THE BIG HACK ATTACK

by TIM COLIN
SENIOR EDITOR/PUBLISHER
HUMOR NEWS NUTS PUBLICATIONS

I have just been following the big hacking story involving a fellow media giant.  It seems that because of a particular movie's release a foreign government has hacked into the IT network of a major company and is at this moment posting pilfered information to the internet.  Much of this information is supposed to be about celebrities like Angelina Jolie.   I for one have been scouring the internet for pictures but, I haven't found any pilfered photos of any major star.  I did find a picture of General Patton in a tank top.  (LOL).  I will continue my investigation of pilfered celebrity photos.

In regards to the moral and legal issues of hacking into a media outlet's stored data all I have to say is that HNS has been hacked several times.  In fact, if it weren't for hackers we probably wouldn't have any visitors to our websites.  We may be famous but, we're definitely not popular.   It's just like in high school when everyone knows who you are and they avoid you.  Knowing the truth about other worldly beings makes for a long and lonely life.

So, I don't mind the attention my publications receive from hackers at all.   I even enjoy spam.  In fact, the only e-mail I receive is spam and I don't knock spam because sometimes you can get really great deals from spam ads.  I can hardly wait until I've scraped $500 around to send in so I can get my free trip to Bermuda.  It's a limited time offer so I'm going to have to sell something fast to raise the cash.

As far as who hacks into our computers I can tell you that we've been hacked at least once by a major foreign government.  I can't tell you the name of the government online but, I'll give you a really big hint.   The government that hacked our system is a nuclear power and it has at least one letter (A) in its name.

Now, the hack by this government (whom I will refer to as "government A") was quite substantial.  We are pretty certain that government A was after information regarding aliens from outer space and they went deep into our oldest system (powered by a Commodore 64).  Unfortunately, government A downloaded a version of a Ping-Pong game that had an old computer virus attached to it.  This old virus was immune from all the modern anti-virus filters and infected the entire defense network of government A and all the other major nations  who were hacking government A's computer system.   The result was that all the defense computers in the world adjusted their warfare strategies to match those of a Ping-Pong player.  Of course if one player or the other were to miss the little electronic ball being batted back and forth then, all the missiles in the world would simultaneously launch and every life form on earth will die.

So, the results of this hack almost caused a global thermal nuclear event.  Fortunately for the world, little Patty Ellenberger who delivers our paper and also maintains our computer system, was able to hack into government A's defense computer and create a loop in the Ping-Pong game so that every hit by one paddle would result in a save and a hit back by the paddle on the other side thereby, thwarting a catastrophe.   At least the catastrophe is thwarted as long as the loop remains running.  Of course this means that every major nuclear power has people sitting in a war room watching a giant black and white screen with an electronic ball being slowly batted from an electronic paddle on the right to an electronic paddle on the left and then back again.  

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS

HOW I TRICK OR TREAT
by Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel

Well, it's Halloween season again and time to go out trick-or-treating.  This year I'm going to dress up to look like a little kid because the ones who dressed up like little kids last year seemed to get more candy.  People giving out candy would often let the ones that looked like little kids take whatever they wanted while when I reached into the candy bowl they'd say something like "Just one for you," or, "aren't you a little old to be out trick-or-treating?"  And, some people just pulled the whole candy bowl right away from me and said "Get out of here you old bat."  And, I wasn't even dressed like a bat let alone an old one.  I have always dressed up like a glamorous vampire I call Dracolina.

Well, this year I'm just going to dress up like a little fairy princess and I'm certain that will get me a bigger load in my candy-sack

Now, I've been trick-or-treating for over three decades and the one thing I have learned is that you only want to trick-or-treat in the better neighborhoods.  In the better neighborhoods almost everybody gives out candy and usually it's the good stuff like chocolate eyeballs or juicy fangs.  People in nice neighborhoods are usually social climbers and don't want to look cheap in front of their neighbors.  Of course you should avoid neighborhoods made up of senior citizens because they'll just give you things you don't want like a doughnut hole or bruised apple.   Some seniors will drop a penny in your sack but, it just isn't worth ringing the doorbell on a hundred senior condos just to end up with a buck at the end of the night.  I could do better cruising the pick-up windows at Burger King and picking up the stray change that drunk people drop on the ground at four in the morning.

I have one last bit of advice for you Halloweeners:  NEVER TRICK-OR-TREAT AT TRAILER PARKS UNLESS YOU NEED TO FILL UP YOUR MEDICINE CABINET.

I once trick-or-treated my trailer park and ended up with 16 rolled joints, 8 grams of cocaine' 28 Vicodin, 19 bottles of cough medicine and a meth-lab.  Of course my entire neighborhood was being raided that night and everyone was trying real hard not to violate their paroles or get caught doing something illegal when they still had tethers attached to their ankles.  Of course, I supported my neighbors by turning all the illicit stuff over to the cops in exchange for a case of peach schnapps.

Now, I must get going and to all you Pumpkin Night Worshipers, "HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN."

ALIENS HAVE BEEN HERE; HUMOR NEWS NUTS PRESENTS THE EVIDENCE

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, the holiday is over and everything should be getting back to normal but, I have recently been informed by world renown Frederick Michigan Community College  Professor Ima Havadatrots that aliens have left behind definitive evidence that proves their presence.  Following is my interview with the esteemed professor.

Ted:  “Professor Havadatrots, are you prepared to definitively say that aliens have visited our world and if so, what is your evidence?”

Professor Havadatrots:  “The evidence is definitive that we have been visited right here in Northern Michigan by persons from another world.  You see just the other day as I was picking up beer cans and bottles along Highway I 75 I spied with my little eye some most unusual garbage.  It was really colorful with a type of sheen on it that I have never seen before.  Now this refuse came in two different shapes.  One was that of a platter or plate ant the other was much like that of a cup.  Upon examination of the trash I found that unlike human earth plates or cups which are made out of natural earth materials such as paper or Styrofoam this  garbage was like a plastic material.  I of course knew at once it was not plastic because it came from an alien world.  I.m sure aliens have materials much different than plastics to make plates and cups out of.”

Ted:  “So Professor, what did you do with the alien “cups and plates”?

Professor Havadatrots:  Well Ted, I picked up and stuffed an entire plastic garbage bag with the alien plates and cups and sent them off to NASA for analysis.   I hope to hear back from them anytime on the molecular structures of the alien materials.”

Ted:  “What if NASA is unable to identify the molecules of your alien plates and cups?”

Professor Havadatrots:  “Then I guess I’ve discovered a new material and I will make a lot of money.  My guess is that the material because it comes from outer space is completely resistant is infinitely extremely high temperatures.  Therefor, I envision that all futue generations of spaceships will have their hulls made up of the red, white and blue materials that make up the alien plates and cups.

MISTY MERKLE ON DECORATION DAY AND A PREDICTION 
By Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
Well, my memorial day was not so good.  You see the last Spanish-American War veteran in the family (he fought on the Spanish side), my great great  great uncle Herkle Merkle died last summer and in his will he insisted that if his great grandson Benny was going to inherit the farm then Dear old ancestor Herkle had to be burried on Decoration Day.  Well, Uncle Herkle died in August so it was gong to be a time before he could be laid to rest.  Now his descendent Benny Merkle could not afford to keep is ancestor on ice at the funeral parlor for that length of time.  So Benny kept Private Herkle Merkle in his own freezer out in the garage.  Well things would have been ok but Benny got a deer during bow season last year and then got another deer during rifle season.  So, Great Granddad Herkle Merkle had to go somewhere else.

Now the old farm happened to have a root cellar just a few feet down from the outhouse and well.  Of course Benny being a Merkle was quick thinking and stuck great grandpa in the root cellar just on top of the potatoes that Benny kept in there for the winter.  Of course things would have been fine if it had stayed below freezing until Decoratin Day this year but we had a really warm month in March and that meant that there would be no open casket at the funeral.  In fact no one would have come close to that funeral except that Benny  raised herbs on his farm so my great great uncle who fought for the Spanish in the Spanish-American war was laid to rest on Decoration Day smelling like sage, chives, oregano and garlic.

After the funeral I stopped off at the bar for a beer and I didn’t realize it but the smell of the herbs got into my cloths so several people at the bar asked me for my recipe for spaghetti sauce.

Well, after I got home and broke open a fresh bottle of Mogen David I started to see the future.  It seems that the stock market is going to go the way of my romantic life, in short the stock market is going to not work out too well for those who have faith in it.  I also see politics to be nothing but a big bouncing ball.  And, every time that ball bounces it is really going to hurt.

 THE LATEST TECH
“TEETS”
By Gerrard
I just invented this new social forum to communicate with on the internets.  I call it “TEETS”  (TOTALLY ENORMOUS EXCITING TRANSCRIPTS).    With Teets you can communicate with up to 8 ½ words (That’s the number of toes I have).  Now, each word can be up to 11 letters long  (that’s the number of fingers I have if you count the big wart on my left hand’s little pinky).  I believe that “TEETS”  will really catch on and eventually become a trillion dollar IPO.  

So, try out my “TEETS” and see how many of your friends you can get to try my “TEETS”.  Personally, I hope to really milk this idea.