IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The Supreme has ruled that corporations are people too and so corporations can give away unlimited amounts of money to political organizations. Personally I think my goldfish named fluffy should be legally considered a person. I consider Fluffy to be the child I never had; at least I consider Fluffy to be a kid when I declare it as a dependent on my income tax forms. I call Fluffy an" it" because I’m too embarrassed to look to see whether Fluffy is a boy or a girl. Legally Fluffy is a legitimate person. I paid $50.00 to get Fluffy a genuine social security card along with a Michigan drivers license.
President Obama stated this week that he is coming out with a plan to fix the problems on Wall Street. Do the words “Deja Vous” mean anything here? Maybe the movie “Groundhog Day” will jog the memory. It just seems like things just keep happening over and over again with the same results (or lack of results).
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks were in the tank this week as people began to decide that maybe the economy is not so good. Nearly one in five people cannot find full time work. In addition to not hiring people businesses are cutting corners in other ways. The pizza place across the road is getting really stingy with their pepperoni topping and the bar down the road now has pay toilets. Paying to use the bathroom is one thing but the dog gone bathroom doors need exact change before they will open and, they are set for 37 cents. That means you have to make sure you have change in your pocket when you go to the bar which, includes two pennies. The alternative is to wait until someone leaves the bathroom and grab the door before it closes. Both scenarios are going to lead to some nasty accidents.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well, The Detroit Red Wings can’t claim that they are the Detroit “Hot Wings” this year. The Red Wings have a mediocre record of 25 wins and 17 losses. These guys should be happy they still have jobs. Anyone with a job in the Detroit area is like a king. You can buy up a whole city block for the price of a can of beans.
I am really disappointed that Winter Lawn Jarts will not be seen at the Winter Olympics. I think watching two people throwing lawn jarts at each other would be an instant success ratings wise for the broadcasters. What’s great about Winter Lawn Jarts is that the blood shows up really well in the snow. That adds a lot of drama to this classic game of guts and coordination.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Misty Merkel
I am officially a legitimate psychic now. I purchased a license from the State of Michigan.
Evidently they are the people who have the sole power to regulate psychic abilities. Well, now that I’ve paid them off I won’t have to fear for that knock on the door in the middle of the night. If I do get a knock on the door in the middle of the night I’ll know it’s just inebriated neighbors and not the psychic enforcement cops.
I hung my new license up on the living room wall. It has the word “Legitimate” right on it in big, bold letters. Maybe it will help my business out in the long run. Anyway, I’m going to predict that the government will start taxing everything and cut benefits on everything. High taxes and no benefits. I wonder where does all the money go. I’m going to have to get out my crystal balls and look into this mystery. I only hope I can find them. One of them I think is in the coat closet but, I have no idea where the other one rolled off to. Maybe I’ll have to get out my magic Petoskey stones and give them a rub.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
I’ve been to busy to see any movies. I guess Avatar is still doing pretty good. Unusually the winter is a slow movie season. Mostly just chick flicks and tweeny bopper movies come out this time of the year.
I guess O’Brian is out and Leno is back on The Tonight Show. It seems that people stopped staying up and watching their local news which came on before The Tonight Show. I didn’t think anyone ever watched the local news at night. Don’t most people have some kind of life? If I’m home at night I watch a movie or comedy show or even a cartoon. Sports scores I can get off the Internet. In fact any interesting news is on the Internet.
I hate to say it but local newscasts are so watered down with mundane stuff. They never tell you about what is really going on in the area. You never hear about alien spaceships, the yeti, big foots, The Frankenmoose, alien abductions, Lizard Boy or, any of the other things that are really important to people.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
According to scientists all kinds of smog are blowing into the United States from all over Asia. We are getting a virtual “Smogasborg” of pollution from all those dirty factories we moved overseas. I thought we moved all our factories over there so we would have clean air over here. Instead, now we don’t have any jobs and we are still being poisoned. I think you call this situation “ironic“. I guess we can’t have all our plastic junk and clean air too. The next thing you know is that we’ll be told that all this imported junk is unsafe to use or, eat in the case of potted meats.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!!!
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
World leaders have been meeting all week to decide on how much Americans should pay for gas and heating oil in order to fix global warming. It seems that if our utility bills are greatly increased then the temperature outside will rise by 10 degrees Fahrenheit every 1,000 years. It is only 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside right now in Northern Michigan. If in 7,000 years the temperature rises up 70 degrees which will make it 72 degrees outside. I’ll be able to grow a garden and eat on a regular basis. It may get a little toasty for all the rich people in Southern California but, who cares?
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market keeps seesawing up and down. The economy must be in great shape because bankers on Wall Street are getting multimillion dollar bonuses. How do you get those jobs? I guess you have to go to colleges like Harvard or Yale. Of course if I could afford to go to one of those schools I wouldn’t need any job.
It looks like the health insurance industry and congress have finally hammered out a bill to reform health insurance. The White House and Senators who have been working long hours said that the bill will help insurance companies by making consumers healthier which will then drive down costs. It seems the unlimited amounts of money insurance companies will be able to charge government forced customers, will keep people from having money to buy food and will thereby curtail the problem with overweight individuals which is currently costing the insurance companies a lot of money. And of course, if people should happen to starve to death on the streets and not die of natural old age causes then, this too will sharply drive down the health care burden those insurance companies are suffering. Personally, I'm going to control my weight by going on a liquid diet. I won't keep any food at home and I'll consume all my meals at The Big Liver Lounge. I hang out there most of the time anyway. My new diet will most likely get me the cheapest health insurance rate.
Overall, the health care bill seems to be a victory for everyone. Now everyone will be forced to buy health insurance coverage at prices set by the insurance industry. No one can be denied health insurance and would only have to pay 3x the regular rate if the insurance companies can find something wrong with you. (If you are over 50 years old then you have something really wrong with you.). On the positive side, the White House points out that no one can be denied being sold a health care policy and it will be up to the insurance industry to decide what treatments they will pay for. And, if you die because your insurance company denied your treatment then, your relatives will find it virtually impossible to sue the insurance company because the company works with the federal government. This last point will truly drive down costs all across the industry. Everyone must pay into a plan and insurance companies will cover nothing. This legislation has been named in honor of the famous wall street wizard, Bernie Madoff. It will be called the Bernie Madoff insurance reform legislation.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well the Tigers and the Lions have bit the dust this year. Now only the Detroit Pistons or the Red Wings can hold Detroit together. With a reported 50% unemployment rate I feel sorry for Detroit. But, we in Northern Michigan have our local minor league baseball teams like the Midland Loons and the Traverse City Beach Bums. Maybe our Bums and Loons might be a match up with the Tigers. Based on last season I would say they would not. But, who knows.
Speaking of Tigers, how about that Tiger Woods. My goodness. Tiger Woods is a real Tiger after all. (Roar!!!). I’ve never really respected golfers as athletes but, with all the girlfriends Tiger has well, Dog Gone! Like Bill Clinton in his second term, I’m starting to have respect for the man. It seems Tiger was much better at playing horizontal doubles than straight up and down singles matches. Now, many people are worried because Tiger has lost so many endorsement sponsors. The truth is Tiger is losing all his athletic and business endorsements but, now he can get all those more lucrative endorsements from pharmaceutical companies for their little pills, air pumps and, lotions.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
Well, January is coming next month. At that time it will be January and time to sweep out the old cobwebs out of my Petoskey Stones. I like to clean house during January so I can find all the places I put my bottles of apricot brandy while I was in a trance. Sometimes when I trance out I forget where I put things. I go all through my trailers every year. I also clean everything out and find all sorts of things that are stuffed in every crack and crevice.
Now, I predict that not only will I find stuff in all sorts of places in my trailer in January but, I also predict that the stock market will go up along with the price of oil. I also predict that the woman’s rest room at the Big Liver Lounge will get a new coat of paint in January. They really need to clean the place or flush the toilet or something. But, the owner is really lazy and it is always easier to just paint over stuff than to actually clean it up. The fresh paint will make it smell better anyway.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, if you want to see rockets being sent up in the air in the U.S. then you had best show up for the 4th of July fireworks display. NASA is still going to be getting a huge budget every year but, the money will be spent on things that do not relate to space and or technology. They will instead be spending all their money on having expensive entertainment at climate change conferences that will be held around the world. It costs a lot of money for caviar and champagne at climate change conferences. Eating well and getting drunk is a lot more fun than doing science stuff. I tried to tell my high school teachers that when I was a kid but, they said I was wrong. Well, look who says they were all wrong; none other than our very own government science guys. So there!!!
ENTERTAINMENT
By Mike Colin
Avatar is opening this weekend at most theaters. I and every guy I know are going to see this movie. It has the two things in a movie that every guy loves: senseless violence and Sigourney Weaver. The code words of guys for senseless violence are “action adventure” The code words for really intense senseless violence are “science fiction” and this film looks to be full of “science fiction”.
Although this might not be a movie classified as a “chick flick”, it has one of the hottest chicks in moviedom staring in it. That chick is Sigourney Weaver. She may be getting more mature in age but, to guys Sigourney Weaver is looked at in the same way that women look at Sean Connery or Hugh Grant. We guys all grew up watching this hot chick defeating these really nasty aliens. In our eyes she never ages. She looks nice and you want to have someone like that to get your back in a bar fight.
By Ted Colin
World leaders have been meeting all week to decide on how much Americans should pay for gas and heating oil in order to fix global warming. It seems that if our utility bills are greatly increased then the temperature outside will rise by 10 degrees Fahrenheit every 1,000 years. It is only 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside right now in Northern Michigan. If in 7,000 years the temperature rises up 70 degrees which will make it 72 degrees outside. I’ll be able to grow a garden and eat on a regular basis. It may get a little toasty for all the rich people in Southern California but, who cares?
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market keeps seesawing up and down. The economy must be in great shape because bankers on Wall Street are getting multimillion dollar bonuses. How do you get those jobs? I guess you have to go to colleges like Harvard or Yale. Of course if I could afford to go to one of those schools I wouldn’t need any job.
It looks like the health insurance industry and congress have finally hammered out a bill to reform health insurance. The White House and Senators who have been working long hours said that the bill will help insurance companies by making consumers healthier which will then drive down costs. It seems the unlimited amounts of money insurance companies will be able to charge government forced customers, will keep people from having money to buy food and will thereby curtail the problem with overweight individuals which is currently costing the insurance companies a lot of money. And of course, if people should happen to starve to death on the streets and not die of natural old age causes then, this too will sharply drive down the health care burden those insurance companies are suffering. Personally, I'm going to control my weight by going on a liquid diet. I won't keep any food at home and I'll consume all my meals at The Big Liver Lounge. I hang out there most of the time anyway. My new diet will most likely get me the cheapest health insurance rate.
Overall, the health care bill seems to be a victory for everyone. Now everyone will be forced to buy health insurance coverage at prices set by the insurance industry. No one can be denied health insurance and would only have to pay 3x the regular rate if the insurance companies can find something wrong with you. (If you are over 50 years old then you have something really wrong with you.). On the positive side, the White House points out that no one can be denied being sold a health care policy and it will be up to the insurance industry to decide what treatments they will pay for. And, if you die because your insurance company denied your treatment then, your relatives will find it virtually impossible to sue the insurance company because the company works with the federal government. This last point will truly drive down costs all across the industry. Everyone must pay into a plan and insurance companies will cover nothing. This legislation has been named in honor of the famous wall street wizard, Bernie Madoff. It will be called the Bernie Madoff insurance reform legislation.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well the Tigers and the Lions have bit the dust this year. Now only the Detroit Pistons or the Red Wings can hold Detroit together. With a reported 50% unemployment rate I feel sorry for Detroit. But, we in Northern Michigan have our local minor league baseball teams like the Midland Loons and the Traverse City Beach Bums. Maybe our Bums and Loons might be a match up with the Tigers. Based on last season I would say they would not. But, who knows.
Speaking of Tigers, how about that Tiger Woods. My goodness. Tiger Woods is a real Tiger after all. (Roar!!!). I’ve never really respected golfers as athletes but, with all the girlfriends Tiger has well, Dog Gone! Like Bill Clinton in his second term, I’m starting to have respect for the man. It seems Tiger was much better at playing horizontal doubles than straight up and down singles matches. Now, many people are worried because Tiger has lost so many endorsement sponsors. The truth is Tiger is losing all his athletic and business endorsements but, now he can get all those more lucrative endorsements from pharmaceutical companies for their little pills, air pumps and, lotions.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
Well, January is coming next month. At that time it will be January and time to sweep out the old cobwebs out of my Petoskey Stones. I like to clean house during January so I can find all the places I put my bottles of apricot brandy while I was in a trance. Sometimes when I trance out I forget where I put things. I go all through my trailers every year. I also clean everything out and find all sorts of things that are stuffed in every crack and crevice.
Now, I predict that not only will I find stuff in all sorts of places in my trailer in January but, I also predict that the stock market will go up along with the price of oil. I also predict that the woman’s rest room at the Big Liver Lounge will get a new coat of paint in January. They really need to clean the place or flush the toilet or something. But, the owner is really lazy and it is always easier to just paint over stuff than to actually clean it up. The fresh paint will make it smell better anyway.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Well, if you want to see rockets being sent up in the air in the U.S. then you had best show up for the 4th of July fireworks display. NASA is still going to be getting a huge budget every year but, the money will be spent on things that do not relate to space and or technology. They will instead be spending all their money on having expensive entertainment at climate change conferences that will be held around the world. It costs a lot of money for caviar and champagne at climate change conferences. Eating well and getting drunk is a lot more fun than doing science stuff. I tried to tell my high school teachers that when I was a kid but, they said I was wrong. Well, look who says they were all wrong; none other than our very own government science guys. So there!!!
ENTERTAINMENT
By Mike Colin
Avatar is opening this weekend at most theaters. I and every guy I know are going to see this movie. It has the two things in a movie that every guy loves: senseless violence and Sigourney Weaver. The code words of guys for senseless violence are “action adventure” The code words for really intense senseless violence are “science fiction” and this film looks to be full of “science fiction”.
Although this might not be a movie classified as a “chick flick”, it has one of the hottest chicks in moviedom staring in it. That chick is Sigourney Weaver. She may be getting more mature in age but, to guys Sigourney Weaver is looked at in the same way that women look at Sean Connery or Hugh Grant. We guys all grew up watching this hot chick defeating these really nasty aliens. In our eyes she never ages. She looks nice and you want to have someone like that to get your back in a bar fight.
Friday, November 27, 2009
PSYCHIC IS VISITED BY SAM WALTON
IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
It seems the nation of Dubai has gone broke. Dubai has been touted as one of the great financial and cultural centers in the world. Dubai is a member of the United Arab Emirates and was founded by popular group of 1960’s pop stars known as the Doobie Brothers. The Brothers know how to throw a party but evidently, like many performers they have trouble hiring the right people to manage their money.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
As the dollar weakens the value of gold continues to set new record highs. The Treasury Department, in order to insure that the dollar is eventually still worth something, has begun printing paper currency on softer, triple ply paper. “Softer than Charmin” is the new motto which is planed to be printed on the one dollar bill.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have won two games this season. It seems the Lions have gotten their “pride” back and are functionally like a family again. I’m not from Detroit but, overall I can tell you that Michiganders have a restored since of confidence and of pride in their Lions. I’ve even started wearing my Lions cap and sweatshirt at the local sports bars. I used to get booed and threats when I came in. Now, now one mocks me. They simply stand aside when I enter the bar with my Lions clothing. Even if the Lions win no more games this season, the hope of a string of wins next year will keep loyal Lions fans buying everything Lions.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
Today I rubbed my Petoskey stones together and ended up in a trance talking to Sam Walton, founder of the Wal-mart stores. He told me that when he first had cheap jewelry made in China he had someone just like me in mind as his ultimate customer. He also said that my trailer could be a showroom of low cost furnishings and accessories purchased from his Arkansas store 30 years ago. I guess I made him mad when I told him that most of my stuff was purchased at K-mart, because Sam just stormed off and disappeared. I’m glad I didn’t tell him the truth that most of my stuff was really bought at the pawn shop.
OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I set up a turkey fryer too close to the siding at my parent’s house and dropped a frozen turkey into the boiling grease. Well, the house caught on fire and burned completely up. Now my parents are going to be staying at my place for a while until their insurance money comes in. So, turkey day wasn’t so good for me and with my parents hanging around I doubt I’ll be having too merry of an X-Mass party this year.
By Ted Colin
It seems the nation of Dubai has gone broke. Dubai has been touted as one of the great financial and cultural centers in the world. Dubai is a member of the United Arab Emirates and was founded by popular group of 1960’s pop stars known as the Doobie Brothers. The Brothers know how to throw a party but evidently, like many performers they have trouble hiring the right people to manage their money.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
As the dollar weakens the value of gold continues to set new record highs. The Treasury Department, in order to insure that the dollar is eventually still worth something, has begun printing paper currency on softer, triple ply paper. “Softer than Charmin” is the new motto which is planed to be printed on the one dollar bill.
SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have won two games this season. It seems the Lions have gotten their “pride” back and are functionally like a family again. I’m not from Detroit but, overall I can tell you that Michiganders have a restored since of confidence and of pride in their Lions. I’ve even started wearing my Lions cap and sweatshirt at the local sports bars. I used to get booed and threats when I came in. Now, now one mocks me. They simply stand aside when I enter the bar with my Lions clothing. Even if the Lions win no more games this season, the hope of a string of wins next year will keep loyal Lions fans buying everything Lions.
PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
Today I rubbed my Petoskey stones together and ended up in a trance talking to Sam Walton, founder of the Wal-mart stores. He told me that when he first had cheap jewelry made in China he had someone just like me in mind as his ultimate customer. He also said that my trailer could be a showroom of low cost furnishings and accessories purchased from his Arkansas store 30 years ago. I guess I made him mad when I told him that most of my stuff was purchased at K-mart, because Sam just stormed off and disappeared. I’m glad I didn’t tell him the truth that most of my stuff was really bought at the pawn shop.
OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I set up a turkey fryer too close to the siding at my parent’s house and dropped a frozen turkey into the boiling grease. Well, the house caught on fire and burned completely up. Now my parents are going to be staying at my place for a while until their insurance money comes in. So, turkey day wasn’t so good for me and with my parents hanging around I doubt I’ll be having too merry of an X-Mass party this year.
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