OBSERVATION CONFIRMS: CATS REALLY DON’T HAVE NINE LIVES

HUMOR NEWS NUTS 2012 FEBRUARY IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin

According to all the 2012 presidential candidates, we are going back to the moon. In fact, we will have a permanent colony established there by 2020 and perhaps the moon will become a state. If the moon does become a state several futurists have come up with some new names for this state. By futurists I mean of course my friends at the bar. One futurist I know thought the new lunar state should be called Lunaria. I and the other futurists thought that that name was stupid so the Lunaria guy shut up for the rest of the night. I think he was mad or something. Another futurist who was born in Texas thought the new lunar state should be called Texmoonous. That really did not sound too bad but I thought my idea of naming the moon Moonishigan sounded better but, nobody else thought so. Finally, the name Looneymoon was settled upon as the best name for our new 51st state in the union. BUSINESS NEWS By Tim Colin After listening to the presidential debates it is obvious that by 2020 the moon will replace china as the new number one powerhouse of economic growth. After all, there are at least 7 billion moon men and none of them have products like the Nphone, Nintendo Wii or, any kind of Ronco gadgets. And, how could they have ever heard of cubic zirconium or diamondniques when they probably don’t have access to the Home Shopping channel. Of course they might have satellite TV so maybe they can buy stuff but, who in the world (literally who in the world) is going to deliver the stuff. My point being is that these moon men are going to want a lot of our stuff so the market there will be tremendous. I am also pretty sure that the labor there is really cheap. Maybe we could sneak some of these moon creatures onto our world to work as domestics and gardeners. Although, from what I’ve seen through the telescope I don’t think any of them has a green thumb for gardening. The moon seems like kind of a dusty place so there might be a bit of retraining to do for lunar immigrants when it comes to house cleaning. SPORTS NEWS By Tim Colin Since we will for sure be going back to the moon and have a colony there by 2020, I would like to begin now franchising golf courses designed specifically to take into account the very special attributes of the moons surface and lack of gravity. Let’s face it, “Putt, Putt Golf” on the moon would have to be as large an area as an 18 hole golf course if you take into account how far a golf ball just putted on the moon will go. Of course windmills would be out on such courses because there is no wind. Regular golf courses might be as large as the state of Wisconsin with pools of mercury substituting for water ponds. Of course with such large courses renting golf carts by the mile would be the sensible thing for any businessman to do. And, setting up air stations every few miles with very high air rental fees would also be something a prudent businessman would design into his lunar golf course. A very high air deposit fee might also be given to a golf patron with of course the deposit refunded should the patron hold his breath all the way across the fairway and then return the air unused. I feel it is always good to give a customer an optional way to save some money. MICHIGAN OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS By Mike Colin Well, February in Michigan is a lot like January in Michigan excerpt you don’t have any more Christmas presents left to return to the store in order to have some cash to hang out with. Picking up road kill for dinner is slim pickings in Michigan during the month of February because the critters don’t move around much so the pickings are slim and the seagulls are out at the crack of dawn visiting the roadways for carrion. Seagulls are like the top of the chair for road kill carnivores with man coming in a distant second or maybe third or fourth. It is hard to face but if evolution and the survival of the fittest were really true then we’d all be taking orders from those noble chickens of the sea known as gulls. PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel When I looked into my crystal ball this month to see how February was going to turn out, all I saw was white stuff. I thought we were going to be in for some really bad snow storms but then, I saw my girlfriend Pam who was sitting on the opposite side of the table from me had gone to use the bathroom and had left her cigarette smoldering in her empty coffee cup just behind my ball. Once Pam had come back from the bathroom and reclaimed her cigarette then the white stuff disappeared and I saw clear cold skies as the future for the month of February. SCIENCE NEWS By Gerrard I have always heard from people that cats have nine lives. Well, my cat Tigger proved to me last week that cats do not have nine lives even though Tigger, in human terms, lived to be 110 years old. Well, 110 seems like a lot of years however, many more people today are living to be 100 years old or even older. So, for Tigger to have nine lives he would have to live to be close to 1,000 years old (in cat years). Of course maybe he would have if he had not been playing in the street after I had told him for the last 110 cat years of his life that he should stay in the yard and never go out in the street.

ALIEN VISITATIONS: TED'S INTERVIEW WITH PROFESSOR IMA HAVADATROTS

by Ted Colin
Associate Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, the holiday is over and everything should be getting back to normal but, I have recently been informed by world renown Frederick Michigan Community College  Professor Ima Havadatrots that aliens have left behind definitive evidence that proves their presence.  Following is my interview with the esteemed professor.

Ted:  “Professor Havadatrots, are you prepared to definitively say that aliens have visited our world and if so, what is your evidence?”

Professor Havadatrots:  “The evidence is definitive that we have been visited right here in Northern Michigan by persons from another world.  You see just the other day as I was picking up beer cans and bottles along Highway I 75 I spied with my little eye some most unusual garbage.  It was really colorful with a type of sheen on it that I have never seen before.  Now this refuse came in two different shapes.  One was that of a platter or plate ant the other was much like that of a cup.  Upon examination of the trash I found that unlike human earth plates or cups which are made out of natural earth materials such as paper or Styrofoam this  garbage was like a plastic material.  I of course knew at once it was not plastic because it came from an alien world.  I.m sure aliens have materials much different than plastics to make plates and cups out of.”

Ted:  “So Professor, what did you do with the alien “cups and plates”?

Professor Havadatrots:  Well Ted, I picked up and stuffed an entire plastic garbage bag with the alien plates and cups and sent them off to NASA for analysis.   I hope to hear back from them anytime on the molecular structures of the alien materials.”

Ted:  “What if NASA is unable to identify the molecules of your alien plates and cups?”

Professor Havadatrots:  “Then I guess I’ve discovered a new material and I will make a lot of money.  My guess is that the material because it comes from outer space is completely resistant is infinitely extremely high temperatures.  Therefor, I envision that all futue generations of spaceships will have their hulls made up of the red, white and blue materials that make up the alien plates and cups.

THE BIG HACK ATTACK

by TIM COLIN
SENIOR EDITOR/PUBLISHER
HUMOR NEWS NUTS PUBLICATIONS

I have just been following the big hacking story involving a fellow media giant.  It seems that because of a particular movie's release a foreign government has hacked into the IT network of a major company and is at this moment posting pilfered information to the internet.  Much of this information is supposed to be about celebrities like Angelina Jolie.   I for one have been scouring the internet for pictures but, I haven't found any pilfered photos of any major star.  I did find a picture of General Patton in a tank top.  (LOL).  I will continue my investigation of pilfered celebrity photos.

In regards to the moral and legal issues of hacking into a media outlet's stored data all I have to say is that HNS has been hacked several times.  In fact, if it weren't for hackers we probably wouldn't have any visitors to our websites.  We may be famous but, we're definitely not popular.   It's just like in high school when everyone knows who you are and they avoid you.  Knowing the truth about other worldly beings makes for a long and lonely life.

So, I don't mind the attention my publications receive from hackers at all.   I even enjoy spam.  In fact, the only e-mail I receive is spam and I don't knock spam because sometimes you can get really great deals from spam ads.  I can hardly wait until I've scraped $500 around to send in so I can get my free trip to Bermuda.  It's a limited time offer so I'm going to have to sell something fast to raise the cash.

As far as who hacks into our computers I can tell you that we've been hacked at least once by a major foreign government.  I can't tell you the name of the government online but, I'll give you a really big hint.   The government that hacked our system is a nuclear power and it has at least one letter (A) in its name.

Now, the hack by this government (whom I will refer to as "government A") was quite substantial.  We are pretty certain that government A was after information regarding aliens from outer space and they went deep into our oldest system (powered by a Commodore 64).  Unfortunately, government A downloaded a version of a Ping-Pong game that had an old computer virus attached to it.  This old virus was immune from all the modern anti-virus filters and infected the entire defense network of government A and all the other major nations  who were hacking government A's computer system.   The result was that all the defense computers in the world adjusted their warfare strategies to match those of a Ping-Pong player.  Of course if one player or the other were to miss the little electronic ball being batted back and forth then, all the missiles in the world would simultaneously launch and every life form on earth will die.

So, the results of this hack almost caused a global thermal nuclear event.  Fortunately for the world, little Patty Ellenberger who delivers our paper and also maintains our computer system, was able to hack into government A's defense computer and create a loop in the Ping-Pong game so that every hit by one paddle would result in a save and a hit back by the paddle on the other side thereby, thwarting a catastrophe.   At least the catastrophe is thwarted as long as the loop remains running.  Of course this means that every major nuclear power has people sitting in a war room watching a giant black and white screen with an electronic ball being slowly batted from an electronic paddle on the right to an electronic paddle on the left and then back again.