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Friday, June 11, 2010

IS 666 WALL STREETS LUCKY NUMBER ?

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

This week the American and Chinese Navy’s faced off against each other in international waters. It seems the American research vessel was getting a little too close to secret submarine maneuvers in the South China Sea. The Chinese boats came close to the American Ship and the Chinese sailors gave the Americans a vertical pants down smile. The Americans responded by whipping out their water cannons and blasting the Chinese junk. The U.S. sailors were crack shots so the Chinese quickly retreated. This incident is still under investigation.

Mr. Al Sadist, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush when the President visited Iraq last year, was sentenced to spend the next three years in prison. One year for each shoe and one year for having naked feet in public. Mr. Al Sadist told the judge that he was not trying to hit the president but instead, was trying to swat a deadly tsetse fly that was coming perilously close to the head of President Bush. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

In other news, jobless claims continued to climb this week as more and more people were laid off and could not find work. Here at “Humor News Nuts”, an announced hiring of two more people brought in over 400 job applicants. This seems strange since we don’t even pay anything. Our current staff doesn’t even know this yet and since they never read their own publication, they may never know. Each payday we simply tell them they won’t be getting a paycheck because their checks were garnished to pay parking tickets. Only two of the seven people here drive cars but, so far they haven’t caught on.


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BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Last year the S&P 500 hit 666 as a low and then went up over 705 points rising nearly 30 points on Thursday alone. Wednesday was the first full moon of spring according to one group of ancient Druids (the homeless ones living in the state park). To these padres of the past, the full moon also signifies the beginning of the festival of Sam Haim, the god of the underworld. Of course there may not have been any rally according to the web site wallstreetwarlocksareus, had there not been a human sacrifice made to the god of megabucks. So, the warlocks of Wall Street nominated an alleged “honesty virgin” named Bernie Madoff. “Honesty virgins” are very common on Wall Street so to win the reward of being sacrificed, someone has to be selected who will really spin a great yarn and keeps it going for decades. The winner of this contest will receive an eternal membership at Club Hades which includes full usage of the lava rock hot tubs. The winner will also receive discounts at the most sheik restaurants in hell such as The Hannibal Cannibal Cave Inn, The Jeffrey Dalhmer All Meat Pizza Palace and, The Donner Party Kidney and Liver Bistro.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Collin
The Detroit Red Wings lost 6-5 against the Calgary Flames. The Wings are still number one in the Central Division with 44 wins followed by Cleveland with 32 wins. The Detroit Pistons are still in the number 2 position in their division with 32 wins behind Chicago with 51 wins.

Local area hunters have reported that their take from the annual spring road kill hunt is way up this year. Several trophy deer have been found thawing out of the snow banks and a record number of skunk (pole cat) hides and porky pine quills will keep the wives busy sewing up some summer swim wear. Skunk fur bikinis will be the rage on Michigan beaches this summer.

This week I asked a local road kill hunter what it took to be a champion in his sport. He replied “All you need is a shovel, a pair of plastic gloves and a plastic sack for the solids and a bucket for the stuff that’s gone soft. The solids are good for selling to those rich tourists that want to taste the local cuisine or wear the fancy duds,” he said, “but, the liquids are good for stewing and I am not sharing them. Liquids are rare ‘because the crows and bugs get most of it before I come across the dearly departed critters”.

HEALTH CARE NEWS
By Deek Williams
Yesterday a patron of the bar dropped dead during dinner hour. First I thought it was the beef brisket we’re serving this week in honor of St. Paddy’s Day. There were two others who got sick that day and barfed up in and beside the toilet. But, they said they got sick on the dyed green beer we were serving. Trouble is, we didn’t dye any beer green so I think they drank some window cleaner I was using to clean the mirror behind the bar.

As far as the fellow who dropped dead, he didn’t really drop dead dead, he was just dead drunk. Seems he had been experimenting at the bar across the road with green Jell-O shooters followed by a glass of Irish Whisky for a chaser. I know there must be a lot of guts and stuff that are going to feel pretty rough when you abuse yourself this way. Not to mention, it really messes up your head for a while. This fellow also missed out on both the darts and euchre tournaments followed by karaoke songs from the seventies.


SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Tim Collin
The crew of the international space station was forced to abandon ship and move into a small space module for several hours yesterday. The cover story was that a bullet sized piece of metal was hurdling toward the stations hull and might rip through it and cause the inhabited satellite to depressurize. However, according to our experts, the crew was actually removed from the space station and probed by beings from the “Ruptured Cist” nebula. These creatures call themselves Ka-Bobs and want to examine the ganglia of other beings to see if said ganglia could be used to fill in their ruptured cist. They are on a do or die mission and that makes them both ruthless and desperate. Evidently, the crew was returned or at least replicates of the crew were returned early in the morning to the space station. Again, aliens are here and are dangerous. Now we must protect our very ganglia from the Ruptured Cist Ka-Bobs.



PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty
I predict that I’m either going to get paid or I’m going to quit pretty soon. Every payday they tell me that I’m not getting a paycheck because “I got my entire check garnished for parking tickets,” First of all, I live two doors down and don’t ever drive my car so how am I supposed to get these tickets?

The recent fight between funny man Jon Stewart and stock guru Jim Kramer will end soon. I’m going to predict that stock guru Jim Kramer will depart from his show “Mad Money” and star in a comedy movie based on the old sit-com “Mad About You,” with "The Queen Of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli as his co-star.

Jon Stewart will leave his job as the host of “The Daily Show,” and join Larry the Cable Guy and the ghost of the late Rev.Jerry Fallwell on a revivalist crusade through the Deep South. The country trailer park tours will last 6-10 weeks depending on whether the tornados get to the trailer parks ahead of them this summer. Tornados turn trailer parks into parks and trails; trails of cars, tin cans and beer bottles.

CELBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT
By Mike Collin
Hollywood will soon turn out a new Star Trek motion picture based upon the original TV series. The new/old Star Trek will have a cameo appearance by William Shatner. The former Captain of Romance will play a large yellow moon with wig on its North Pole. Other members of the old cast will play stars that are whisked by at light speed so no one ever pays attention to them.

Battlestar Galatica is in its final season with just a couple of more episodes left in the series. Right now I’ll be glad when it ends. They already found earth and it was in ruins with just a bunch of dead silons on it. Were the dead silons us, the thirteenth tribe? I don’t understand. Also, now there are silons, humans, hybrids, skin jobs, what’s next? I am so confused. All the love triangles and hate triangles make this look like some sort of girlie soap opera instead of a manly action adventure show. The show really lost me when they executed the evil Vice President who was always trying to take over and become dictator of the fleet. I was hoping he’d take over and move the show in a new direction. Back in the old series when Loren Greene was Commander Odama you knew where you stood. Silons always had to be destroyed and Dr. Baltar was always evil. That ‘70s show was cool.

Friday, June 4, 2010

THE WORLD ECONOMY HAS COLLASPED OR THE ROAD KILL RODEO

IN THE NEWS NEWS
THE WORLD ECONOMY HAS COLLASPED
By Ted Colin
It has finally happened. Stocks and bonds are worthless and all the major currencies of the world are not worth the cost of the expensive colored ink they are printed with. Can you imagine how much it must cost to print a $20.00 bill with all the fancy colors? I had an uncle who tried to find out how many $20.00 bills he could print off on his HP copier. Even using both sides of the paper it was like $30.00 just to print off about 200 bills. My uncle decided to play a prank on the local gas stations to see if they could tell if his bills were real or fake. Unfortunately, an off duty state trooper was behind my uncle at the very first gas station he visited.

My mom still sends my uncle cookies on the holidays but, I say why bother? If he keeps his nose clean he’ll be out in 2015. I never liked him anyway because he always smacked me on the ear. The lesson to be learned from my uncle’s story is that if you want the kids in your family not to hate you then you should not go around smacking them on the ear.

Some economists have been saying that the problems in the world economy started in a country called Greece. I never new such a country existed. I looked on a map and guess what? Greece is right next to a country called Turkey. I’m sure those two countries must get together every year and have a heck of a Thanksgiving Day party. They probably get so wasted that they think the Lions are a champion team. I’ve been there many times myself.

Seriously, who ever heard of a nation called Greece? Someone at the office pointed out to me that Greece was once the home of the ancient Spartans. Then, I remembered the movie “The 300”. That was an awesome movie. You see if I were an uneducated man I would have thought my colleague here at the office was talking about the Spartans at Michigan State University. I am not an ignorant person. I know that the Spartans were the heroic soldiers that fought during World War I against some emperor named Napoleon.

I worked really hard to get my C+ in world history at the community college. At the time I thought I got a really good grade because the tests were all multiple guess (choice). But, I guess I retained quite a few facts after all.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
I just got back from the first ever road kill rodeo. It is exclusively held here in Northern Michigan and boy is it great fun for singles like me or for people who have families. It doesn’t matter if you are five years old and full of vinegar or eighty five years old and on an oxygen tank, you can find something fun to do at the road kill rodeo. Of course those people with oxygen tanks should stand a ways back from the barbeques.

The food is great and Mrs. Maggie Vitals won the Macramé Chefs Award for her road kill Michigan chicken in fondue sauce There was some questions brought up as to whether Mrs. Vitals found her Michigan chicken along the road or if she found it floating out on the bay. The rules for the Macramé Award are quite specific in that any deceased flesh must be taken strictly from along the roadside and not from bodies of water or alongside bodies of water such as beaches or riverbanks. Most deceased Michigan chickens (also known as seagulls) are usually found near bodies of water or near restaurant dumpsters. In the end, the judges believed Maggie especially since her fondue sauce made the Michigan Chicken (seagull) taste like a Road Island Red. Maggie was happy to take home the top prize of $3.33. The runner-up received $1.00 and the third prize was 67 cents. There was a total of $5.00 in the kitty. There would have been more but, the sponsor of the rodeo, Mr. Jerrod of Jerrod’s Junk-O-Roma, had the sale of his kidney fall through because of his excessive drinking. With the failure of his kidney deal his whole business was now in jeopardy of being confiscated by the bank.

There were several recipes for road kill possum, raccoon, deer and, squirrel but, the judges picked more exotic dishes. The runner up was MS Denise Roadscrape for her rattlesnake pecan turnovers and, the third prize winner was Mrs. Fowler’s Peking Crow. There was some protest over the crow dish since Mrs. Vitals swore that the dressed out crow looked a lot like her missing little Chihuahua named Russell.

Besides great food there were rides, games and, various venders at the rodeo. The only thing is that there was never any rodeo. It seems that chasseing down dead animals is not much of a challenge. Maybe next year this little detail can be ironed out. Of course whether or not there is a rodeo next year comes down to whether or not Mr. Jerrod can find some organ to sell that has not been affected by thirty years of hammering down 40 oz malt liquors.

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
I have been communing with the ancient race of people living under the ocean. I believe they call themselves “Atlantians” They live in a big domed city not far from New Orleans. Up until a few years ago they lived in caves just outside of Wichita KS but, they wanted a better night life so they relocated. Not long after the Atlantians set up their new city, hurricane Katrina hit. Now they can’t see out their big glass dome because it is covered with oil. With all their superior intelligence and technology the Atlantians still don’t have an easy way to do windows.

I’ve been told via a mind meld I had with an Atlantian Realtor I met in a bar last night that, the value of real estate has plummeted in Atlantis. He told me that I could pick up a condo real cheap. Of course if I had any money I would jump on the opportunity to own a condo in a glass house under the sea. I’d be like a psychic Sponge Bob. That is if Sponge Bob is a girl and I think the jury is still out on that one.

My real goal has always been to move to Miami when I quit work and retire. Miami is where all the old rich people go to wait for the grim reaper to appear. We don’t have a grim reaper in Michigan. We just have the Grim Repot Guy. The Grim Repo Guy is far worse than the Grim Reaper. He first takes all your possessions away and the shock of loosing everything kills you.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
It seems that all the TV and movies today are using avatars in their storylines. Of course people love TV and movies even if there are not any avatars in them. The reason people like movies and TV so much is that things usually work out better in a fantasy world then in reality. I know I wish I had an avatar I could move into for a while. Avatars seem to always get all the girls. In reality, except for my mom and my aunts, no girl will even speak to me. Yesterday, there was a female policewoman out in front of this office building. I went outside to try to get her to notice me but, she didn’t. I even went and bought some cigarettes (I usually don’t smoke those cancer sticks) and lit one up in a non-smoking area not 20 feet from where she was standing. She still would not acknowledge me even with a warning to put out my cancer stick. She just turned and walked away. That was so depressing that I lit up another cigarette. When I turned around there was this big burley cop standing there holding out a ticket for me to take. “Don’t you know you can’t smoke here,” he barked at me.
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