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Friday, April 30, 2010

NEW STIMULUS PLAN UNVEILED

IN THE NEWS NEWS
This week President Obama unveiled his long awaited stimulus program. This program is a 75 billion dollar plan that will among other things, help to refurbish our nations decaying infrastructure. Many have said that this bill will cost far too much money and would be very wasteful of taxpayer dollars. President Obama responded by saying that he planed for the money to be spent wisely. Several of the nations Governors said they did not like that plan and would not take part in it.

BUSINESS NEWS
The Dow Jones Industrials sank 99.58 points today to a new yearly low of 7316.23. The Dow tumbled all week because tired and angry traders couldn't get any coffee before work since all the nearby coffee shops have closed because of the Depression. This cause and effect may continue as stocks fall and coffee houses close in a never ending spiral downward until you hit the bottom.

Standard Financial Corp. has been accused of running a Ponzi scheme that bilked thousands of investors out of more than 8 billion dollars. Actually, I believe the word Ponzi was a misspelling and the name of the scheme should either be Fonzi or Potsi. So it either is a Fonzi scheme or a Potsi scheme. Of course a Fonzi scheme was always really cleaver and would not have been found out but, a Potsi scheme was always fraught with disaster so a Potsi scheme it must be. Besides, if it were a Fonzi scheme that created a big mess who would have the guts to say so. Of course, I’d rather blame Ralph because I never really liked him.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
The Detroit Red Wings are still first in the Central Division with 38 wins with Chicago trailing with a mere 33 wins. The Detroit Pistons are second in their division with 27 wins with Cleveland ahead with 41 wins. Still, to my friends on the Detroit Lions team, "at least the Pistons won some games".

Several major universities have had to cut their ticket prices in order to insure that fans continue to come to their games. The University of Michigan has cut their prices for season ticket holders from $53.57 to a nice even $50.00. What is up with that? A $3.57 cut is not going to entice anyone to come to the game that wasn’t already willing to pay the full amount. I can’t buy a descent chaw of tobacco for that. Maybe you can’t find anybody at your high faluting doctor and lawyering University that can count back change? You guys need to go to community college. That’s where I leaned to count back change. Then after graduation, almost everyone in my class got a job at the town’s largest employer, Burger King.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Funny thing this week, all of our computers came down with a computer virus (I think my brother spilled his pop on my lap top while I was in the bathroom) and we haven’t gotten them to work yet so we thought we were sunk. But, as luck would have it, the kid that delivers the papers took my bothers old Atari 2600, deleted the “Space Invaders” game from it, took some parts off of our Mr. Coffee coffee maker and Walla, we have a functioning e-machine with just a few little space monsters burned permanently into the screen.

CELEBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
The new movie “Friday the Thirteenth” (a remake of an old movie) is set to be another slasher, monster movie hit. I was going to send my brother Mike out to see the movie but, we don’t have enough money for a ticket (having paid the paper kid $15.00 to fix us up a computer). Mike decided that since Crystal Lake, the place where the movie took place, was just 15 miles oven into Benzie County, he’d just take a trip over there to see if he could interview the movies main star, Jason Voorhees.

Mike hitch hiked over to Crystal Lake but, found the lake was frozen over. It always is in February. Mike was really, really cold and really, really hungry. There were a lot of cottages around the lake but, everyone was gone for the winter. Mike was cold hungry and tired. It was nearly 200 feet to the nearest town. Mike decided he had to do something drastic.

The first cottage Mike broke into had food (Cream of Wheat cereal, Mike’s favorite) but, no stove to cook it on. The second cottage had a stove and Cream of Wheat cereal but, it was cold since the furnace didn’t work. The third cottage Mike broke into had cereal, a stove, a working furnace and, a nice soft bed for Mike to take a nap in after eating three bowls of Cream of Wheat cereal. Mike didn’t have a chance to look for Mr. Voorhees since the Sheriff came, woke Mike up, and took him off to jail. Now I have to go and try to bail him out with my over limit credit card or he’ll miss the final episode of “Battle Star Galactica”. Maybe I’ll just let him sit there and I’ll watch “World Wide Wrestling” instead.

Friday, April 23, 2010

In The News News
By Tim Colin
The debate over health care has been heating up all summer with millions of Americans attending town hall meetings with their congressmen. Are these people nuts? Who would spend their summer going to meetings with a bunch of politicians? Get out there and get a life. What good is good health if you are going to spend it yakking it away with some guy in a suit. Get outside and do some extreme mountain biking or extreme rock climbing. If you slip and fall 500 feet down a mountain you are not going to be worrying about whether your covered by health insurance. All you will be thinking about on your way down is “how much is this going to hurt?”

The war in Afghanistan is heating up. We can’t discuss too much about the Afghan war because no one that we know can find Afghanistan on a map. We have a map on the wall that shows all of North America with most of the major cities highlighted with a black dot. After polling everyone in our offices it seems to be a toss up as to whether Afghanistan is in Alberta or Quebec Canada. Afghanistan doesn’t sound French so it’s not in Quebec. It is spelled with a lot of “A’s” so our best guess is that Afghanistan is in or near Alberta. We should send someone up there to check on the war effort.

Business News
By Ted Collin
Stocks were moving down most of the week but ended up 96 points on Friday with the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) ending at 9441.

Lately, the banking sector has not been doing well at issuing new home mortgages. Wall Street has however, come up with a new way of making money issuing a new type of mortgage. The new mortgage is called the Reverse Organ Mortgage or ROM. The ROM works much like a reverse mortgage on a house except, it is on your vital organs like your heart, kidneys, liver, lungs, spleen etc. Specifically, the way the ROM works is that you will receive a sum of money each month for a particular organ and when you die, your organ is harvested and any balance owed to you will be paid to your heirs. The organs themselves will be delivered to commodities speculators who have been biding on the price of your organ should it be harvested on a given day. In the end, the person who bids the most for the organ will receive it for transplantation either for himself, a loved one, a valued customer or, employee.

Sports I Care About
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions won 17-6 in an exhibition game they played against the Buffalo Bills. Great job guys! I’m proud of you. As Ronald Regan once said last season should be left on the “dung hill of history”. Or did he say “I can’t read my teleprompter. I think it’s busted”. Anyway, the Lions won in the pre-season and will have a chance to start the new season with a win on September 13, when they play at New Orleans. The Lions have not selected a starting QB yet but, they might as well just go along with Mike Stafford. He did win the exhibition game.
The Detroit Tigers are on a roll leading their division by five games. If I had one of those non guy emotions I might shed a tear right now of what you would call happiness. Instead I have nothing but guy emotions like anger, greed, revenge, lust and my favorite, remorse for having been caught doing something I should not have. I really hate being caught.

I don’t care much about college sports except, I love to see the U of M punch out the lights of Ohio State in one of the most classic matches in college football. I've busted more than a couple of TVs over the years when the game didn’t come out with Michigan on top of Ohio State.

Entertainment News
By Gerrard
The movie “Gamer” should pull in a large audience. It’s pretty violent so, make sure you go with people who are not afraid of a little roughness. I have a girl in mind that might go on a date with me to see this movie. I can’t go on a Tuesday to see the movie because I have to take mom to the C.E.T.A hall so she can play euchre. I have to stay in case they need a forth player.

“Taking Woodstock”, is kind of funny but, because I live in a resort area, there are a lot of people here that entered the year 1969 and never left. Several of them live out back of this building. If I have a sandwich I don’t finish, I leave it on top of the dumpster so they can find it easily. I once drew a picture of a marijuana plant on the back of the building. Several of the old hippies spent three days trying to roll it up into a cigarette. Tim Colin, who likes to throw his weight around, yelled at me so I had to paint over my art. So much for freedom of expression.

Psychic News
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, I’m having a lot of trouble getting any spiritual vibes this week. I just heard from my twin sisters Twisty and Christy (They’re twins with each other and I’m a twin with each of them). It seems they each have new boyfriends and I don’t. I told them that after a séance I went dancing with Elvis and they didn’t believe me. They said that guys will tell you anything to get you to go out with them. I said I hope that wasn’t what happened. The guy Elvis possessed was Gerrard the weird guy that raises rats in his mother’s basement. They told me the only Elvis I ever danced with was Aunt Myrtle’s dog named Elvis and he danced with everyone. Actually, he tried to jump on every one. No one wanted to go to Aunt Myrtles because they were afraid her dog would jump them as soon as they walked through the door.

I guess the lions will do o.k. I just wonder that if I buy some new cloths and hang out in different places if, I might meet some new people. I know most guys need someone with money. The problem is that I lost almost everything during the current big financial crash. I lost my house in foreclosure. In addition, my stockbroker, Ira Rippoff, told me that if I invested $1,000 each month with him in a retirement account, that in 10 years, I would have built up a really nice nest egg. He also said I had beautiful eyes like Angelina Jolee. I invested with Ira and built up a nice nest egg but, the egg was for Mr. Rippoff. Now he’s living in a luxury hotel in the Cayman Islands and I’m stuck in a cheap trailer park. He gets room service and I can’t get garbage pick-up. All I have left is the old trailer I inherited from my Aunt Myrtle. It still smells like my aunt and her dog Elvis. He and my aunt both smelled like gin so it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. A gin and tonic sounds about good a couple of paragraphs ago. Or was that a rum and coke I had this morning?

The movies "Gamer" and "Taking Woodstock" will be big hits. I also predict that you should get out your Ben-Gay and arthritis rubs because the weather’s going to be cool.

The Michigan Outdoors Scene
By Ted Colin
There is a warning being issued by this publication to people that will be visiting the area parks and recreational facilities during this Labor Day Weekend. It seems there is a hideous lizard creature wandering through the woods, This creature started out small this spring, about a foot or so tall, and has last been reported at being nearly four feet in height. This monster started out with a penchant for pilfering bacon from a campers stores then, frying the bacon over the camper’s’ own cook stove and then, devouring said bacon as the camper and their frightened families looked on.

More recently, the lizard creature attacked a backyard luau pool party being held by area nudist retirees. The lizard creature purportedly ate the roasting pig from side to side like an ear of corn then, dashed into the forest. The nudist retirees could not follow because the woods were adorned with poison ivy. Doctors say that poison ivy poisoning is the number one cause of fatalities amongst area nudophiles.

Science And Technology
By Ted Colin
We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Northern Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however, I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these naysayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.

HUMOR NEWS NUTS EDITORIALS
THE HEALTH CARE DEBATE
No to Extraterrestrial Free Health Care
By Ted Colin
Assistant Editor
I do not believe in giving free healthcare to aliens from other planets. We Earthers can’t afford to take care of our own sick let alone taking care of all the galactic charity cases just because their own planets don’t give them universal health care. Besides, if they can afford to travel across time and space to get here they most surely can afford to pay for their own health care once they get here. If they are so hard up they could sell their spaceship or some of their technology in exchange for having one of our saw bones doctors look at them. I’m sure Microsoft would pay a pretty penny for software that ran faster than the speed of light thus answering your questions before you have them. Apple would also like to make phones that generate more energy then used while cleaning the atmosphere of carbon emissions. So just say “NO” to free health care to extraterrestrials. We need to take care of our own first.

Just Say “NO” to Extraterrestrials on Earth
By Tim Colin
Editor In Chief
Like always, my brother Tim has missed the point. Of course everyone else seems to be missing the point also. The most important debate we need to be having is how we spend all those health care dollars. We need to be spending all of our health care dollars on testing everyone on this planet to make sure they are not an alien thing from outer space. I know that I am human but, at least a couple of you out there are one of those things. We need to test everyone to find out which one of you is human and, which one of you is one of those things. In the movie “The Thing”, Kurt Russell developed a test that sure made those monsters jump up and run around. And he was trapped at the anarchic with limited resources and education. Surely we must have some bright geniuses at MIT or maybe a really good community college who, could come up with a way to ferret out those alien things from the human population of earth. From my point of view, humans are the most endangered species on this planet.

I’m Unhappy with My Health Care
By Mike Colin
Janitor/Gofer/Fall Guy
I think my health insurance stinks. I pay $300.00 per month and it has not covered any of my $27,000 in medical bills I’ve had this year. It’s pretty good insurance, I guess but, it has a $1,000,000 deductible and a 50% co/pay. I’m not sure what a co/pay is but, it sounds really bad. It’s like being a co/defendant. What’s worse is I can’t stop paying the premium. It’s set up through a checking account that automatically deducts it every month. I can’t even pay rent but, I have to pay my insurance premium. If I try to stop the payment my insurance agent calls me up and threatens to have me arrested. I told my uncle Mike (he’s my insurance agent) that I can’t afford to keep $300.00 in the bank each month and I keep having the bank fine me $25.00 every time the insurance company tries to take the money out. My uncle Mike told me I had better get used to $400.00 taken out each month since I’m considered to be more likely to be unhealthy since I complain too much. When I bought the policy from my uncle Mike he said it was a great policy since I got the coverage I deserved while he got a 40% commission for the sale and 20% commission each year if I renewed it. My dad said my Uncle Mike was like the scorpion in the scorpion and the fox tale. I said to my dad, “is that the one where the scorpion took a whiz on the fox when the fox was giving him a ride across a river. Then, they both drowned because scorpions always whiz on foxes?”

“You got it boy”, dad answered.

Friday, April 16, 2010

CENTRAL MICHIGAN FOOTBALL IS NUMBER ONE SCHOOL IN THE MAC

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well so far, after our preemptive attack upon the moon men last Friday, we have not suffered any apparent counter attack. It is unclear whether or not the moon facility that was allegedly creating an anti-matter weapon was destroyed. This is the only publication that seems to be reporting this story. All others have been repeating the government cover story that the explosions were supposed to churn up measurable amounts of water at the north pole of the moon. Of course this is rubbish. Our government has said that America will not be returning to the moon any time soon. So why would we be measuring for water when we are not going back there?

I decided to contact our scientific advisor to get his thoughts on the recent attack. Dr. Alyar is the best scientist I know and the only one that actually received government money to study ancient alien brain cells that have been fossilized into petoskey stones. The Doctor was difficult to contact since he is currently in prison for fraud and income tax evasion.

Once contacted, the doctor was quick to volunteer information for ten dollars. I offered to send him five bucks and he agreed to give me his scientific opinion regarding a possible retaliation by the moon creatures. The doctor said that “the moon creatures may not attack the earth by using conventional weapons. Instead they may use a negative mind-meld with the people of America which will cause them severe psychological problems. Americans may become paranoid schizophrenics who are so gullible that they will believe almost any crackpot idea on TV or the Internet.”

So there you have it. We have been attacked on a psychic level. That’s why we are so gullible that we believe the attack on the lunar pole was a scientific experiment instead of a preemptive strike against a superior race of beings, which are refining anti-matter to create a death star. 

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market roared to record yearly highs this week as the DJIA surpassed 10,000. It seems that the lack of a counter attack by the Giant Leap (moon creatures) served to bolster economic confidence. “This was like a celebration after defeating the Nazis in World War Two,” one investor noted.

One possible indication that not everyone is satisfied that the moon people will not anhilate us are those bidding up the price of gold this week. It is hard to understand what good gold will do you after your planet has been blown to bits by a death star.

In other business news, the health care debate goes on and on and on. Many people are literally getting sick of hearing about the debate. Don’t the people in Congress work with any kind of deadline. Maybe they just want to prolong our agony by their attempts at public debate. Based upon their skills at thinking on their feet, I think that Congressmen should submit all their answers to today’s most pressing problems in writing and in the form of a question. Then, let the judges on the game show “Jeopardy” decide if the Congressmen are right or wrong. Maybe the “Jeopardy” music during the final round would speed up some of the Congressional Membership.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 1 win and four losses. On Sunday Detroit will play at Green Bay. In Michigan you can’t buy beer until noon on Sunday so I don’t think I’ll be ready to watch the Lions play at one o’clock. I won’t say anymore. Good Luck Lions and good luck to the fans.

In Michigan college football: Michigan has a total of 4 wins and two losses, Michigan State has 3 wins and 3 losses and Little Central Michigan has 5 wins and one loss. CMU leads the MAC conference with a total of 5 wins and 1 loss. On Saturday CMU faces Western Michigan University. This is usually a really good game each year. CMU and Western are like cross town rivals in Michigan. After their win over Michigan State I will be betting on the Chips but, I’m not counting out a really tough football school like Western Michigan. Also, I’m picking Notre Damn over USC this weekend only because the Fighting Irish are in the Mid-West.

LOCAL NEWS
By Mike Colin
Well, we did not have much of a fall color season. The leaves turned brown and fell off the trees. It’s been dismal, cold and rainy up North. There were a few sightings of the Frankenmoose over the last couple of weeks. Several area towns have been celebrating Oktoberfest on the weekends. It seems at every Oktoberfest where there is a beer tent there are witnesses that say they saw the Frankenmoose. Now the Frankenmoose does love beer and bratwurst but, he is supposed to be incarcerated at area 91 which lies beneath the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. Maybe the Frankenmoose has escaped area 91 and the Men in Black? If he has he had better watch out because deer rifle season starts pretty soon.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
I’ve been busy polishing up Petoskey stones and selling them online. I don’t intend on becoming the next online millionaire but, between selling stuff online and my psychic readings, I’m finally working my way through this recession. I just need to find some cheap help to polish more stones up.
I’m predicting snow next week. I know it’s early but the spirits never lie. Well, my dead relatives lie to me all the time so I try not to dial them up. They call me. I never try to contact them. They mostly nag. My aunt Rose hates my hair. My aunt Violet keeps telling me I drink too much and my aunt Pansy told me my first husband didn’t like women. I know that. That’s why I dumped him.

So kids, don’t be so fast about wanting to talk to dead people. I know it’s real popular right now but, you don’t know who might show up. Even worse, around Halloween you don’t know what might show up.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Wow, wouldn’t it be cool to be a little kid and take off in a weather balloon built by your crazy old man. Especially one built out of tin foil and shaped like a flying saucer. That story was so cool and I felt sorry for the kid when I found out he really wasn’t in the balloon. I’d take a ride in that balloon in a minute if I ever got the chance. Of course it might take a little more helium in it to lift me off the ground.
I tried to take a helicopter ride this summer. I had the ticket and everything. I showed up bright and early that day for my trip over Grand Traverse Bay. The pilot, who also owned the helicopter, took one look at me and refunded my money. He told me I needed to charter a military transport helicopter in order to get off the ground. I think he was referring to my weight. I don’t know why I’m so big. I don’t eat nearly as much as my mom and yet we’re both about the same size.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Sherri and Carrie
Sherri: I went to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” It was not what I expected. It’s a kid’s movie. I thought it was some sort of fraternity/sorority crazy vampire flick. Boy was I wrong.

Carrie: And I bet a lot of guys will feel kind of stupid if they take their date to a kids flick. Unless of course the guy is under 12 years old.

Sherri: Most guys are mentally under 12 years old. I still like “Zombieland”. That’s a fun flick.

Carrie: “Zombieland” is about the only recent movie out there right now that is kind of a halloweenie flick.

Sherri: Yeah, only two more weeks and it’s Halloween and not much for new halloweenie flicks coming out. The Halloweener people in Hollywood must be on strike this year.

Carrie: Maybe fewer halloweenie movies will mean there will be more Halloween parties. A party is always better than a movie.

Sherri: Unless of course it’s a Star Trek movie.

Carrie: You got that right sister.

Friday, April 9, 2010

THE CLONES FROM BRAZIL

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well it seems Governor Sarah Palin has said that President Obama should have his place of birth looked into. President Obama was born in Hawaii which is of course owned by the Japanese. We traded Hawaii to the Japanese in exchange for Disneyland. But, Governor Palin admits to being from Alaska which is a part of Canada. All you have to do is look on any map and you can see Alaska is connected to Canada and not the United States. I believe we traded Alaska for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. All the people up there speak Canadian English and call themselves “Yooppers” which is the old Viking word for Canadians.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
What about that Tiger Woods? He’s married and still has all those girlfriends. I’m single and I can’t even get a girl to go to a movie with me or to buy my drinks at the bar. I guess there’s no sport in it for women to date a poor guy who is single. Of course I wouldn’t be poor if I could find a way to get Tiger Woods to call me son and let me call him daddy. The problem is that Tiger is about 30 years old and I’m 25 years old and the math just doesn’t work out. Unless, Tiger was caught in some alien space/time vortex and went back in time like that guy in the first Terminator movie. I think I’ll continue to explore this time travel scenario. I’ll do some more research by watching the SyFy channel.

Oh well, I don’t think golf is a real manly sport anyway. A really manly sport would be something like lawn jarts or smear the deer. I’ve gone to the emergency room many times after playing lawn jarts with my brothers. My brother Mike still holds the record for the most blood lost during a lawn jarts tournament.

Besides lawn jarts, smear the deer is a really manly game played by guys like me in Northern Michigan. The game is a little like regular football in that you use a football to play with. The way the game is played is that a football is thrown into the air and a guy catches it and runs like a deer while about 30 guys chase him down and slam the runners’ body into the ground. It is always best not to be running on pavement or concrete when you are caught. Usually, only the skinny geeky guys do all running while the huskier guys like me do the chasing and the body slamming. The skinny geeky guys have good jobs like accountants or engineers so they have pretty good dental insurance.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
There was positive news this week on the labor front. It seems that unemployment rate is finally going down. It seems a lot of retailers are hiring again. Down at the U Steel We Fence Pawn Shop I was told that they took on two more employees and would be open 24 hours a day until Christmas. I was also told that because of all the foreclosures people were bringing in a lot of kitchen cabinets, bathroom fixtures and, copper pipe to pawn. It seems that a lot of people take mementos from the houses they loose to the banks but, decide later that they don’t want to transport all that stuff to another state of country.

Many people have been buying up gold as a hedge against the weakening U.S. dollar. I on the other hand, have been hiding dollar off pizza coupons under my mattress. What’s great about the pizza coupons versus gold is that gold costs a lot of money to purchase and I get the pizza coupons for free. I just go across the street to the local pizza joint and pick up a couple thousand of their flyers at a time. Each flyers has like four dollar-off coupons in it s each trip to the pizza joint is worth like $8,000 in coupons. I feel like I’m raiding Fort Knox.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
I predict there will be a lot of snow before the end of the year. It will be great for people who ski and snow board. It won’t be so great for people like me who live in trailers with flat roofs. I’ll have to get out my ladder and try to keep the snow cleared off or I’ll be sleeping one night and wake up with a pile of snow on my face. In addition to my fear of a cave-in, I live in such a cheap trailer park that I don’t have a place to park my car and keep it out of the snow. I’ll have to clear a foot of snow off my vehicle every time I want to go out. Sometimes being a psychic and seeing what will happen in the future to your car and trailer when it snows is a real pain in the crystal balls. That’s right I have two of them. That way if one ball gives me a particular prediction I can check the prediction out by gazing into my other crystal ball.

TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
A former Nazis scientist guy, who is living in Brazil, has come up with a way to get rid of hunger. It seems this genetic scientist and expert on human cloning, has developed a way to get stem cells to reprogram the DNA in a human stomach so that crops can be grown. The first experiment allowed a human to grow an apple in his stomach. Another experiment had a human grow an ear of corn. It seems that the human stomach lining can be programmed to grow almost any type of fruit, vegetable or possibly even meat, fish and dairy products. Unfortunately, the experiments had to be shut down by authorities when it was found out that the scientist really only wanted to grow billions of little baby boys with funny little mustaches. The scientist claimed that he was only trying to create some boys from Brazil in order to form the next hit Latin boy band.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
How about those party crashers at the White House? Wasn’t that babe really hot? She can crash any party I have anytime as long as she leaves her husband at home to watch the kids or something.

Well the vampire movies are still doing well. I want to get the latest Star Trek movie on Blue Ray. I hope Seven of Nine is in this one. The last Star Trek show on TV should have brought back Seven of Nine instead of Data. If Seven of Nine would have been on that show it would still be on TV today. I think all guys would like to date a cyber woman. I know I would. I’ve already dated a female vampire, a Goth girl and a witch. I must be ready for a technology upgrade by now. I just hope that all the Borg ladies are equipped with Windows 7 by now. Of course with my luck my new Borg girlfriend would be programmed with Windows Vista. Of course if she had Apple technology my girlfriend could maybe double as an Iphone and an Ipod. Maybe I could hook her up to satellite or cable. That way I could bundle.

Friday, April 2, 2010

LOU DOBBS HAS BEEN DON IMUSED OFF THE AIR

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
LOU DOBBS IS IMUSED
A tragedy befell the cable news industry this week. It seems Lou Dobbs will no longer be anchoring The Lou Dobbs Show on CNN. CNN immediately tried to get Al Franken to reprise his role as news commentator/entertainer but, he has already committed to a six year contract in the Senate. In other words Senator Franken wants to perfect his comedic talents by attending clown school.

The real tragedy of the untimely demise of the Lou Dobbs organization is that now I will have to find someone else to steal material from. Whenever Lou would start complaining about aliens I would just take his material and put the word “space” in front of alien. That would better fit the venue of this organization. Now you will never again hear complaints from me about “undocumented” space “aliens”. I tried this week to use the material of Glenn Beck on Fox but, after listening to Mr. Beck I believe he is a space alien or something. He really gets into his material and his eyes get really wild like Marty Feldman’s’ eyes in “Young Frankenstein”. I just hope he doesn’t operate with an “Abbey Normal” brain.

BUSINESS NEWS
THE GOVENOR PALIN INTERVIEW
By Tim Colin
Sarah Palin is set to make big bucks with her new book “Going Rouge”. This week she kicked off her book tour in Grand Rapids Michigan where millions of supporters and reporters gathered for the event. Since I am editor of “Humor News Nuts” I decided to send myself to Grand Rapids to see if I could get an interview with the former Governor of Alaska.

The day before Sarah Palin was to appear; I drove down to Grand Rapids and checked into a hotel. The problem with Grand Rapids is that it is a Dutch community and the Dutch like to build windmills all over the place including in the middle of the freeway. I was driving along at 90 mph when suddenly I slammed into a windmill that was in the middle of the highway. Then, I woke up in my hotel room and it was light outside. The only thing I remembered from the night before is that I went to the hotel lounge and drank something called “the crooked windmill”. I remember someone at the bar telling me that after the first “crooked windmill” the room would spin around. Then, after the second drink you would not be able to stand up straight. Finally, after the third drink the night would be all over.

Well, I never made it to the Sarah Palin book signing and consequently I never got my interview with the famous candidate. However, the trip was not a total waste of time and money. I did get my Christmas shopping done and I didn’t even have to leave the hotel. I picked up a bible for my mom and some nice towels for my dad. My brother Ted is going to get some really nice little soaps while, my brother Mike needs a new toothbrush and toothpaste really bad so, I picked up a brush and a small tube of paste for him. I also picked up a small bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner in case I get a girlfriend between now and Christmas and have to get her a gift.

SPROTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 2 wins and 8 losses. The Detroit Pistons have 5 wins and 9 losses. The Detroit Red Wings have 11 wins and 6 losses. With all this dismal news it is great the Central Michigan University, a MAC school, has 9 wins and 2 losses overall which is the best of any football team in the conference. Well, in a state with nearly 20% unemployment you have to find some good news to look forward to reading in the sports pages. Other than for the comics, the sports section is the only reason to even read a newspaper.

If I didn’t have sports and comics to read I’d never bother picking the newspaper up off the bathroom floor in the morning when I eat at the local Burger King. Some guy that uses the first stall everyday always leaves his paper behind for other customers to read. Sometimes he leaves part of his sandwich or hash brown behind rolled up in the newspaper. On those days I get my breakfast for free. There are humanitarians in this world.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, that new vampire movie “New Moon” is going to be a big hit. It’s a real romantic movie and all the women I know want to see it. It seem that women now days don’t want a normal guy with a good job. Instead, they want some good looking bloodsucker. I’ve been married to bloodsuckers before and that’s one of the reasons I’m living in a red neck trailer park today instead of a nice two story in a middleclass subdivision.

My parents wanted me to marry this skinny accountant guy but oh no, I had to marry the guy with tattoos all over his big biceps. After five years of marriage and a thousand cases of PBR beer, his biceps fell down into his belly. I got tired of people asking me when my husband was expecting so, I dumped him.

THE MICHIGAN OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.

I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but; my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.

Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

NAKED LOG ROLLS IN MICHIGAN

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
It seems that the nation’s media has once again turned its attention to the Michigan Militia movement. Unfortunately, a more important civil liberties group in Michigan constantly gets the shaft when it comes to coverage by the press. I am of course referring to the Michigan Naked Log Rolling Society. Naked log roller people feel that it is their constitutional right to jump on any log they see and try to roll it while naked.

Naked log rolling has been a tradition in Michigan ever since some fort was attacked by French and Native American warriors in the wee hours of the morning back in the 1740's . The British soldiers did not have time to dress as they fled out of their fort and ran across a river full of logs. The fort was burned but, all the naked British soldiers escaped

So, if you wish to show true patriotism, the next time you see a naked person trying to roll a log just toot your horn in support as you drive by. The more exposure the log rollers get the more chance there is for a constitutional amendment allowing the rolling of logs by naked people in Michigan. As a bonus it might be good for Michigan’s economy because a lot of people from Canada will come down just to see the naked log rollers. After all, no one in Canada has ever seen anyone naked before.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market is up about 4% this year. Overall, the local economy seems to be getting better. In the part of town that I live in we have a Pizza based economy. Almost every business sells both slices of pizza to walk-in customers and take-out pizza pies to people who order online (or via the telephone if you’re over 60). It doesn’t matter if your main business is a restaurant or toe nail fungus removal; you most likely have some kid out back slopping some kind of pizza together. The barbershop on this block had a slight problem with the health department but, that has been cleared up. After all, hair removal is what a barber shop does best whether it is off someone’s head or off a pizza.

Although the pizza business appears to be booming in my corner of town, we do seem to have a real burgeoning problem with inflation. There have been some demonstrations in this area over the last several weeks. The demonstrators believe that there are just too many pizza coupons being created and that someday their children will have to make up the difference of the coupons face amount. A Harvard professor of economics has commented that if something is not done soon about the amount of coupons circulating around East Bay Traverse City then, we will see the greatest economic collapses since “Lavern and Shirley” were cancelled. Personally, I have two comments regarding the Harvard professor’s dire prediction: First, who the heck are “Lavern and Shirley”? Secondly, I don’t care what happens in the future as long as I get a good deal today by using my pizza coupons.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Put, Put Gulf season is upon us and many courses have already opened for the long weekend. The Pirate Pete course has some new twists and turns in it so bring some extra cash. It is going to take you a while to master all the nuances of this course. (Hint: Sometimes the windmill will suddenly reverse itself and go counterclockwise. This will shake up even the most seasoned champion.)

This warm weather is really driving the steel-head up the rivers and many people have been limiting out on bluegills. Those of you who still have ice shanties out on the lakes are going to have to rent some scuba gear to retrieve them. Hopefully, none of you left grandpa fishing out there in your ice shanty when the ice went out. My grandma still won’t speak to my dad although; grandpa did go down doing what he liked best: drinking beer and sleeping.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I predict that the hot spell is going to continue here in Northern Michigan right up until fall. It’s only April and most of the Easter Bunnies I’m seeing around here have mange. My friend Sarah says it is so dry that her well has dried up. I don’t really believe her. She has a shallow well and about 50 cats running around her place and at least one of them is constantly replenishing her ground water. Maybe if she kept more of them outside they’d replenish the water in the ground instead of on her love seat cushions. Her love seat was white when she bought it brand new. Now it is a really dark shade of yellow. I think that’s because she gives her cat’s coffee to drink.

It’s so hot out that my two twin sisters, Christie and Twisty, decided they would drive up here and maybe go to the beach. The problem is that Christie has one of those foreign cars that do not have brakes so you can’t slow down until you run out of gas. Of course they could not slow down enough on I-75 to make the turnoff to come here and proceeded all the way up north until they finally ran out of gas in Canada. I can’t figure out how they managed to pay the fees at the toll bridges without at least slowing down. Anyway, they can’t get back into this country because they don’t have passports. Worse yet, the Canadian government wants to deport them to Jordan because they are in Canada illegally. I guess I’ll bake them some cookies and send them a care package in Jordan. On the bright side, maybe one of my sisters will meet a rich oil man in the Middle East. Then, at least someone in my family will have some money. Maybe they’ll be able to afford a car that has brakes.
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