HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS

HOW I TRICK OR TREAT
by Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel

Well, it's Halloween season again and time to go out trick-or-treating.  This year I'm going to dress up to look like a little kid because the ones who dressed up like little kids last year seemed to get more candy.  People giving out candy would often let the ones that looked like little kids take whatever they wanted while when I reached into the candy bowl they'd say something like "Just one for you," or, "aren't you a little old to be out trick-or-treating?"  And, some people just pulled the whole candy bowl right away from me and said "Get out of here you old bat."  And, I wasn't even dressed like a bat let alone an old one.  I have always dressed up like a glamorous vampire I call Dracolina.

Well, this year I'm just going to dress up like a little fairy princess and I'm certain that will get me a bigger load in my candy-sack

Now, I've been trick-or-treating for over three decades and the one thing I have learned is that you only want to trick-or-treat in the better neighborhoods.  In the better neighborhoods almost everybody gives out candy and usually it's the good stuff like chocolate eyeballs or juicy fangs.  People in nice neighborhoods are usually social climbers and don't want to look cheap in front of their neighbors.  Of course you should avoid neighborhoods made up of senior citizens because they'll just give you things you don't want like a doughnut hole or bruised apple.   Some seniors will drop a penny in your sack but, it just isn't worth ringing the doorbell on a hundred senior condos just to end up with a buck at the end of the night.  I could do better cruising the pick-up windows at Burger King and picking up the stray change that drunk people drop on the ground at four in the morning.

I have one last bit of advice for you Halloweeners:  NEVER TRICK-OR-TREAT AT TRAILER PARKS UNLESS YOU NEED TO FILL UP YOUR MEDICINE CABINET.

I once trick-or-treated my trailer park and ended up with 16 rolled joints, 8 grams of cocaine' 28 Vicodin, 19 bottles of cough medicine and a meth-lab.  Of course my entire neighborhood was being raided that night and everyone was trying real hard not to violate their paroles or get caught doing something illegal when they still had tethers attached to their ankles.  Of course, I supported my neighbors by turning all the illicit stuff over to the cops in exchange for a case of peach schnapps.

Now, I must get going and to all you Pumpkin Night Worshipers, "HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN."

ALIENS HAVE BEEN HERE; HUMOR NEWS NUTS PRESENTS THE EVIDENCE

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, the holiday is over and everything should be getting back to normal but, I have recently been informed by world renown Frederick Michigan Community College  Professor Ima Havadatrots that aliens have left behind definitive evidence that proves their presence.  Following is my interview with the esteemed professor.

Ted:  “Professor Havadatrots, are you prepared to definitively say that aliens have visited our world and if so, what is your evidence?”

Professor Havadatrots:  “The evidence is definitive that we have been visited right here in Northern Michigan by persons from another world.  You see just the other day as I was picking up beer cans and bottles along Highway I 75 I spied with my little eye some most unusual garbage.  It was really colorful with a type of sheen on it that I have never seen before.  Now this refuse came in two different shapes.  One was that of a platter or plate ant the other was much like that of a cup.  Upon examination of the trash I found that unlike human earth plates or cups which are made out of natural earth materials such as paper or Styrofoam this  garbage was like a plastic material.  I of course knew at once it was not plastic because it came from an alien world.  I.m sure aliens have materials much different than plastics to make plates and cups out of.”

Ted:  “So Professor, what did you do with the alien “cups and plates”?

Professor Havadatrots:  Well Ted, I picked up and stuffed an entire plastic garbage bag with the alien plates and cups and sent them off to NASA for analysis.   I hope to hear back from them anytime on the molecular structures of the alien materials.”

Ted:  “What if NASA is unable to identify the molecules of your alien plates and cups?”

Professor Havadatrots:  “Then I guess I’ve discovered a new material and I will make a lot of money.  My guess is that the material because it comes from outer space is completely resistant is infinitely extremely high temperatures.  Therefor, I envision that all futue generations of spaceships will have their hulls made up of the red, white and blue materials that make up the alien plates and cups.

MISTY MERKLE ON DECORATION DAY AND A PREDICTION 
By Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
Well, my memorial day was not so good.  You see the last Spanish-American War veteran in the family (he fought on the Spanish side), my great great  great uncle Herkle Merkle died last summer and in his will he insisted that if his great grandson Benny was going to inherit the farm then Dear old ancestor Herkle had to be burried on Decoration Day.  Well, Uncle Herkle died in August so it was gong to be a time before he could be laid to rest.  Now his descendent Benny Merkle could not afford to keep is ancestor on ice at the funeral parlor for that length of time.  So Benny kept Private Herkle Merkle in his own freezer out in the garage.  Well things would have been ok but Benny got a deer during bow season last year and then got another deer during rifle season.  So, Great Granddad Herkle Merkle had to go somewhere else.

Now the old farm happened to have a root cellar just a few feet down from the outhouse and well.  Of course Benny being a Merkle was quick thinking and stuck great grandpa in the root cellar just on top of the potatoes that Benny kept in there for the winter.  Of course things would have been fine if it had stayed below freezing until Decoratin Day this year but we had a really warm month in March and that meant that there would be no open casket at the funeral.  In fact no one would have come close to that funeral except that Benny  raised herbs on his farm so my great great uncle who fought for the Spanish in the Spanish-American war was laid to rest on Decoration Day smelling like sage, chives, oregano and garlic.

After the funeral I stopped off at the bar for a beer and I didn’t realize it but the smell of the herbs got into my cloths so several people at the bar asked me for my recipe for spaghetti sauce.

Well, after I got home and broke open a fresh bottle of Mogen David I started to see the future.  It seems that the stock market is going to go the way of my romantic life, in short the stock market is going to not work out too well for those who have faith in it.  I also see politics to be nothing but a big bouncing ball.  And, every time that ball bounces it is really going to hurt.

 THE LATEST TECH
“TEETS”
By Gerrard
I just invented this new social forum to communicate with on the internets.  I call it “TEETS”  (TOTALLY ENORMOUS EXCITING TRANSCRIPTS).    With Teets you can communicate with up to 8 ½ words (That’s the number of toes I have).  Now, each word can be up to 11 letters long  (that’s the number of fingers I have if you count the big wart on my left hand’s little pinky).  I believe that “TEETS”  will really catch on and eventually become a trillion dollar IPO.  

So, try out my “TEETS” and see how many of your friends you can get to try my “TEETS”.  Personally, I hope to really milk this idea.

1114
     

     

WINNER OF THE MICHIGAN PRIMARY IS COLONEL JOHN J. FRUITCAKE

HUMOR NEWS NUTS

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate editor
Last week we learned the identity of the  winner of the Michigan Primary.  This by itself is very unusual in the State of Michigan since normally election results are kept secret.  It’s part of our Constitution.  In the Michigan Bill of Rights the only enumeration is that “What The People of Michigan Don’t Know Won’t Hurt Them”.

Well, last Tuesday history was made in Michigan when the winner of the Michigan Aluminum Foil Hat Party was announced at Dietrich Muller’s Ski Lodge and Bowling Alley Plc.  The winner of the election was Colonel John J. Fruitcake III.  Of course the title “Colonel” in this case is not an earned military title but is an inherited title going back to Corporal John J. Fruitcake -II who was shot as a deserter during the Civil War.  It seems Colonel Fruitcake’s family couldn’t spell “corporal” so the title colonel was allowed to stick

Now I hate to brag but I was able to interview Colonel Fruitcake III after he was announced the winner of the primary election.  I caught up with the Colonel at Dietrich Muller’s Ski Lodge and Bowling Alley just aster the votes had been recounted  twice at 9:02 p.m. which was two minutes after the polls closed.  Colonel Fruitcake won the primary with just a narrow margin of just two votes.  To the point, the Colonel won with 3 votes over his opponent who got just one vote.  Personally, I voted for his opponent but I will support the overall party winner in the general election.

The first question I asked Colonel Fruitcake was “How does it feel to be the front runner in your bid to be at the top of the ticket to run against President Obama?

“Well,” began the Colonel,” it was a long hard slog but in the end, I beat out my opponent known on the ballet as “Other” by going door to door throughout the entire trailer park where I live.  I even drove two old people to the polls to get their votes.  I also had to take mom and dad out to get groceries so it worked out.”

“Now where did the Aluminum Party start and what does it stand for?” I asked.

“Well, as you probably know that back in the 1990’s when people were revolting against the Beetles invasion in Boston by dumping Chinese tea at the Salem Witch Trials my ancestors were wadding up cheap Ohio made aluminum foil and dumping it in the Flint river.  Of course the reason my ancestors did this in the distant past was because they knew that cheap aluminum foil would not protect their brains from alien mind control.  And, by alien I don‘t mean humans on earth who happen to traverse across arbitrary human boundaries that support leachy elites known as national governments.  I mean the really truly evil aliens that come from the darkness of deep space.  In other words, the only real aliens are life forms that come from other worlds. In other words and to answer the last part of your strange question; People of this World Unite against the evil creatures that come from places and dimensions that our minds cannot comprehend.”

Now after that speech I really wish I would not have voted for “Other”.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Editor
“Beware gift horses that kiss your sister on the mouth.”  I don’t have any sisters that I know of so I don’t really know what the aforesaid saying means but, I think that the stock market must have some relationship to the statement since although the stock market has been going up and up lately sooner or later it will go down.

The stock market is like a tree.  It grows and grows and grows and then when one night you fall asleep, the next door neighbor cuts down the tree and sells the wood and his cousin who is the deputy sheriff arrests you for cutting down a tree without a permit. Life is full of these examples so, I just wish I was taught to be sneaky as a kid and I didn’t have to learn it through the college of hard knocks.

Maybe the government should pay for such an education.  Lying and Stealing 101 should be a required class in order to get a college degree.   Certainly High School students should have this kind of class.  Maybe starting the Lying and Stealing educations should be started in kindergarten like the alphabet and numbers.  It can then become progressively more detailed as each student progresses through school.  At the end of all educations should be an understanding of insurance based equity-swapped bail bonds which is the currency our modern society is based upon.

OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
Brother to the Editors
Last week I went out to Southern Bedar Valley which is just west of Grisstone Michigan.   Of course the North end of the valley is full of really nice million dollar homes but, the southern part is not full of such homes but it is still beautiful there.

The one thing you have to watch out for around this valley is that there are a lot of guys with guns who  stake themselves out around all the little cricks, lakes and, ponds.  They are really defending their fishing territory because every time you get a little bit close to them they shoot their guns off three times.  Evidently, that is to warn people away so you don’t screw up their fishing.  One funny thing is that these guys always have the silliest looking ferns around them.  These ferns come up in rows like they are planted by a farmer.    The other funny thing is that these guys never have a fishing pole, they just have guns.  Boy I’d hate to be them if a Department Of Natural Resources officer showed up and found that they were fishing with rifles, shotguns and machine guns.   I still don’t know what the silly plants are that seem to grow in rows where these fishermen are stationed.”


PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Somebody broke into my trailer and stole both of my balls,  Of course a powerful mystic like myself does not really need balls in order to se the future however, showing off my balls to my clients gives their experiences with me a certain ambiance.  That ambiance is worth about $20.00 since without my crystal balls my clients will only dish out $5.00 instead of the customary $25.00.

Well, not to bother my readers with anymore of my personal or financial problems I just have to say that this month there will be such an interstellar boom that the NASA people will be railing back on their little twin moons and all thinking that the end just might be .near.