IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well the big elections are over and some political party won and some political party lost. At this publication we were only interested in the independent candidate that we had endorsed for President. That candidate was a Northern Michigan local known as Bill M. Oron. Mr. Oron is an outside the beltway candidate that espouses his various political philosophies after downing a half dozen pints of beer. Mr. Oron is certainly very different from all the other politicians. For example, Mr. Oron is the only candidate for the presidency who wishes to deport all the space aliens that have come to inhabit our planet and steal its precious resources. “Earth for Earthlings” is his slogan. Everyone has to admit that all the policies the major parties fight over are completely unimportant when it comes to our planet being invaded and conquered by aliens from other worlds. Some of these space aliens may even want to eat us. I’ve heard that we Earthlings taste like a combination of veal, chicken and, pork. I wondered what happened to Cousin Dale when he disappeared right before my families last Christmas dinner. Often times I loose relatives when there is a big family get together that requires feeding people a lot of meat. It's a good thing people in my family have lots of kids.
In regards to this last national election, Bill M. Oron would be our new President if only 2010 were a year in which the U.S. President is chosen. It seems that the next presidential election is in 2012. The previous election was in 2008 and the one before that was in 2004. What kind of pattern is that? How does anyone know when they should run for president when the presidential elections are placed in randomly picked years? You would think that elections would be in years that end in either “5” or “10” so that people would not get confused. I guess that the reason we have just a two party system is because the two major parties are the only ones that know when the next election is going to take place.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Editor
Are you tired of receiving all those utility bills in the mail? Are you sick to death of seeing cut-off notices for your utilities lying all over every table and desk in your home. Are you feeling low because you can’t pay those bills until your doctor says that the disease you got from the girl you made out with on the beach last summer has gone away enough so you can sell your blood again? Well, I have a remedy for all your problems. Just install a wood stove using the low cost wood stove conversion kit that I have patented and am selling for just $19.99. With your own wood stove, you can just take all your utility bills and burn them without even having to look at them. You can also ignore all those letters from the health department regarding the romance disease you caught last summer and might be spreading to your kith and kin right now. In addition to literally sending your problems up in flames, you will be making your home nice and toasty and the ladies just love to sit in front of a nice warm fire.
Now the conversion kit itself is just $19.99 and can be used with any empty five gallon bucket. Just follow the directions and install my patented conversion parts and you will have a nice operational wood-stove. Now I have stated that any empty five gallon bucket can be used however, I should tell you that metal buckets work better than plastic ones. Plastic buckets will give you a huge flame and throw off plenty of heat but, it seems there is a chemical breakdown in plastic when it is heated to the point of becoming fuel. This means that plastic wood-stoves are only good for one burn. Usually, most people are able to salvage the conversion kit for reuse after of course the fire department has left and the insurance investigator has taken some pictures of the fire and water damage done to your home.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
How about those Detroit Lions? Enough said. I just won a silver colored paper Mache medal for my outstanding athletic prowess in the sport of extreme tether-ball. Of course the goal of extreme tether-ball is the same as regular tether-ball: that being to slap a ball on a string which is attached to a pole so hard that your opponent cannot stop the ball from circling around and around the pole so many times that the ball runs out of rope and kisses the pole. In extreme tether-ball the ball has four six inch razor sharp spikes on it located about 90 degrees apart. So, points are really secondary in extreme tether-ball. What you really want to do is to put someone’s eyes out. The goal is similar to extreme lawn jarts where you want to stab your opponent so bad that he has to go to the hospital.
Of course putting someone’s eyes out during a game might seem somewhat extreme but, here in Northern Michigan we have several well trained mad scientists who just love to replace normal human tissue with that of some animal that was found as road kill. I for one have had the eyes of several different animals over the years. Currently I have a badger eye and an eye from a Chinook salmon. Having really messed up animal eyes is actually a great way to start up conversations with the ladies that you meet at the bar. Chicks really did a guy that has the eyes of two different dead animals. In fact, women would all tell me to “get lost” and that I was some sort of a “creepy jerk” but, since I’ve be playing extreme tether-ball and getting a new set of eyes after almost every match, they now say that I have “mysterious eyes” and that they’d like to get to know the real man behind my beautiful animal peepers.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Mike Colin
Associate Reporter
Chipmunk Hunting in Northern Michigan
Well, chipmunk hunting season has begun in Northern Michigan. This year there are a few new rules to follow while hunting chipmunks. This year the taking of antler-less and spike horned chipmunks is strictly prohibited and anyone found with a doe or spike horned chipmunk in their possession is subject to a fine of no more $1.99 per violation and an incarceration of not more than 19 hours. You might also receive a suspension of your chipmunk hunting license for up to three days. People ticketed for multiple violations withing a twenty year period could also be banned from chipmunk hunting in Michigan. Hunting chipmunks in Michigan is a privilege not a right.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
My prediction for November is that sales will be really good for retailers and a lot of turkeys will be worried that sales of those deep fat fryers for turkeys had more than doubled every year for the last ten years. Of course the turkeys would not worry so much if people would remember not to drop into the boiling fat those live turkeys that the kids got way back in the spring for Easter. It’s really kind of cruel to raise those turkeys up like they were your own kids and then on Thanksgiving take them out on the back deck and throw a quarter in the boiling grease and stank back and watch as the poor turkey dives to a boiling death for just a quarter. I remember at my ex-husbands parent’s house someone threw a quarter into the pot and half of my husband’s family dove into the boiling grease. It was a good thing that my ex-husband always had several jars of Vaseline in his car or a lot of those people would have been scarred for life.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrad Maintenance Man
I can’t afford to go to any theaters to see any movies so I just watch whatever comes on at the bar. Mainly that’s sports in Northern Michigan so, that’s o.k. with me. I did get some entertainment when there was this big fight at the bar last weekend. This one nice looking blond accused this other girl who happened to be brunette of having a relationship with here husband. I guessed by the way the blond hit that brunette in the head with a chair that the relationship had nothing to d with being a relative. Finally, the brunette retaliated by hauling the blond girl into the bathroom and into an open stall where the brunette stuck the blond girls head in the toilet and proceeded to flush the toilet several times. I almost felt sorry for the blond girl since I got a lot of toilet head swirlies in my day but, most of the time it was always a girl that gave it to me. In truth, most of the time is was mom.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
IZZY AND THE SNOT DRAGONS
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Hurricane Gilligan is really gaining strength in Lake Michigan and will soon hit the coast of Little Manitou Island. This will be the sixth hurricane to hit Little Manitou Island this season. The Skipper, The Millionaire, His Wife, The Movie Star, And The Rest, was all named Lake Michigan Hurricanes that struck poor Little Manitou Island. The animal called the Manitou is an endangered species here in Michigan although; there are millions of them in Canada. In fact, in Michigan the Manitou used to be Manithree but, soon they may become Maninone.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market has been fluctuating a lot lately so I’ve been going to the casino. Every Saturday morning I pick up beer cans out in back of the county building where the judges and officials park. I then turn in the cans at the gas station. Then I take my found money and head to the casino. I usually lose most of my money but, at the end of the day I have enough to buy something to eat. That is certainly better than putting your money into a 401k.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Our local minor league baseball team, called the Beach Bums, has done really well this year and will most likely be in the playoffs. So good luck Beach Bums.
The Detroit Lions are currently playing a game resembling football so; I don’t want to jinx them by saying too much. I guess this year most of the players understand they were hired to play football and not dodge ball where when you have the ball you immediately try to throw the ball at your opponent and try to hit him with it. In dodge ball you of course have to stay well away from the ball if someone throws it at you. The lions have been the undisputed champions of dodge ball for several years. In addition to playing dodge ball well the lions have observed the rules to dodge ball in most of their games. For example, physical contact with the opposing team is illegal in dodge ball and the Lions defense has followed that rule quite well over the years. In the defense of past Lions teams perhaps, the players on the other teams had cooties. Well, like I said I don’t want to bring up past Lions teams in case it might jinx the current team. I do wish the Detroit Lions well this season.
PSYCHIC NEWS
IZZY AND THE SNOT DRAGONS
By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
When you live in a trailer park like I do you come across all kinds of strange stuff like dead people, werewolves, vampires, killer snakes and space aliens. Other than what I just mentioned, people in trailer parks live pretty much normal lives. The one exception to that rule is the late Izzy Snotkowski.
Izzy is a local legend here in Northern Michigan. Back in the 1980’s he had a heavy metal band called Izzy and The Snot Dragons. Izzy’s band went on tour all over the world and opened for such bands as The Nooner Specialists and Telly Titus and The Sea Monkeys. In fact, Izzy had an awesome band and I went to see them several times. There was always something special in the air at his concerts. His music is said to have transformed many a young mind. I think that maybe my psychic abilities grew out of my experiences at his live concerts on the green in downtown Grelickville.
Now Izzy was not only a magical man when it came to heavy metal music but, he was also a biker. He was especially good at performing stunts at local fairs and backyard functions like birthdays, weddings and getting home from prison parties. One day back in 1989 my boyfriend (soon to be husband and former husband) got out of jail and his parents through him a big party on their farm. My boyfriend knew Izzy really well so Izzy was honored to perform a stunk on his bike at the party.
Izzy and my boyfriend went way back so Izzy decided to do something special for entertainment at the party. My boyfriend’s parents had a railroad track that went right across their farm and every evening at 8:15 p.m. a train would run through the farm. Izzy decided his trick would be to run his motorcycle up to the track and then jump on the track right in front of the train and run his motorcycle ahead of the train for a quarter of a mile and then jump his bike off the track before the train ran over him. Well, the stunt went badly from the get go for as soon as Izzy’s bike jumped onto the track the train hit him which turned Izzy and his Kawasaki into sushi.
That was the most tragic get out of jail party I had ever attended. It is ironic that the tragic end to poor Izzy foreshadowed the tragic end to the relationship that I and my boyfriend had for the day after the accident my boyfriend and I got married and we hated each other every single day afterwards. Just thinking about that man right now makes me want to break something and then call the cops.
Anyway, Izzy used to have a trailer over on lot nine. Because the trailer was haunted by Izzy’s ghost no one would rent it so, Izzy’s family burned it down one Halloween night and collected the insurance on it. The fire was blamed on a neighbor kid named Justin and Justin spent a few years in the pokey for it. It seems Justin was known in the neighborhood as the kid who liked to play with matches so everyone assumed that he was the arsonist who burned down Izzy’s trailer. This is a clear warning to all the kids out there that you should not be caught playing with matches or you’ll be blamed for burning something down.
What really sealed Justin’s fate was when the jury found out that Justin wet to bed. They assumed he was an arsonist since everyone knows that people wet to bed in an attempt to put out a fire they started in a dream. Playing with matches and bed wetting got Justin five years in Jackson penitentiary.
After the charred remains of Izzy’s trailer were hauled away someone else rented the lot and put a brand new trailer on it. It was not long before that trailer too was haunted so the owner and his family abandoned the trailer in the middle of the night. Several more trailers were tried out on lot nine but everyone moved out within a few weeks. Finally, the last trailer that was abandoned lies empty to this day. The only thing is that every night at midnight the entire trailer park can hear Izzy ripping through chords on his electric guitar like he did before he became a ground hamburger with Kawasaki shoestrings fries along side the railroad track.
In the trailer park we have come to view Izzy’s late night riffs as a sort of trailer park taps. It’s goodnight to the day and goodnight to all those old heavy metal bikers
OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
The squirrels are plump this year and the old guys around town have really thick whiskers so it’s going to be a hard winter in Northern Michigan. The Lumberman’s Almanac predicts stuff is really going to get deep up here in Michigan. The head of the Back Forty Whisky Still Keepers Association said that he knows the upcoming winter will be long because when his still blew up last week he could not see his shadow. In fact, he couldn’t see anything until he came too after being in a coma for three days. The doctors said the still explosion didn’t cause the coma but it was what the guy drank before it exploded that caused him to pass out for three days.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Well summer is over and it’s time to go back to school. My mom told me that it was time for me to go back to college and get a career. She said I should be out living above ground instead of in her basement. She even cut my allowance in half to try to get me to get serious about getting a “real life”. I told her I had lots of friends on Facebook and Myspace but, she said it was time I outgrew my Dungeons and Dragons stage of development and met some real people in the real world. I told her I watched Real World every week.
Well, I tried to enroll at the college but, all they had left was some culinary classes. I didn’t know what type of culinary class to take until I found one called Ginsu Knives for Ninja Warriors. That class sounded kind of cool but before it started I was told that the number of students was too great so I was cut from the enrollment.
Well, enough about my personal tragedy for I must now talk about the movies. Of course since my allowance has been cut in half I can’t go to the movies anymore so it is hard for me to comment on them. All I can do is comment on the trailers I see on TV. From the trailers all I can say is who are all those old guys playing heroes and why are they in better shape than I am?
By Ted Colin
Hurricane Gilligan is really gaining strength in Lake Michigan and will soon hit the coast of Little Manitou Island. This will be the sixth hurricane to hit Little Manitou Island this season. The Skipper, The Millionaire, His Wife, The Movie Star, And The Rest, was all named Lake Michigan Hurricanes that struck poor Little Manitou Island. The animal called the Manitou is an endangered species here in Michigan although; there are millions of them in Canada. In fact, in Michigan the Manitou used to be Manithree but, soon they may become Maninone.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market has been fluctuating a lot lately so I’ve been going to the casino. Every Saturday morning I pick up beer cans out in back of the county building where the judges and officials park. I then turn in the cans at the gas station. Then I take my found money and head to the casino. I usually lose most of my money but, at the end of the day I have enough to buy something to eat. That is certainly better than putting your money into a 401k.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Our local minor league baseball team, called the Beach Bums, has done really well this year and will most likely be in the playoffs. So good luck Beach Bums.
The Detroit Lions are currently playing a game resembling football so; I don’t want to jinx them by saying too much. I guess this year most of the players understand they were hired to play football and not dodge ball where when you have the ball you immediately try to throw the ball at your opponent and try to hit him with it. In dodge ball you of course have to stay well away from the ball if someone throws it at you. The lions have been the undisputed champions of dodge ball for several years. In addition to playing dodge ball well the lions have observed the rules to dodge ball in most of their games. For example, physical contact with the opposing team is illegal in dodge ball and the Lions defense has followed that rule quite well over the years. In the defense of past Lions teams perhaps, the players on the other teams had cooties. Well, like I said I don’t want to bring up past Lions teams in case it might jinx the current team. I do wish the Detroit Lions well this season.
PSYCHIC NEWS
IZZY AND THE SNOT DRAGONS
By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
When you live in a trailer park like I do you come across all kinds of strange stuff like dead people, werewolves, vampires, killer snakes and space aliens. Other than what I just mentioned, people in trailer parks live pretty much normal lives. The one exception to that rule is the late Izzy Snotkowski.
Izzy is a local legend here in Northern Michigan. Back in the 1980’s he had a heavy metal band called Izzy and The Snot Dragons. Izzy’s band went on tour all over the world and opened for such bands as The Nooner Specialists and Telly Titus and The Sea Monkeys. In fact, Izzy had an awesome band and I went to see them several times. There was always something special in the air at his concerts. His music is said to have transformed many a young mind. I think that maybe my psychic abilities grew out of my experiences at his live concerts on the green in downtown Grelickville.
Now Izzy was not only a magical man when it came to heavy metal music but, he was also a biker. He was especially good at performing stunts at local fairs and backyard functions like birthdays, weddings and getting home from prison parties. One day back in 1989 my boyfriend (soon to be husband and former husband) got out of jail and his parents through him a big party on their farm. My boyfriend knew Izzy really well so Izzy was honored to perform a stunk on his bike at the party.
Izzy and my boyfriend went way back so Izzy decided to do something special for entertainment at the party. My boyfriend’s parents had a railroad track that went right across their farm and every evening at 8:15 p.m. a train would run through the farm. Izzy decided his trick would be to run his motorcycle up to the track and then jump on the track right in front of the train and run his motorcycle ahead of the train for a quarter of a mile and then jump his bike off the track before the train ran over him. Well, the stunt went badly from the get go for as soon as Izzy’s bike jumped onto the track the train hit him which turned Izzy and his Kawasaki into sushi.
That was the most tragic get out of jail party I had ever attended. It is ironic that the tragic end to poor Izzy foreshadowed the tragic end to the relationship that I and my boyfriend had for the day after the accident my boyfriend and I got married and we hated each other every single day afterwards. Just thinking about that man right now makes me want to break something and then call the cops.
Anyway, Izzy used to have a trailer over on lot nine. Because the trailer was haunted by Izzy’s ghost no one would rent it so, Izzy’s family burned it down one Halloween night and collected the insurance on it. The fire was blamed on a neighbor kid named Justin and Justin spent a few years in the pokey for it. It seems Justin was known in the neighborhood as the kid who liked to play with matches so everyone assumed that he was the arsonist who burned down Izzy’s trailer. This is a clear warning to all the kids out there that you should not be caught playing with matches or you’ll be blamed for burning something down.
What really sealed Justin’s fate was when the jury found out that Justin wet to bed. They assumed he was an arsonist since everyone knows that people wet to bed in an attempt to put out a fire they started in a dream. Playing with matches and bed wetting got Justin five years in Jackson penitentiary.
After the charred remains of Izzy’s trailer were hauled away someone else rented the lot and put a brand new trailer on it. It was not long before that trailer too was haunted so the owner and his family abandoned the trailer in the middle of the night. Several more trailers were tried out on lot nine but everyone moved out within a few weeks. Finally, the last trailer that was abandoned lies empty to this day. The only thing is that every night at midnight the entire trailer park can hear Izzy ripping through chords on his electric guitar like he did before he became a ground hamburger with Kawasaki shoestrings fries along side the railroad track.
In the trailer park we have come to view Izzy’s late night riffs as a sort of trailer park taps. It’s goodnight to the day and goodnight to all those old heavy metal bikers
OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
The squirrels are plump this year and the old guys around town have really thick whiskers so it’s going to be a hard winter in Northern Michigan. The Lumberman’s Almanac predicts stuff is really going to get deep up here in Michigan. The head of the Back Forty Whisky Still Keepers Association said that he knows the upcoming winter will be long because when his still blew up last week he could not see his shadow. In fact, he couldn’t see anything until he came too after being in a coma for three days. The doctors said the still explosion didn’t cause the coma but it was what the guy drank before it exploded that caused him to pass out for three days.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Well summer is over and it’s time to go back to school. My mom told me that it was time for me to go back to college and get a career. She said I should be out living above ground instead of in her basement. She even cut my allowance in half to try to get me to get serious about getting a “real life”. I told her I had lots of friends on Facebook and Myspace but, she said it was time I outgrew my Dungeons and Dragons stage of development and met some real people in the real world. I told her I watched Real World every week.
Well, I tried to enroll at the college but, all they had left was some culinary classes. I didn’t know what type of culinary class to take until I found one called Ginsu Knives for Ninja Warriors. That class sounded kind of cool but before it started I was told that the number of students was too great so I was cut from the enrollment.
Well, enough about my personal tragedy for I must now talk about the movies. Of course since my allowance has been cut in half I can’t go to the movies anymore so it is hard for me to comment on them. All I can do is comment on the trailers I see on TV. From the trailers all I can say is who are all those old guys playing heroes and why are they in better shape than I am?
Friday, August 6, 2010
HUMOR NEWS NUTS EDITOR ON THE RUN FOR LEAKING
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
I am afraid I must confirm that my brother Mike Eugene Colin is a fugitive being sought for publishing here on this blog details regarding our secret war with the moon monsters known as the Great Leap. It seems the war went very badly for our government. We even nuked the moon’s North Pole to try to destroy our adversary. You may recall the so called bombing of the moon to try to find water that our government carried out a while back. Shortly thereafter it was announced that Americans would be banned from ever returning to the moon because of the expense. In fact, aliens from outside our solar system intervened in the war and convinced us that we could still look at the moon but, we must never go back there or else…
There is now an international manhunt for my brother and I don’t know exactly where he is located. I know that he is staying with our cousin Bubba Boy who lives at 20127776661313 (this is a rural Michigan address), Monroe Rd. in Freeland Michigan. I am just not sure whether my brother is staying in an upstairs bedroom or if he has to sleep in the basement.
Now if I were asked to give advice to the Swat team that was going into my cousin’s house I would advise them to just take a blow torch and burn the whole thing down. It‘s over 100 years old and should go up like a match. It has 100 year old wiring so it is going to burn down anyway and this would give the government a way to deny burning up the suspect. Just blame the fire on bad wiring.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Gerrard
I was asked to write this column while Tim is being hunted down for being a traitor and letting out information about our secret war with the moon men. I knew Tim’s big mouth would get him in trouble one of these days. I knew when we published information about the war with the moon things there would be heck to pay. After all, this was the only blog site in the world that was covering that war. Even after we covered it, no one on the planet picked up on it. Of course no one on this planet reads this blog but, evidently we are widely read throughout the rest of the universe. When Washington got the call that a galaxy class star destroyer was on its way here to vaporize our planet then it did not take them long to go after our esteemed editor Mr. Tim Colin.
Well, I wish my boss Tim luck but, if he gets gunned down by international authorities in Moscow or some where else that’s cool, I really like his desk which I am sitting at right now. He had a pretty nice looking chair but I’ve gained a little weight this summer so the chair might need a little reassembly work.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim usually writes this column but, he might be riddled by bullet holes by the time this is published. It kind of serves him right because he doesn’t believe that my girlfriend is a vampire. He says she is just some crazy girl that likes to drink blood to impress her friends. He does not understand how much I miss her and hope that she comes back to Traverse City one of these days. I sometimes spend the day downtown watching college girls playing volleyball. This really helps to take my mind off of my girlfriend.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
My psychic powers have been completely screwed up lately. My abilities to communicate with the dead are really messed up. I tried to contact my aunt Maud and got my ex-husband Hot Rod Todd. Hot Rod liked his cars and women to be fast but, he did not like to find a job too fast so our relationship did not last.
Old Hot Rod is really hot these days since he ended up in a place where the sun don’t ever shine but, it’s a great place for a cook out if you like a little volcanic lava to wash down your brats made out of sulfur. O course his breath always smelled like sulfur anyway and all those breath mints he ate to cover up his breath gave him diabetes. He literally ate himself into the grave trying to keep his breath from stinking.
In addition to my abilities to contact the dead being messed up, my ability to predict the future is also giving me problems. A couple of days ago I made the prediction to various ladies in the trailer park that Oprah would be preempted and would be shown an hour later than normal. Boy did I get that one wrong. All the ladies in the park got really mad at me. So many of them started to doubt my psychic abilities that I had to run a two for one special on palm readings. If business gets much worse I might have o run a 10 for $10 special. Maybe I should print up some dollar-off coupons instead. After all, dollar-off coupons work for pizza joints. Who knows? Maybe with advertising I could franchise and roll out my psychic joints all across America.
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORT
By Gerrard
Nothing really to report on this summer. Hollywood is busy releasing a lot of chick flicks and teeny bopper love stories and not much in the way of guy movies. We want to see more movies like Star Trek or Aliens. I would not even mind seeing a good Western or a really violent mobster film. Where have all the good movies gone? Hopefully they’ve gone to the fall of 2010 and we won’t have to wait long for their release.
OUT OF DOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
I don’t have time for this column this month. The summer coed volleyball championship games are about to start down at the beach so, I AM OUT OF HERE!
SPECIAL NOTE FROM HOUSELAND SECURITY
FROM THE OFFICE OF BANICLE "BARNY" BILL HEAD OF HOUSELAND Ltd.
We are currently pursuing the editor of this so called news blog for his reckless disregard for this nations most highly sensitive secrets regarding our world actually being run by outer space aliens. If the news got out that we are ruled by off world monsters with nose hairs that can stangle you while your body is disolved by flesh eaying snot then, many earth people might think about revolting against our benevolent slave masters. They also have claws for genitalia but, I don't think we should go there unless we are into pain. A revolt could upset the whole order of things on this planet and since I report directly to the aliens I'm afraid my nine figure government salary would take a big cut.
I do not intend on taking a pay cut so if we have to we will shoot the editor of this publication before he has a chance to surrender. Currently, we have the best minds in the world gathering information which will tell us the whereabouts of this treasonous editor. So, if you have any information please send it to our office in Mumbai India. We outsourced our intelligence analitics department to a company in Mumbai. They are really cheap because they pay their best people just a few pennies a day to go over our most important and sensitive national secrets. I'm saving so much money that U. S. taxpayers might have to give me a ten figure income next year.
By Ted Colin
I am afraid I must confirm that my brother Mike Eugene Colin is a fugitive being sought for publishing here on this blog details regarding our secret war with the moon monsters known as the Great Leap. It seems the war went very badly for our government. We even nuked the moon’s North Pole to try to destroy our adversary. You may recall the so called bombing of the moon to try to find water that our government carried out a while back. Shortly thereafter it was announced that Americans would be banned from ever returning to the moon because of the expense. In fact, aliens from outside our solar system intervened in the war and convinced us that we could still look at the moon but, we must never go back there or else…
There is now an international manhunt for my brother and I don’t know exactly where he is located. I know that he is staying with our cousin Bubba Boy who lives at 20127776661313 (this is a rural Michigan address), Monroe Rd. in Freeland Michigan. I am just not sure whether my brother is staying in an upstairs bedroom or if he has to sleep in the basement.
Now if I were asked to give advice to the Swat team that was going into my cousin’s house I would advise them to just take a blow torch and burn the whole thing down. It‘s over 100 years old and should go up like a match. It has 100 year old wiring so it is going to burn down anyway and this would give the government a way to deny burning up the suspect. Just blame the fire on bad wiring.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Gerrard
I was asked to write this column while Tim is being hunted down for being a traitor and letting out information about our secret war with the moon men. I knew Tim’s big mouth would get him in trouble one of these days. I knew when we published information about the war with the moon things there would be heck to pay. After all, this was the only blog site in the world that was covering that war. Even after we covered it, no one on the planet picked up on it. Of course no one on this planet reads this blog but, evidently we are widely read throughout the rest of the universe. When Washington got the call that a galaxy class star destroyer was on its way here to vaporize our planet then it did not take them long to go after our esteemed editor Mr. Tim Colin.
Well, I wish my boss Tim luck but, if he gets gunned down by international authorities in Moscow or some where else that’s cool, I really like his desk which I am sitting at right now. He had a pretty nice looking chair but I’ve gained a little weight this summer so the chair might need a little reassembly work.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim usually writes this column but, he might be riddled by bullet holes by the time this is published. It kind of serves him right because he doesn’t believe that my girlfriend is a vampire. He says she is just some crazy girl that likes to drink blood to impress her friends. He does not understand how much I miss her and hope that she comes back to Traverse City one of these days. I sometimes spend the day downtown watching college girls playing volleyball. This really helps to take my mind off of my girlfriend.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
My psychic powers have been completely screwed up lately. My abilities to communicate with the dead are really messed up. I tried to contact my aunt Maud and got my ex-husband Hot Rod Todd. Hot Rod liked his cars and women to be fast but, he did not like to find a job too fast so our relationship did not last.
Old Hot Rod is really hot these days since he ended up in a place where the sun don’t ever shine but, it’s a great place for a cook out if you like a little volcanic lava to wash down your brats made out of sulfur. O course his breath always smelled like sulfur anyway and all those breath mints he ate to cover up his breath gave him diabetes. He literally ate himself into the grave trying to keep his breath from stinking.
In addition to my abilities to contact the dead being messed up, my ability to predict the future is also giving me problems. A couple of days ago I made the prediction to various ladies in the trailer park that Oprah would be preempted and would be shown an hour later than normal. Boy did I get that one wrong. All the ladies in the park got really mad at me. So many of them started to doubt my psychic abilities that I had to run a two for one special on palm readings. If business gets much worse I might have o run a 10 for $10 special. Maybe I should print up some dollar-off coupons instead. After all, dollar-off coupons work for pizza joints. Who knows? Maybe with advertising I could franchise and roll out my psychic joints all across America.
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORT
By Gerrard
Nothing really to report on this summer. Hollywood is busy releasing a lot of chick flicks and teeny bopper love stories and not much in the way of guy movies. We want to see more movies like Star Trek or Aliens. I would not even mind seeing a good Western or a really violent mobster film. Where have all the good movies gone? Hopefully they’ve gone to the fall of 2010 and we won’t have to wait long for their release.
OUT OF DOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
I don’t have time for this column this month. The summer coed volleyball championship games are about to start down at the beach so, I AM OUT OF HERE!
SPECIAL NOTE FROM HOUSELAND SECURITY
FROM THE OFFICE OF BANICLE "BARNY" BILL HEAD OF HOUSELAND Ltd.
We are currently pursuing the editor of this so called news blog for his reckless disregard for this nations most highly sensitive secrets regarding our world actually being run by outer space aliens. If the news got out that we are ruled by off world monsters with nose hairs that can stangle you while your body is disolved by flesh eaying snot then, many earth people might think about revolting against our benevolent slave masters. They also have claws for genitalia but, I don't think we should go there unless we are into pain. A revolt could upset the whole order of things on this planet and since I report directly to the aliens I'm afraid my nine figure government salary would take a big cut.
I do not intend on taking a pay cut so if we have to we will shoot the editor of this publication before he has a chance to surrender. Currently, we have the best minds in the world gathering information which will tell us the whereabouts of this treasonous editor. So, if you have any information please send it to our office in Mumbai India. We outsourced our intelligence analitics department to a company in Mumbai. They are really cheap because they pay their best people just a few pennies a day to go over our most important and sensitive national secrets. I'm saving so much money that U. S. taxpayers might have to give me a ten figure income next year.
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