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Friday, May 21, 2010

PAY AIG EXECUTIVES THE WAY THEY ARE PAID HERE

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

It seems this week all the news shows and blogs have been a buzz about AIG executives receiving huge bonuses after running the company into the ground. Much time was spent on Capital Hill debating how to get the money back. In fact, the bonuses should be paid to the executives the same way “Humor News Nuts” pays its employees, in $5.00 off pizza coupons. Across the street at “Little Papa, Biga Mama Pizzeria”, they have piles of flyers with coupons in them just sitting there inside the door. I spent all one afternoon cutting out the $5.00 off coupons so we could make payroll this week. Afterwards, I had enough left over to pay the light bill. Some people said our money will become worthless because the Federal Reserve keeps printing dollar bills so, maybe coupons will replace dollars as the new currency. I intend to get some more pizza coupons and pay the bill to our insurance company which, happens to be AIG.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY

ROCKET GOES UP, ROCKET GOES DOWN
NASA has reported that a zillion dollar satellite that was to measure carbon dioxide levels in the Earths atmosphere, didn't quite make it. Instead, it burned up in a fiery ball. When NASA was asked to explain what happened in terms most members of Congress could understand NASA responded, "the shinny thing fell down".

The Obama administration has decided to continue to fund President Bush's trek back to the moon. A new, simple low cost method will be used to get man back to the moon by 2020. The treasury is going to pile up all of its soon to be near worthless thousand dollar bills. A similar strategy to put humans on Mars is being discussed by top minds in the government. One NASA scientist put it this way, "the physics of inflation infinitely beats E=MC squared".

Friday, May 14, 2010

EDITORIAL



By Tim Colin
The Men in Dark Suits (MIDS) raided our offices on Friday  and effectively shut us down. They said they were from the zoning board but, we know the truth. It seems we have been getting too close to the truth about our governments cover up of alien encounters. Our government and its masters in outer space, deem the Humor News Nuts organization to be enemy number one. They seek to silence our point of view so that space aliens can continue to wipe out our culture, our capitalist way of life and finally, our species.

Although things look very dim for humanity, we at our great and historic publication will not go down without a fight. Since January 2009, Humor News Nuts has been exposing all sorts of government cover-up shenanigans Most of the stories we cover you will not find anywhere else in print or online. FOX, CNN, CSPAN etc., all refuse to air anything we have to say about the outer space conspiracies and the evil Men in Dark Suits who wickedly trespass across our constitutional rights.

We of course cannot fight this fight alone. We are dependent upon our readers to join in combat against the space aliens and their Men in Dark Suits stooges. The first thing everyone needs to do is to buy aluminum foil and construct a helmet. Wear this helmet everywhere you go It will keep your mind free of government brain washing and it will send a chilling message to the space aliens that we humans have not all surrendered to their will. Wearing aluminum foil hats begins today, the 9th of November. Future generations of freedom lovers will one day say “Remember, Remember the 9th of November, the aluminum foil treason and plot.”

Note: In full disclosure, I’ve been buying up stock in Indian aluminum foil companies all week in anticipation of this editorial. No wonder people who write for Wall Street publications are all so rich. Buying up stock in something and then recommending it in a publication seems like a great way to get really rich. Who says everyone on Wall Street is a crook? It would be really nice if the companies you recommend also kicked in a trip to the Bahamas or some other nice place.
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