there are at least 7 billion moon men and none of them have products like the Nphone, Nintendo Wii or, any kind of Ronco gadgets. And, how could they have ever heard of cubic zirconium or diamondniques when they probably don’t have access to the Home Shopping channel. Of course they might have satellite TV so maybe they can buy stuff but, who in the world (literally who in the world) is going to deliver the stuff. My point being is that these moon men are going to want a lot of our stuff so the market there will be tremendous. I am also pretty sure that the labor there is really cheap. Maybe we could sneak some of these moon creatures onto our world to work as domestics and gardeners. Although, from what I’ve seen through the telescope I don’t think any of them has a green thumb for gardening. The moon seems like kind of a dusty place so there might be a bit of retraining to do for lunar immigrants when it comes to house cleaning. SPORTS NEWS By Tim Colin Since we will for sure be going back to the moon and have a colony there by 2020, I would like to begin now franchising golf courses designed specifically to take into account the very special attributes of the moons surface and lack of gravity. Let’s face it, “Putt, Putt Golf” on the moon would have to be as large an area as an 18 hole golf course if you take into account how far a golf ball just putted on the moon will go. Of course windmills would be out on such courses because there is no wind. Regular golf courses might be as large as the state of Wisconsin with pools of mercury substituting for water ponds. Of course with such large courses renting golf carts by the mile would be the sensible thing for any businessman to do. And, setting up air stations every few miles with very high air rental fees would also be something a prudent businessman would design into his lunar golf course. A very high air deposit fee might also be given to a golf patron with of course the deposit refunded should the patron hold his breath all the way across the fairway and then return the air unused. I feel it is always good to give a customer an optional way to save some money. MICHIGAN OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS By Mike Colin Well, February in Michigan is a lot like January in Michigan excerpt you don’t have any more Christmas presents left to return to the store in order to have some cash to hang out with. Picking up road kill for dinner is slim pickings in Michigan during the month of February because the critters don’t move around much so the pickings are slim and the seagulls are out at the crack of dawn visiting the roadways for carrion. Seagulls are like the top of the chair for road kill carnivores with man coming in a distant second or maybe third or fourth. It is hard to face but if evolution and the survival of the fittest were really true then we’d all be taking orders from those noble chickens of the sea known as gulls. PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel When I looked into my crystal ball this month to see how February was going to turn out, all I saw was white stuff. I thought we were going to be in for some really bad snow storms but then, I saw my girlfriend Pam who was sitting on the opposite side of the table from me had gone to use the bathroom and had left her cigarette smoldering in her empty coffee cup just behind my ball. Once Pam had come back from the bathroom and reclaimed her cigarette then the white stuff disappeared and I saw clear cold skies as the future for the month of February. SCIENCE NEWS By Gerrard I have always heard from people that cats have nine lives. Well, my cat Tigger proved to me last week that cats do not have nine lives even though Tigger, in human terms, lived to be 110 years old. Well, 110 seems like a lot of years however, many more people today are living to be 100 years old or even older. So, for Tigger to have nine lives he would have to live to be close to 1,000 years old (in cat years). Of course maybe he would have if he had not been playing in the street after I had told him for the last 110 cat years of his life that he should stay in the yard and never go out in the street.

ALIEN VISITATIONS: TED'S INTERVIEW WITH PROFESSOR IMA HAVADATROTS

by Ted Colin
Associate Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, the holiday is over and everything should be getting back to normal but, I have recently been informed by world renown Frederick Michigan Community College  Professor Ima Havadatrots that aliens have left behind definitive evidence that proves their presence.  Following is my interview with the esteemed professor.

Ted:  “Professor Havadatrots, are you prepared to definitively say that aliens have visited our world and if so, what is your evidence?”

Professor Havadatrots:  “The evidence is definitive that we have been visited right here in Northern Michigan by persons from another world.  You see just the other day as I was picking up beer cans and bottles along Highway I 75 I spied with my little eye some most unusual garbage.  It was really colorful with a type of sheen on it that I have never seen before.  Now this refuse came in two different shapes.  One was that of a platter or plate ant the other was much like that of a cup.  Upon examination of the trash I found that unlike human earth plates or cups which are made out of natural earth materials such as paper or Styrofoam this  garbage was like a plastic material.  I of course knew at once it was not plastic because it came from an alien world.  I.m sure aliens have materials much different than plastics to make plates and cups out of.”

Ted:  “So Professor, what did you do with the alien “cups and plates”?

Professor Havadatrots:  Well Ted, I picked up and stuffed an entire plastic garbage bag with the alien plates and cups and sent them off to NASA for analysis.   I hope to hear back from them anytime on the molecular structures of the alien materials.”

Ted:  “What if NASA is unable to identify the molecules of your alien plates and cups?”

Professor Havadatrots:  “Then I guess I’ve discovered a new material and I will make a lot of money.  My guess is that the material because it comes from outer space is completely resistant is infinitely extremely high temperatures.  Therefor, I envision that all futue generations of spaceships will have their hulls made up of the red, white and blue materials that make up the alien plates and cups.