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Friday, March 26, 2010

THE SANTA SECRET TOY FACTORY

THE SANTA SECRET TOY FACTORY IN MANCELONA MICHIGAN
By Mike Colin
This year I’ve decided to find out why Santa Claus quit bringing me presents when I was twelve years old. That year all I got for Christmas was a pair of socks. My dad wasn’t working at the time and my parents told me that a pair of socks was all they could afford. “Besides,” my parents said, “you need socks because the sock monster keeps gobbling up your socks in the cloths dryer.” I asked them why I don’t get any presents from Santa and they both said I was too old to believe in Santa anymore.

That did not make since to me. If Santa never existed why would everyone tell kids that Santa was going to bring them presents if they were good? Why lie about such a thing as the existence of the jolly old elf? I was traumatized for years.

It has been more than ten years and I still believe in Santa and I am going to find out why he quit coming to my house and giving me presents. I know my brothers are both evil and never deserved any presents. I could see why Santa finally wised up and quit bringing them stuff but, I was different. I was always really good and I never lost faith in his existence.

This year I read somewhere that Santa has a secret toy factory about 50 miles from here in a small town called Mancelona. It seems he purchased an old factory that used to make cheese and now he makes lots of old fashioned, environmentally correct toys. People say that Santa set up a factory in Mancelona because it is beautiful here in Northern Michigan and a great place to live. Consequently, Santa can pay his elves a lot less money if they work here versus working up above the artic circle. Here we have low pay but a view of the bay. At the North Pole you get a bigger slice of the pie but, if you go outside you die.

Today I drove over to Mancelona and stopped into their old cheese factory. The windows are all boarded up but, I went up to a door on the side of the building and wrapped on it. Suddenly, a shaggy elf appeared in the doorway. It took me a couple of minutes but then, I recognized the little guy was area resident and celebrity Michael Moore. He stood in the doorway holding a wrapped package with a bow on it. “Hi,” he said, “I’m not allowed to let anyone in but, Santa wanted me to give you this Christmas gift.” Mr. Moore handed me the gift and then shut the door.

So there I stood with the package in my hand. I went back home and decided to open it even though it is not Christmas yet. I was surprised to find a pair of socks inside with a note from Santa. The note said:

“I’m sorry I missed getting this present to you when you were twelve years old. Twelve is the normal cut off but our computers were down that year and we thought you were 13 at the time. Again, I’m sorry we missed you on the last Christmas that you qualified for a gift from Santa. Please accept this gift I’ve been holding for you all these years. I know how poor your family is so I thought I would get you something that would help keep your little toes from getting frost bite during the long Michigan Winters.

Sincerely,

Santa Claus”

I have been elated all the rest of the day. Santa really did care about me and it was just a problem with his computer that caused him to not deliver my present. From now on I will always give a strong testimony to the existence of Santa. My only question is why Michael Moore was over in Santa’s workshop and are there more celebrities in the old cheese factory? I wonder.

Friday, March 19, 2010

EXPLODING UNDERWEAR? ARE TERRORIST WATCHING GET SMART RERUNS?

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Assistant Editor
Blowing up yourself along with a bunch of innocent people gets attention but, it is incredibly stupid, let alone evil. This last attack proves the idiocy of terrorists. Who would believe that someone would try to take down an airplane by wearing exploding underwear? Instead of watching James Bond movies for training films the terrorists must be watching “Get Smart” reruns. I wonder if the terrorist guy had a shoe phone. It has been reported that the flight attendant asked the terrorist if he was having a problem. The terrorist said no and then his britches started to smoke. The Attendant then said “Liar, Liar pants on fire…” You are supposed to burn bridges behind you, not your britches. For a terrorist this guy from Yemen turned out to be a lemon. A government spokesman reported that the terrorist was so scared when his pants blew up that explosives were not the only thing that was found in the guys underwear.

This terrorist nut came from a rich banking family. His old man had homes all over the world. Instead of blowing up a bunch of innocent people he could have just had his old man buy him a seat in the Senate. That’s where the children of super rich people do real economic damage to the whole country.

By Tim Colin
Editor
Cash for clunkers has helped Ford Motor out quite a bit. On the other hand, GM looks like they will need more bailout money from Washington. If you go out on the road you would think GM was selling a lot of cars because everywhere you look someone is either shoving or having a GM vehicle towed. The local GM dealership has a lot full of vehicles waiting to be worked on by mechanics. When I looked for a car there I got frustrated because there were more cars waiting to be fixed on the lot then there were cars available for sale.

I realize that as an American I am part owner of Gm but, I’m not counting on my GM stock portfolio to be a major part of my retirement. As an owner I’m going to write myself a nasty letter complaining about how stupid I must be to let my company be run into the ground. After all, if a business isn’t run well it’s ultimately the fault of the owner.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
CMU beat Troy at the GMAC bowl with a final basketball type score of 44 to 41. Central Michigan University ended the season with a 12-2 record. Great job chips.

In other sports news: The Detroit Red Wings hockey team is number 3 in their division while, the Detroit Pistons basketball team has 11 wins and 23 loses. All I have to say is “Great Job Chips!”

THE WEATHER UP HERE
By Mike Colin
Building Maintenance
If you live in Northern Michigan you will freeze your icicles off next week. We get warm air from the South and Cold air from the North and for the next few weeks the South will be on vacation. Personally, I think they’re just getting us back for that civil war thing.

I’m getting really sick of the grader guy plowing in my driveway as soon as I’ve shoveled it out. The guy must wait around the corner to see when I’ve shoveled the last heavy shovel full of show to the side of my driveway and then collapsed. When he sees I’m having a coronary he comes along and dumps large hunks of ice across the end of my driveway and buries my corpse. He even backs up and grades back and forth across the end of my driveway several times. The grader guy also loves to fill in around my mailbox. Now I’m getting nasty notes from the mail guy complaining that he won’t deliver my mail unless I start keeping the snow cleaned out around the mailbox. Well, the joke is on the mail guy since I mostly just get bills and, I’d just as soon have those requests for money returned to sender

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mistress Merkel
The Petoskey Stone Psychic
My name is Mike Colin and I’m filling in for Madam Merkel this week. Our local psychic has gotten into some trouble down state. Last week she went down to some little berg just outside of Grand Rapids. She was being paid to give psychic readings but it turned out to be a MSNBC sting operation for catching psychic predators.

It seems some police lady has been pretending that she was an elderly retiree on the Internet. The police lady would start up conversations with psychics she met in chat rooms and then she would lure them down to her house to give a reading. The problem is that Madam Merkel likes to have a few cocktails before she gives a reading. In the state of Michigan it is illegal to drink before you give a reading. I guess drinking and giving psychic readings is like taking steroids and playing baseball. It is considered to be unfair to psychics that don’t drink because while drinking real psychics give predictions that always come true.

I’m not sure if the Mistress will be back next week or not. The Psychic guild in Michigan has a lot of political power and they’ve gotten some pretty strict laws passed recently. I don’t even know if Mistress Merkel even has a license to practice psychic predicting.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Well those tall blue guys movie (Avatar) is still big and making lot of bucks. I think the blue people sort of look like elongated Smurfs. I do remember that on Star Trek some blue colored women were like the most attractive women in the galaxy. Most of them were beautiful but, I was not too crazy about the blue ladies with the little antennae on their heads.

One reason for the success of Avatar is that it stared Sigourney Weaver. I think all movies with Sigourney Weaver in are going to be hits. When guys hear her name mentioned in the trailer they just have to go see her movie. It’s like that Russian scientist Pavlov and his trained drooling dogs.

For a chick flick, the movie with Helen Hunt in it was pretty good too. I wouldn’t have gone to see it but, I went with my mom. She made me go because the movie was showing at night and she is always afraid of being accosted. She said with a big slob like me tagging along no one would bother her. She paid for my ticket, drink and, popcorn so, what do I care if she insults me.

Friday, March 5, 2010

CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE TOO

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
The Supreme has ruled that corporations are people too and so corporations can give away unlimited amounts of money to political organizations. Personally I think my goldfish named fluffy should be legally considered a person. I consider Fluffy to be the child I never had; at least I consider Fluffy to be a kid when I declare it as a dependent on my income tax forms. I call Fluffy an" it" because I’m too embarrassed to look to see whether Fluffy is a boy or a girl. Legally Fluffy is a legitimate person. I paid $50.00 to get Fluffy a genuine social security card along with a Michigan drivers license.

President Obama stated this week that he is coming out with a plan to fix the problems on Wall Street. Do the words “Deja Vous” mean anything here? Maybe the movie “Groundhog Day” will jog the memory. It just seems like things just keep happening over and over again with the same results (or lack of results).

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Stocks were in the tank this week as people began to decide that maybe the economy is not so good. Nearly one in five people cannot find full time work. In addition to not hiring people businesses are cutting corners in other ways. The pizza place across the road is getting really stingy with their pepperoni topping and the bar down the road now has pay toilets. Paying to use the bathroom is one thing but the dog gone bathroom doors need exact change before they will open and, they are set for 37 cents. That means you have to make sure you have change in your pocket when you go to the bar which, includes two pennies. The alternative is to wait until someone leaves the bathroom and grab the door before it closes. Both scenarios are going to lead to some nasty accidents.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well, The Detroit Red Wings can’t claim that they are the Detroit “Hot Wings” this year. The Red Wings have a mediocre record of 25 wins and 17 losses. These guys should be happy they still have jobs. Anyone with a job in the Detroit area is like a king. You can buy up a whole city block for the price of a can of beans.

I am really disappointed that Winter Lawn Jarts will not be seen at the Winter Olympics. I think watching two people throwing lawn jarts at each other would be an instant success ratings wise for the broadcasters. What’s great about Winter Lawn Jarts is that the blood shows up really well in the snow. That adds a lot of drama to this classic game of guts and coordination.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Misty Merkel
I am officially a legitimate psychic now. I purchased a license from the State of Michigan.
Evidently they are the people who have the sole power to regulate psychic abilities. Well, now that I’ve paid them off I won’t have to fear for that knock on the door in the middle of the night. If I do get a knock on the door in the middle of the night I’ll know it’s just inebriated neighbors and not the psychic enforcement cops.

I hung my new license up on the living room wall. It has the word “Legitimate” right on it in big, bold letters. Maybe it will help my business out in the long run. Anyway, I’m going to predict that the government will start taxing everything and cut benefits on everything. High taxes and no benefits. I wonder where does all the money go. I’m going to have to get out my crystal balls and look into this mystery. I only hope I can find them. One of them I think is in the coat closet but, I have no idea where the other one rolled off to. Maybe I’ll have to get out my magic Petoskey stones and give them a rub.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
I’ve been to busy to see any movies. I guess Avatar is still doing pretty good. Unusually the winter is a slow movie season. Mostly just chick flicks and tweeny bopper movies come out this time of the year.

I guess O’Brian is out and Leno is back on The Tonight Show. It seems that people stopped staying up and watching their local news which came on before The Tonight Show. I didn’t think anyone ever watched the local news at night. Don’t most people have some kind of life? If I’m home at night I watch a movie or comedy show or even a cartoon. Sports scores I can get off the Internet. In fact any interesting news is on the Internet.

I hate to say it but local newscasts are so watered down with mundane stuff. They never tell you about what is really going on in the area. You never hear about alien spaceships, the yeti, big foots, The Frankenmoose, alien abductions, Lizard Boy or, any of the other things that are really important to people.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
According to scientists all kinds of smog are blowing into the United States from all over Asia. We are getting a virtual “Smogasborg” of pollution from all those dirty factories we moved overseas. I thought we moved all our factories over there so we would have clean air over here. Instead, now we don’t have any jobs and we are still being poisoned. I think you call this situation “ironic“. I guess we can’t have all our plastic junk and clean air too. The next thing you know is that we’ll be told that all this imported junk is unsafe to use or, eat in the case of potted meats.
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