IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
It seems that the nation’s media has once again turned its attention to the Michigan Militia movement. Unfortunately, a more important civil liberties group in Michigan constantly gets the shaft when it comes to coverage by the press. I am of course referring to the Michigan Naked Log Rolling Society. Naked log roller people feel that it is their constitutional right to jump on any log they see and try to roll it while naked.
Naked log rolling has been a tradition in Michigan ever since some fort was attacked by French and Native American warriors in the wee hours of the morning back in the 1740's . The British soldiers did not have time to dress as they fled out of their fort and ran across a river full of logs. The fort was burned but, all the naked British soldiers escaped
So, if you wish to show true patriotism, the next time you see a naked person trying to roll a log just toot your horn in support as you drive by. The more exposure the log rollers get the more chance there is for a constitutional amendment allowing the rolling of logs by naked people in Michigan. As a bonus it might be good for Michigan’s economy because a lot of people from Canada will come down just to see the naked log rollers. After all, no one in Canada has ever seen anyone naked before.
By Tim Colin
The stock market is up about 4% this year. Overall, the local economy seems to be getting better. In the part of town that I live in we have a Pizza based economy. Almost every business sells both slices of pizza to walk-in customers and take-out pizza pies to people who order online (or via the telephone if you’re over 60). It doesn’t matter if your main business is a restaurant or toe nail fungus removal; you most likely have some kid out back slopping some kind of pizza together. The barbershop on this block had a slight problem with the health department but, that has been cleared up. After all, hair removal is what a barber shop does best whether it is off someone’s head or off a pizza.
Although the pizza business appears to be booming in my corner of town, we do seem to have a real burgeoning problem with inflation. There have been some demonstrations in this area over the last several weeks. The demonstrators believe that there are just too many pizza coupons being created and that someday their children will have to make up the difference of the coupons face amount. A Harvard professor of economics has commented that if something is not done soon about the amount of coupons circulating around East Bay Traverse City then, we will see the greatest economic collapses since “Lavern and Shirley” were cancelled. Personally, I have two comments regarding the Harvard professor’s dire prediction: First, who the heck are “Lavern and Shirley”? Secondly, I don’t care what happens in the future as long as I get a good deal today by using my pizza coupons.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Put, Put Gulf season is upon us and many courses have already opened for the long weekend. The Pirate Pete course has some new twists and turns in it so bring some extra cash. It is going to take you a while to master all the nuances of this course. (Hint: Sometimes the windmill will suddenly reverse itself and go counterclockwise. This will shake up even the most seasoned champion.)
This warm weather is really driving the steel-head up the rivers and many people have been limiting out on bluegills. Those of you who still have ice shanties out on the lakes are going to have to rent some scuba gear to retrieve them. Hopefully, none of you left grandpa fishing out there in your ice shanty when the ice went out. My grandma still won’t speak to my dad although; grandpa did go down doing what he liked best: drinking beer and sleeping.
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I predict that the hot spell is going to continue here in Northern Michigan right up until fall. It’s only April and most of the Easter Bunnies I’m seeing around here have mange. My friend Sarah says it is so dry that her well has dried up. I don’t really believe her. She has a shallow well and about 50 cats running around her place and at least one of them is constantly replenishing her ground water. Maybe if she kept more of them outside they’d replenish the water in the ground instead of on her love seat cushions. Her love seat was white when she bought it brand new. Now it is a really dark shade of yellow. I think that’s because she gives her cat’s coffee to drink.
It’s so hot out that my two twin sisters, Christie and Twisty, decided they would drive up here and maybe go to the beach. The problem is that Christie has one of those foreign cars that do not have brakes so you can’t slow down until you run out of gas. Of course they could not slow down enough on I-75 to make the turnoff to come here and proceeded all the way up north until they finally ran out of gas in Canada. I can’t figure out how they managed to pay the fees at the toll bridges without at least slowing down. Anyway, they can’t get back into this country because they don’t have passports. Worse yet, the Canadian government wants to deport them to Jordan because they are in Canada illegally. I guess I’ll bake them some cookies and send them a care package in Jordan. On the bright side, maybe one of my sisters will meet a rich oil man in the Middle East. Then, at least someone in my family will have some money. Maybe they’ll be able to afford a car that has brakes.