IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well it is almost official. Nearly every state in the union is working to pass some sort of law to test future presidential candidates to see if they are really human or, if they are some sort of alien avatar that is seeking to suck out our brain cells and replace them with seed pods. It is of course too late to do anything about people in congress. Most of them had some kind of acid reflux disease in college which rendered them incapable of holding down a real job. Many people believe that it is impossible to get the attention of our congress. I disagree. Just shine some headlights at them and they will stand there and stare into the lights for hours.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
I hate it when Ted gets all political in his columns. Then, I have to read more e-mail complaints then we even have readers. So, for all you people out there who enjoy staring into headlights for hours, I most humbly apologize.
It seems that the stock market is not doing well because some countries over in Europe are about ready to go all 1970’s South America and declare bankruptcy. I guess things are so bad that the U.S. sent past Columbian dictator Manuel Noriega over to France to straighten things out for the Europeans. “Firing Squads VS the guillotine” should be a pretty good show for some histories greatest warriors cable show. Noriega and his firing squads and the French and their guillotine might sound good when you read it on the TV channel but, I think I’d put my money on the firing squad.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
The greatest outdoorsman I have ever known has died in a tragic underground explosion. I am of course talking about my Great Uncle Oslo. Uncle Oslo was a hunting and fishing maverick. He invented new ways to hunt and fish faster than the government could pass laws to ban them. Thanks to Uncle Oslo you can no longer hunt geese using lawn jarts or, use horse shoes to hunt chickadees. His electric chair for the snow shoe hair was once featured in “The Alternative Hunter Magazine.” He was also on 60 Minutes before he went to jail for helping his friend, Dr. Kevorkian.
The local police believe that Oslo was blown up by a still he kept hidden in an old bear cave. My aunt told me that in fact, Uncle Oslo was getting ready to go fishing and was busy making up some home made dynamite when the explosion occurred. My dad said Uncle Oslo would be alive today if he had only stuck to the old family recipe for making dynamite instead of downloading one off the internet.
There is some good to come out of the tragic death of my uncle. It seems that Uncle Oslo never told anyone as to whether he wanted his remains cremated or buried after he died. Well, since his body was instantly vaporized in the blast and then the ashes were buried when the bear cave caved in, one way or the other my uncle’s final wishes have been carried out.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
Well, I think next month is going to be hot. Talk about hot; I just got back from those desert states down south and out west. After a few days in that heat my turkey timer popped up and I was done. I also lost my life savings in Los Vegas. It will probably be another seven years until I can squirrel away another $100.00.
I was also the victim of the new racial profiling law in Arizona. I was not profiled because of my skin color. I’m so pasty white that the local funeral home calls me three times each week to see if they can drop by and pick up the corpse I have at my trailer. At first I thought it was the neighbor kids’ crank calling me again but, when I hit display on my phone and called the number back sure enough, it was the funeral home that had called me.
Anyway, I was targeted in Arizona by a hotel detective because of the clothing I had on. It seems that people in that state don’t like people who wear University of Michigan T-shirts at hotel lounges. Besides harassing me about my tee, this hotel cop accused me of stealing towels and toiletries out of my room and even off the cart of one of the cleaning ladies. Well, I agreed to return the towels and split half the toiletries with the cop. The toiletries are fruity smelling and are really too low class for this lady anyway. Of course after returning the towels I’m going to have to find mom another gift for her birthday.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
The movie Avatar was released on DVD. I guess the movie is really good but, I can’t watch it. Every time I watch a 3D movie I get a nose bleed. It seems the 3D effect makes me so sick to my stomach that I always throw up. Of course, the person I throw up on gets really mad and pops me and that’s when my nose starts to bleed. I’m afraid that Avatar has so much 3D effects in it that I’d most likely need a blood transfusion by the end of the movie. I’m just going to have to wait until Disney makes Avatar into a cartoon musical before I can see it. I do like Sigourney Weaver though so, I’d like to try and chance it and go see the movie anyway. Then, I start to remember how I hate to waste food, especially all that buttery popcorn. But, I just can’t bring myself around to eating popcorn that looks like someone sprayed strawberry jelly all over it.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
THE LEAKERS ON CAPITAL HILL
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
It has been reported that we have a government full of leakers. I confirmed that we have a lot of leakers in Congress by talking to a custodian at the Capital. Over the phone he told me that the custodial staff was constantly mopping and wiping up the messes that the congressmen leave behind. It seems that many of the elderly law makers have problems getting their diapers changed before they have s seepage problem. Of course the custodian I talked to said that the elderly legislatures have far fewer problems than the younger ones. It seems the younger ones often have drinking problems and get confused as to whether they are at their favorite bar/ brothel or trying to hit the shrubs under their hotel window. The custodial worker ended the conversation by saying that cleaning up after the leakers is hard on the capital staff but, it was still better than the poor guy that has to shine their shoes.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
My pay toilets in the woods business has gone bust. It seems I did not understand that people have no problem relieving themselves in our great outdoors for free. All I can say is that if you go into a woods that has no pay toilets that you had better watch your step.
It is now illegal in many states to sell coffee mixed with beer in stores. It seems coffee and beer mixed makes some people very sick. I guess that’s why people throw up when you give them coffee to sober them up. I do wonder how people drink Irish Coffee. Maybe whiskey is more calming to the stomach than beer. Maybe the states just need to raise the requirement of the alcohol content of the coffee/beer drink and that would make people feel better.
OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This is a great time of the year to set snares. I’ve been setting snares since I was five years old. I’ve never snared anything but, this year is going to be different. In the past I’ve always set snares for small animals like squirrels and my brother’s guinea pig. I decided maybe a larger beast might be easier to snare. So, I decided to go over to my Cousin Lester’s house. My cousin can’t find a job and still lives with his parents on a farm. Lester is only 12 years old but he already has a pet buffalo named Sandy. The buffalo stays mostly in a coral next to the chicken coup.
I decided to try snaring Sandy with some hard to see mono-filament 10 lb. test fish line. I set out a snare and by gosh sandy was snared for a couple of seconds. Sandy easily broke the line but, I had confidence that I could now snare an animal. I next got some laundry line cord and set a snare. I tied cord to the chicken coup support and set the snare down directly in front of Sandy. Sandy walked right into the trap and sure enough she was snared. Unfortunately Sandy did not stop walking when the line was tight and Sandy ended up pulling loose the chicken coup support and down went the chicken coup with chickens and hay flying all over the place. My aunt and uncle did not ask me to stay for supper that day. In fact, they didn’t say anything to me at all. They acted like they were real mad about something.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
The Twicks and Tweed Trout Ice Trip Triple Triumph is an ice fishing festival held each year on Nicky Lake. It is sponsored by Twicks and Tweed Tracking and Tackle Inc. It is held starting at midnight on the last weekend in November and this last weekend I had a great time there.
I showed up at just about midnight last Friday night and watched as about 300 anglers and snowmobilers started to make their way out onto the lake. At first glance I thought that the lake was still open with no ice at all on it. An old timer told me that there was open water but just a few inches below the water’s surface ice had formed. I didn’t want to get my feet wet so I just hung back as the rest of the people started to move off shore. Soon, I noticed that everyone that went out on the lake was swimming and struggling to get back to shore. It occurred to me that maybe that ice was a lot further down below the water’s surface than what the old timer had thought.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
No, I am not related to the big shot lady over there in Germany. My family came from Kalamazoo Michigan. As far as I know my family always lived in Kalamazoo. My ancestors were going to Kalamazoo high school long before Einstein ever invented Germany.
Even though I am a Kalamazoovian and not a German, I do like to go to the festivals in Hankermuth every year. They always have a lot of polka bands so it’s a great time to literally kick up your heels. They have great food in Hankermuth too. I also like the Polish festival they have each year way up in Raydar Michigan. I have a great time there too. One of my former husbands I found there at the Polish festival. Unfortunately, I found him with another woman.
The stock market should go up a little bit next month. If gold keeps going up I’m going to be pulling my back teeth out. After all, its better I get the money than some undertaker. I found out about undertakers stealing teeth from a lot of upset spirits that have been visiting my dreams lately to tell me about their stolen teeth. Evidently, gold teeth are like a get out of hell free card after you die. According to my sources heaven really needs money. Heavens been running deficit budgets for years and they need the gold to pay off their debt to the Chinese. They just don’t make anything in heaven anymore. Even the production of their harps and fancy gowns are outsourced to a company in Indonesia. To top it all off Heaven bought several quadrillion dollars of Mortgage Backed Securities from the U.S. Treasury.
I hate it when dead accountants show up in my dreams and burden my brain with all that financial stuff. I have trouble figuring out how to pay the lot rent where my trailer sits let alone being worried about the fancy finance of rich people, living or dead.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
‘Ts the season,” for lots of movies. I just wish they’d let me bring my own pop and pop corn to the cinema. I could watch two movies for the price of the dog gone pop and pop corn. One thing I do like about theatre popcorn is the extra butter option. Butter is one of those things you just can’t get enough of in life. A lot of times that hot butter poured over the popcorn are the only reason to finish watching some of those really crummy movies. All those romance movies have the women all crying into their hankies while the guys are stuffing their face with popcorn and every guy is just wishing the movie would end. Popcorn is a guy’s comfort food when the movie is making him feel really uncomfortable.
The new “Tron” movie is really good but, it kind of brings back some bad memories from my childhood. You see my father was absorbed into the Internet and has never returned. My mom told me the story of how my dad disappeared back when I was still in grade school.
The story begins with Al Gore and his invention of the Internet. At that time Al Gore was just a Senator so he had lot’s extra time to spend as a mad scientist working in the field of astrophysics. Al Gore was the person given credit by historians as the person who created the Internet but, it was really my father who made the ultimate sacrifice so that billions of people could communicate and be entertained with just the click of a button.
Before my father made his sacrifice communication via a very crude Internet connection was difficult and nasty. Al Gore used his vast knowledge of the space/time continuum along with his psychic abilities to predict weather patterns to construct a parallel universe to this one. This parallel universe is still used for the transmission and reception of all signals over the Internet. Fiber optic cable and other transmission lines are really just a rouse perpetrated by the government and technology companies so that people make payments to be hooked up to the Internet when in fact every cable guy knows that the Internet is not a system of cables and routers but is in fact a separate universe from our own to which any computer can be connected without any type of signal enhancer or cable. In order to connect to this other universe and hence the Internet all the cable guy does is press down “Alt” on the keyboard and triple click the mouse at the same time.
Al Gore found that in order to setup the Internet he needed to have a hook-up done in the alternate universe. My father at the time was a TV repairman and he really bought into the idea of an Internet that could stream football games anywhere anytime. When a note was put up in the break room where my dad worked asking for a volunteer to travel into an alternate universe and hook up the Internet my dad did not hesitate to volunteer. He was the only volunteer so he was chosen to go.
I almost remember the day he said goodbye. My mom told me that whatever happened that he would always be out there. My mom was later told by a government guy that my dad disappeared into the Internet but, never came back. It seems that my dad was tuned into trillions of photons and sent into the alternate universe to make the hook-up to this one. It was estimated that after one hour my dad should have the job done. At that time the “Alt” key was to be held down and the mouse was supposed to be clicked three times. Well, everything went as planned. My dad vanished into the Internet and after an hour a computer geek was ready to extract my father from the alternate universe. The geek pressed down the “Alt” key but, because he had been drinking coffee lattés all day the geek was jittery and did about fifty clicks instead of three. Well, my dad was gone and no one was able to find him again. They told my mom that my dad most likely disappeared into the trillions of bits of information sent over the great Internet.
I still think my dad might come back. Sometimes I go down into the basement and do an “Alt” triple click on my keyboard. I just wish I could afford to hook up to the internet.
By Tim Colin
It has been reported that we have a government full of leakers. I confirmed that we have a lot of leakers in Congress by talking to a custodian at the Capital. Over the phone he told me that the custodial staff was constantly mopping and wiping up the messes that the congressmen leave behind. It seems that many of the elderly law makers have problems getting their diapers changed before they have s seepage problem. Of course the custodian I talked to said that the elderly legislatures have far fewer problems than the younger ones. It seems the younger ones often have drinking problems and get confused as to whether they are at their favorite bar/ brothel or trying to hit the shrubs under their hotel window. The custodial worker ended the conversation by saying that cleaning up after the leakers is hard on the capital staff but, it was still better than the poor guy that has to shine their shoes.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
My pay toilets in the woods business has gone bust. It seems I did not understand that people have no problem relieving themselves in our great outdoors for free. All I can say is that if you go into a woods that has no pay toilets that you had better watch your step.
It is now illegal in many states to sell coffee mixed with beer in stores. It seems coffee and beer mixed makes some people very sick. I guess that’s why people throw up when you give them coffee to sober them up. I do wonder how people drink Irish Coffee. Maybe whiskey is more calming to the stomach than beer. Maybe the states just need to raise the requirement of the alcohol content of the coffee/beer drink and that would make people feel better.
OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This is a great time of the year to set snares. I’ve been setting snares since I was five years old. I’ve never snared anything but, this year is going to be different. In the past I’ve always set snares for small animals like squirrels and my brother’s guinea pig. I decided maybe a larger beast might be easier to snare. So, I decided to go over to my Cousin Lester’s house. My cousin can’t find a job and still lives with his parents on a farm. Lester is only 12 years old but he already has a pet buffalo named Sandy. The buffalo stays mostly in a coral next to the chicken coup.
I decided to try snaring Sandy with some hard to see mono-filament 10 lb. test fish line. I set out a snare and by gosh sandy was snared for a couple of seconds. Sandy easily broke the line but, I had confidence that I could now snare an animal. I next got some laundry line cord and set a snare. I tied cord to the chicken coup support and set the snare down directly in front of Sandy. Sandy walked right into the trap and sure enough she was snared. Unfortunately Sandy did not stop walking when the line was tight and Sandy ended up pulling loose the chicken coup support and down went the chicken coup with chickens and hay flying all over the place. My aunt and uncle did not ask me to stay for supper that day. In fact, they didn’t say anything to me at all. They acted like they were real mad about something.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
The Twicks and Tweed Trout Ice Trip Triple Triumph is an ice fishing festival held each year on Nicky Lake. It is sponsored by Twicks and Tweed Tracking and Tackle Inc. It is held starting at midnight on the last weekend in November and this last weekend I had a great time there.
I showed up at just about midnight last Friday night and watched as about 300 anglers and snowmobilers started to make their way out onto the lake. At first glance I thought that the lake was still open with no ice at all on it. An old timer told me that there was open water but just a few inches below the water’s surface ice had formed. I didn’t want to get my feet wet so I just hung back as the rest of the people started to move off shore. Soon, I noticed that everyone that went out on the lake was swimming and struggling to get back to shore. It occurred to me that maybe that ice was a lot further down below the water’s surface than what the old timer had thought.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
No, I am not related to the big shot lady over there in Germany. My family came from Kalamazoo Michigan. As far as I know my family always lived in Kalamazoo. My ancestors were going to Kalamazoo high school long before Einstein ever invented Germany.
Even though I am a Kalamazoovian and not a German, I do like to go to the festivals in Hankermuth every year. They always have a lot of polka bands so it’s a great time to literally kick up your heels. They have great food in Hankermuth too. I also like the Polish festival they have each year way up in Raydar Michigan. I have a great time there too. One of my former husbands I found there at the Polish festival. Unfortunately, I found him with another woman.
The stock market should go up a little bit next month. If gold keeps going up I’m going to be pulling my back teeth out. After all, its better I get the money than some undertaker. I found out about undertakers stealing teeth from a lot of upset spirits that have been visiting my dreams lately to tell me about their stolen teeth. Evidently, gold teeth are like a get out of hell free card after you die. According to my sources heaven really needs money. Heavens been running deficit budgets for years and they need the gold to pay off their debt to the Chinese. They just don’t make anything in heaven anymore. Even the production of their harps and fancy gowns are outsourced to a company in Indonesia. To top it all off Heaven bought several quadrillion dollars of Mortgage Backed Securities from the U.S. Treasury.
I hate it when dead accountants show up in my dreams and burden my brain with all that financial stuff. I have trouble figuring out how to pay the lot rent where my trailer sits let alone being worried about the fancy finance of rich people, living or dead.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
‘Ts the season,” for lots of movies. I just wish they’d let me bring my own pop and pop corn to the cinema. I could watch two movies for the price of the dog gone pop and pop corn. One thing I do like about theatre popcorn is the extra butter option. Butter is one of those things you just can’t get enough of in life. A lot of times that hot butter poured over the popcorn are the only reason to finish watching some of those really crummy movies. All those romance movies have the women all crying into their hankies while the guys are stuffing their face with popcorn and every guy is just wishing the movie would end. Popcorn is a guy’s comfort food when the movie is making him feel really uncomfortable.
The new “Tron” movie is really good but, it kind of brings back some bad memories from my childhood. You see my father was absorbed into the Internet and has never returned. My mom told me the story of how my dad disappeared back when I was still in grade school.
The story begins with Al Gore and his invention of the Internet. At that time Al Gore was just a Senator so he had lot’s extra time to spend as a mad scientist working in the field of astrophysics. Al Gore was the person given credit by historians as the person who created the Internet but, it was really my father who made the ultimate sacrifice so that billions of people could communicate and be entertained with just the click of a button.
Before my father made his sacrifice communication via a very crude Internet connection was difficult and nasty. Al Gore used his vast knowledge of the space/time continuum along with his psychic abilities to predict weather patterns to construct a parallel universe to this one. This parallel universe is still used for the transmission and reception of all signals over the Internet. Fiber optic cable and other transmission lines are really just a rouse perpetrated by the government and technology companies so that people make payments to be hooked up to the Internet when in fact every cable guy knows that the Internet is not a system of cables and routers but is in fact a separate universe from our own to which any computer can be connected without any type of signal enhancer or cable. In order to connect to this other universe and hence the Internet all the cable guy does is press down “Alt” on the keyboard and triple click the mouse at the same time.
Al Gore found that in order to setup the Internet he needed to have a hook-up done in the alternate universe. My father at the time was a TV repairman and he really bought into the idea of an Internet that could stream football games anywhere anytime. When a note was put up in the break room where my dad worked asking for a volunteer to travel into an alternate universe and hook up the Internet my dad did not hesitate to volunteer. He was the only volunteer so he was chosen to go.
I almost remember the day he said goodbye. My mom told me that whatever happened that he would always be out there. My mom was later told by a government guy that my dad disappeared into the Internet but, never came back. It seems that my dad was tuned into trillions of photons and sent into the alternate universe to make the hook-up to this one. It was estimated that after one hour my dad should have the job done. At that time the “Alt” key was to be held down and the mouse was supposed to be clicked three times. Well, everything went as planned. My dad vanished into the Internet and after an hour a computer geek was ready to extract my father from the alternate universe. The geek pressed down the “Alt” key but, because he had been drinking coffee lattés all day the geek was jittery and did about fifty clicks instead of three. Well, my dad was gone and no one was able to find him again. They told my mom that my dad most likely disappeared into the trillions of bits of information sent over the great Internet.
I still think my dad might come back. Sometimes I go down into the basement and do an “Alt” triple click on my keyboard. I just wish I could afford to hook up to the internet.
Friday, November 5, 2010
BILL M. ORON IS THE WINNER OF THE 2010 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well the big elections are over and some political party won and some political party lost. At this publication we were only interested in the independent candidate that we had endorsed for President. That candidate was a Northern Michigan local known as Bill M. Oron. Mr. Oron is an outside the beltway candidate that espouses his various political philosophies after downing a half dozen pints of beer. Mr. Oron is certainly very different from all the other politicians. For example, Mr. Oron is the only candidate for the presidency who wishes to deport all the space aliens that have come to inhabit our planet and steal its precious resources. “Earth for Earthlings” is his slogan. Everyone has to admit that all the policies the major parties fight over are completely unimportant when it comes to our planet being invaded and conquered by aliens from other worlds. Some of these space aliens may even want to eat us. I’ve heard that we Earthlings taste like a combination of veal, chicken and, pork. I wondered what happened to Cousin Dale when he disappeared right before my families last Christmas dinner. Often times I loose relatives when there is a big family get together that requires feeding people a lot of meat. It's a good thing people in my family have lots of kids.
In regards to this last national election, Bill M. Oron would be our new President if only 2010 were a year in which the U.S. President is chosen. It seems that the next presidential election is in 2012. The previous election was in 2008 and the one before that was in 2004. What kind of pattern is that? How does anyone know when they should run for president when the presidential elections are placed in randomly picked years? You would think that elections would be in years that end in either “5” or “10” so that people would not get confused. I guess that the reason we have just a two party system is because the two major parties are the only ones that know when the next election is going to take place.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Editor
Are you tired of receiving all those utility bills in the mail? Are you sick to death of seeing cut-off notices for your utilities lying all over every table and desk in your home. Are you feeling low because you can’t pay those bills until your doctor says that the disease you got from the girl you made out with on the beach last summer has gone away enough so you can sell your blood again? Well, I have a remedy for all your problems. Just install a wood stove using the low cost wood stove conversion kit that I have patented and am selling for just $19.99. With your own wood stove, you can just take all your utility bills and burn them without even having to look at them. You can also ignore all those letters from the health department regarding the romance disease you caught last summer and might be spreading to your kith and kin right now. In addition to literally sending your problems up in flames, you will be making your home nice and toasty and the ladies just love to sit in front of a nice warm fire.
Now the conversion kit itself is just $19.99 and can be used with any empty five gallon bucket. Just follow the directions and install my patented conversion parts and you will have a nice operational wood-stove. Now I have stated that any empty five gallon bucket can be used however, I should tell you that metal buckets work better than plastic ones. Plastic buckets will give you a huge flame and throw off plenty of heat but, it seems there is a chemical breakdown in plastic when it is heated to the point of becoming fuel. This means that plastic wood-stoves are only good for one burn. Usually, most people are able to salvage the conversion kit for reuse after of course the fire department has left and the insurance investigator has taken some pictures of the fire and water damage done to your home.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
How about those Detroit Lions? Enough said. I just won a silver colored paper Mache medal for my outstanding athletic prowess in the sport of extreme tether-ball. Of course the goal of extreme tether-ball is the same as regular tether-ball: that being to slap a ball on a string which is attached to a pole so hard that your opponent cannot stop the ball from circling around and around the pole so many times that the ball runs out of rope and kisses the pole. In extreme tether-ball the ball has four six inch razor sharp spikes on it located about 90 degrees apart. So, points are really secondary in extreme tether-ball. What you really want to do is to put someone’s eyes out. The goal is similar to extreme lawn jarts where you want to stab your opponent so bad that he has to go to the hospital.
Of course putting someone’s eyes out during a game might seem somewhat extreme but, here in Northern Michigan we have several well trained mad scientists who just love to replace normal human tissue with that of some animal that was found as road kill. I for one have had the eyes of several different animals over the years. Currently I have a badger eye and an eye from a Chinook salmon. Having really messed up animal eyes is actually a great way to start up conversations with the ladies that you meet at the bar. Chicks really did a guy that has the eyes of two different dead animals. In fact, women would all tell me to “get lost” and that I was some sort of a “creepy jerk” but, since I’ve be playing extreme tether-ball and getting a new set of eyes after almost every match, they now say that I have “mysterious eyes” and that they’d like to get to know the real man behind my beautiful animal peepers.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Mike Colin
Associate Reporter
Chipmunk Hunting in Northern Michigan
Well, chipmunk hunting season has begun in Northern Michigan. This year there are a few new rules to follow while hunting chipmunks. This year the taking of antler-less and spike horned chipmunks is strictly prohibited and anyone found with a doe or spike horned chipmunk in their possession is subject to a fine of no more $1.99 per violation and an incarceration of not more than 19 hours. You might also receive a suspension of your chipmunk hunting license for up to three days. People ticketed for multiple violations withing a twenty year period could also be banned from chipmunk hunting in Michigan. Hunting chipmunks in Michigan is a privilege not a right.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
My prediction for November is that sales will be really good for retailers and a lot of turkeys will be worried that sales of those deep fat fryers for turkeys had more than doubled every year for the last ten years. Of course the turkeys would not worry so much if people would remember not to drop into the boiling fat those live turkeys that the kids got way back in the spring for Easter. It’s really kind of cruel to raise those turkeys up like they were your own kids and then on Thanksgiving take them out on the back deck and throw a quarter in the boiling grease and stank back and watch as the poor turkey dives to a boiling death for just a quarter. I remember at my ex-husbands parent’s house someone threw a quarter into the pot and half of my husband’s family dove into the boiling grease. It was a good thing that my ex-husband always had several jars of Vaseline in his car or a lot of those people would have been scarred for life.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrad Maintenance Man
I can’t afford to go to any theaters to see any movies so I just watch whatever comes on at the bar. Mainly that’s sports in Northern Michigan so, that’s o.k. with me. I did get some entertainment when there was this big fight at the bar last weekend. This one nice looking blond accused this other girl who happened to be brunette of having a relationship with here husband. I guessed by the way the blond hit that brunette in the head with a chair that the relationship had nothing to d with being a relative. Finally, the brunette retaliated by hauling the blond girl into the bathroom and into an open stall where the brunette stuck the blond girls head in the toilet and proceeded to flush the toilet several times. I almost felt sorry for the blond girl since I got a lot of toilet head swirlies in my day but, most of the time it was always a girl that gave it to me. In truth, most of the time is was mom.
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well the big elections are over and some political party won and some political party lost. At this publication we were only interested in the independent candidate that we had endorsed for President. That candidate was a Northern Michigan local known as Bill M. Oron. Mr. Oron is an outside the beltway candidate that espouses his various political philosophies after downing a half dozen pints of beer. Mr. Oron is certainly very different from all the other politicians. For example, Mr. Oron is the only candidate for the presidency who wishes to deport all the space aliens that have come to inhabit our planet and steal its precious resources. “Earth for Earthlings” is his slogan. Everyone has to admit that all the policies the major parties fight over are completely unimportant when it comes to our planet being invaded and conquered by aliens from other worlds. Some of these space aliens may even want to eat us. I’ve heard that we Earthlings taste like a combination of veal, chicken and, pork. I wondered what happened to Cousin Dale when he disappeared right before my families last Christmas dinner. Often times I loose relatives when there is a big family get together that requires feeding people a lot of meat. It's a good thing people in my family have lots of kids.
In regards to this last national election, Bill M. Oron would be our new President if only 2010 were a year in which the U.S. President is chosen. It seems that the next presidential election is in 2012. The previous election was in 2008 and the one before that was in 2004. What kind of pattern is that? How does anyone know when they should run for president when the presidential elections are placed in randomly picked years? You would think that elections would be in years that end in either “5” or “10” so that people would not get confused. I guess that the reason we have just a two party system is because the two major parties are the only ones that know when the next election is going to take place.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Editor
Are you tired of receiving all those utility bills in the mail? Are you sick to death of seeing cut-off notices for your utilities lying all over every table and desk in your home. Are you feeling low because you can’t pay those bills until your doctor says that the disease you got from the girl you made out with on the beach last summer has gone away enough so you can sell your blood again? Well, I have a remedy for all your problems. Just install a wood stove using the low cost wood stove conversion kit that I have patented and am selling for just $19.99. With your own wood stove, you can just take all your utility bills and burn them without even having to look at them. You can also ignore all those letters from the health department regarding the romance disease you caught last summer and might be spreading to your kith and kin right now. In addition to literally sending your problems up in flames, you will be making your home nice and toasty and the ladies just love to sit in front of a nice warm fire.
Now the conversion kit itself is just $19.99 and can be used with any empty five gallon bucket. Just follow the directions and install my patented conversion parts and you will have a nice operational wood-stove. Now I have stated that any empty five gallon bucket can be used however, I should tell you that metal buckets work better than plastic ones. Plastic buckets will give you a huge flame and throw off plenty of heat but, it seems there is a chemical breakdown in plastic when it is heated to the point of becoming fuel. This means that plastic wood-stoves are only good for one burn. Usually, most people are able to salvage the conversion kit for reuse after of course the fire department has left and the insurance investigator has taken some pictures of the fire and water damage done to your home.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
How about those Detroit Lions? Enough said. I just won a silver colored paper Mache medal for my outstanding athletic prowess in the sport of extreme tether-ball. Of course the goal of extreme tether-ball is the same as regular tether-ball: that being to slap a ball on a string which is attached to a pole so hard that your opponent cannot stop the ball from circling around and around the pole so many times that the ball runs out of rope and kisses the pole. In extreme tether-ball the ball has four six inch razor sharp spikes on it located about 90 degrees apart. So, points are really secondary in extreme tether-ball. What you really want to do is to put someone’s eyes out. The goal is similar to extreme lawn jarts where you want to stab your opponent so bad that he has to go to the hospital.
Of course putting someone’s eyes out during a game might seem somewhat extreme but, here in Northern Michigan we have several well trained mad scientists who just love to replace normal human tissue with that of some animal that was found as road kill. I for one have had the eyes of several different animals over the years. Currently I have a badger eye and an eye from a Chinook salmon. Having really messed up animal eyes is actually a great way to start up conversations with the ladies that you meet at the bar. Chicks really did a guy that has the eyes of two different dead animals. In fact, women would all tell me to “get lost” and that I was some sort of a “creepy jerk” but, since I’ve be playing extreme tether-ball and getting a new set of eyes after almost every match, they now say that I have “mysterious eyes” and that they’d like to get to know the real man behind my beautiful animal peepers.
OUTDOOR NEWS
By Mike Colin
Associate Reporter
Chipmunk Hunting in Northern Michigan
Well, chipmunk hunting season has begun in Northern Michigan. This year there are a few new rules to follow while hunting chipmunks. This year the taking of antler-less and spike horned chipmunks is strictly prohibited and anyone found with a doe or spike horned chipmunk in their possession is subject to a fine of no more $1.99 per violation and an incarceration of not more than 19 hours. You might also receive a suspension of your chipmunk hunting license for up to three days. People ticketed for multiple violations withing a twenty year period could also be banned from chipmunk hunting in Michigan. Hunting chipmunks in Michigan is a privilege not a right.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
My prediction for November is that sales will be really good for retailers and a lot of turkeys will be worried that sales of those deep fat fryers for turkeys had more than doubled every year for the last ten years. Of course the turkeys would not worry so much if people would remember not to drop into the boiling fat those live turkeys that the kids got way back in the spring for Easter. It’s really kind of cruel to raise those turkeys up like they were your own kids and then on Thanksgiving take them out on the back deck and throw a quarter in the boiling grease and stank back and watch as the poor turkey dives to a boiling death for just a quarter. I remember at my ex-husbands parent’s house someone threw a quarter into the pot and half of my husband’s family dove into the boiling grease. It was a good thing that my ex-husband always had several jars of Vaseline in his car or a lot of those people would have been scarred for life.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrad Maintenance Man
I can’t afford to go to any theaters to see any movies so I just watch whatever comes on at the bar. Mainly that’s sports in Northern Michigan so, that’s o.k. with me. I did get some entertainment when there was this big fight at the bar last weekend. This one nice looking blond accused this other girl who happened to be brunette of having a relationship with here husband. I guessed by the way the blond hit that brunette in the head with a chair that the relationship had nothing to d with being a relative. Finally, the brunette retaliated by hauling the blond girl into the bathroom and into an open stall where the brunette stuck the blond girls head in the toilet and proceeded to flush the toilet several times. I almost felt sorry for the blond girl since I got a lot of toilet head swirlies in my day but, most of the time it was always a girl that gave it to me. In truth, most of the time is was mom.
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